Hi everyone...

I posted once here before...anyways...I am continually in saddening situation.

I don't really want to serve a mission and feel pretty sure that the church is not really true.

Many of you continually post about your frustrations with mormons...their faults, stupidities, etc. However, I am in the opposite situation.

I have a very deep connection with my dad and bishop. My dad is the SP. I have never met a more honest and hard working man then my dad. He continues to work with our family even though his marriage does not seem very happy to me at all (my mom never cares about how much work he has done, how he is feeling, etc). He works a 9-5 and then goes straight to church and then my mom expects him to do the dishes for her even though she has been home the whole time. (I am not trying to be sexist, and don;t get me wrong, my mom works very hard. But I can easily see that the marriage is not balanced equally).

Anyway, I am just so unsure how to feel about the church. To be honest, I want the chruch to be true just so my dad can get the justice he deserves for all the work he has put into it.

This puts me in a dilemma....I don't really feel like the church is true, but I almost want to serve a mission just to make my dad proud. I know how much he worries for me.

What emotional support can you guys provide?

If I were you and weren't really sure about things yet, I'd let your dad know that I need some time to study and find out what's right for you, even if that means delaying the mission for a while. If you go it shouldn't be for someone else. It's your life and you should take charge of it now that you're an adult. Just tell them you need to sort things out and make sense of things, hopefully they'll understand.

Funny thing, my dad's not a member but he was actually proud of me when I went on a mission. But recently when I left the church, I told him and he was also very proud of me. Everyone's different, but for me I found that my dad was just excited for me when I set out to do what I believed to be true. I guess I'm just trying to say there's hopefully a lot of better ways to make your dad proud than going on a mission. It would be a miserable disaster for you to go not believing. You likely wouldn't make it the whole two years, and then coming home early you would feel the shame from your dad, family and ward. This in my opinion would be much worse than just deciding it's not for you.

Good luck, and keep studying. Be very sure in what you decide!

I think one of the hardest parts of leaving for me came when I had to separate the people that I knew in the church from the gospel that I no longer believed.

Your dad sounds like an incredibly hard-working man and he's very lucky to have a child who supports and loves him like you do. However, to stay in the church or to not question aspects of it because you want to keep your father happy will never be a healthy option. Ultimately, living that double life will become too frustrating and it will spill out into your life in worse ways that sitting down and talking with your dad about your concerns.

Your father sounds like someone who will listen and you sound like someone who has a good idea about why you're not sure about the church. Whatever you decide, it has to be something that comes from your own true desires and not from an attempt to make other people happy.

Your dad gets his validation for what he does by having such a great child, not by whether or not you follow the path that the church deems right. You are the only person who knows what you want from this life and even if you don't, you are allowed to take time to think about it.

You have our support!

I know exactly how you feel, I was in your situation about 2 years ago with a similar parental situation. I reminded my parents that missionaries aren't required to serve at 19, and I told them I needed some more time to mature and live on my own first. After awhile, they learned I don't believe in the church, and realized I never had intentions of serving a mission in the first place. A mission is an extremely demanding 2 years, and you're not lying to them when you say you're not ready. The best thing you can do is to be patient when making a life-changing, 2 year decision.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. You have to at least tell them you don't want to serve a mission, give an excuse like you're not into sales or very shy. If you don't tell them this par,t it will be harder on you then it will be on them. Don't even say you think the church is false, not yet.

I' m really sorry that you have to go through this at such a young age. It really is way too much stress for a young person to handle, let alone thinking about college at the same time.

Test the waters with them and just flat out say you don't want to go and see what their reaction is.

Gee whiz I hate it when people treat others poorly for not having the same views. I hope thing will get better for you!

I would tell your father that you don't feel ready to go on a mission just yet. Tell him that you need some time on your own to mature first.

Go away to college for two years. And by away, I mean away. Live in a dormitory and spend your weekends at school, bonding with your peers. I think it's important that you make it a non-church school.

That will give you the space, time, and atmosphere you need to think things through.

As much as you love your dad, you should not devote two years of your life to making him proud of you. Only go on a mission if you believe in the church, and if that is what you really, really want to do. Even then, it will be difficult enough.

Bear in mind that President Monson never went on a mission. Neither did certain other members of the 12/70. As much as the church would have you believe that "every worthy young man" goes on a mission, everyone doesn't.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/04/2013 05:36AM by summer.

I am much like you. Although I am frustrated with the way the LDS church often causes its members to act I have many family members and friends that are LDS that I respect immensely.

In the long term you just can't live your life in an non-authentic way to try to make other people that you respect and love happy. You dad being a great man (who has been caught up on a 200 year old con) is not enough reason to serve a mission.

Same here. I don't come from one of the (apparently many) crazy mormon families around. My family is wonderful and loving. I tried to hold onto my faith just for the sake of my family for years. Ultimately, it just doesn't work. Because ultimately, the church just isn't true. Studying more about it only makes that more apparent. It doesn't hang together.

I don't even know if I can give advice here - I've been a complete chicken about opening up to my family what I believe (or don't believe). Right now there seems to be a mutual agreement to ignore the issue, so I'm sticking with that as long as it lasts.

For now, try to find some way to put off the issue of a mission until you feel more confident in where you stand on things. Go to mormonthink.com. Get an education. Give yourself time to grow up. Trust yourself. Good luck!

I think it's helpful to understand that the LDS church likes to take responsibility for anyone or anything good that happens in your life. They want you to make a link between good things in your life and the church being true.

-You found your cell phone that's been lost for a month? It's because the church is true.

-You got into the college of your choice? It's because the church is true.

-You have a really great dad who loves you? It's because the church is true.


There are good and bad people in every walk of life and in every religion. Your dad is a great man because he chooses to be. You have to examine the doctrine of the church on its own merits. The fact that there are good people in the Mormon church really isn't enough reason to believe it is true.

I was in your shoes, too. I still sometimes struggle with the way some people on this board paint members of the church. My mom is the greatest, most selfless person I've ever known. She is Mormon through and through and I would have done anything to save her from the thought of her child not believing the church is true. So, for a few years, I did. I went to BYU and did all the things expected of a young mormon girl. I wish I wouldn't have. I was so unhappy. It came crashing down all around me.

The funny thing? When everything came crashing down and I left the church, my mom was the one who was there for me. Your dad sounds like someone who loves you very dearly and -- mission or not -- will be proud of you for standing on your own 2 feet and making your own choice to follow what you truly believe.

That said, it will still be hard for him to hear (it was and is hard for my mom still) and at first, it might seem like disappointment, but I promise you, if you start down a path of finding what's right and true for you, you will be so grateful you didn't waste years of your youth (that you'll never get back) on something you didn't believe. And your Dad will most likely be right there with you.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/04/2013 12:07PM by saintdorothymantooth.

I served with a missionary who was only there to please his parents, he was not motivated and definately not successful...he finally conviced the MP to send him home after I tried desperately for four months to train him...sleeping past 9:00 in the morning, never studying, always on the phone, never went to bed on time...I think the MP was finally convinced he was not compatable with the life and would only creat problems in the future.

You are not doing good for anyone; yourself, your family, or TSCC if you are not totally committed and can do the job. (I once was)


You need to ask yourself questions; Why do I want to go, to please myself, TSCC, or someone else? If you do go, and are miserable, will you still be productive, or will you regret it in the future?

My son wanted to go on a mission all his life. When it came right down to the time to go, TSCC had shamed him so much that he joined the Marines instead. DW was hurt initially, but I understood and appreciated his strength telling us he wasn't going.

Not saying you should do something so drastic, but if your father and family really do love you they will understand your concerns and not force you to do something you don't really want. If not, you still have to live your life for yourself.

I saw this & just had to add it;

"Whever you go, go with all your heart."

Confucious

Your poor mother. typical... worship the dad, typical mormon problem. Jesus does say: "Honor thy Father... AND thy MOTHER!" Worshipping Christ and doing his works are far more important than either of your parents. All you are doing is trying to please daddy, who may Never be happy with what you do or don't do. Going on a mission just to make daddy happy with you sounds dumb, and you're not thinking about helping others. You are not responsible for your parents feelings OR their marriage. Your mom probably just wants some positive love and attention from your Dad, which may or may not happen. Your Dad sounds like the type who's always whining and complaining and then wonders why nothing seems to be going his way. Love your Dad AND your Mom , but heaven sake you're going to be miserable just like them if you don't start thinking and deciding for yourself!

Did you read the same post as I did? Holy shXt -- project much?

Thanks for being a judgmental @#$%^%, rather than fulfilling the purpose of this board, to help people recover. Seriously, people like you only reinforce the opinions that TBMs have of ex-mos.

Hmmm going trough the temple and promising to give everything the lord has blessed you with or might bless you with for the building up of the kingdom. Is a big commitment. On your mission to teach people things that you don't believe in. Get home and marry and LDS girl in the temple all that to make your parents happy. To me it sounds like 2 years that you could have spend doing things that YOU like rather than what your parents expect. 2 years making money instead of spending $400 a month. A friend of mine got married to an RM cute, nice good looking and smart. Well, after 2 years of marriage he told her that he didn't believe in god and that he was gay. They got divorced and now finally he is happy living with his boyfriend and she got re married and had many kids. Anyway long story short stay true to yourself there is never a perfect time to tell your parents that you disagree with their plan for you to go on a mission.

"This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man."

I can completely identify with you! I mostly "lost my testimony" just before I went on my mission. The reason I went on my mission, was because I was afraid of what people would think of me if I didn't go. I still wasn't sure about the church being true too so I thought if I did served a mission honorably and did everything in my power to be worthy, I would eventually gain a testimony. I thought God was simply testing me and that I needed to go through a "trial of faith." In addition, my convert parents are a couple of the kindest, caring people you'd ever meet and it made me sick to think of disappointing them by not going on a mission. To make things worse, they had high expectations of me as I was the oldest and the "golden child." My younger brothers were rebellious and had no intention of going on a mission. I was the mature one who always went to church, got my Eagle Scout, etc.

So I went on my mission. Not only did I NOT gain a testimony on a mission, it was one of the longest and most difficult things I have ever had to endure in my life. You might have this romantic and grandiose idea of what a mission might be like. You might think you'd be helping poor people out or "changing lives" blah, blah, blah but in reality its just a 7 days a morning until night door to door sales job. The MTC is a sales training center where they teach you how to strong arm people into committing to baptism (the sale), and get you pumped up so you are stoked about preaching the gospel (selling the product) as a missionary (being a salesmen).

To make matters worse, is that you don't really believe in what you are trying sell. Imagine how awful that would be??!! Going door to door trying to talk people into buying something that you aren't even sold on?

As I've had more time to reflect on it, the more I regret serving a mission. Not only was it grueling(most especially since I was questioning it all) but I lost TWO YEARS of my life. I could have graduated sooner as well as been far more ahead financially since those are basically two years of your life you lost be not working.

I suggest that you do some serious studying of the religion both pro and con (see http://www.mormonthink.com/) and then slowly ease your parents into the idea that you will not be Mormon any longer. Just the fact that you are on this website tells me that its only a matter not time not if you will find yourself out of Mormonism. Don't delay the inevitable and make it any harder than it should be.

If I were you I would tell your parents you are struggling with your beliefs and you need more time. Tell them you are praying and you have NOT received an answer to serve a mission yet. Make sure they know you are SINCERE and that you are doing EVERYTHING you can to gain a testimony. In my opinion this goes a long way in their eyes. It shows you are TRYING to do right and that you are just rebelling or being lazy. It will also soften the blow as you slowly come out to them about your beliefs. But above all be firm. Don't let people guilt or pressure you into do ANYTHING you don't want to do. I assume you are at least 18? That means you are an ADULT. YOU make your OWN DECISIONS. Just keep telling them over and over that you don't "FEEL" right about serving a mission yet. Mormons base their actions and beliefs on "feelings" and you can use it right back at them. NO ONE can speak for you. You are the ONLY one who can speak for your self. As long as you can say, "I don't feel right about serving a mission" and "God has not answered my prayer in this regard" there is nothing a Mormon can say to that.

I would DEFINITELY go to a non-church school. Move in with non-Mormons and surround yourself with non-Mormons. This will be your support system as you transition out as well as your connection to the REAL world (outside of the Mormon bubble). You will soon be able to let go of your attachments to Mormonism and realize how AWESOME it is living a NORMAL and AUTHENTIC life. You will be so glad you did.

Just keep being good to your parents and showing you are still a good person despite not following the Mormon path and I think this will go a long way with them. They'll eventually get over the idea of you serving a mission (and/or being Mormon).

You are between a rock and a hard place.

Your Dad is Stake Pres, did I read that right? That means he's got a lot invested in the church. It also means that he, and your family, have put a lot of pressure on you to conform to the church's plan for you.

I'm sure you Dad is a great guy. He means well and is doing the best that he can. But he has been raised in an environment that won't let him see what's actually best for you, only what the church thinks is best for you (which is really what's best for the church). My father is the same, worked almost every day of his life to support 5 kids that he was always too tired to be around. Fortunately, our mother is a wonderful person who we could tell loves our father, so I don't quite have the parental issues that you face.

I'm 40 years old and I've often had the chance to look back at my life and wonder what I would tell my teenaged self if I had the chance. What changes would I make, what would make a difference. I won't ever have that chance, so I give what advice I have to you.

Love your parents. I know that's hard sometimes, and it will get harder as you start to take a different path than they have planned for you. This is inevitable. You will have arguments, you will have disagreements, but always try to love them. They mean well, but they have been taught that the church knows better than you ever could, with eternal consequences slapped on top.

Unfortunately, the church is not true. It's teachings are damaging and are designed to keep it's members in control and paying them their 10%. This is not your parents fault, place blame where it truly belongs.

Do not serve a mission, under any circumstances. You will be encouraged to leave as soon as you are out of High school, if you do not go, people will question why and rumors may spread, you are after all a Stake President's son (I was a High Council member's son). It will not be easy. Make any excuse you can... "I need more time" "I'm not ready to leave home just yet" "I want to get some college under my belt so I can get a feel for what it's like being on my own" anything, do not go.

The MTC even for a believer is torture, strict hours, constant learning sessions, conformity, conformity, conformity. I say this as someone who attended while being the biggest believer you could ever have met, I had read the BOM several times, could quote scripture and already had a head start on learning the discussions. As someone with questions it would be a nightmare. You would be a square peg being hammered into a round hole, not just pushed, but hammered until you broke. This sounds harsh, but its true.

Being out in the mission field will be worse. You will not have enough money for food. You will live in the worse apartments, often in the worst neighborhoods, just good enough to be considered "safe" but sometimes very questionable. You will be cut off from your parents, family and friends except for e-mails, once a week, for two whole years. The reason the church does this is to make you reliant on them for everything, they setup the Mission pres and his wife as your new mother and father, but even more than that, mother and father with a heavenly glow of godly appointment. Your personal allegiance changes to that of the church, rather than personal connections with family and friends. When I got home, I couldn't wait to move out since I no longer had the same ties with my family as I did before I left... Think about that.

Your Dad and your Bishop are probably good people, I've never met them, but I'll trust your judgement. You may hurt them by not going, but you have to be true to yourself. You have to figure out, for yourself, what is good for you. If you had children, wouldn't you want them to experience life? Wouldn't you want the best for them? It might hurt you if they made different decisions than what you wanted for them, but you would still love them and would still want the best for them. Give your parents the same opportunity... It won't be easy, and I can't promise that everything will work out, but I hope that it will for you.

I'll tell you a story... Late one night before a temple trip, to so baptisms for the dead. I had some pretty serious doubts. I worried about my worthiness to go to the temple. These were not minor issues, I had real questions about my worthiness. It was very late and my mom happened to be up. Coincidentally, ironing her temple clothes. I asked her about my worthiness and spelled out exactly why I was worried. She told me not to worry, that everything was OK, that it was normal, to go back to bed and not think on it again. That was a pivotal moment for me. I had two choices; follow my mother's advice, or be true to myself. I love my mother and she meant well with her advice, but she was wrong. Somewhere deep inside I knew she was, but I followed her advice anyway. If I had been true to myself, if I had listened to my inner voice that said "something's not right here", my life would have been completely different. I would not have gone on a mission. I don't know the direction it would have taken, but it would have been mine. Instead, I did go on a mission, I was in the church for 15 years after that before I was able to get to a place where I could clear my head again and realize who I am. By then it was traumatic, not that doing so as a teenager wouldn't be, but it wouldn't be so soaked with regret.

I hope that this advice helps, I hope that you can find what courage you need to make these decisions. Really, I can't tell you what to decide, I know it sounds like I have and I really do hope that you don't go on a mission, but ultimately, that decision rests with you and what you can handle. Feel free to bring your questions here, you'll get all kinds of answers, some helpful, some not. There is a lot of good support here, not matter what you decide.

+1!

Bottom line-Never do anything just to "please" someone if it insults your own intelligence...



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 06/04/2013 05:06PM by orange.

I have never been in your position. I am over 50, and grew up in a part member home in Utah. I went on a mission because I WANTED to go, not because my parents wanted me to go. Actually they were "proud" of me going, but they would not have cared if I didn't. So you have an extra tough situation, with your Dad being a stake president. It's always hard to disappoint someone you love. But it is your life and going on a mission is very, very, hard. It is hard work and to be successful you have to believe in it. If you don't it will be two years from H*E*double toothpicks. Really, I'm telling you it will be wrong if you don't buy into it. And you don't. And that's OK, you're a good person even if you don't go. You can make a success of yourself by going to college and doing well and getting a good job and living a good life. Ultimately your Dad will be proud of you for that. But in the meantime it will be hard for him to see you not go. There is no way around it, you should bite the bullet and tell him or delay telling him with some excuses until you are ready to be on your own more. I know that sounds a bit disingenous but sometimes very strict Mormon parents can do cruel things to kids who don't believe. Good luck and God bless you! (or Zeus or Karma or whatever...)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/04/2013 05:11PM by elciz.

Your dad is the perfect example of how the church sucks the life out of you and takes fathers away from families. Your mom is exhausted and left with all of the responsibilities of raising the kids and taking care of the home. Dads should be able to be dads, not leading a church for free. Your dad will never get the recognition he deserves because the church doesn't function that way. Your mom will never get relief from the things she goes through. Regular churches have a paid clergy, and it's for this reason. The LDS church takes in billions of dollars and yet asks people to run the church for free, and it takes an incredible toll on a family.

Read and study at mormonthink.com and become secure in your knowledge about the truth behind the glossy picture the church paints. It would be lovely if it were true, but it's not. I was in shock myself just 10 months ago, but there you have it.

We are here for all of the support you need.

Your father sounds like a kind and loving man. Unfortunately he has been fooled by "The Church". In spite of what the 11th Article of Faith says, they don't grant any family member the right to choose their own life. The church and your father have your life pre-planned, and they made those plans without asking you.

If you don't choose to follow their plan then you will end up disappointing your father. The mission is just the first step. If you go on a mission but then return and choose to leave the church, your father will be disappointed. If you don't get married in the temple he will be disappointed. If you don't quickly start raising a bunch of kids then he will be disappointed. Etc., etc., etc.

There will never be a time when you can choose to live your own "church-free-life" without it being a major disappointment for your father (and almost certainlly your mother too).

Think about that. Are you going to live your own life or are you going to be a slave to the life that the church and your parents have pre-planned for you?

I was born into the church but at age 17 I went inactive. My parents had known for about three years that I was not church material. Since I was otherwise a responsible person they didn't give me a hard time about leaving the church. For many years afterward they tried to persuade me to return but that was not going to happen.

Some parents are not nearly so accepting and they give their child a major hard time if they choose to leave the church. Only you can evaluate how your parents will react.

My belief is that "this life" is the one and only life we will ever have and it would be a mistake to allow a church or your parents to hijack your life. In a worst case scenario your parents could throw you out of the house and then you would be on your own. A good alternative in that case is to enlist in the military. Get some specialized technical job training and after your service time is done, then go to college, paid for by your military benefits.

You are no longer a child and it is time for you to act like an adult. Make your own life choices. If your parents don't like it then it is their problem, not yours.

I spent 3 months as a believing missionary. The last month, when I decided that I did not believe, representing the Church felt like hell to me. It's not worth the pain to attempt to please your father. If he truly loves you like you say, he'll be PROUD when you make your OWN decision for yourself. When I got off the plane to return home, my parents welcomed me with open arms. They were GLAD to see me again, rather than DISAPPOINTED to see me.

It's been 3 months since I got off that plane, and I'm glad that I made that decision.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/04/2013 06:21PM by earlyrm.

You are one lucky person with wonderful parents to welcome you home early from your mission. My two brothers and I served full time missions, and I'm 100% positive if we had come home early due to unbelief, there wouldn't have been the welcome you received.

But it wasn't quite what I expected from my parents. My point is, maybe your parents could surprise you. I figure that if parents wouldn't be loving in that situation, they are pushing the child further from the church. It's the opposite of their goal.

It's like "heavenly" father. If you don't do what he says, he withdraws his love, and you can never see him again throughout all of eternity. No TRULY loving father would permanently shun his child. IMO, those types of parents are destructive to their own offspring and do not DESERVE to have that familial bond.

Your Dad is lying to you about the church.

Let that sink in.

Your Dad is a liar.

He is lying to you to keep you involved in a cult that will destroy your life.

All mormons are liars. It's what they are trained to do. Whenever you converse with a mormon you need to make it clear that you know they are liars and are not to be trusted.

I don't follow this idea about many parents. Many of them are fearful that their children will turn in to a three headed monster if they don't believe in god. In other words, parents sometimes will do irrational things just to make sure their kids "stay in the right path". Fortunately, many kids are getting a better education and they are learning that they do not have to swallow the irrational BS their parents/grandparents believed. It's refreshing to see kids challenging ideas and becoming true Americans and humans in general.

Any child simply needs to show their parents that they are also interested in their own future and they are not going to become on evil three headed monster eating baby seal pups for breakfast. Teens must realize they are still living at home and they just need to wait it out sometimes until they are able to live on their own without stressing their own lives too early. Meaning-plan your own future to get an education or trade to support yourself as soon as you are able.

It's absolutely wrong to make that assumption. What I went through was that I tricked myself into believing that the Church was true. I had doubts, but then the fear of life without the gospel pulled me back in line. And from then on, I legitimately believed!!! The thing is, the cult mentality makes you wonder, "what if I'm wrong, and the church is right, and is it worth finding that out?"

The only way you are a true liar (Oxymoron?) is to say the opposite of what you believe (i.e., go on a mission when you don't believe in the church).

My dad was a stake president when I decided not to go. He was also one of my favorite people on earth so I didn't want to disappoint him.
What it came down to for me was that I decided I didn't want to feel like a liar telling people to believe something I didn't believe.
I actually did what someone said before, I just told them I would keep praying and seeing if I got a testimony. I never did.
It worked out fine because it let them down more slowly and they couldn't force me to get a testimony.

Teen, I'm not Mormon, and I never had to confront not going on a mission, but I did have to tell my parents that I was going to pursue a different path than they had envisioned.

I told them I loved them and hated to disappoint them, but that I had to live my own life. If (when) I made mistakes, at least they would be my mistakes and I would learn from them. (And yes, I made some doozies, but it was my life, and I learned a lot.) They were unhappy and worried, but they got over it. We ended up developing a relationship of mutual respect.

I guess what I'm trying to say is if you don't take responsibility for your own decisions and life choices--and I think going on a mission qualifies as a life-defining choice as many posters have said--you may well be set on a road that will bring you (and maybe others) great pain.

Live your own life, not someone else's.

Given that it's not true, would he want to know now or 30 years from now? And keep in mind that the church is using the love you feel for each other as a weapon to keep you in the church. I'm 55 and every time I see my mom feeling like a failure because I left the church I want to beat the living hell out of the bastards who made up Mormonism.