I'm only in my 30s and have several friends still in their 20s, but I guess according to some posters on here I'm a candidate for AARP membership because I want to be invited to events like weddings because I mean something to a person or his or her family--not because I'm a source of loot. Obviously, because I care about friends and relatives who invite me to weddings, showers, etc. I will buy them a gift and try to make it as thoughtful and as a nice as I can afford. I don't want to feel instructed to do it, though.

(Funny, but it's not exactly difficult in the online age to do a quick search of registries at Macy's, Target, wherever to find out where people have registered. If you still can't find a registry, how hard is it to send a Facebook message to the bride or groom's maid of honor, close relative, etc. to ask?)

Anyone who can't understand why it is tacky to include a list of where a couple is registered in the wedding invitation or announcement (let alone actually printed on it), whether it is sent via email or snail mail, probably also thinks that if they have kids, each baby "deserves its own shower." (That's another one I see a lot...getting everything you need and then some for the first baby isn't enough for a lot of parents nowadays, apparently--friends and family are expected to finance each new kid with another baby shower.)

My older relatives wonder why they never receive thank-you notes (not even emailed ones) for wedding, baby, or other gifts anymore. They feel bad for complaining about it, like there is something wrong with them, but they choose thoughtful, often very expensive gifts and in many cases don't even receive the basic courtesy of knowing whether the gift was received. I hear this all the time within 3 or 4 months after a wedding. "Um, I hate to ask, but by any chance did you ever receive a thank-you note from Cousin X? I'm just asking because I left that $500 set of All-Clad at the reception and am hoping it wasn't stolen.... Could you please try to find out without embarrassing her?", etc.

I think it's all part of a larger phenomenon: Events in one's life like weddings or having a first baby are no longer about the joy of sharing such wonderful occasions with loved ones...they are gift grabs. Or, to be fair, that may not be the intention, but they often APPEAR that way.

By the way, I know one couple (both NeverMos, very well-off and well-educated--one a Stanford grad) who got married a few years ago and had their bank's sort code printed on the invitation with instructions to guests that they could send money. True story! (No, I did not attend.)

I mean, NOTHING about them resembles anything that would be considered a traditional wedding, so nothing surprises me when it comes to that. We were just taught that ridiculous, rude, weird social standards are the norm. They are not. When you get on the other side of it and look back you just want to gag at some of the things you thought were ok, that just really aren't.

I mean, you get some weird computer-produced announcement that essentially says, "you can't come to my wedding, but if you'll go to Target and get me exactly what I want, you can come to my reception and I'll give you some cake and punch and I hope you accept that as your thanks." For one thing, they are expected to invite the whole ward and mailing that many announcements can get expensive, let alone mailing "save the date" cards or thank-you cards or paying for nice invitations. Most young Mormon kids honestly can't afford the stamps. Their student loans and Medicare, or whatever they're living off only goes so far. Do their parents even think to buy them thank-you cards and stamps as part of the wedding expenses? No.

And even the ones who do register, for household things they actually NEED, get very little of that stuff. When my neice got married about a decade ago, I was so glad I knew she was registered at Dillards. That way I could get something she wanted. I went there a few days before the wedding and there was only one thing checked off the registry. One. I figured something went wrong and they hadn't been updating it. So I was worried that what I got might be a duplicate, but just had to figure they'd exchange it if they needed to. They opened their wedding presents, I think it was the next day, with family present. There was a reason there was nothing checked off the registry. They got crap. I mean literal crap. They got about 10 different framed or decopauged family proclamation thingies, picnic supplies, and all kinds of stuff like that (this was in Idaho). Yes, they did get a few nice gifts. But since most of the people who came to the reception knew each other, why, if you can't afford much, wouldn't a few people go together on something and get something they want and need off their registry? I did get a thank-you card which shocked me. I hadn't received one for a Mormon "wedding" in years.

Every non-mormon wedding I've been invited to since I moved to the Southeast, I've received a "save the date" card, Invitations (not "announcements") because I was actually invited to the wedding, maybe an insert card about where they are registered, and always a thank-you card. The weddings don't have 500 people at them. They usually have a printed program and even printed menus for the reception. Even some small, less costly weddings have been elegant and feel like a wedding, not a circus. And if I'm not invited to a wedding and get a wedding "announcement," it is actually that--an announcement. Usually it includes a picture from the wedding and their new address, but never a card saying where they're registered. I inquired of some people who know what's proper and they said you're not expected to send a present when you get an announcement, but if you know them or their parents well and want to, you can. She said that's when most people send a wedding congratulations card and maybe a token gift card. I'm almost 60 years old and didn't even know the proper protocol. Sad.

Many years ago as a nevermo BYU student from the East I married my TBM fiance much the chagrin to my nevermo parents (they didn't like the pressure that was put on me to convert at BYU and began to understand...more than my young mind did at the time, what a cult Mormonism was.) I insisted onbeing married back East but allowed the local Mormon bishop to marry us at the ward house. My reception was held at my Mom and Dad's home ...put together at the last minute unlike any wedding I had ever been to but it was far more wonderful that a typical UT Mormon wedding.

TBM MIL insisted on putting on a show in their small UT time and paying for an "open house". I was in shock at just about everything it involved including dressing up a bunch of my DH's younger sisters in dresses as bridesmaids (they never even came to my wedding). I am embarrassed that I participated in the whole thing. What was even more shocking was the huge pile of basically CRAP yes...CRAP that was given to us as wedding gifts. Although much fewer in number, gifts from NY friends and family had been tasteful gifts and mostly gifts of money. As I stared at the huge pile of wrapped presents sitting in our living room after the UT open house I was impressed; then I began opening them. Lots of CRAP that people had made themselves....mainly ugly plaster signs with sayings and such that had been poorly painted in garish colors. One couple gave us two toothbrushes and many gave us things that had been clearly re-gifted. One SIL and BIL gave us a set of knives that were half-way decent. The only good thing about it was that we had registered for a washer and dryer and some china that I loved. People put in 1, 2 or 5 dollars each and there were so many people (TBM FIL is a businessman in the community) that we actually managed to get the washer and dryer and a fairly decent-sized china service.

The said thing is that I had to throw out most of what we were given...seriously the stuff was that crappy. There was no way I was going to use any of it and no way to unload it.

It was the oddest experience of my life.

As I have tried to say before. It's an e-world now, and a lot of you are stuck in the 70's.

Unfortunately the days of paper invitations have moved aside for e-mail and texting.

The days of hoping that you get the things you need for your life together as wedding gifts, has moved aside of people including where they are registered so they can get what they need or want, so no gift is ever returned. Last time I checked, that was a good thing.

Most of you are right. In the 1960's and 70's, not sending thank you cards, and listing where you are registered to get wedding gifts on your invitations would be tacky and considered rude.

But this isn't the 60's or 70's anymore, it's 2013.

I would consider it rude if a couple returned my wedding gift to the store, that is in essence saying they can't use it, or they don't want it. So I personally have no problem with an engaged couple listing where they are registered for wedding gifts on their invitations. Cause I know that if I buy something they don't like or can't use they can exchange it right there in the store for something they DO WANT or can use, there is no hassle and no feelings hurt.

Not everyone can AFFORD to have invitations printed or sent out. Hell some people can't even afford to go to the 99 cent store and buy cheap invitations, which would be considered tacky for a wedding based on what I have heard most of you say. So e-mail invitations have become ACCEPTABLE. It's not the norm, but it is acceptable, even Dear Abby says so.

EVERY wedding is different, every couple is different, and are in different circimstances. Weddings are not something you go into a store and buy in a box.

Keep one thing in mind, a wedding is not about you, what you would consider rude or tacky, or how tacky it is to list their registery on their invitations (That's standard for 2013 to list where you are registered to be brutally honest), or complain that you didn't get a thank you card. The day belongs to the couple getting married, remember that, and don't let something like not getting a thank you card for a gift completely destroy how you think about the couple or say "I'm not getting them anything else because I didn't get a thank you card", or "It's tacky that they had the nerve to list where they are registered on their invitation!".

@rracer, I agree with you that emailed invitations are fine. Yes, it is a digital communication age. Nor do I think not having much money to spend on a wedding (whether on printed invitations, or on anything else) makes it a tacky event. In fact, I have attended extremely costly, formal weddings which were tacky because they were so over-the-top and elaborate. By contrast, one of the nicest and most memorable weddings I ever attended took place in a local park, where the reception was held in the picnic area, and all of the wonderful Mexican food had been cooked by the bride's mom and aunts.

In other words, I don't think tacky is defined by how much money a couple has (or doesn't have) to spend on their wedding. A gift grab is tacky, though, under any circumstances.

Also--and I honestly am not trying to start an online argument here!--I don't understand your comment that if a couple were to return a wedding gift you'd bought them, that would be rude. Why would it be rude? You also say that the wedding is supposed to be all about the couple. If it is, then why can't they return a gift if they've changed their mind or would prefer something else?

I'm sorry, but this whole "It's all about the couple thing" is so wrong. My wedding was NOT all about me or about me and my husband. Yes, it was our wedding, but we invited family and friends whom we wanted to be there and who were important to us and to our families. Obviously, we knew they would buy us wedding gifts (and yes, we registered, including at Target!), but we did not invite anyone thinking about what gifts they might be getting us. There is a reason weddings include guests, and it is because in every culture on the planet others are expected to join in celebrating the public declaration of a couple's union--which is one reason I am so happy for my gay and lesbian friends who can now do this again legally in CA.

If a bride or groom cannot even be bothered to write a short, sincere note of thanks (electronically or otherwise) to acknowledge her or his gifts, that says a lot to me about how much the guests mean to them. That is to say--not much.

If it's entirely about the couple, there is no need for a guest at all other than one or two witnesses for legal reasons. (My best friend recently got married in exactly that way in Vegas--just her, her fiancé, and her teenage daughter. No shower, no reception, no guests, no gifts...and they are very happy.)

You're right, it's not worth the arguement.

Not just tacky but RUDE!

I don't care what year it is!

Is it tacky to put registry information on the actual invitation? Yes, as much as I like having registry information provided, that is a little tacky. It is also cheaper.

Is a little card with registry information tacky? I just don't think it is. As a guest, I'm expected by the rules of etiquette to bring a gift and having the registry information makes that easier. Some have suggested calling the brides mother. If I'm on the grooms side, how am I supposed to do that. You don't just pull out the white pages and get a cell phone number. Besides, that would be a pain in the neck to most mothers of the bride who work all day and then try to finish up the wedding plans at night. If the bride is older, she may be living independantly and her mother may not know what she wants or needs. I say go with the little card.

Thank you notes. I'm old school on this one. I bought you a gift. I know that you're busy, but you need to acknowledge that you received the gift and say something nice about it. Two sentences will do the trick. I'm going to be super impressed if the groom helps with this task. You have a year to get the job done, so just do it.

The tackiest thing about weddings in Utah isn't the invitations, or the finger sandwiches and eclair receptions, it's the young age of the couple. This culture needs to let people have time to grow up, get an education, live on their own and then get married and have a family. It isn't necesary to get married young so that you can have six kids before your thirtieth birthday.

I'm old school and I didn't let my daughter include any gift registry information with her invitations. She did include a separate card with the link to their page on theknot.com. Their page included stories of how they met, how he popped the question, honeymoon plans, and their engagement pictures.

Her page did include information about where they were registered.

It seemed a reasonable compromise for modern times.

She wrote out very nice thank-you notes for the presents she received (even the obviously re-gifted and supremely tacky ones) and had them mailed out within a week of returning from their honeymoon. I got lots of compliments from my friends and family on how gracious she was (many said it was the first thank-you they had EVER received from a Mormon couple - but of course she has a never Mormon mother).



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 07/03/2013 01:11PM by caedmon.

While we're on the subject of questionable wedding behavior.....

My younger daughter recently helped out with the wedding of a Mormon friend. She wasn't actually a bridesmaid (and happy not to have the ugly dress), but set up and tear down for the cultural hall reception, helped with food, etc.

Towards the end of the reception, the bride's mother insisted that everyone gather around while the bride and groom opened their presents. This took another hour+ after an already long, long day for the couple who were probably looking forward to some privacy (sex)!

Was this an aberration or have you seen this?

Oh, and my personal pet peeve! Tacking wedding announcements (for themselves or their children) up on work bulletin boards.

I never know if I am actually invited, expected to give gift or contribute to a group gift (I am getting old age crankiness and now opt for none of the above).



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/03/2013 01:10PM by caedmon.

Opening presents at the reception screams birthday party.

It is also a logistical NIGHTMARE - repacking all those boxes and transporting them once the reception is over. I always send the gift to the bride's address before the wedding.

You have a whole freaking year to do it within the classic etiquette boundary. If I found time to make handmade thank-you notes while working two full-time jobs after my wedding, anyone can find the time to pick up a few packs of cards to send out.

If anyone is interested, I think it's the sixth question down:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/discussion/2010/03/11/DI2010031103184.html

For those of you who haven't done a wedding lately.

Invites, insert cards, and thank you notes that were very simple came to $400 for my sons wedding. Plus stamps for 100 invite and RSVP.

The food was $80 a plate. Then you also have clean up and serving charges. Corking charge for each bottle of wine.

Two bottles of wine, and a bottle of champagne at 10 tables $400.

Then there's flowers, cake, the venue rental, the dress, shoes, hair, nails. tux's, the minister, the DJ the photographer. If they're lucky they get to go on a honeymoon.

When all was said and done, it came to $8000. That's considered a conservative wedding these days.

I can see why some people would be tempted to e-mail their invites. Gift registries are great. Most likely the bride and groom both work. They don't have time to run all over town trying to exchange things they don't want or need. Nobody has to guess what to buy, or what colors to get. It's really a great thing for people who are from out of town. You can't fly with a wrapped gift. Anything that's bulky would be a pain. The internet just simplifies it all.

Last summer, my nephew (inactive for several years) got married. I received a formal invitation in the mail and received a separate announcement (also mailed) that expressed the couple’s preference for charitable donations in lieu of gifts. Each of them had a suggested charity (the bride’s choice was a gay/lesbian advocacy organization). I made donations to both charities (online). Within two or three weeks after they returned from their honeymoon, I received two separate, hand-written, thoughtful thank-you notes. I felt good about the donations I had made, and I felt great for the new couple.

Personally, I don't mind e-mail or facebook invitations, although not everyone reads their e-mails or is on facebook so that may be a problem getting the invite out to everyone you want to invite. I even love knowing where the couple is registered so that I don't have to wonder what they want or need. In these economic times I don't want to waste money on something that wouldn't be appreciated. The thing that irks me is not getting a thank-you. Even an e-mail or facebook thank-you would be better than nothing. That way I know they got the gift and appreciated it. I had one reception that I went to for my nephew and they had empty envelopes at a table that you could self-address so they didn't have to find your address to send a thank-you note. I thought that was a great idea so dutifully filled in my address. I still have yet to get a thank-you. Being gracious and grateful should never go out of style even in our technology age.

nomo_angelchaps Wrote:
Being gracious and grateful should never go out of style even in our technology age.


That sums it up perfectly!

A dear friends daughter just graduated from college and got engaged.

They had an open house on Saturday to celebrate the events.

On Tuesday, we received a hand written thank you note for our presence at the party and an appreciation for the gift.

This has to be a record for great manners and etiquette.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 07/03/2013 11:26PM by backphil.