Dad Buffalo's boy is going to college; What does daddy say as boy leaves?

Bison?

NAILED IT!

Husband walks in the door and gets hit with a frying pan over his head by his wife... he says honey why did you do that?
His wife said I found a piece of paper with a girls name and number in your shirt pocket!!
Husband says I can explain.. that was a horse I was betting on at the track!
Wife apologizes and life goes on.. a week later he walks into the house and gets another "whack" with a frying pan on the head. Husband say's what was that for?
Wife say's "your horse called"

A guy walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

"What are the three tests?" asks the man

"Gotta pay first."

So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.

"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

"Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"

So, the guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys and eventually, he gets up his nerve.

"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.

He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.

Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.

"NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"

Guy walks into an appointment wearing nothing and covered in saran wrap.

Psychologist says "I can clearly see your nuts"

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.

As he enters, he asks St. Peter, ‘I have a question that’s haunted me all of my days on earth.

Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?’

St. Peter said, ‘That’s a question only God can answer.’

So the zebra went off in search of God.

When he found Him, the zebra asked, ‘God, please – I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?’

God simply replied ‘You are what you are.’

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, ‘Well, did God straighten out your query for you?’

The zebra looked puzzled. ‘No sir, God simply said ‘You are what you are.”

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, ‘Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes.’

The zebra asked St. Peter, ‘How do you know that for certain?’

‘Because,’ said St. Peter, ‘If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, ‘You is what you is.’

So it was time for my annual physical exam. When I got to the doctor's office, my doctor was out on an emergency call.

The receptionist asked if I would like to re-schedule the appointment or have my exam given by an intern. Since I was already there, I opted for the intern.

I was told to put a robe on and wait in a room down the hall. Soon, a HOT looking 20-something year old blonde bombshell walked in. It was my lucky day...she was the intern who was going to give me my physical.

A few minutes into the exam she said, "Well...I can tell right off the bat that you are going to have to stop masturbating." I asked her why, and she said "Because I am trying to give you an examination."

Mickey Mouse wanted to get a divorce from Minnie. He went to talk to a lawyer that told him that he couldn't just divorce Minnie for being crazy. Mickey said, I never told you she was crazy! I told you that she was fucking Goofy!

A man walks into a bar and notices a horse in a stall, next to the stall is a table with a bowl full of cash on it. The man asks the bartender what the deal was and the bartender replies the bet is five dollars you can't make the horse laugh if you do the bowl of money is yours. So the man puts five dollars into the bowl and whispers in the horses ear, the horse starts to laugh and the man walks out with the money.

Two weeks later the same man walks into the bar and sure enough there's the same horse with another bowl full of money. He asks the bartender what the bet is this time, he is told the bet is ten dollars he couldn't make the horse cry. Again the man puts in his money then he whispers into the horses ear, this time the horse breaks down crying. As the man starts to gather up his winnings the bartenders stops him and asks how he had made the horse laugh then cry.

The man shrugs and say's the first time I told him my manhood was bigger then his... This time I showed him!

I have a good horse bar joke too.

A horse walks into the bar. Sensing possible safety hazards management quickly evacuates all the patrons out of the building. Animal control is called so that people who have the necessary experience could safely get the horse out of the building.Once the horse was out of the bar there were still some patrons left hanging around though most people had left. Management told everybody that they could have one draft on the house for the inconvenience. Later that day the horse walked onto a highway and got hit by a truck.

I don't get it.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the othe side! (The afterlife). Took me 20 years to get that joke..

Why did the possum cross the road? To show the chicken how to do it.
And why did the armadillo cross the road? To show the possum the importance of using the proper protective equipment.

The bishop visited Primary to see how things were going, and decided to test the kids' Bible knowledge. After asking a bunch of questions (Who walked on the water? Who led the children of Israel out of Egypt, etc.) he asked a boy, "Do you know how the wall of Jericho fell down?"

The boys immediately answered, "No. And I didn't do it, either!" This really vexed him. He later asked the president of Primary if she could account for such an answer.

"He's a very well behaved boy, and comes from a good BIC family," she answered. "If he says he didn't do it, then I'll take his word for it--he didn't do it."

This really got at the bishop. At the next High Priesthood meeting, he described the event, and said, "Men, this is completely unacceptable for children's Bible teaching in our ward. I have some business to look over in the office. I want you to talk this over, and I'd like to hear your recommendation on what we should do about it before we adjourn."

When he rejoined them later, the first counselor addressed the issue. "We've given this a lot of thought. We don't want to impose on the family or create further embarrassment. We decided to just authorize the money, have the wall repaired, and then leave the whole matter alone."

I will happy when we can live in a world where our feathered friends can walk where they want without their the motivations being questioned!

EL OH EL ~ Heidi GWOTR beat Ziller to that one !

Wow... Cant believe i didnt get that until just now...

I want to die like my grandfather, peacefully in my sleep, not screaming in terror like his passengers.

What's red and smells like blue paint?
Red Paint!

A Gorilla walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender realizes he is dreaming because gorillas can't talk and they are not endemic to the Tri City area in which he lived. THe bartender woke up and told his wife about the dream who barely acknowledged him. She just stared at her phone the entire time. The bartender rolled over and quitely sobbed for a couple hours because he realized his marriage was over.

How do you confuse a blonde?
Strip down to your boxers, paint yourself green and throw plastic cutlery at her while singing showtunes and growling.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What do you deduce?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow . . . ."

"Why? What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent!"



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/29/2014 09:44AM by utahstateagnostics.

What is the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

A BMW has pricks on the inside.

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

A boy whale and a girl whale were swimming in the ocean. They were minding their own business when they swam up near a pier. The fishermen on the pier started throwing harpoons at them. They swam off with a couple of flesh wounds.

They boy whale turned to the girl whale and said, "This makes me really, really mad. We were minding our own business and the stupid fishermen started throwing harpoons at us. And now I'm bleeding.

I tell you what we are going to do. We are going to sneak up under the pier. Then we are going to blow water out of our blow holes and get the fishermen all wet. Finally we are going to jump up on the pier and eat them."

The girl whale thought about it for a moment and then said, "I'll do the blow job but I won't eat the sea men."

What did the father tell his son right before he kicked the bucket?

"I wonder how far I can kick this bucket."

A women who loves exotic birds walks into a bird shop and tells the owner I'm looking for an unusual bird what do you have? The owner leads her to the back room and brings out a small yellow bird in a cage then sets it on a table. Whats so unusual about it she asks, this is krunch bird he replies just watch what he does. The owner takes the bird from the cage sets it down on the table and say's to it "krunch bird the table". The bird chews the table to sawdust, he then say's "krunch bird the chair" the bird chews it into sawdust.The women is amazed and say's I'll take him so the owner puts the bird back into the cage takes her money and she goes home.

Not long afterwards she heard her husband pull into the driveway and remembers his telling her not to buy anymore birds. In a panic she takes the bird from the cage and hides it in the medicine cabinet then goes to greet her husband. How was your day at the office she asked, don't talk to me about it right now he growled I need something for my headache. He goes into the bathroom opens the cabinet and sees the bird, What the hell is this? he asks. She replies that's krunch bird dear... "Ah Krunch bird my ass!" he shouts

A dog walks into a bar, with one foot bandaged. The bartender says, "What are YOU doing in here?" Dog replies, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."


Q: What do you call 100,000 Mormons at the bottom of a lake?
A: A start!


Q: How do you get 30 BYU coeds in a VW Bug?
A: Toss in an Engagement Ring!

Fun Post

Top Ten Things to Do in the Temple....posted by Scottie


1. Ask if they've got anything in blue as white isn't your favorite color.
2. Ask to be seated in the smoking section for the movie.
3. Pass around popcorn.
4. When Lucifer appears, start a wave.
5. Ask if anyone has a remote as you want to change the channel.
6. Nudge the person next to you and say, "Hey, that Satan is one sexy dude."
7. When everyone stands up, take away one of the chairs.
8. Ask for a pint of Pay, Lay, Ale.
9. Play catch with your hat.
10. Do the "Five Points of Fellowship Tango".



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/30/2014 04:16AM by presleynfactsrock.

11. Ask the person behind you what his/her new name is, because you forgot yours.

BBC News - A man died by drowning after falling into a vat at the Guinness brewery in Dublin. Police are treating the death as suspicious as he got out nine times to have a piss

Mr Hicks was in charge of safety at the Medieval Faire and he had a problem. A dog had run onto the jousting track, the knight from Indiana had stopped short to avoid it and, as a result, had been impaled on his jousting stick. After much thought, HIcks came up with a solution and called a press conference. The headline in the morning paper announcing his decision was “Stray Injures Indy Knight, Hicks Changing Lances.”

If you ever felt your underwear was special...you must be a mormon.

If your ever shaved off your beard because you felt unrighteousness.. You must be a mormon.


If you got baptized and you get baptized for dead people...you must be a mormon.

If you think native Americans floated here from the old country...you must be a mormon.

If you think paying money to god will get you into heaven...you must be a mormon

If you see women's shoulders in public and you feel guilty...you must be a mormon.

If you have a stick family on the back window of your family car...you must be a mormon.

If you exclude family members from your wedding because they are unworthy...you must be a mormon

If you visit your neighbor as an assignment...you must be a mormon

If you have food stored in your house waiting for Jesus...you must be a mormon.

If one day you think you will own your own planet...you must be a mormon

If you think a religious leader asking your kid if he jerks off is okay...you must be a mormon.

If you think you can turn yourself into a god by faith...you must be a mormon.

If you think building a high end mall is part of gods plan...you must be a mormon.

If you think you have special powers to heal people...you must be a mormon.

If you relate all your problems in front of your congregation while crying...you must be a mormon

If you think dinosaurs came from another plant...you must be a mormon

If you think JS could translate Egyptian...you must be a mormon.


If you think jello is a main dish...you must be a mormon.

A man walks into a bar obviously stone drunk, and asks for a drink. "Sorry," says the bartender politely,"But you've obviously already had a little too much to drink."

Fuming mad, the drunk stalks out the front door of the bar, turns the corner, and walks into the side door of the same bar. “Can I have a drink please.”

“Sorry,” the bartender says, “I can't serve you a drink here.”

The drunk angrily walks out again, goes all the way to the back of the building, and goes back in to the bar through the back door. “I want a drink.”

“Enough!” The bartender screams.“NO! I told you! No drinks! I will NOT serve you a drink!”

The drunk looks puzzled, frowns, scratches his head, and looks closely at the bartender, then exclaims, “Damn! How the hell many bars you work at?”
***********************************************************************
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. As he’s sitting there, he hears a tiny voice, “Nice shirt.”

The man looks around, but doesn’t see anyone. A little while later, he hears another little voice, “I really like your tie.”

He looks around to find the source of the voice. But again, he doesn’t see anyone.

The bartender notices him looking around and asks if everything is okay. The man explains that he’s hearing small voices saying nice things to him.

The bartender says, “Oh, that’s just the peanuts. They’re complimentary.”

1. An Irishman walks past a pub. Hey.... it could happen.

2. Patient to shrink: "Everyone always ignores me."
Shrink: "Next."

3. MD to patient: "Sorry to tell you, you only have 6 months to live."
Patient: "SIX MONTHS!?? I can't even pay your bill in 6 months!"
MD: "OK, I'll give you another 6 months."