I am an ex-member currently trying to redefine my relationship with my father and, as if it wasn’t already complicated enough when I was a TBM, it’s even harder now. My parents are both hard-core TBMs and if my relationship with my father disintegrates now, they’ll blame it on my choice to leave the church.
Here’s the issue. I was sexually abused by my father many times between ages seven and ten (for reference I am currently 28). He also sexually abused my mom’s youngest sister (who is only three years older than me) and made sexual passes at one of my mother’s other sisters. When I was ten, my dad loaded up a suitcase one day and left home. I remember my mom being really angry, but it was the “in shock” kind of angry. Apparently, he met right then with the Bishop and Stake President and shortly thereafter turned himself into the authorities. I didn’t learn until a couple of years ago that my aunt that he abused had been seeking help from her school and word was getting out. My dad heard the allegations from his in-laws and that’s when he turned himself in. So I had believed until I was finally told that that he had turned himself in of his own accord purely out a desire to do what was right.
He was sentenced to eight years of prison without parole. I was really just too young to get what was going on. I didn’t understand what sex was and why it was wrong. My mom was too freaked out by the subject to explain it to me and Social Services and therapists weren’t much help on this either. I didn’t understand “how” it was wrong until after I had hit puberty and then it started making sense. So for the first few years that he was gone, I just missed my “daddy”. I really didn’t get it. I just wanted him to come home. This idea “I want him to come home” burned into my brain so that even after I began to understand, it was difficult to reconcile my feelings about what happened. After my mom learned, while he was at house arrest at his parents’ house, that he had stopped eating and spent hours on the floor writhing in physical agony as well as emotional over what he had done that she decided that she wouldn’t divorce him so long as he repented and changed. From that point on, my mom was always very clear with all of us kids that she was going to stay married to him, that we were still a family, and he was going to repent. She was clear that she wouldn’t allow him to come home unless that not only did she have to believe he had changed, but I did as well and even then only if I said it was OK. Not to mention that her wonderful fortune-telling Patriarchal Blessing of hers told her to stand by her husband in all that he does in righteousness (or something to that effect). She interpreted this as meaning that if he chose the righteous path of changing, she needed to stand by hin.
Nevertheless, I grew up in a terrifyingly anxious home. (My mom always went on about how Social Services was going to take us away because she was standing by my father and wouldn’t divorce him). So not only did she use TSCC as a method to justify staying with him but also emphasized it strongly with us, that God would protect us from the government. Thanks to that I have been horrified by police officers and have real issues with strangers.
So I used TSCC to manipulate me into believing that my father definitely changed and I believed it blindly. His therapists were all Mormon as well as my personal therapist and our family therapist. In fact, the first Mormon therapist I had, though she did believe it was possible for him to change, she wasn’t blinded completely by that possibility. I wonder if one day she must have made it clear to my mom that going on about how “daddy’s coming home” and that wasn’t good for my wellbeing. I wonder that because unexpectedly one day we stopped seeing her and we were in the market for another Mormon therapist. My mom’s excuse was “She doesn’t believe in the Plan of Redemption”.
To get to the point, my father was released a few months after I turned 18. I had been working with my TBM therapist in helping me to reconcile my emotional issues regarding this whole debacle and we scheduled for us to have our first meeting with my father accompanied by the therapists, my paternal grandparents, the Bishop, and my mom. The fact that he couldn’t bear to look at me without a complete breakdown merely renewed my affirmation that “he had changed”. Throughout my adult life I have had questions about the truth of TSCC but I was always kept at bay by remembering that I believed that the “inspired” men of the church wouldn’t have rebaptized my father or reinstating his temple ordinances unless he HAD changed. So if the TSCC isn’t true, then how do I know that he has changed? Have I put my sisters and my newborn niece and any daughters I may have in the future in danger?
How do I reconcile this? I believe firmly that the church is not true. So all my reasons for believing he had changed aren’t valid. All I have left is the last ten years where he’s always been what I would consider a normal dad. But I’ve noticed that his and my mom’s relationship isn’t as solid as it used to be. (I’ve moved to a different state so I don’t see them very often) Nevertheless, my siblings who do live in their state have noted some odd behavior from a TBM, such as yelling the F-word at them during arguments.
Have I been duped by so-called plan of redemption? Have I been manipulated into creating this fluffy happy bunny universe of “it never happened”? My mom says that this “new” dad is like being married to a whole new person, that he’s “nothing” like the man he was before. I don’t know that. I was ten when he left and my memories from before that are sketchy at best. What I do remember that isn’t abuse related is mostly just what I would consider as “normal father behavior”. The aunt he abused left the church many years ago and still hasn’t forgiven him (so far as I know). And it was only more recently that my mother’s parents have started to soften up to him. So the way that I see it is that it seems I forgave him too quickly. That I was so eager to trust my mom in every word that came out of her mouth, that if she said TSCC was true and my dad was a changed man, then so be it. She always went on about how non-Mormon children who were abused have it so much harder because they don’t have the gospel to save them. That these kids are being taught to “hate” their fathers and be victims for the rest of their lives.
My sister just had her baby (my new niece) and she asked me if I had ever considered letting our father watch my son (alone). She’s still in school and needs a babysitter every so often and since my mom tends to be so busy doing temple work and being a temple worker, that our father is sometimes the only alternative. Because my kid is a boy, I told her that despite having multiple opportunities to abuse boys before going to jail, my father never showed any interest in boys. But when that was more prevalent my husband and I were TBMs and believed he had changed. But what do I say to her now about my niece? My mom is already not talking to me right now because of us leaving the church. My father says he will always be on speaking terms with me because I was the one who forgave him. Maybe that’s the rift in his and my mom’s marriage? But if my assumption is right, then their marriage is more unstable now than it was when my father was going to prison. ???
I do believe in being forgiving but at the same time I understand that there is no “magic revelation” proving that he’s done anything other fool everyone who’s willing to be fooled. I should also be clear that I have anxiety and panic disorder, something which wasn’t diagnosed until a few months ago but should have been dealt with years and years ago. When I first started having nighttime panic attacks, they resulted in me having a creepy feeling that something was in my room smothering me and choking me. Unable to breathe or cry out, I was terrified. These were horrible experiences that would never wish on anyone. When I told my mom about them she explained to me that I was being attacked by evil spirits. She even scheduled our Bishop to come over and exorcise the demons away. By the way, this did NOT work. I have had many, many episodes at night (as well as daytime episodes) over the years the most recent one being last night. But because I always had associated these horrid feelings as the presence of the devil and his minions, over time I began to dream about them specifically and associated these nightmares directly with them. Now that I know that they’re just panic attacks and I’m on medication to help control them, these episodes are far less frequent and less intense, thankfully. Last night I had my first episode in months but instead of a demon it was my father sexually assaulting me. This has led me to wonder if these episodes aren’t unconscious concerns about by father or suppressed memories. And I had allowed what my mom/the church to convince me to mask/hide what the anxiety was all about.
I feel very betrayed right now. Betrayed and angry. What are your thoughts, suggestions, recommendations, etc.? How should I approach my relationship with my father? Should I get therapy? I have to a very large extent reestablished relationship with my father that had been based on Mormon beliefs. How much work should I put into keeping that relationship?

I'm sorry for what happened, but glad you are able to divorce from the abuse.

From what I've read, it is quite normal to have nightmares that as an adult, you are able to look at and see they are memories.
Your adult self, by letting these horrible memories through is probably ready to rewrite your inner self.

With help, you will be able to "parent" the frightend child who suffered so much.

By writing this, I hope others here with real survival skills gained from healing from the same kind of abuse will post for you. I grew up with a tyrant but not this kind of abuse, but I do know it can take a while to heal.

First step to better health is to know what happened, know that you did nothing wrong and you don't have to have it hurting your future and present life.

Hugs to you, I'm glad you're here among the survivers of simular abuse who will most likely post after me.


Keep reading here. There are a lot of people who explain how they extracted themsleves from the mindf**k of the TSCC (the so-called church). When you see how your mind was twisted into a pretzel you will also see how to walk away from the programing and replace it with healthier thought patterns. Be good to yourself.

Contact www.RAINN.org.

Get some more therapy.

Do not contact either of your parents for a while. Let them know you are processing and healing and will be out of pocket for a bit.

I wouldn't re-establish any relationship with anyone right now until you get your own head screwed back on, nice and straight.

Do not, under any circumstances, allow any family member to care for your children. I am actually more concerned about your mom than your dad at the moment. For one thing, I don't think child molesters can really be rehabilitated. But your mom telling you that your nightmares were just an attack by Satan tells me that she cannot recognize PTSD when she sees it and does not really have your best interests at heart.

Definitely continue to seek professional help until you feel you've found the right therapist for you. I don't recommend LDS Social Services or LDS therapists because they simply can't look at your situation objectively. I could be wrong, but I think you need a professional that has no stings attached to the church in any shape or form.

At this point, be safe in choosing who to care for your children when you need to be away. You are too emotionally vulnerable to NOT to be careful. If anything happens to your children, you'll not be able to deal with it.

Sending good thoughts to you and wishing you safety, peace, and wellness.

Your father molested you for three years and you are wondering why you are having panic attacks as an adult?

Stay away from your parents, period !!

It's not a matter of "forgiveness", your mother is deluded and your father is a criminal who is still manipulating your emotions.
These people are dangerous.

NO one should ever let your father near their kids!
It is a serious mistake to think that abusive parents will turn into wonderful grandparents.

You grew up in an extremely destructive environment, therefore your views of what is proper behavior have to be confused. That's how it usually works for victims of abuse.

Stay in counselling, and for god's sake tell your siblings NOT to bring their kids around your parents.EVER.

Tell your sister NOT to allow your father to babysit her daughter.

I agree with the others--these people are dangerous.

Sexual abusers rarely get "better." I would stay away from both of your parents as if they were poison. Your father shouldn't be anywhere near children whatsoever no matter how much counseling he's had.

I hope you seek and get effective counseling.

You are probably suffering from PTSD.

You seem to have a lot of things that need to be sorted out.

Err on the side of caution with your kids. I can't see that there would be any error in keeping them away from your parents but I know how it feels to not know that for sure but one day you will know.
I said my final goodbye to my parents two decades ago and as time has passed I've found greater clarity and have been tremendously grateful I took that leap in order to protect my kids. It's too easy for confusion to set in, I've seen that happen with other siblings - create distance and hold your boundaries, even when in doubt. Doubts pass eventually.
If one day 25 yrs from now you decide your parents would have been a safe bet, believe me that is a lighter burden to bear than the other alternative. Remember, they put you in this situation, they created this awful dilemma for you. Do not be too hard on yourself, let them carry that and go with what you know, which is they have victimized and would you want any child of yours around that, in any way?
Reading your words helped me to realize something about myself. I hadn't put together why I was trained up not to trust the police. Thank you for being will to share - you really don't ever know who you help, or how you might help.

I'm so very sorry to hear about your experiences. I understand how difficult it can be to have something like that happen. You should definitely think very carefully about how your parents' behaviors have made you feel in the past and how they make you feel now and use that to determine how you want to proceed. You definitely shouldn't allow your son to spend time with them if you aren't right there with him, and do absolutely everything you can to protect your niece. Make sure your sister is aware of the danger that she puts her daughter in if she has your dad watch her daughter. It's unfortunate that you've been put in a situation where you just can't just get over it and move on without alienating other people, but since you have been, you have to be concerned with yourself and your son first, then other family members.

I agree---don't let your father alone with chidren.

My granfather was a pedophile. My mother allowed her youngest brother to have access to me and my brother and sister. My uncle sexually abused us as infants up until we could talk, then he went for the next youngest. It took us a long time to figure it out (from our mid 20's to early 30's). We never told my mother it would have killed her. My brother was suicidal and addicted to cocaine and alcohol and was in therapy. He told my mother that he thought he was sexually abused as a child and her first words where to blame her father. Who was not the abuser.

She trusted her brother. She should not have. When trust is given to a pedophile it is the children who suffer.

My FIL has abused kids and I will not allow my children anywhere near him. My wifes family all hate me for this as they have all "forgiven" him and let their kids spend the night at his house and such. Sadly they just don't get it. It has nothing to do with forgiveness or disliking the individual as my FIL has done nothing to hurt me and we get along just fine. The issue is that offenders are never "cured" and there is no way you can know if they will offend again or not. You never, ever take chances with a child. The child can not defend themselves, and as you know the damage done by abuse is absolutely massive. It is far, far better for your adult parents to have hurt feelings than to risk another child to being abused.

One of my grandson is a pedophile and he lived with me after he served his sentence for molestation. He was in high school. He was taught he would always be a pedophile, like an alcoholic is always an alcoholic, and that a successful life for him would be managing his attraction to children.

That means protecting children by never being alone with them. My grandson took this very seriously and would never even travel by bus, because there's a chance he could be alone with children riding the bus. He couldn't work in a retail store because children might come in, etc. He works as a landscaper with a team of guys. He has a girlfriend and does not plan to have a family. He has turned friends in who have had child porn on their computers. He's doing the best he can and we are all hoping for his success. Everybody has something and short of having leprosy, having an incurable sexual attraction to children would be my idea of hell on earth.

Here's my advice: you can forgive your father; however, the higher responsibility for you is the protection of your own children. They can't be put at risk, or can your nieces and nephews. Your father lost the right to have your trust long ago and CANNOT EVER have it back. This is the path he chose by acting on his perversion in spite of the rights of his own children to his protection. You cannot think for one minute that he has "changed." He has simply learned not to act on his evil impulses.

We learn from posters here, or from our own experiences, that we cannot really control our own sexuality, i.e. what turns us on. We only control what we act on.

Definitely get therapy. I have had the demon dreams and they are symptoms of underlying psychological stress. Like a warning sign you don't ignore--a lump or a rash, get it looked into.

The most important thing for you and your future is to manage your own mental state with great care and love. Treat yourself well, preserving yourself from undo stress and stressful people. Your mother and father are beyond anything you can do or say. They have their paradigm; they have lived their lives. They can go to retreats, read books, get therapy themselves if they want to change something.

They cannot use you for that-- you have to save your psychic energy for resolving your mental balance in consideration of the terrible childhood they gave you.

Best of luck to you and keep posting. We understand and are here for you!

Anagrammy

Take away the blood relationship. What if he wasn't your father (certainly didn't act like it) Would you allow someone who had sexually abused you to be around you and to be around any children, regardless of his level of repentance?
The police put out level 1, 2, and 3 sex offender locations for a reason so that anyone can access them through the web. Remember why they do this? Is your father on their list? How does law enforcement view your father? This is a 3rd party neutral source. But maybe he has been chemically castrated.
You have convinced yourself that your father would do not damage but you just might be out of his age range and any children you may have any association with may be at danger because you feel that you must forgive your father. There is forgiveness and then there is insanity.

In a nutshell, people can change - but it rarely happens.

Your father should not be trusted to be alone with girls. But you should find a way to keep this boundary without causing too great a rift with the rest of your family. If you can't, your first responsibility is to the kids.

Thank you everyone for your comments. You've given me a lot to think about. You've given me information that is very invaluable to making decisions about myself and my family.

Thanks so much.

I agree- err on the side of caution and don't let your kids/ other kids be with him. Even if you are there. There are too many stories of kids being molested by grandpa in the corner out of site of everyone else.

Are your nightmares body memories of the abuse coming back?

I suggest a neutral therapist to deal with these issues.

I'm so sorry you had to go thru that as a kid. That's horrible.

If you spent most of your therapy time learning how to forgive your dad, then maybe you still have some work to do.

A really good book about child abuse in all it's forms is Toxic Parents by Dr. Susan Forward. Probably available at your library.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/13/2013 05:34PM by karin.