Greetings!

I'm just feeling absolutely lost sometimes.

There are moments where I wish I could go back...but how do you go back when you know so much?

I recently felt so embarrassed. I became quite sick with a nasty cold/flu and during the moment of greatest sickness I asked for prayer. It helped to know others were praying...but at the same time...when I am not feeling distress I have very little 'faith' in those things, yet when pressed with a gun to my head I seem to revert to more childlike things.

I lost my faith and with it everything came crashing down and I've fallen into the Agnostic category kicking and screaming.

I remember when I was going to church people would caution me to avoid anti-mormon things. Ironically enough these days I seem to be just fine when not thinking about church. Problem is that when distressing times hit me it seems to come front and center and then the cognitive dissonance hits me big time.

I've never been an alcoholic but I almost feel like a church alcoholic...the moment I start 'reading the scriptures' or watching Mormon messages or apologetics or whatever I was trying to do to hammer the square into the circle peg, life becomes suddenly unbearable.

Yet I also feel I need to replace these old tapes in my head somehow...because when my life ever has a dramatic low...the pull to go back to church returns.

Does this make any sense?

I welcome any and all feedback...it is absolutely exasperating at times...especially when I feel like I'm starting to get my life together and suddenly BOOM!

I think it gets better at the same rate that you put new non-Mormon things into your life. I'm not talking about coffee or drinks or sleeveless blouses. I'm talking about new friends with ideas of the world, books that take you places a Mormon would never go, new interests that are just your own peculiar little interests that have nothing to do with what might be acceptable or popular with Mormons . . .or anyone else.

We are all so comfortable with what we know--the familiar always soothe. But exploration brings growth and excitement that clinging to the status quo never will.

What you are feeling is absolutely normal and what many felt. The important thing is that I would say by your post you are seeing the situation clearly and that is the best medicine for healing.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/20/2014 10:56AM by blueorchid.

This is a great response. After years of embracing non-Mormon culture, being around Mormons kind of gives you the willies. You feel how strange Mormon culture really is and how shallow the people are.

Here's what worked for me during times of stress. I'd feel pressured, dark or scared and mormon prayers would run through my mind. Then I'd remind myself that I was stronger and braver than the Mormons who had trained me to use prayer as a crutch.

I'd try a new thought pattern to replace the old Mormon tape, something like "I'm strong. I can get through this. These things usually turn out better than I think they will."

I'd concentrate on the new thought and take deep breaths while relaxing whatever muscles were tensed.

After a few months, I didn't have those Mormon reactions in these situations.

Sounds like you've been relying on the "arm of the flesh", which is good because the the more you use that arm, the stronger it gets.

If you don't use it, you lose it.


:)


Hopefully, OP will learn this and stay strong!

I was devastated when my whole belief system came crashing down.

That being said, there is no way to go back and most importantly it was built on lies and fraud, that's no way to live.

The only way is forward, building a healthy life and healthy relationships based on the truth and facts.

It's an opportunity, don't look back, it's done over

Best to you.

And it hurts, because a lot of emotional ties were ripped away. And if your family distances themselves, it will probably get worse. Sorry to be the bearer of possibly worse news.

Just as they say when a love one dies, "Life goes on." And so will you. Kubla-Ross's 5 stages of grief may provide some understanding. Remember that they are not absolute destiny, that people go through only some of them, and not necessarily in the order she delineated. It's all very individual.

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

There's lots on the internet about this.

Quite a few posters here end up in atheism, and I take exception to that. No offence, folks, but that strikes me as being stuck in "anger," even as I acknowledge you have your academic reasons.

I myself left my cult (Christian Science) and, after a decade of religious drifting (atheism, Eastern spirituality, agnosticism, liberal Protestantism, 12-Step recovery, others) wound up a born-again Baptist. I contend that to reject Mormonism is not rejecting Christianity, but opening up to the real thing--the Christ of the Bible, not JS's fake construction.

An analogy: If you were swindled by an investment scam, does that mean saving, investing, and planning for your financial future is a bogus enterprise? No. You were the victim of a crime, and suffered loss--but this happens to a lot of people, bad as it is. Think of Mormonism as spiritual bankruptcy: you acknowledge the loss (ouch!), write it all off (more ouch!), but then start setting your spiritual accounts in order, and start re-building your assets.

A suggestion: Read the Gospels in a MODERN translation. You'll see and understand things like never before. Start with Luke; I recommend the English Standard Version ("ESV").

Use your mind to sort things out. You're coming out of cognitive dissonance. Eventually, your loyalties and feelings will heal, and align with what your intellect knows to be true.

It gets better. Give it time. It's a huge emotional thing to go through and it could take months or even years to work through. I've been out since jan and I feel like I'm mostly recovered. There will be dark days and good days, and one day the good days will far outnumber the bad days. Then one day you'll realize you feel normal and your mormon past is far behind you.

I don't think atheism is a reaction out of anger at all. Rejecting Mormonism, for me, meant taking a long hard look at religion, and not just Christianity. For me that no longer included a belief in Christ as mankind's savior.

I lean towards agnostic atheist, but everyone has to find their own way and their own beliefs.

It is sort of like learning that Santa or the easter bunny isn't real - once you figure it out, there is no "going back".

Give it time. I have been out for a few years and things are so much better.

Yes. It does get better. Initially it's like being in a storm in the middle of the ocean with no land in sight!

My experience as a convert and immersed member for over 30 years was, in my analysis an involved process. Took time. This is part of how I worked my process.

I put this together several years ago, after I had looked back and analyzed my process as I wrote about it all the way.

I began leaving in the late 90s, resigned in 2002. It was slow, with a lot of trail and error

I also post on how I made it work with a long marriage to a believing member.
http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1381961


It is, ultimately, in my personal experience, about making peace with all of my life.

http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1382522

Yes it is a process, and it does get better with time.

in your path and your right to make different choices than have been previously out lined for you (let's face it, Mormons have your life pretty much mapped out for you, so you don't have to think, the thinking has been done, from cradle to grave)

and NOW

You have choices to make, which is the problem with Mormonism keeping you as little children, you really haven't had this much freedom and now have no idea what to do with it.

Lost and alone you feel.
Not to worry, this too shall pass.

You have just suffered a traumatic injury to phych and your Mormon support system can't be trusted or relied upon.

This is why Mormonism is bad, people become dependent on it and don't learn how to run their own lives.

You will over come this crippling religious training. Don't worry at least now you know what the problem is and you can become independent of the need for the Church to run your life and the need for their approval.

Thank You all for the kind and obviously experienced responses.

I wonder if this is what it feels like to be in an abusive relationship but literally not sure how to get out of it.

There has actually been times where I've attended church and tried and stick the genie back in the bottle but it never lasts long.

Its such a struggle...this has cost me my marriage and I'm going through that divorce now (almost out) and I have hardly any support system in place.

What a devastating loss...good grief.

One of the things that I seem to really relate to is the concept mentioned of Having to Make Choices when in Mormonism the decisions are made for you.

That is EXACTLY how I feel.

I'm having trouble making decisions...because the 'authority' I always felt confident in behind them is no longer there...when in reality it was just me anyway being externally validated by someone else isn't it?

What a mind screw...

I can't believe I have been so well trained....ugh.

happened to me too and it really was a bad time.
I was so messed up.

Now my life is so much better, I have a life built on reality instead of a religious fantasy/fallacy, the people in my life are real, not religious phonies who's only interest in me is that "I believe what they believe" and I'm not walking around parroting cult propaganda. AMEN!

Most of all I am free to grow and learn, I don't regret my past, although the education was expensive.

It does get better and it's so worth it.
No longer living in the matrix.

Jorsen, you just answered your own question. You need to work on validating your self, instead of looking to others who claim they have all the answers. Mormons claim the right to tell you what to do, what to think, what to value. This self-discovery phase of recovery can actually be fun and exciting! Go ahead and make a decision. The only bad decision is no decision, right? I deliberately made mistakes, did things backwards and tried different behaviors (not self-destructive), just to break out of the mold. It goes much deeper than the stupid WOW, or how we dress.

I knew I was having a traumatic time discovering that my whole philosophy of life was off track, and each new Mormon lie made me more and more upset. It was then that I decided that I would keep my beliefs in God and Christ--no matter what. When I was finished with JS and BY and their polygamous cult, maybe then I could rationally re-think Christianity. I'm glad I did that, because, as a Lutheran, I still believe in the teachings of Christ. I still have my same personal relationship with a loving God.

The Mormons don't own God. Remember that. You can still pray! Call him God, not Heavn'ly Father. Prayer will still soothe you, and will still help you when you are sick and upset.

I'm so sorry about your divorce.

Sometimes it is healthy to get very angry at being lied to, used, robbed, and manipulated, during your time in the cult. Anger was my biggest issue, and just as I was calm again, the cult would do something else horrible, or I'd find out about yet another lie. It might not end for you until you know ALL of the lies.

Not only does it get better--it gets wonderful! When you know you can count on yourself, when you understand that you have rights, when you appreciate yourself as an individual, when you love yourself unconditionally, then you really start to have fun! Weekends are especially nice. Go to another church for an hour, or go out in nature and pray, then enjoy the rest of your Sundays in freedom!

Don't let the setbacks worry you. It is natural. Go ahead and go back to church, if you need to. No one has a right to keep you our of church--most countries have freedom of religion. I hated church, and when I had to go back to a missionary farewell, I would have PTSD flashbacks. Mormonism was a very bad experience for me, in my abusive temple marriage. The Mormons also physically abused my children, if they missed a meeting or activity. Our ward was way over the top. You would be doing your children a favor by encouraging them to leave. Be brave, and show them the way!

I hope you're feeling better soon. Have you tried NyQuil?

to comfort or distract you when you're having a rough time:

-Music that uplifts, relaxes, or energizes you
-breathing exercises
-a cup of hot tea (herbals if the caffeine bothers you. BTW, after I left the church, I overdid on the caffeine and I think at one point it gave me anxiety attacks).
-comfort food or treats
-I would recommend against using alcohol to help you cope.
-Find a support network. I don't know where you live, but there are exmormon groups all over the country, and these are people who understand.
-exercise gets endorphines going
-some people use positive affirmations, for example: "You are going to be fine" "this is part of the process", or whatever works for you.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/20/2014 04:09PM by imaworkinonit.

It's definitely a process but most exmos are pissed off versus miss being lied to. I can understand you feeling lost as you are attempting to completely change a lot about who you thought you were. Eventually, you will feel freedom from the bondage of Mormonism and you can find real friends versus church friends.

From my spiritualist point of view I have a much better handle now on my 60 years of being brain washed and deceived. Through meditation and trying to connect with the universe I now have a more 'live and let live' philosophy. That does not mean I will not try to tell others the truth but I accept many brain washed people are making decisions to stay brain washed and I can still love and serve them regardless of my or their beliefs.

If you believe we are eternal beings with the primary objective of gaining experiences/tests and learning how to love and serve one another, exmormons are to be commended after being brain washed (some more effectively than others) then being able to find out the truth about Mormonism and having the integrity to leave it. In an eternal perspective, Mormonism and our brain washing were not worthless experiences ----- we gained experiences and now understand and maybe more capable/understanding and loving, in a special way, brain washed Mormons and really the 90+% of all other people who are brain washed by some other false beliefs they grew up with.

Now if you believe that we are not eternal beings ------ you understandably should be pissed and it will be much more difficult to find peace with your past Mormonism/Scamming ---- you are among the people church leaders should fear. Fortunately, you will eventually find out you are eternal and feel great that you (a few among many) were able to find out and act on the truth about Mormonism. Congratulations to all who fit this category!!!!

I only recently left myself (only 3 months back?) it was actually really nice to read your post because I feel exactly like that myself. Your description of kicking and screaming going into being agnostic is exactly how I felt. I used to be so heavily molly mormon and then after a devastating emotional abusive mission in none other than Salt Lake City, I was distancing myself from church because all it did was bring pain. I planned on taking a year break before I suddenly found out one night the entire thing wasn't even true. I was done in two nights and having relied so heavily on "Heavenly Father" and already having lost so much from the abuse, it was too much. My best advice is don't worry about it. Go at your pace. If it makes you feel better to half pray, or read a scripture here or there, or walk around a church building, anything, just go at your own pace.

I immediately gave up everything but struggled with garments for about a week more then was done. I went very slow into alcohol, coffee, dressing "immodestly", things like that. It took me about a month to tell my parents, and even longer to tell everyone else. Basically leave no stone unturned, it makes it easier to leave and not feel the need to go back if you are thorough in your approach to leaving. Leave without regrets, but don't stay out of guilt (that is the work of the church and members). Don't buy into anyone telling you they just want to visit or they'll respect your views. Even knowing this full well, I soon realized all they wanted to do was somehow convince me to come back and use fake friendship to do it. When you are fully ready, I highly recommend taking the step of resignation. I had alot of anger towards the church and wanted a clean and tidy break out, there was fear of losing the blessings, but realized that they weren't real anyways. Life is good, normal, very very normal which takes the magic away but life is now worth living. Good luck to you. I sincerely hope this helps you. :)

Sorry I meant to say "stay out of the guilt trips". Those using them believe they need to save your "eternal soul" and that's not true. God accepts you exactly as you are. One of the greatest comforts I came to understand. :)

Jorsen, it breaks my heart when I read these posts, but I am drawn to them because it makes me feel like I'm not alone. I left a year ago in June. It was the hardest year of my life. If you're not in therapy, I would strongly suggest it. I also started an antidepressant which has helped tremendously. I never realized that I was chronically depressed, I just thought I felt bad because I needed to be more "righteous, spiritual, etc" I was a Molly to the T. Leaving really shattered my world and caused serious problems in my marriage. I started drinking too much, which was part of the problem. At my lowest point I was praying desperately to die. What you're going through is SO real. Respect the need for healing and acknowledging all of the emotions you are experiencing. At one point, my husband's friend asked him why I don't just go back to Mormonism. People have NO IDEA how complicated the emotional/mental process of leaving is. I thought about it, but then I thought of all the things that I will NEVER do again-like callings, wearing garments, going to church for 3-4 hrs every Sunday, feeling guilty for never being good enough, etc. etc. I can't go back to that life. But going from feeling like you know all the answers to feeling like you know nothing and are starting completely over in your beliefs is traumatic to say the least. The emotions definitely get less intense over time and with therapy, for me. Good luck. Give yourself time to grieve your losses and move on to becoming true to yourself.

I just watched the film "What the Bleep Do We Know?" and part of that film points out that our cells develop "receptors" to emotions and the more and more they're fed, the more our cells grow to "want" those emotions and develop more receptors.

The morg has a built in set of fuzzy feely emotions that can become quite addicting. I firmly believe this is how TBMs can so willingly defy logic and reason to stay in it, because the very cells that comprise their body are so addicted to the serum that they will do any sort of mental gymnastics to ensure it's not taken away.

For me, as much as I hated General Conference, there was a strange comfy cozy feeling I got from it. I TRULY believed those men were called of god and that anything they said was divine. I (like most members today) would especially love hearing Holland, he's such a powerful and convincing speaker. So it's quite unsettling to find out that these men are not only not called of god, but are quite literally deceiving millions of people. Wow, that's a sad realization and I imagine every time conference time rolls around I'll have an extreme case of nostalgia for those times of "innocence."

Of course I'd rather watch football than conference, but football doesn't give me that warm fuzzy feeling.

I imagine it will get better over time, but it's probably going to be a very gradual process. Like, over decades of time. Programming from birth (as was the case for me at least) is very very powerful.

Yes, it's a process and takes as much time as the individual needs.

I got stuck in anger mode an awfully long time, too long in my own opinion. As a convert, I felt so deceived, used, and stupid for falling for the Mormon missionary approach. I trusted and believed every word they uttered. I felt like a complete fool for becoming a Mormon and was probably more angry at myself if truth be told. I needed to forgive myself before I could move on.

I tried going back to church once to accompany my still believing mother but the experience made me want to vomit. I felt like smoke was coming out my ears as I listened to the drivel being preached at the church not to mention the phony greetings from my former friends.

I found a new support system when I got out and made new friends. I prefer friendships that have no basis in religion whatsoever. I've also gotten involved in a few service groups that don't overwhelm me with responsibilities and are just happy to have me participate at whatever level appeals to me.

Today I am a completely different person. The anger is gone and I'm now filled with sorrow and pity for the poor unfortunates still trapped in the Mormon delusion. I can now speak with Mormons from a place of complete healing and can show my happy side rather than the angry side. In fact, I'm so much happier that seeing an old Mormon acquaintance doesn't bother me at all. I just hope that my new, happy countenance will shine and make them wonder.

The only little twinge I get remembering the old days is at Christmas time. I do sort of miss the tree decorating and party planning we used to do at church. But I think that it has more to do with the cultural affinity we all have with the season. I just enjoy the old carols being sung by all, the community tree and decorations, and go to the parties with eggnog and cookies that everyone, not just Mormons, participate with. I'm fully atheist now but as Christopher Hitchens once said, "I accept any excuse for a party".

Take it easy on yourself. The healing comes slowly but when it is complete you will be able to laugh and move ahead with courage and joy. Mormonism is all in your head and when you get it out of your head you will be able to replace those internal messages with ones of truth and real substance. Enjoy the process. It really is exhilarating.

Wow such amazing responses. I am so very thankful for this.

My soon to be ex-wife and I talked a little last night. It is so frustrating because part of me wants to try to make the marriage work, but she is going 'all in' in respect to the church at the moment and I understand her point of view.

She doesn't want this marriage to end...and in some ways neither do I. I love our children and miss them terribly, but at the same time I also miss the companionship even though it's been a rocky relationship for awhile (we dated 3 weeks before getting married 9 years ago).

So what's a real #mindscrew is that I am almost certain that if I tried to get back into church our marriage would be saved. But at what cost?

I have considered trying a middle way at times...New Order Mormon, Cafeteria Mormon and so forth...but that approach...i'm not sure if I can do it.

I resonate so strongly with so many of these replies...

An an Agnostic at the moment...I am wishing for my faith back...the desire to feel 'God' or 'Spirit' in my life is undeniable.

But, I also cannot simply dismiss logic and reason. My Dad always encouraged me to seek after the Truth™ and I have that deeply ingrained within me which is why I love science so much.

I don't want to live without some kind of spirituality. I have read some studies done that people without a faith/spirituality/oneness/support of some kind tend to die sooner and have a lower quality of life.

This has also messed with some of my Role Models who were Mormon. Even though I still resonate with much of the good they did and the views they held, my problem is that if they were wrong at Mormonism what else were they wrong about?

I suppose all of you have felt this way at times...it's just so tempting to give up and give in...and like I said in my original post...when I am physically sick or mentally sick (distress) I want my faith back.

I used to always think everything happens for a reason. Now I am not so sure...but I sure hope so.

One of my favorite concepts was the Light of Christ and the Eternal Evolution of our best selves. I desire to have as much light as I can and to be my best self...but at the moment I have no idea where to go for such things.

Thanks again all for your responses.

These feelings are normal. Your world view made a MAJOR shift upon discovering the truth. THERE IS GOING TO BE SOME ADJUSTING to this new world view you have. You have been conditioned your whole life (?) by the church to view, believe, react and handle life a certain way and now you can no longer rely upon that way of thinking.

There will be re-adjusting going on. You will have to replace the church with other outlets and support systems.

When I discovered the church wasn't true I drifted into a state of depression for a good two years. I had a hard time letting go of the Mormon life and social structure but I gradually learned how to accept the new way of life outside of Mormonism.

I suppose everyone's path is different. Some people use liberal Christian churches as their support system or spirituality. Others get into Buddhism or meditation. Others music or the arts. Some just enjoy nature and the outdoors. Others, like myself, just needed a new social network. Once I replaced all my old Mormon connections with GOOD, non-Mormon ones, I was happy and at peace. I rarely ever think about church, god or Mormonism except when I get on this board, but that's more for my own amusement. "The Church" may seem like a big deal to you now but in reality, Mormonism is just an insignificant drop in the bucket in this world. 99.99% of the people of this world don't know or care about Mormonism. Mormons are in their own little bubble.

When I have personal difficulties I no longer think about the church as a crutch or support system. I have new outlets for this. I go for a good run on the trails. I join friend or co-workers for happy hour drink. I watch some funny and irreverent movie like Jackass. I go on good long hike with my wife up in the mountains.

I love life now. I love that I don't HAVE to have an answer to everything. I love that I can decide my OWN morality and principles and not be forced to accept what others tell is right. I love having my own conscience. I love experiencing life and the wonders and mystery of it all. I love learning and gaining more understanding of it all without it all having to make sense at the same time.

Good luck on your journey out of Mormonism!

I guarantee the truth will come out eventually. If you lie to your wife and pretend to be a TBM it will ultimately fall apart or you will ultimately fall apart. A marriage founded on a whopper lie isn't much of a marriage. Do you want to be a constantly hypocritical Mormon or a man of character and integrity searching for truth? Searching for truth while living a lie sounds like mental torture. I'm not criticizing. Go ahead if you think it's what is best for you and your family. It's your life so live it as you see fit. Just don't expect it to be easy or very satisfying.