I have contracted a deadly plague. Not a real plague. Just one more deadly than any real plague and far more likely to kill your children. I have leprosy. Just kidding I have AIDS. Kidding again. I have, “who the hell knows what it is, but avoid that guy he's dangerous” syndrome.

Suddenly and without warning I have gone from loved and respected to feared. What changed? My response to the bishoprick. “Yes” became, “no” and I now have something that might kill you if you speak to me.

Not that this is unexpected. It was expected. I'm not dumb, I saw this coming. It just happened really, really, fast. I went from the ward service project who should be loved back into the fold to, “that guy could kill or rape your children with a glance” in about three weeks. At least they are efficient.

I still go to church for reasons I'll explain once I give a full account of just how stupid this whole story is (revised to be politically correct and more true of course). When I go to church now, I see people look at me then quickly look away, as if my presence could somehow infect or kill them. Actually now that I think about it I wish it could infect or kill them. That would be kind of cool.

So I am now Satan who goes to church. Ok that's giving me too much credit. Satan would totally shake your hand if you offered it (Joseph was dead-on about this). I refuse to shake anyone's hand (because of my infection. The C.D.C. would be all over that), so instead I smile cordially and say, “hi how are you today?” When I smile they look like I just told them that Hitler may have actually been Jesus, or Jusus's gay lover. They have no idea what to do. It confuses them. Why am I happy? After all, I'm Satan. Satan isn't happy...seriously someone bind this guy for one thousand years.

I jest some. I jest a lot. It is what I do. Still, this is (as always) a true story so I cannot make it more than it actually is. The plague part is merely my perception, as well as the ward's perception of me, and I am not actually Satan as far as I know. Still, if Satan had any sense of humor at all he would totally f**k with these people like this because it is just so easy to do. I'm not even trying.

As a side note, Satan just got a big promotion at work probably for not paying his tithing. That is true too. Go Satan! Satan will elaborate on this at a future date.

Now that I have referred to myself allegorically and also in the third-person at the same time, I hereby declare myself to be the greatest Mormon writer ever. Die in a fire McConkie. Wait, that was in bad taste. He actually is dead. No problem. He and I can have a truce, shake on it, and he can come visit me in the fire. Mormon doctrine is totally kosher with this. Problem solved. Oh shoot, no it's not. Kosher is a Jewish word. Dammit.

I'll sum up now and I'll tell you that I'm now summing up now because not everyone can read at more than a 5th grade level thanks to Mormon politicians like Chris Buttars. The Man in Black has every intention of referring to himself in the third-person for literary purposes and continuing to post what is actually happening to him regardless of how many witnesses he has to back up what he's saying. No matter how he writes it, no matter how elaborated and funny it may be, no matter how drunk he may be at the moment he writes it, it is true. He bears his testimony of it. He saw it in a hat. Usually on the first Sunday of the month.

In case you do not take me seriously because my sense of humor is sarcastic I forgive you because I'm Christ-like. It's OK. I forgive you. The ward thinks I'm nuts too. If I am crazy then it's a good place to be. The water is great. Jump in. I'd shake on it.

-MiB.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/16/2011 10:41PM by The Man in Black.

love it man. I'm starting to sense the shunning beginning with some of my ward members.

That's what I say when LDS people ask me why I don't believe. Strangely, no one has taken the conversation any further.

This has two benefits. It ends the conversation and it prevents them hearing what they don't want to hear anyway.

another good one "do you really want to know?" Usually they don't.

What?! You've a actually had TBMs ask you? No one as ever asked me. How I would love that opportunity!

"I'd tell you, but then I'd have to blood atone you."

???

That one is so funny I am seriously going to have to use it. Seriously. Or maybe I'll modify it to "I'd tell you but then I'd have to slit my throat from ear to ear." There's some actual truth in them words.

you are my new religion

and I say this with love.

Please pay your tithing and keep on keeping on.

the next generation you save may well be your own.

Scooter bows in obescience.

far and way, the best post today after my ignored own.

Topper, dudess. WTF!!

"Do you really wanna know," is what I plan on saying if anyone ever asks me. I'm not holding my breath though. No one seems to want to know.

Brilliant.

It is amazing how everyone's stories are so similar. For a 'religion' that claims to be christian and loving to act this way just reinforces you are doing the right thing. You are scary because they have been told you are. You are shunned because you think for yourself. I love how you go to church and absolutely blow the walls out of their perfect thinking! You are a better person than me... If I went back to church, I would probably have a Molotov cocktail in my hand.

You're awesome.

Bumping for the Weekend since I KNOW you want to read it and now is the time you'll see it.

</end self-promotion>

Good story.

You infect the hell out of them.

PS. I submitted my name to Cracked.

IMO you could totally be one of their best writers.

Your stuff is funny as hell and they pay for people like you.

I read you blog. It's great. You have talent. Talent good enough to make some $ from. Dont let anyone stop you.

since he said his was ignored. Some of the best posts get lost.

My ex and I just went to a funeral at the ward today. I'm sure there is all kinds of "stuff" going around about us today . . .

They always run hot and cold on this stuff. It is actually kind of fun to watch once you "don't care"--like Ron said. I went to a funeral 3 years ago at the ward and it was much more difficult to do. Then it was "okay, I'll do this because she was my friend" and I gritted my teeth. Today, it was more of an attitude "don't care" about mormonism much, just here to pay my respects.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/18/2011 07:25PM by cl2.

Shunning isn't very effective if the person being shunned doesn't give a damn. Shun away, shun away, shun away mormon folk.

If you stay living in the same place for a long time people get tired of always looking the other way when they see you.

Especially if they want your business.