I have been in a relationship for just about five years. We are both in our late forties. My partner is in the national guard and also holds a civilian job. She makes slightly less than I do except when she is deployed on active duty, which happens every five or six years.

She was deployed four years ago and at the time she received her orders, we had only been together a few months and had lived separately. We discussed what to do, and while I had been clear about the fact that I did not want to live together as a permanent arrangement, I agreed to do so temporarily so that she would not have to pay rent on an apartment that would be unoccupied for thirteen months.

So she put most of her stuff in storage and moved in with me until her unit left for the Middle East. During the deployment, she gave me access to her bank account and I did a terrible thing. I spent nearly ten thousand dollars of her money. I confessed to her a few months before she returned home and she said we would work things out when she got home.

I did not have ten thousand to give her, so I worked out a deal with her that I would pay the house payment, condo fees, and utilities until she had paid off the expensive vehicle she purchased while she was deployed (it was half paid off while she was overseas, through automatic deductions from her active duty pay). I put her name on my house as security between us.

She has been home nearly three years and the vehicle should be paid off in another nine to ten months. We each pay our own cell phone bill, credit cards, and car insurance. She buys most of the groceries, and has also helped me financially when I was having problems keeping an old car on the road (I recently traded it for a nearly-new one that should cost me a lot less, both in repairs and gas mileage). In all that's probably amounted to another three to five thousand over the years.

In the last three years I have realized a few things. In her last relationship (which lasted sixteen years), she had the same kind of deal with her previous girlfriend, who was older than her, made more money, and paid all the living expenses. My partner's money in that relationship was basically "pin money," so she is not really used to having real bills and seeing her paycheck eaten up with them. During her regular military years and on tours of active duty, of course, the military pays for all her expenses like housing, food, etc., so she has been living a sort of surreal life for the last quarter-century since she enlisted.

I will be the first person to admit that I am awful with money. I have two bankruptcies in my past, and have never been able to really stick to a budget. But I have a home, a good job, and I have never in my life drawn unemployment or assistance. And I have been living independently for thirty years, since the age of 19, and can count on the fingers of one hand how often I have had to borrow money from my parents (which is more than I can say for several siblings, haha).

When she came back from the Middle East, what can I say? she was different. Even though she was not in a front line type area--her work in the military keeps her on the forward operations base where the enemy might toss a grenade at the wall now and then, but it's not under constant bombing or anything like that--I realize that serving in a war zone is still very stressful and I was ready to deal with that. What I was not ready for was the way our relationship changed.

First, she came home and I got herpes a week later as a result of oral sex. I'm not accusing her of straying (neither did I, incidentally), but her attitude since I was diagnosed basically makes me feel like a leper. She has not kissed me, other than the peck-on-the-cheek type kiss, in nearly three years. She complains about my breath, which no one has ever done before and which she did not do before she was deployed. I brush my teeth, I'm not a yuck mouth. :) She gets annoyed when I don't want sex, but when I am in the mood (which I will admit is not often because how aroused can I be by someone who finds my breath disgusting and won't really kiss me?) she never is.

She constantly criticizes my cooking. I will admit I am just a middle aged fat girl who cooks meat and potatoes, but I have never had anyone do that, and it particularly bothers me because she does not KNOW how to cook, yet she feels qualified to tell me I'm doing it wrong. She lives on protein whey powder and restaurant meals when she's single.

She is always bitching about my driving, even though she insists that I drive almost everywhere because she doesn't want to keep gassing up her own vehicle (mine is smaller and gets better fuel efficiency). This morning we went to breakfast and shopping and I realized after a few minutes that since climbing in, she had not said one word other than, "Get over! you're in the other lane too far;" "Be careful! the guy ahead of you is slowing down," and "Why do you always try to parallel park when you're no good at it?" Mind you, she herself does NOT KNOW HOW TO PARALLEL PARK. lol She freely admits this, yet she wants to tell me how I'm doing it all wrong.

She BARKS at me all the time. I have told her more than once that she may be a drill sergeant but I'm not in her damn platoon. LOL Sometimes when I get really upset I yell back at her or cry, but I know neither of those are solutions. She really doesn't see how hurtful it is, I guess. No one has ever yelled at me like that--not even my parents when I would mess up as a child. Even when my parents got mad at me they never had a tone in their voice like they HATED me. That's what she sounds like when she gets mad. She has apologized a few times, but she still comes back and does it again eventually. She has never hit me or even raised a hand, but words can hurt too.

I am obese--bordering on morbidly, although you wouldn't think it to look at me because I am tall and I carry it well. However, SHE knows it and even though she is thisclosetobeingkickedout of the military if she herself doesn't drop ten pounds, she makes excuses for why she doesn't go to the gym and while I don't jump her about them, she is never shy about telling me why *I* should log more gym time. She doesn't exactly criticize me in so many words for being fat, but she's always chiding me not to eat so much and telling me what foods I shouldn't eat, as if I don't know that after having been fat for forty fucking years.

I have pets. They were here before her and I have never made any bones about the fact that she will go before they do. She cleans the cat boxes because she says I don't do it often enough and the house smells. Nobody else has ever told me my house smelled. I let her do it, frankly, because I'm sick of being bitched at and at least if she makes cleaning them her job, she can't bitch at me about it. One less thing to be bitched at about.

At the beginning of the summer I was annoyed one too many times and told her she needed to move out. I promised to help her and said she could still eat her meals at my house if she wants to. She is supposed to close on a condo unit on the next block from me in a few weeks. The seller is a friend, so it was an opportunity for us to help the friend AND help our own situation.

My partner is very enmeshed with her mother, and in fact mom seems to be the only friend she has because no one else other than military or civilian job people ever call her and she never has friends over. My friends have become hers, some reluctantly because they have taken me aside to tell me they don't like the way she treats me. Her mother was very upset about the money thing while my partner was deployed (which I fully understand her being, and in fact I apologized to her mother the same as I did my partner for my actions). She also feels that I have taken advantage of her daughter's generosity, and maybe I have, but mentally adding up the numbers, I have paid her living expenses for three years now and that adds up to at least twenty grand and more likely more, so it's not as though I haven't recompensed her for my misdeeds.

What's my problem? I feel GUILTY! I still feel guilty for taking her money while she was gone, and now I feel guilty for standing firm about wanting her to move out. I worry that she won't be able to make it on her own. Several of my friends are urging me to just break up with her and get it over with. I'm not really sure that I love her. I *know* I don't like her a lot of the time. I feel like a permanent target for her criticism (I'm oversensitive in that regard because my late mother was also very critical of me and I still remember with a wince some of the terrible things she said to me without realizing how much they hurt). But when times are good, it almost seems worth it. Almost.

I'm sorry this post is so long. I debated whether to even put it here but I just need some input. I'm grateful for any I can get. The friends who are aware of the situation are too protective of me to be very objective, which is why I'm bringing this here. Thanks.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/24/2014 07:50PM by formerrlds.

I'd dump her. You have more than made up for your mistake and she treats you like dirt. You don't need that. Toss her ass out & move on.

This doesn't seem as complicated to an outsider as it probably does to you. From what I've read here, she treats you poorly. She has pretty bad relationship skills and only in the very best of time is it nearly worth all the bad.

She's moving out if a few weeks to a place of her own. Let her go and let the relationship drift off. Try not to feel guilty. You've done your best to pay back the money (and then some). You've been a great help to her. But she doesn't sound like a long term relationship prospect in *any* way. And to top it off, it sounds like you don't want that with her anyway.

^^^

I agree with Devoted Exmo.

I would listen to what your friends are saying. They care about you and are able to view the situation objectively. Of course your partner can make it on her own. She is has been deployed in a war zone, for Pete's sake. Give her some credit.

Financially it sounds like you are square, but discuss it with her if you decide to break up.

summer ... I don't mean to contradict you, but SHE constantly wonders aloud about how she will make it after she moves, too. She's always talking about how "pretty soon she won't have any money" and stuff like that. Frankly, since she moved into her own room a month or two after returning home, she might as well live somewhere else anyway. ;)

No time like the present for you both to figure out how to live well on your own.

What I meant is that she has the life experience and the mental toughness to get it figured out. But you also stated that she earns just slightly less than you do, and that you have your own home. If you figured out how to survive on your income, she can get it figured out as well. She'll be okay.

Why are you still with her?

Also, I read an interesting article that explained the reasons that we find fault with our partner and essentially sabotage the relationship is out of fear of being emotionally reliant on someone else. We are taught that dependency is bad and so to me this makes sense because it is scary to be dependent on someone else!

But still, I'd say she needs to go explore that by herself. She sounds like a very toxic person. But please ask yourself why you are staying with her? Being honest with yourself about your motivations will help you to avoid this crap.

I know that military duty can drastically change a person. The stress of a combat zone can be overwhelming.

However, after three years I doubt things will get better if there us no improvement by now.

If she was tough enough to survive overseas deployments, she can survive a change of relationship and living on her own, especially if her mother is in the picture. If at anytime though you feel she needs help, there are many veterans programs she can get free help from.

Veterans and their families never need to feel alone or helpless. Check with your local veterans affairs or veterans of foreign wars if you need help.

what advice would you give?

Sometimes we put up with things that we would never recommend to someone else.

*laughing* I'd ask why they hadn't killed her yet.

I do have a feeling that once she moves, she will find herself a new girlfriend. And I'm pretty okay with that. I got into this against my better judgment--I'm usually much happier single.

1. It sounds like she needs PTSD therapy.

2. I wonder if you can recreate a spreadsheet to demonstrate how much of her money you used and how you've paid it back. If it turns out, she owes you more than you owe her, just write it off, but at least you might could show that you don't owe her any money. Even if you choose not to share that with you, perhaps that will help alleviate guilt when you realize that you've made amends and no longer have anything to feel guilty about. Do the math.

3. When you get to contempt in a relationship, you're done. All successful relationships require mutual trust, mutual respect, and mutual communication. If all she is doing is criticizing your every move, then there's no mutual respect. And that criticism is probably killing whatever respect you have/had for her.

All ya'll are done. Do up the math, make things even, and say goodbye.

I must admit I feel pretty contemptuous toward her ... and she obviously has no respect for me. Pretty sad.

Her last girlfriend also tried to get her into therapy for PTSD, but she refused. I did get her to see a couples counselor for a while last year, but she only went because "you're the one with the problem" according to her.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 08/25/2014 11:45PM by formerrlds.

the criminal statutes in your state for the statute of limitations for grand larceny. If they have run and you cannot be prosecuted, cut her loose.

So the herpes monster just magically appeared?

The way my gynecologist's nurse practitioner explained it to me, there are two kinds of herpes, oral, which a lot of people get--cold sores, fever blisters, in and around the mouth--and genital. But both types can migrate--meaning you can get oral herpes on your genitals and genital herpes in your mouth--through oral sex. Most people are carrying the herpes virus, it just never gets transmitted.

My partner has cold sores pretty often, so I'm willing to accept that that's how I got it. I mean, it's a minor skin condition, I'm not going to die from it. I have a more, ah, extensive sexual history than she does ... lol ... so it's kind of ironic that she gave ME something. But the herpes isn't what bothers me. I've had maybe one outbreak since the first one. You take Valtrex for a few days and it's gone. What I don't like is the fact that since I got it, she treats me like a leper. I have to ASK her to kiss me, she gives out with this impatient sigh and then pecks me on the lips like we're just being introduced. Jeesh.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 08/26/2014 10:10AM by formerrlds.

It sounds to me that she is a bully and a control freak. She is unlikely to change and meanwhile she is eating into your self confidence and self worth more and more. I have seen this in a relationship within my own family (not my own, thankfully) and in the end the only way is out.

Try and produce an itemised account of your expenses over the last 3 years to show her that you have more than made up your debt to her.

I can't help feeling that at the end of the day you will do better without her than she will without you.

In a nutshell,


*Break Up. The relationship is dysfunctional and possibly abusive.

*Pay her back ASAP. You committed a crime.

*Get to a Dr. for Herpes Treatment. Herpes does not just show up in a week. It is dormant and then flares up. You will need to treat this the rest of your life.

RMM

Talk to a lawyer. This is a mess and you need to find some order, whether you break up or not.

You stole money from her and had a very informal agreement for paying it back. Now you are doing some mental gymnastics to justify how you've paid her back in your mind. Do you know how much she thinks you still owe? However, she gave you access to the funds, which essentially meant that she told the bank that she wanted you to have decision making power with the money. That was a bad choice on her part. Depending on what type of access you were given, from a legal perspective, you may be off the hook. Again, talk to a lawyer.

You put someone's name on your house even though you had only lived with her for a short time and even that was rushed before you were actually ready to take that step.

Bad choices compound on themselves, making it hard to make clear decisions. The fact of the matter is that she sounds abusive and you don't sound happy. But the other factors that shouldn't be part of the decision are fogging up you vision. See a lawyer and get some idea on what your real legal and financial standing is so you can make a decision with a clear vision of the cost of each choice.

Infrequent Observer Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Talk to a lawyer. This is a mess and you need to
> find some order, whether you break up or not.
>
> You stole money from her and had a very informal
> agreement for paying it back. Now you are doing
> some mental gymnastics to justify how you've paid
> her back in your mind. Do you know how much she
> thinks you still owe? However, she gave you
> access to the funds, which essentially meant that
> she told the bank that she wanted you to have
> decision making power with the money. That was a
> bad choice on her part. Depending on what type of
> access you were given, from a legal perspective,
> you may be off the hook. Again, talk to a
> lawyer.
>
> You put someone's name on your house even though
> you had only lived with her for a short time and
> even that was rushed before you were actually
> ready to take that step.
>
> Bad choices compound on themselves, making it hard
> to make clear decisions. The fact of the matter
> is that she sounds abusive and you don't sound
> happy. But the other factors that shouldn't be
> part of the decision are fogging up you vision.
> See a lawyer and get some idea on what your real
> legal and financial standing is so you can make a
> decision with a clear vision of the cost of each
> choice.

what they said ^

Very good points.

She does not say I owe her. She says I need to forgive myself for what I did, which I'm working on, but that she does not consider that I still owe her any money.

Also, "mental gymnastics?" She has paid neither a house payment, a condo maintenance fee, an electric bill, a water bill, a trash pickup bill, or a gas bill since she gave up her apartment four years ago. So no, I didn't sit down and write her out a check for ten grand (since I didn't have it), but since those costs add up to roughly $700 per month, my having paid them for the last three years without asking any contribution from her adds up to $350 per month for 36 months, let's see ... $12,600.

Since she is not asking me for money, nor threatening to file any charges, I see no reason to go to a lawyer. I really just wanted input about the practicalities of the situation. Thanks.

Don't put it past her to try to file charges or threaten too. At least you will know what she can or can't do. Secondly see one about the house being in her name too.

nt

Talk to a lawyer about her being on your house and then run in the other direction. She sounds like a sociopath. I'm sure she knew about her bank account going down, IMO she set you up to obligate you. Your whole post screams one thing guilt guilt guilt.

Before we go on about stealing which have more than paid back and the law what does access to her bank account mean? If you were on the account she can't charge you with stealing. I know this because I've been stolen from before but it was done in a way were law enforcement was powerless, like with giving someone money for an apt or having my things in storage stolen from someone who was going to help me "move" it that I trusted with the combination.

Big hugs to you. There is another forum called shrink4men it deals with female personality disorders specifically you may want to check it out.

She did say that she "expected" me to do what I did, which I find weird. *shrug*

Her name is coming off my house once she gets her own place. We already agreed on that.

There is going to suddenly be a reason crisis tragedy something that is in her opinion your fault of why she doesn't get her own place or her name doesn't get off your home or you end up signing for her loan or something to keep you either obligated or still attached to her.


The money was a way for you to feel obligated towards her, she knows what she is doing and it's calculated by her before you do it.

I'm starting to be nervous that you are peeking in the windows at my house ... lol ... because that is exactly what's happening. She was supposed to close on the new house on Friday and now she's saying she overdrew her bank account (which she NEVER does) and can't do it. However, I am calling her bluff and pushing for a committed date.

The new closing date is 9/15/2014. We will see whether it actually happens. I have been putting pressure on her and so have the sellers.

Good luck! You're going to need it ; ' )

The closing happened. We are getting along a little better, not that I don't still get snapped at. But I think it's sinking in that this is going to happen. The storage pod is being delivered this coming Friday.

I appreciate the input from people. I feel more positive about things now that I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Sounds good. :) I hope that things continue to move in a positive direction for you both.

I had no advice to offer, but still followed your story. I wish you both the best possible outcomes.

Saree