Feelings of isolation often overwhelm me. It is disorienting. I recognize the factors:
1. Recently left the LDS community.
2. Moved to a new area where the people are not very friendly. I am cut off from seeing family and former friends.
3. Tbm husband travels frequently, leaving me alone.
4. Tbm family loves me but disapprove of my religious changes.

Except for RfM, I feel disconnected, lonely and misunderstood.
I hate self-pity. But these dark feelings are real and incapacitating. I can't go on this way. I need to get emotionally healthier.

My question for you is - how have you successfully dealt with feelings of isolation?

Maybe there are some RfM people nearby you can connect with. Are you in a highly populated area where a cry for help on this site would secure your anonymity? Find out if there's a meet-up of exmos so you can socialize.

That sounds so difficult! Having my husband leave the church with me, as well as having some exmo sisters has helped a ton for me. But I still struggle with feeling lonely sometimes.

I'm not sure what your family situation is like, but are you able to work (if you're not already) to make more friends? Or like Tom said, find some exmos that you can make friends with and not feel so alone?

Wow, I'm sorry that you're going through this. Tom's suggestion is great and here are a few more:

1) You're in a new town that's a bit insular. Possible avenues for creating a sense of belonging to a community are, volunteering, joining a hobbiest group (whatever interests you). When we moved countries I took a bunch of classes offered by the community centre and a couple of local businesses and met some lovely people. Now may be the time to try something you've always wanted to do but haven't. Also, some other people on the board have mentioned the Unitarian Church as a great way to transition and find your feet with a new community that isn't driven by a specific denomination.

2) The dreaded exercise. Admittedly, not my personal favourite but there are correlates to exercise and lifting your mood. Even a nice walk, may put you into greater contact with your neighbours.

And,

3) Talk to your doctor about how you're feeling. It may be that a therapist or support group will help especially since you're going through leaving the church. It's also a chance to focus on yourself. I did just that. It was hard because of the stigma, but ultimately worth it.

((Hugs)) (Sorry, I'm a cyber huggy person. :-))



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/01/2014 12:30AM by sassypants.

work or please you. do what you will, 'thou mayest' keep what work works for you.

*changed work site (twice) always be willing to change meet new employees without garments in a new way. accept assignments to new work teams, new positions gladly. be flexible accept, even seek out change opportunities- team, level, trainings, travel, site-ing eagerly enthusistically- to grow it everything renew
and meet new people not just the old

*meet new trainers, get coaching in work skills, through employer, seek and accept mentors in meditation techniques, beading, jewelery making, weight lifting, life coaching- take it

*learn to not bring up beliefs or values or dogma in conversation *this takes a long time* talk about what is going on - art on the walls at gallery, last play at game- cheer!

*join a gym & go there daily (first 3 years out of the church)a family membership

*go to classes at other gyms- pay per class & met people shared numbers exchanged email found their employer their gig

*joined a gym closer to work (year 4-6 out) not a family membership

*drive to biggest regional bookstore. look. browse. talk. buy coffee latte.

*I wanted to get out of my rut old routine volunteer to go on fieldtrips, volunteer to supervise football games browse get out

*met the most supportive yoga instructor and prayer practitioner ever when I tried gentle yoga class for other overcoming surgeries or injuries (2 years, year 5-7 out) I can still call her

*stopped walking on the same paths in the same neighborhood (2nd year out on)

*met extremely caring folk when I tried spiritual awareness center meditation classes (3 years)

*met nice people tried early morning mass with opera singers- free- (3 years)

*Met with a group of like 18 people, peer led by a man and woman who weren't ministers, 5 week or 10 week life ^ prayer seminar (like to look at nature they say is a prayer, to look at a statue or icon is a form of prayer, not just like taught, being mindful of gratitude in a thought is a prayer according to them, or writing down what you appreciate they said could be prayer, or reading a book about idea or an article could a prayer called lectia lectina lectivia eh? divinia yea. ) and going to a silent retreat to see pretty things in the base of sequoia national park differently.

*went to palm reader for the first time- saw a psychic I was wild

*I changed me, the hands I'd see, I changed my jewelry- melted recast my rings, I left my old re placed my jewels into other rings or things
so I didn't see anything of the temple bride when I cast my garments aside- I could finally wear flowers and styles not the engagement ring I wanted when I was 18
uh same guy. took him with me to plan the new ring. had him watch me as I sorted my jewelry box to sell for gold & take back the stones to reset. explained I wanted him, but to be an
authentic me- not just the bridal styles that awed me when I was 18 & I didn't want to get divorced to get a second chance to finally get a ring I wanted now. LOL

*first I went to a therapist, late night so I had my husband drive me through fog & weather, who invited my husband to therapy (with a mfcc specializing as a sex therapist) try it all of it even if its gradual homework
change embrace the love
not relive mormon shames

*vacationed with non mormon friends deliberately differently immediately first chance I got without children

*speak out on church hurt church injustice here at RFM not on my poor husband at home (I say that now I was outrageous) he had to kneel and hold me I was so angry words wouldn't say

* changed my SUV vehicle first to a convertible the year I took my garments (didn't remember that until just now)

* change my convertible six, seven years after attending sacrament meeting after dragging as fast I could down highways in moonlight with the top open along the pacific coast, and learning to drink at conventions mainly----individually,
to a recreation truck to share with husband.

*drove to cities where I used to go to the temple and did something else instead on purpose, a long ways from home
wash & repeat until there was no anxiety
walked on a southern ca pier
walked on a southern ca sidewalk near a pier
went on a ferry to an island
went to a hotel
not the temple

*look up tantra explored tantric sex its about breathing together I think even if you don't feel the energy
I think men would like that even mormons would like that, woudln't they?

*convinced my husband to go to some yoga classes and try many new things privately

*became less interested in the neighbors for 4 to 6 years immersing myself in my husband when he or I were at home learned to love daylight not just moonlight in his arms

*danced
more
I listened to music in coffee shops, at events, and let go of the relief society songs and mormon style songs
got all new cds intially, so I wouldn't sing sound dance like my mormon ward

*used my kids' away from home universities as an excuse to explore the planet further. learned to use google maps and navigate away from home further and further.

*learned to travel without a calling as an excuse learned to define my own life travel path because I wanted to be there not because I had to travel with the youth or the ward temple trip but becaause it was something for me I wanted to

*I looked at the plates in restarants and conventions and hotels I went to, went home, and I got rid of the kid dishes went to mikasa outlet and gave myself grown up plates. got mikasa center piece, place settings usually clearance to eat differently.

*I wanted life to taste and feel better than relief society cooking, so I watched satelite cooking shows then I gave away pots and pans to the kids when they were grown up and got rid of every handle ever pot I'd touched when attending the mormon church no physical triggers left in the kitchen

*watched people at staff meetings, distict meetings, foot games, restaurants, conventions drinking coffee around me, watched, and copied them, explored making coffee- almost blew up an expresso stove top thing- real good with french press, learned to make a home made mocha latte

*notice other people with travel mugs not soda cups, got travel mugs from star bucks & sipped coffee cold or hot more than soda with less and less sugar and chocolate until finally I like it with half and half or even milk no sugar

*stood in line at coffee shops, then bought a coffee grinder and mortar and pestal learned to grind chai latte coriander make home make chai and serve it

*watched non members who weren't cold, talked to them, then found cuddle duds or stretchy nike tops or carhartt cami stretchy cotton to replace garments in chill- but better explored layers and prettiness

Wonderful suggestions. You make life sound so fun!

Good advice, everyone.

Really, changing even the smallest details of your life, helps yu change on the inside. My children and I were abused in the Mormon church, so our circumstances were extreme, so maybe our recovery actions were extreme. Still, I decided that the Mormons were not going to dictate my behavior or values. For example, I made a conscious decision to keep my beliefs in God, Christ, and The Bible. The children and I attended the Lutheran church, and the Methodist church Christmas Eve candlelight service, Catholic organ recitals and choral performances. No one could accuse me of being a heathen.

I did not change my lifestyle drastically, on the outside. I didn't start smoking and drinking (why start bad habits?) My moral standards were far above most Mormons. I was super conscientious about telling the truth, after being taught to lie, to flatter, to be phony, to be a false, assigned friend. I had to get rid of the bad Mormon garbage that had been forced down my throat.

Yes, dress differently! It is fun to buy cute underwear at Victoria's Secret, and I doubt your husband would object to this. You can still be modest, but wear more colors, scarves and accessories. Something as simple as getting your jewelry re-cast makes a difference--I did that, too! I wear colored nail polish. I got rid of those hated panty hose and wear thigh-highs. I grew out my hair, and let it go naturally curly. No one knew I had curly hair.

I walked every day, because I was afraid I would be depressed if I didn't. Really, I wasn't deeply depressed, and as soon as I made a clean break with Mormonism, the sadness vanished, and hasn't returned for 7 years.

You have a different situation, because you can't make a really clean break with the cult. Your husband and his family are still TBM. Be careful not to buy into their lies about their own lives being happier than yours, God blessing them more than He Blesses you. You will NOT end up in "outer darkness." These are personal assaults on you as a non-Mormon. Don't take all this personally. Mormons insult everyone who won't conform to their cult--everyone! It is the church of hate, and much of it will be directed at you. Somehow, you must adapt to this, but first you must see it and acknowledge that this is happening. Mormon shunning is a reality. All of us have been shunned.

Being new in town can work to your advantage. You can approach new places as a tourist. Ask directions, say, "I'm new here." Strangers respond to that. When I first left the church, volunteered in the schools, because I had a teaching certificate, but also because schools are happy places, filled with the nicest people. I love children. You might like pets, and want to volunteer to help animals. I don't know where you are, or what your interests are, but you can make a list of things you enjoy, and do them--alone, at first. I started skiing again, and met a lot of people on the ski lifts.

Don't let your TBM in-laws dominate your free time. Don't let them try to take the place of friends. You need friends. If you work, this is a plus, for hanging out with your colleagues after work. My best friends were the non-Mormons at work.

Here is a fact: Mormons want you to feel "isolated" when you leave. They want you to feel so terrible, that you will be forced to come back to the fold.

When I first left the cult, the TBM neighbors would not speak to me, and would not even look at me. I left quietly, and did not make any fuss or do anything obnoxious. Soon, my children went away to college, and got married. I lived alone for 4 years--truly alone. In my loneliest hours, I was still happy that I was away from that dreary cult. No one was judging me because I was single, no one was blaming my illnesses on "lack of faith", no one was jealous and vindictive over my successes, either.

Try to look at being alone as "peaceful solitude." This could be an opportunity for you to figure out your likes and dislikes, set personal, solitary goals, just to please yourself. Many hobbies are best pursued by yourself, such as reading, studying, painting, practicing a musical instrument, sewing, writing, blogging, and exercising (if you want to go at your own pace and choose your own exercise). Bicyclists and hikers are usually by themselves.

Get a dog or kitty, to keep you company when your husband is gone. You didn't mention if you have children, or not. You could always babysit. RFM is here for you at all hours of the day and night.

Remember to have fun with your new freedom. Don't let the Mormons suck you into their despair and hopelessness. I really believe that depression is contagious.

http://www.exmormon.org/helpers.htm

Our Community > Post-Mormon Chapters (drop-down menu) at http://www.postmormon.org/

"What to Do When You’re Married But Lonely": http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201306/what-do-when-you-re-married-lonely

Why not join or start a hobby club? Craigslist has a "Groups" section for each city/area: http://www.craigslist.org/about/sites

I'm not much of a social media user, but plenty of people regularly use Facebook and Twitter to stay in touch with other individuals. Facebook has a Groups section: https://www.facebook.com/about/groups

Best wishes!

I think that people tend to underestimate just how hard moves are once you become an adult. Hang in there. In time, you will find your footing. For now, look for announcements in your community newspaper about clubs that you might be interested in joining. The American Association of University Women (if you are a college graduate) has chapters all over the place. There are also community sororities such as Beta Sigma Phi. Google "community sorority" if you are interested in that option. Volunteer work (for your local library, hospital, animal shelter, etc.) could also help you to feel more connected to your community.

Walking a friendly dog (either your own or as a volunteer for an animal shelter) can be a great way to meet people.

These are very good ideas and many of them are new to me. I am very, very appreciative and will try them.

preferAnon Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> These are very good ideas and many of them are new
> to me. I am very, very appreciative and will try
> them.

These are some good ideas so far, inasmuch that I won't need to add my own (and since most of them are already included here).

I simply wanted to wish you the best and congratulate you in your newfound passion and reality.

Go for a walk and say hi to other hikers. Buy something and smile at the clerk. Go to a museum or art gallery and say a word or two to anyone.

Take a class. Go to a meeting. These are listed at least once a week in every local paper.

Gradually, you feel acclimated and you'll eventually meet new people if you don't give up.

RfM should not be underestimated. You're not alone if you're talking to us. We're here for you as long as you need us.

and look for post mormon, exmormon, humanist, secular, groups and start attending their get togethers. Just went for a hike this morning with some super cool exmos who I met in an exmo group. The church no longer controls you so spread your horizons and introduce yourself to others. BTW, I'm a married guy and these were two married women I went hiking with. We had a great time and it was a beautiful day.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/01/2014 04:21PM by Ihidmyself.

"RfM should not be underestimated. You're not alone if you're talking to us. We're here for you as long as you need us."

Thanks, unseen friends. It's been a very tough weekend.

RfM has been my lifeline.* You give me that push I need to get out the door when I want to hide. You are my reality check. You correct me sometimes and your different points of view have saved me from some mistakes. Your friendshipping eases the deep pain I've often felt this past rocky year. And I'm sorry that so many of you know exactly what that pain feels like.

*Sometimes I post under a different name.)

I decided to try it this weekend. It was about lonliness in a house or marraige, and I wanted to see what they were talking about. (psych today article on the right column to click & read from a link above this in the thread.)

It seemed to say that routines separate people. One leaves for work, different times, eating breakfast earlier etc.

Um I wonder if it intensifies a social anxiety separateness from outside the house or apartment- wow- not in the church not in another church or a gang or anything but work sniff. compared to before wearing garments we were invinceable- like an army of supermen with hiddent superman clothes. All jokes aside= it feels alone compared to being a sister in the church.

So I wondered about aplying ideas in the psychology today article to my life now. I see that a computer screen moved to the center of my dining nook- blocking eye contact (we use it for netflicks together or on the couch) but it added to a sense of separteness when we were together, eating. Moved it back on the back edge of the table- problem solved.

Skype or face time needs to be used for part of my calls- that eye contact. I'll just pull back my hair because its not always fixed for public calls. More face time. More eye contact even talking about errands.

Has anyone else read the article from the link? Are there any non church related, non meditation non religious acts or
routines- in an apartment or house which one can consciously try to share or engage in? (well besides sex)

for instance, how do I share in a weight lifting routine near an old scholarship greko roman wrestler? you know I am so - I do such different things- how can he work out with me? He can be near me but there can't be unity except that we're both there?

how do you do this? one person's knees hurt, or back hurts, the other is spinning on a bike. Any coaches or sports routines- a gathering or a circle or something?

How do you focus on the non irritable- focus on the non intangible- the concrete (not religious ideas) and live it- be it give it- and get your partner to bring it to the moment

I used to be SOOOO bad- walking trying to talk doctrine. One time (after three surgeries in 3 summers for 2 tumors in 2 family members) my spouse & I were thrashed- & after waves of relief - anger happened. bills- anger medical costs- anger. no europe- anger. LOL knee ache anger. church lied anger. fuel cost anger. anger anger. it was just everywhere. Finally all I could talk about was one tiny interest- chemistry. Walked around the track, spouse sharing chem lectures hearing my questions (because I wanted a shared connect with him)--
it was all we had that didn't trigger pain fear anger. For about three months. plus sex. & great sex. That's the chemistry- willingness wanting to be together so bad we would even talk through chapter of chemistry to be walking, talking civilly during partners' &* own fears+ anger.

Try the article-= thanks for the link! Best to everyone tonight

that's what the lonely psychology today article made me think of. Any one else read it?