I was a convert to the Church and married my BIC husband in the temple.

We have been married over 35 years. He has always been into porn and masturbation. Not my business until he started to act entitled to all sorts of sex acts I did not want to do. Game over. He ruined many sexual encounters and turned them into weird negotiations. He lost the idea that sex with another person should be mutually pleasurable and respectful. I said the only way we can keep this thing going is for there to be no porn in our house. I put a filter on the computer. I do not monitor movies or his other activities. Now that he is demanding changes such as open marriage and sexual freedom, I am pushing back again. I want to be comfortable in my space. I want to be able to invite people over and leave drapes open without worry. He can go to private areas of the house and enjoy private matters with his private parts. It just looks to me like he wants his own place. I have encouraged him to explore that idea furter. Luckily, I am a good investor and I have some money. We have two adult children and another away in college. I left the Church at the beginning of the year. He still attends. Go figure.

I get where you are coming from. My first husband was very into porn, strippers and prostitutes and maintained a double life even though I was a very willing participant in sexual activity. The thing is, he preferred strangers over intimacy.

Within several years of our marriage, he started to be more and more blatant with regard to his masturbatory habits. Eventually, he spent just about all the time he was home sitting around in his underwear playing with his handy BFF. He'd walk in from work and immediately the clothes came off - sometimes there was a trail starting at the front door.

I was particularly disgusted when he'd be busy playing with his p-nis while he was on the phone with friends, family and co-workers. I'd ask him if he thought these people would be ok with this if they knew - he'd just avoid the question.

Then came the day I found him laying on the floor in his underwear rubbing our infant back and forth on top of him. I was stunned. Although I was very nervous, I was able to whisper this to my counselor. She told me she was a mandated reporter but she agreed to hold off and first talk with my husband's sexual addiction counselor about his behavior. This led to him having to go through testing with a penile plethysmograph to check if he was aroused by children. He tested as being aroused by sexually mature teenage girls and women. But he'd spun out of control and was sexualizing about all areas of his life.

Very firm boundaries were put in place: he was to remain fully clothed at all times unless he was in the bathroom with the door closed and locked, wear appropriate sleepwear to bed, not rub the baby against himself, hold the baby at chest level or sit with the baby on his leg (not lap). He also had to respect my boundaries and allow me to change my clothes in private and also not walk in on me while I was bathing or using the toilet. He'd broken down my boundaries to where I'd given up trying to lock the bathroom door - whenever I did he'd stand outside asking what I was doing and make various obscene sexual suggestions. It felt wonderful to finally have my privacy back and to not be inflicted with the sight of my husband obsessively masturbating.

He was a very sick puppy. Eventually he admitted to voyeuristic activity in his teens and I know of some he did toward me. When he was a young teen, he initiated sexual contact between him and his mother on at least one occasion and she just swept it under the carpet (beyond sick).

Obviously you are not together now. How long did it take for you to break up after you saw the incident with the baby?

Sadly, it took about twelve years and two more children before I was strong enough to break away. It was crazymaking to live with someone who lied about anything and everything. I entered the marriage as a fully self-supporting and strong person but slowly began to doubt myself and my sanity over the years. We separated three times before it became permanent. I'd become very shut down emotionally and was just functioning from day to day. After we separated for good, I felt like a flower slowly unfurling its petals. It was only after-the-fact that I realized how damaging the marriage had been on my psyche and sense of self-worth.

Take good care of yourself. If it was your best friend living under these conditions, what advice would you give her?

Just for fun, you should tell him "Well I want to be open to new ideas. Why don't you come up with some sort of guidelines or a contract as to what behaviors should be acceptable and sign it. Then bring me the contract, and I'll see if I have any objections. If I don't, then I'll sign it and we'll start living by it." Then when he delivers the signed contract to you, tell him you'll need a couple of days and mail it to the bishop.

This is a great suggestion!

Sexuality is beautiful...but the long standing Christian tradition of demonizing it is evil.

Ron Burr

Sex is gross and unappealing to some and somehow beautiful to others. It's really up to personal preference. Tastes differ and beauty is subjective.

Although asexuality may be natural and normal for some... part of me wonders if Sex is viewed as gross and weird by some of the population BECAUSE of the demonizing of it at large.

I suppose that could be, but it’s quite a leap from sinful to gross. You can be told plexing is sinful your whole life but when you find out it means sticking your toes up someone’s nostrils it's kind of up to you to notice what a bizarre activity it is.

The leap between sinful and gross is not that wide...

Especially to someone indoctrinated from birth that certain things are automatically bad...

Didnt you ever get that lesson in church about virtue being like gum. Who wants a chewed up piece of gum???

There is lots of ways people try and make "sin" look "Gross"

It's relative, yes... but when you grow up with a certain culture, context means less.

My ex had a thing for golden showers. To drink. I would not participate. However he started voicing his fantasies out loud during sex. I was completely turned off, asked him to keep his fantasies to himself. He didn't. After we were separated I brought this up and he said....I thought we could bring up anything in sex. NOT WHEN I ASKED YOU NOT TO.

He said he former girlfriend also would not participate. Don't know if he ever found his dream girl. Don't care. I saw him twice after we divorced, both times he didn't see me and I made sure he didn't. I went to classmates.com (which I do every few years, I have no profile) and found he had visited my profile. Why, I wonder?

My (paternal) grandmother was one of the original "health food nuts," and I grew up with a hefty, constantly growing, collection of health and fitness books, magazines, and other materials (flip-out charts, etc.)---some of which I still have (and, at this point, the collection I inherited is probably of some historical value).

In those very early decades of the twentieth century, there were all kinds of marginal theories at least provisionally advanced (because science was not yet at the point where these kinds of "good health" hypotheses and claims could be scientifically evaluated---all of the scientific and medical resources were devoted to stamping out the lethal and life-destroying scourges of that time: polio, etc.).

When it came to the subject of optimum attainable health, my grandma's curiosity was limitless--she read EVERYTHING. If there was the slightest possibility that a particular book, advancing a particular theory, had a grain of truth hidden somewhere within its thousands of words, she would carefully analyze those words until she found the wisdom she was seeking.

When I was growing up, no one realized how curious I was, so no one knew what I was reading out of the family collections. My maternal grandparents had some sex books (late 1800s-early 1900s vintage) that taught me about sex (as well as a highly relevant vocabulary in Latin), and my paternal grandmother's health library taught me things that expanded my life from that point forward.

Among my grandma's books, packed in cartons in an outside storage building, were a number of books about the reasons why urine was a valuable health resource. Although I never accepted the thesis of these books (even later, when I saw many of the same things repeated in translations of Asian medical texts), it sure did expand my notions of what might be POSSIBLE--even if what was being talked about was not true.

Much later, when I was a young adult and working with younger and older celebrities in the entertainment industry, when I would learn--for example--that Ricky Martin (the singer; originally from the group Menudo), was "into" "golden showers," etc., I had at least a theoretical background within me to access that helped a great deal in my understanding.

Obviously and of course, there is still a great deal of debate on the efficacies (or lack thereof) of urine as a health resource, and also--on a completely different (sexual) level--of urolagnia among the paraphilias. (There is an entire sub-specialty in Asian medicine devoted to urine and its practical health uses.)

But because of my (paternal) grandmother and her amazing health library, I was able to demonstrate a kind of amazing (to me!) insouciance when I found out that Ricky Martin (plus a few other celebrities as well) included urolagnia among the things sexually important to him.

Thanks to my Grandma, I was able to take a totally unexpected bit of knowledge in stride and later treat it with empathy and adult objectivity.



Edited 5 time(s). Last edit at 08/29/2014 06:19PM by tevai.

Using it as a weapon against someone you say you love is.

Can I get an Amen?


(or at least a Ramen?)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/30/2014 12:13AM by utahstateagnostics.

I would probably think about calling a shrink if my wife started repeatedly rubbin' one out all over the place. Sorry If I offend you ladies

I googled compulsive masturbation and this is what I got:

http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2010/10/10/narcissist-and-sex-addiction

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq29.html
"Narcissists are misogynists. They hold women in contempt, they loathe and fear them. They seek to torment and frustrate them (either by debasing them sexually - or by withholding sex from them). They harbor ambiguous feelings towards the sexual act."

http://bestrelationshipsever.com/blog/2010/11/01/the-3-types-of-cheaters-why-you-need-to-know-the-difference/

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/messages.asp?topicid=3404&section=00010001000800210001


I'm far from prude and recognize abusive behaviour when I see it. Like Susan said, he is using sex as a weapon.

Wow, those are some powerfully good articles! Thank you.

Consider the possibility that you might really enjoy being single. When you are single, you home is your castle and your haven. You can have everything just the way you like. You can eat what you want, when you want, and come and go as you please. You can shop until you drop with no one to object. However clean you want to keep your house is how it will stay. No one will disturb your peaceful rest. You can watch whatever TV shows and movies that please you.

Don't get me wrong -- I think that having a loving, responsible life partner would be awesome. But whenever I read about a woman who is married to an asshat, I thank my lucky stars that I don't have to suffer through that. There are worse things in life than being single. You sound like you are experiencing the worst of married life. There may be a brighter future in store for you if you choose to part ways from this very immature and self-involved man.

Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 08/29/2014 08:43PM by cl2.