I stopped attending in January. My husband and I have been married 35 tumultuous years. He has been attending Church but now wants to know why I would have any objection to him doing what ever he wants with whoever he wants for 6 months, due to the fact that he has been repressed due to the Church (and me) for all these years.

That would likely ruin what's left of the relationship. Say you think it's better to get counseling and try to fulfill needs within the marriage.

Oh "shore" he wants to play around with the excuse that he's been "repressed"... good line, if you buy it.:-)

I guess it depends on what you want out of your relationship.
Do you care? If you don't care, be smart and be sure to protect yourself. Who knows what he is going to come home with these days.
Or better yet, live in separate places. Divide up the house, or he can get an apt for his play time.

He wants to be single while being married, so you'll need to figure out exactly what you want. If this is his decision and he is dead set on it, is it possible to get through an amicable divorce?

Unless you really, really want an open marriage, I would tell him no. He doesn't get to be married and play around. Also tell him that just because you left the church doesn't mean that anything goes. You might also consider asking him if he is looking for a divorce.

So sorry to hear that he thinks this is any sort of a solution for anything. Six months? What's magical about six months? And if he can't make his fantasies come true, do you have to fill in when nothing better is available? What about the risk of disease? The only reason I'd ever agree is so I could have time to get finances in order for a divorce. Good luck.

6 months is enough time to play around without it sounding like forever. 5 months from now he will probably ask for more time or leave her.

To be fair, you didn't exactly take vows with each other to be faithful, because temple marriages don't have vows between husband and wife.

If it was a nonmormon marriage, I'd say, "Whoa, now, hold on a minute. If it's time to renegotiate the terms of the relationship, that's fine, but I made a commitment to these terms. You're either committed to your marriage or you're not. Sudden lack of religious belief and lifelong repression doesn't negate the fact that you took vows to love and support and be faithful to one another..." Except, whoops! You didn't.

For me, personally, I'd rather either start an open relationship from scratch or break up from a monogamous relationship if the other party wanted to change. For me, changing the rules in the middle of the game is a dealbreaker; it suggests to me lack of commitment, and possibly also trust, respect, and/or communication. Why is there an unmet need all of a sudden if we've been partners and open and honest and supportive with one another all along?

Ask him if the same rule holds for you. If he is ok with that, then there probably isn't much of a relationship to hold on to.

Divorce may be the next step -- but counseling sounds reasonable.

Protect yourself in all ways, i.e., STDs, financial, and emotionally. Document everything, you are going to need facts when things hit the fan.


There is a good chance he has already made up his mind and is already doing what he wants.

His conscience is only asking for permission to valid that it's okay.

It's time for you to get your ducks in order and be planning for a major life change.

Call me old fashioned, but an open relationship means your relationship is over. He wants to sleep around and he is asking permission from you. Even if you agree, you will be concerned that he is going to find someone else and leave you, and the chances are very good that he will.

Polyamory means a lack of commitment. If you want to sleep around then don't have a wife or husband. It's far too easy when you are poly to walk when things get tough, since you already have another bed to rest your head in.

I would tell him no and then ask for marriage counselor. If you want to do it, then you probably want out of the relationship as well. Marriage counseling is your only option at this point to see if this is a viable marriage or not.

axeldc Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------

> Polyamory means a lack of commitment. If you want
> to sleep around then don't have a wife or husband.
> It's far too easy when you are poly to walk when
> things get tough, since you already have another
> bed to rest your head in.

Open marriage ≠ Polyamory

Polyamory does not mean a lack of commitment. You can be in a polyamorous relationship and still be committed to all involved parties.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/26/2014 11:45AM by swiper.

Indeed, he wants to "play", but how does he feel about you playing? I hate to say it, but he probably has someone in his sights already if he's talking about open marriage...

How many years has your husband been addicted to pornography without you knowing it?

Maybe it is just the way your post reads, but it doesn't sound like a real issue. This sounds suspiciously like a TBM using this as an argument to get you to go to church. He doesn't seem to be saying, "I want to xxxx that woman". He seems to be saying, "Since you don't go to church, you must not have any morals, so why would you care if I did xxxx?" And the 6 month thing just supports this as a made-up issue.

I think he's bluffing. I'd just say that you have your own moral values that preclude this type of behavior. Your moral values are your own, not just a carbon copy of the morals of fifteen ninety year old men in SLC. Just because you don't go to church doesn't mean that you've given up all moral behavior.

He is hedging his bets. I agree with the assessment that he already has someone in mind.

If the trial run works out, he will want a divorce, if not he will either decided to stay or he will want another 6 months, to try out another relationship.

I say divorce his narcissistic ass. He sure as hell is not thinking of what is best for you and the marriage.

That makes me sick to my stomach. If he pressures you into actively participating in spouse swapping, and group sex just say, "hell no and good riddance." 

Swinging for the sake of your husband will not save your marriage.

In my marriage, if such a thing were even suggested it would be a deal breaker and lead to immediate divorce.

HH =)

Wow, interesting way to turn over the table

If my husband signed over all of our assets to me, I would tell him he could go have his open marriage. I wouldn't be there when he got back though. His car, retirement assets, and the roof over his head wouldn't be there for him either.

Even if you discount the moral implications, in this world with AIDS, HPV, etc, it would be called playing Russian roulette with your life.

It's one thing if he wants to be reckless with his own life, but I'm sorry, NO, he does not get to play it with yours.

You should both read The Ethical Slut before you make any decisions about having an open marriage.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Ethical-Slut-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379

but you could also ask him if it is okay for you to go out and sow your wild oats, too.

Like another one said also, though, it sounds like he already has someone in mind.

The most important thing you can do is NOT give him his way. Demand dignity and respect. If you give in, it is just one more nail in the coffin.

I'd make a dramatic statement. Like in waiting to exhale. Go to 2:00. It looks like a fine way to find closure.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L1IuT7WqtS4

Think twice before ever doing anything drastic like in "Waiting to Exhale" That could end up with time in prison of a big debt from a court order. Not good advice.

Sorry about the condition of your relationship after putting in all these years in a marriage. Counseling may help but do you want to be with someone with that value? You may be sick or physically limited in life in old age...is this the type of guy that would help you?

It may be time to make a change for yourself and get away from this type of thinking.

You didn't say what you want? What do you want to do ?

Tell him to stop being stupid and get a marriage counselling!!!

Men will make all kinds of excuses just to fulfill there sexual
fantasy's!!!

I am not liking this statement at all--

"due to the fact that he has been repressed due to the Church (and me) for all these years."

YOU were responsible for his repression because......you kept your marriage vows and expected him to keep his?

No, not liking that statement at all. Sounds like the justification of a spoiled brat.

And since he's still TBM, be sure to tell the bishop. The church is likely to view this as potential adultery on his part.

TBM wanting an open marriage = Not a true TBM, but possibly a hypocrite.

You are all so smart! He has NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and he used to have a porn problem until I put a filter on the computer a few years ago. I told him he was free to live somewhere else. I did not like how entitled he acted after he watched porn. So by doing that I repressed him. I was attending Church at the time.

byebye Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> You are all so smart! He has NPD (Narcissistic
> Personality Disorder) and he used to have a porn
> problem until I put a filter on the computer a few
> years ago. I told him he was free to live
> somewhere else. I did not like how entitled he
> acted after he watched porn. So by doing that I
> repressed him. I was attending Church at the time.


If you have endured NPD for 35 years, you must be exhausted and numb. Divorce his butt and live life for you and you alone. I doubt you had that chance in your marriage. Change is frightening but it will bring you a life that is what you make it. And you could make pretty damn good.

If he was/is a porn addict...

That seems like he have the symptoms!

You have a funky definition of TBM if you think your husband still is one after suggesting an open marriage.

TBM with a strong testimony is how he would define himself. It is only because I have spoiled his chances for everything that he considers such a lifestyle change.

When I told him that two people can decide how they want to treat each other sexually, he came back with the idea of sex clubs, open marriage etc.

Because I have been married to him for so long and we brought up our kids the Church, I live "church standards minus the Church."

I see. That would be a tough situation to be in.

I wish you well; hopefully things turn out the best for both of you.

Having read through this, I have to wonder: Does the OP's DH think he's just going to what, troll for chicks near the cantaloupe in the produce section at the grocery store? Where does he think all these open marriages come from? Is he going to go pick up people in the bars?

This sounds to me like a hypothetical to make a point to you -- something about morality being tied to some organization that tells you what your morals are. But if all y'all have been married a long time -- long enough to have spent a couple decades together, I can assure you, your husband has NO EARTHLY IDEA what the dating/pickup world is like nowadays. It's a whole different ballgame; one that he is ill-equipped to handle.

Unless he's been playing on the side for years. I don't know -- I have no evidence from this thread to suggest that's the case. I think he's just trying to make a point. But I think it's a stupid point because it's not as simple or easy as he's trying to make it sound.

He is not looking for a new relationship for sure. He is looking for sexual excitement and experience and he wants me to say OK --since he wants it, he can have it. Didn't Joseph Smith do that?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/26/2014 04:38PM by byebye.

He's a narcissist. He blames you for repressing him and spoiling "everything." He has a huge case of entitlement.

You've put up with all this (and porn) for 35 years, only for him to decide that since you're not a TBM anymore, it's time for sex clubs, swinging, and him screwing multiple other women with your blessing.

Nun-unh. Just NO.

This guy is NOT a TBM, no matter how he self-identifies. His "testimony" seems lodged in his pants, and he certainly isn't thinking about how this would affect your "eternal family" or the kids (for whom he's supposedly providing a good example and moral leadership).

1). Document everything. Record him with a phone app if you can. Then, go to the bish and SP and bust his horny butt. If he is claiming to be LDS, then you have every right to visit with his spiritual leaders about his desires and plans for extra-marital sex.

2) Get some counseling for yourself (from a non-LDS counselor who has experience dealing with narcissists and their loved ones -- NOT a traditional "marriage counselor" whose objective is to keep the marriage intact). You've been in an unhealthy, toxic relationship so long that you may not have a reasonable, objective yardstick for evaluating this marriage and your continued presence in it.

3) If you are intimate with him again, use condoms. Properly. Every time. Insist he get tested for STDs immediately and show you the results.

4) You deserve better than this man, no matter how long you've stuck with him or how many kids you have together. You'd be better off alone than with someone whose main interest is not you, but where and how soon he can find cheap sexual thrills with other women.

5) If he's being a passive-aggressive @$$hat and trying to manipulate you back into TSCC by raising the spectre of open marriage, etc., remind him that your standards don't include the kind of sexual hijinks he's proposing. If he's a "TBM," he should be ashamed of himself.