I think the book that has been mentioned in previous posts is just another indication of the drizzly-shit-trickle-down that comes from a “doctrine” of “Be Ye Therefore Perfect”. But time for some fun…
…what “Not Even Once Club” are you already a part of? Let’s see if mormon church hierarchy can be in…

“Not Even Once” have I:
Claimed to see god and/or Jesus and/or angels
Convinced a 14-year-old girl to fuck, er, marry me
Duped investors into giving me money
Shot a pistol at a human being
Ordered the death/mutilation of people who went against my beliefs
Ordered the destruction of a newspaper’s printing press
Been part of an illegal marriage
Asked a teenager if they masturbate
Written material designed solely to foster guilt in people
Baptized a living person…a few ghosts, though

Clubs I can’t be in:
I lied for the mormon church as a missionary and I did dig for treasure when I was 5—I thought pirates could have made it as far as Salt Lake.

Not even once have I:
Shared my husband with multiple wives.

Not even once have I:

Entered into polygamy
Made someone sleep with me by threatening them with an angel wielding a sword
Knew someone I felt should die temporally to be saved eternally (i.e. blood atonement)
Believed mixed race couples were damned
Believed Adam was God
Convinced people to march across America on foot with no concern whether they lived or died.
Frequented whores in Nauvoo

Man, they would never have called me to be prophet in the olden days.

Not even once...

...have I been excluded from attending a family member or friend's wedding.

(My family and most of my friends are all never-Mos, bar two cousins who recently converted to Mormonism but are still single.)

I made a comment titled "sad" in the amazon reviews, please let me know what you think.

Not even once have I told my daughters or any other girl that she was dressed immodestly.

Not once have I:


Made a bomb

Helped a priesthood holder dress up like an "Indian" so he could murder travelers moving through southern Utah

Shunned anyone for their religious beliefs

Preached against the evils of a glass of iced tea

Named one of my kids Bryce

Not even once have I...

Shared a husband with sister wives

Wished that gays and lesbians would simply die, even if they were family members.

Told anyone they were dressed immodestly because shoulders and kneecaps were showing.

Done temple work for dead ancestors.

Judged anyone for drinking coffee or iced tea.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/06/2013 10:32PM by adoylelb.

"Dined at the 'Y'"

LOL

It was actually quite distressing. I thought I was broken in some way.

Enjoyed the ability to express myself sexually or have an adult conversation with my wife w/o being needlessly shamed for it.

I've never done meth, will this count?????

Never told my son that his interests were "of the Devil."

I've was never involved in a conspiracy, nor was I ever a suspect, in an attempt to assassinate the Governor of Missouri, or any other elected official while I am thinking about it.

I have never been involved in counter-fitting, or bank fraud. I have never used boxes with fake bottoms, that had a thin layer of silver coins, over a big block of wood, in order to make someone think my financial institution had several times as much money as it actually did.

I have never slept with a teenage girl, nor have I ever tried to sleep with once it became age inappropriate to do so.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 09/07/2013 07:58AM by forbiddencokedrinker.

I have never written a whole book of ridiculous lies and passed it off as being from God.

Blood atonement.

I've never asked my bishop to slit my throat so I could atone for my sins.
I've never gladly put a javelin through someone's heart for committing adultery.
I've never seen people on the moon dressed like Quakers.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/07/2013 05:08PM by hangar18.

Claimed to see god and/or Jesus and/or angels- I once smoked a joint that was laced with PCP and saw all three


Convinced a 14-year-old girl to fuck, er, marry me- When I was 15 I had repetitive relations with a 14 year old. She was more experienced than me and we did not marry.


Duped investors into giving me money- NO..But I did ask my older cousins what the word meant....

Shot a pistol at a human being- Does a BB pistol count? My Dad beat my ass and took away my gun.... I was also in the Marine corps for 5 years...Does a rifle count?

Ordered the death/mutilation of people who went against my beliefs-NO

Ordered the destruction of a newspaper’s printing press-NO

Been part of an illegal marriage- When I was 7 my sister preside over the marriage of me to my girl friend Mary. Also.. I presided over the marriage of two of my dogs so their puppies would not be bastards..

Asked a teenager if they masturbate-No

Written material designed solely to foster guilt in people- No!

Baptized a living person…a few ghosts, though- Yes, both living and dead...

Not Ever Once:

Have I asked another human being (let alone a child) if they masturbate or not.

Have I told my children that although I deeply know and love them, they cannot come into my home for Christmas or Thanksgiving, or EVER come home - until they have learned some secret passwords and handshakes.

Have I told my children that they may never - EVER - make a single mistake and commit them to it in writing, beginning NOW.

Have I pretended to speak to God directly and thus have passed on perfect instructions and information to the world.

Have I asked another married couple about "proper" or "unnatural" acts in their sex lives. Or how much money they make yearly. Or how and when they wear their underwear. Or if they somehow magically "know" that Joseph Smith saw God in some trees.

Not Ever Once have I rooted for BYU to win a game.

Go Broncos.

Never worn Jesus Jammies or been to ta temple "wedding."

Not Ever Once have I said little people wearing Quaker hats live on the moon.

Never Ever Once have I claimed people live on the sun.

Never Ever Once have I run for miles in the woods with metal plates that would have weighed over 100 lbs if they were made of a certain fine and precious metal, but unabashedly told everyone far and wide that they were made of gold.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 09/07/2013 07:28PM by sstone.

Never finished reading 'The Book of Mormon'--honestly, I kept falling asleep because it was so damn tedious, plus the bloodshed and the stupidity of being told by God to leave Jerusalem and then having to go back--twice!

P.S. I also never talked about my fake World War Two and baseball exploits or ran through the forest with 200 pounds of gold plates under my arm.

Cocaine. Not even once.

- prophesied about Zelph or any white Lamanites
- uttered Masonic language about the widow's son while under duress
- lock an innocent 19-year-old in a room with my partner in crime and threaten her and her family if she didn't have an affair with me
- pretend an ancient common funeral text was about god, and planets and stars, and sh..
- tell someone I could find buried treasure for them if they would pay me (and then tell them it was slippery and kept moving around)

Hey wait a minute!! I am real!!

Not even once have I tried to light my own farts....

...oh, wait, done that. Got banned from that pub.

....thought that Marie Osmond was attractive.....

..... thought about buying any album or song made by the osmonds.....



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/09/2013 10:50AM by lucky.

I also dug for buried treasure when I was 5. I feel so dirty for it.

-Read the BofM, any other LDS Church books or the Bible
-Wanted to go on a mission
-Wanted to date or marry a Mormon girl
-Wanted to go to the temple after my one dead dunking experience
-Wanted to pay a cent to the church
-Wanted to have my children learn anything about the LDS church
-Wanted to deny myself a coffee or a beer because of some BS guilt
-Felt guilty about not going to church
-Wanted to own a Ford...sorry...my bad...couldn't resist! LOL

Ron Burr