As a young TBM, I used to think to myself about what things I would need to repent from to get to the CK. How I had certain personal weaknesses and failures. I made a plan to overcome them so that by the end of my life I could be good enough to get into the CK. In my mind, the three-in-three-level heaven was like the ABCDF grading system on a bell curve. The number of students getting an A+ (as opposed to A, A-, B+,...) was a very small minority. Therefore, I had to be that much better than the average person. I counted my sins like I did my homework and test scores, wondering if I was doing enough to make the grade.

I realized just recently, that although it took a few years, I no longer worry about being perfect at all. I make mistakes and actually think some of them are pretty damned cool. They are great stories, they make me unique and I'm proud of them in a way. They define me to some degree.

but if something in my life wasn't going right, I'd reevaluate what I was doing and what MIGHT BE causing the problems I was having.

Like--I didn't get married until I was 27. For years, I'd be looking for what I wasn't doing right and then try to change so I would be worthy of a husband. When that wouldn't work, I'd look for the next thing. It just got INSANE after I found out my boyfriend was gay. Constant checking and rechecking what I wasn't doing to be perfect so he could be changed.

I had a therapist ask me when my twins were about 18 months old--"who told you you had to feel so guilty about everything"--things such as even keeping a perfectly clean house, etc. I still feel guilty for some things--but not the "mormon" things.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/04/2013 04:38PM by cl2.