Without a doubt, leaving the church has made my life better. In all areas but one - I just am not as confident in my ability to make decisions and implement my plans. I second guess myself and am afraid to take leaps of blind faith like I used to me. I used to do all kinds of things that make my kids say "Wow, Mom, I didn't know you did that." But now it seems like I'm unsure about the smallest things.

Maybe it's because I found out I was SO wrong about something SO big when I realized I was wrong about Mormonism. Or maybe because I realized how easy it is for others to deceive you. It's possible that it's a marriage thing too. I really prayed about who to marry, then spent an awful lot of years getting dumped on because DH had undiagnosed ADD. Once that was taken care of, our marriage got better and better but thinking I was going to get that Prince Charming fantasy promised me in Young Women's and instead finding myself stranded on a whole other, scary planet was a real blow. I know other people go through it when they marry, Mormon or not, but the high hopes the church instilled in me with the concept of temple marriage were definitely crushed. Maybe everything contributed but I've read people who get out of cults and cultish mind-control situations do have trouble making even simple decisions. Which is weird because if you are one of the few smart enough to think your way out of Mormonism, you should be amazingly confident in your ability to do hard things. Confident that you can stand up for yourself and what is right, no matter what people around you think.

Does anyone have any tips for those of us who currently feel happiest and safest curled up in our comfort zone, to regain (or gain) that confidence in your ability to get done what you need to?

I'll never forget one night in a New York café with a friend. I looked out of the window and saw all different kinds of people walking by. I said, "I just want to run out there and start interviewing people!" That's a big realization for me. I used to be afraid of coffee makers. Yes, coffee makers! Everything non-Mormon was a difficult thing for me, and I grew up in the East, not the Mormon Corridor. I learned to start trusting humanity more.

However, one thing you said stuck out in my mind:

> Or maybe because I realized how easy it is for others to deceive you.

That has happened, too. Deceitful people come in all sizes, shapes, colors, ethnicities, economic situations, and both sexes. It can be traumatizing, as it was for me.

But one thing you should always remember is that people who smoke, drink, party, mess around, swear, and who believe all kinds of whacko things are, most of them, just people. Just like you. Whenever you fear making a mistake, just remind yourself that you are bound to make mistakes, because you're human. Most of them are solvable given time. It's your own mind that you have to learn to trust, first and foremost. Don't beat yourself up. Your free will has to learn, and learning involves some big mistakes.

I truly believe that with the basics, I can trust most of the people with whom I come into regular contact. Let 'em see your screw-ups.

I read a great book that talks about the difference between Bill Clinton and Martha Stewart. People were far more sympathetic to the former and far less sympathetic to the latter. The former displayed and admitted (after a great deal of legal haggling) to sexual dalliances. The latter played (and continues to play) Little Ms. Perfect in everything she does.

Increase in confidence.

increase in confidence.

Increased confidence in decision making because I feel better about myself for seeing the fraud. However, I think I had an inflated sense of safety from disaster. I thought TSCC had my back and they never did. Now I think I feel a bit more vulnerable to crisis. I'm also a bit fearful of aging because I see myself as less powerful than in my younger years. But I also think that is pretty normal.

Increase in confidence but due to finding this site not just leaving the church.
This site helped me stand up for myself and really define my beliefs better.
Basically, you can't talk sheeeet around here without being ready to back up your talk

:)
Santa rocks!!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/08/2013 12:05PM by mindlight.

I'm not completely out yet, but my mindset has definitely changed since coming to the realization that the church is a whole bunch of hogwash.

Overall results? Mixed. I think the loss of certainty of my place in the world (plan o' salvation, being on God's winning team) has made me perhaps less sure about decisions I make--i.e., I'm less confident about what I decide, but it involves more thinking instead of general reliance on warm fuzzies and Mormon bravado.

Outlook? I think knowing that I DON'T know everything has changed my perspective on a lot of things. Why do I treat people kindly? Not because Jesus will reward me or because it's what I've been commanded to do, but probably more because life is shitty enough without people being shitty to you.

I think I am perhaps more patient--and it's a reasoned patience--than I was as a Mormon.

I think I am more open to the possibilities of THIS life, as opposed to thinking that this life is a time to prepare to meet God. I want to experience things NOW because I ain't getting any younger, and there's no beautiful mansion-y afterlife waiting for me where I'll be rewarded forever and have googolplex polygamous spiritual wives making spirit babies for me for an eternity (not that I ever really thought that theory held much water earlier, but you get the idea).

I've always liked "Invictus"--"I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul"--and I feel it much more strongly post-mo mindset.

Interestingly, there were so many opportunities in "callings" in the LDS Church that as a young married woman, I found that the more I did, the more my confidence and self respect grew. I was very tenuous at first, but that changed after several decades of service.

I came into Mormonism with some experience performing as a musician for over a decade and from speech contests from high school a few years before. So, I was somewhat comfortable teaching or performing.

I am a natural extrovert, so being involved in the performing arts became easier and easier. I conducted music for congregational singing and other groups for probably three decades, wrote and produced Road Shows with the committees, wrote three pieces of music, all in the LDS Church along with many other callings.

Interestingly, the more experience I gained in my callings in the LDS Church, the more my confidence grew.
The problem was that I was hampered and held to a nebulous and sometimes restrictive bunch of unwritten rules and fussy leadership that made it impossible to really excel. This was a direct conflict with "magnify your calling." I was always at a disadvantage as I could never learn to think like a "born in the bed" Mormon! :-)

What I learned outside the LDS Church suddenly didn't apply to what the leadership wanted. If I had a job in the "real world" doing the same thing, it would have been much different. (It would have been a paid job, also.) The level of professionalism just doesn't exist in the LDS Church, or not what I had hoped. There are exceptions, of course.
There were always too many spoons in the pot. I would be given a calling without the authority to carry it out the way I understood it.

That confidence, and self respect was always kept cooking on high when I left the LDS Church. I got busy taking adult college classes and shortly after, started a Red Hat Society chapter in my area that had, at one time, over 225 women on the roster. I met a lot of wonderful women (50 to 90) during that time, some are my good friends! Our only goal was to socialize, have lunch and have FUN FUN FUN!!

I was able to use so many of the skills I had learned in the LDS Church plus my jobs both for the church and outside the church.
Sewing/alterations/designing,decorating hats/photography/bookkeeping, and on and on. I was at ease with this fun new group using my theater experience to create the character of a Red Hat Mum, Queen of Yard Sales. It was just a social group. (No projects~!)

The adult education college courses (over four years) and, next the Red Hat Society fulfilled so many of my desires, needs and abilities that I didn't miss the LDS Church and my over-involvement.

The fact that I was a convert with two decades of life before I joined the LDS Church worked for me and against me!

And, yes, my sense of self, self confidence, raising a family in the LDS Church,plus my service, especially in music, plus a husband that went to school, then traveled a lot early on, gave me all the opportunities I needed to become a strong, independent woman.

I count all of my experiences as valuable -- do not indulge in regrets, or guilt (except for a short time to recognize I need to change something). My life as a Mormon was an important part of my life that I am very grateful for, including: The Good The Bad, The Ugly,(and some of it was really ugly!!), but it was like the rest of my life. No experience was a waste. Everything contributed to make me who I am today, over seven decades of life teaching me something new ... constantly.

My philosophy-world view has evolved. It is part of how I am able to keep an upbeat, positive, attitude of gratitude as I embark on a new life as a recent widow.



Edited 4 time(s). Last edit at 03/08/2013 12:47PM by SusieQ#1.

At first less sure because all I had to go on was what mormons say happens to apostates and I didn't know anyone who had left.
But after finding RfM my confidence has increased because I have read all the concrete reasons I am right, not just because, "I couldn't stand it there!"

I actually seem to be pretty much the opposite.

As a TBM I never took risks. I wasn't too depressed (mostly), but I wasn't too happy either. I was just living a life of no emotion. I hardly ever sinned (it was easy because my life literally consisted of work + church, there's not many opportunities to sin at either). I was just going one day to the next, and I was very quiet and "safe". I never did anything that might put me in a difficult situation.

But now, I have a lot of emotion in my life (nearly always positive emotions too, and the occasional negative one I'm grateful for). I take a lot of risks. I've done a lot of quite danagerous things, and things I would've never done in the past. Sometimes they backfire, but I'm always pleased that I've done them. Life is so amazing. It pains me sometimes that I missed out on so much, but on the other hand, I'm over the moon that I am experiencing how good life is now. I'm so pleased that I made these decisions in my life to get here, so I feel more confident than I've ever been.

I think my confidence has changed.

Before, I was confident in my ability to be a Molly. Look! I'm pregnant again and see all my other perfect children? Listen! I'm teaching homemaking about canning/sewing/using food storage. Taste! Isn't my homemade dinner delicious? Smell! I'm mormon and my sh!t doesn't stink!

Like you mentioned, I had the sick feeling in my stomach from how I was so duped and so stupid. Confidence did falter for a bit. Once I got over the self-flagellation, self doubt, confusion and general pissed-off feeling I asked my self "What do you want?" and didn't have an answer. Everything that popped in my head was church crap. I spent a lot of time pondering and defining what I want - not what everyone else wants of me or what I think I'm supposed to be.

Now, I'm more confident in ME and not my ROLE. In my relationships I have been able to throw the doormat aside and define boundaries. If I want to do something, I go and do it -- even if I have to learn something new and it challenges my comfort zone. I am no longer a daughter of God and he loves me... I am woman, hear me roar! I have good times and bad times and they are just that. Not some punishment or satan trying to lure me into something. I am real with my kids, I'm real with my friends and I am me. I love me. I'm done wasting my time wondering if I am good enough and trying to get god to love me. I don't feel as strong a need to prove to others that I am good enough. I am me and I am enough.

...that I was perfectly able to take care of myself, to make a life and stay out of trouble without the church and everyone in it telling me what to do and how to live. I didn't need to keep meeting in multiple meetings a week for peer reinforcement. I didn't need to be spied upon. I didn't need fear of an invisible man's retribution. And, so, I became confident. "Look at me, I can handle this stuff. I'm competent. I can make good decisions all on my own. I'm a valued member of society. This is much better."

My confidence was affected immediately. The moment I left Mormonism, my self-esteem began to heal. I felt that I'd taken back my own power, which helped my confidence to increase.

+1 me too.

At first it absolutely crushed it. I didn't know which way was up and had a hard time just getting through the day afraid I would do something wrong, say the wrong thing, get into a confrontation with someone about the sctt.

Time and knowledge have made all the difference but I started getting even more confident and sure of myself when I came to RfM and hearing everyones experiences and how they coped with their challenges.

I seriously feel less angry and more confident in myself and my choices every day. Mostly due to this web sight!!!

Mormonism was about perfection, and even though I was a very good Mormon, I always had some imperfection to stress about.

Mormonism was also about very clearly defined roles for women which didn't fit my personality.

Now I have the freedom to be myself and the confidence of knowing that I won't be punished for it.

CA girl Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Does anyone have any tips for those of us who
> currently feel happiest and safest curled up in
> our comfort zone, to regain (or gain) that
> confidence in your ability to get done what you
> need to?

You are able to doubt and second-guess yourself now. That's a major plus! It should make risk-taking (so to speak) more exciting and worth doing, I think. Everyone makes mistake, but those that are able to re-examine their own convictions and actions are ones least likely to repeat stupid mistakes. Those that operate by dumb unearned 'confidence', on the other hand, are a lot more likely to keep repeating stupid mistakes, usually without even realizing it.

So... go for things. Even if you do make mistake, at least you are more likely to learn from mistakes than when you were a falsely 'confident' Mormon. Mistakes that one can learn from aren't all that bad. ;o)

I'm more confident than ever. It's liberating to know I am the decider about myself, not a culty patriarchal sect.

It's made me feel like Wonder Woman!

I felt more confident than ever, and now am not self-conscious if I want to swear or drink a beer or something. I love to engage Mormons about the church. I love it when someone questions why I left. It's great. I've never felt so empowered.

I'd say mormonism was suppressing my confidence, so leaving mormonism didn't really increase it, but rather free it. I had no problem adapting to post-mormon life.