I am 31 and left tscc a month ago, and i keep having the thoughts of "i really wish I'd done this a decade or more ago" and not been such a scared, fearful growing adult. I wish I'd developed much more meaningful relationships. I wish I'd been much more willing to display my true self to people instead of my cult-built fasad.

Plus, sexual repression took me over as it does anyone in the church. Not that i wish I'd screwed tons of girls just for the fun of it, but man do i have deep regret for not being able to develop sexually. Now i feel like a teenager in a 31 year old body. I admit I objectify women. I see attractive ones every time i go out and think nothing of what type of person they are, but how much I'd love to rip off her clothes and have full reign on her. I feel horrible about it. I fucking hate what tscc did to me.

I'm married to a tbm wife of nearly seven years and have two kids. I'm committed but honestly it's really rough right now. Part of me really wants to just leave, but I'm not sure if i have much more to explore or if it's just my penis talking.

We've started going to counseling, and i want to want to (not a typo) make it work. But man it's really tough right now.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/23/2013 12:02AM by exldsdudeinslc.

Don't beat yourself up. Your feelings are normal for your situation. It's good that you are going to counseling and that you want to take things in a good direction for yourself and your family. One day at a time, and you can do it! Best wishes.

Don't beat yourself up, some people don't get out of Mormonism until their 60s! Be glad that you discovered it already. You never have to 'donate' to the cult again. You never have blindly 'obey' some church leader again.

Be glad that your children don't have to go through what you did. Even if you have to compromise with your wife about their church attendance, you can refuse to let them be baptised. Refuse to allow those awful, destructive, personal interviews with the bishop (one of the worst things Mormonism does IMO)

and as for looking at attractive women, wanting to jump their bones, that is NORMAL for a 31 year old man. Men look, and they fantisize. Repressed sexuality can make one go into overdrive on this, so just be careful. Remember women are people too, and quick glances are better than gawking.

Glad your are going to counseling, just DO NOT use LDS social services.

Sounds a little like mid life crises I went through in my early 40s late 30s. Wife was TBM at the time and I was not attending for a while. It is a rough patch to go through. She is concerned for her eternal life and you are playing with regrets and these 2 do not mesh up. Keep that in mind and be patient, you can make it work.

Hmmm
are you sure.....
I mean it is not really normal to walk around and dreaming to rip off the clothes of some woman that are in bad luck t be at the same time in the same area. Actually a scarry thought. You are not in an all you can do candy store. Women are not objects of some wired feelings. Just saying.
Even a teen is not walking around and drams of ripping of all woman clothes everywhere. Sex ist good oh it is good, bud you friend have a problem.
May be a professional conversation could clear up something for you.
I hope Irealy do hope I misunderstood.

Sexual frustration will mess with your mind, and not in a good way. Put that near the top of your list of things to deal with.

Sex is hyped more than about anything. Keep that in mind. You might not have much to explore. Part of sexual development is figuring out what sex is, and what it isn't.

Hesitated to write.
You won’t believe this.
Probably just have to learn the hard way.
But that’s OK.

The young man is just trying to survive the winter: will I make it. Lots of goals. Lots of uncertainty. Lots of fear.

The older man has achieved some competence, knows now that he will not perish of starvation, has realized some goals, and so the will-I-survive adrenaline is replaced by boredom and a nagging sense of:
Is this all there is?
Really?
I’ve achieved my goals – it was supposed to be great – but it’s not?
Maybe the problem is I should have raced around after all?
And also by now there is a real inkling of mortality and a very real death contra posed to this sense of having never lived -- and an urgency to live -- before the door closes.

So the typical story is:
Dump the wife, get a red Corvette, race around with serial women, and in the end find the same empty
“Is this all there is?”
“But I have never lived!”

(Or dump the career and enter the monastery, or dump the monastery and enter a career, etc.)

It is a part of normal growth.
But external “fixes” and changes never work, because the problem is never external. It’s internal.
Who am I. What’s the point. Why do I feel I’ve never lived. What is this restlessness. Why can’t I turn off my mind. Why can’t I sleep.

Beyond your current plans, suggest:
- Don’t deviate rashly from the life course taken thus far because the current state is a bit like hitting a patch of black ice. No sudden control inputs.
- Endure the turbulence. It won’t be comfortable but it isn’t endless.
- Rather than focus on the externals, look inward.

There are a thousand roads, all go to the same place.
All that is necessary is a desire to grow and an open-minded-ness.
And things will open up.

Good luck.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 12/23/2013 02:10AM by zenjamin.

This is spot on! I might also add that women go through this as well. Except, they are often resentful of all they've given up to support their husbands - education, work & earning potential, body which produced children.

I read once that women want to divorce their husbands every three years (more often than men want to divorce their wives). My point, your wife is probably feeling all this as well AND any other woman you "might" end up with, will want to leave you at some point as well.

If you want to explore sexually, start by turning to your wife. I guarantee you're a disappointment in that department based on your objectifying of women. Learn to be a good lover and I bet you'll be more satisfied sexually.

Looking at my previous post, I worded it badly and could be misinterpreted.

I want to clarify (since I cannot edit my post) while it is normal to fantasize about women, it is not normal to feel compelled to violence and abuse.

If that is what you meant by stating 'have full reign' please see a professional counselor on your own, as well as with your wife.

I hope everything will get better for you both.

I don't have visions of violence or force, just fantasies about women i see in public.

Two things-part of the problem is my wife doesn't allow exploration. Oral has never been part of the equation. Neither have toys. It makes me feel trapped and unfulfilled. I've tried to bring it up several times but she's to ashamed to even really talk about it in any real way. I'm thinking next counseling session I'll bring it up.

Thanks everyone for the comments, it's true I've hit a patch of black ice and just need to stay calm for a bit (despite my urges to do otherwise).

Seduce your wife, man! Don't *ask* your wife if you can go down on her. Just kiss her from head to toe. Work on your romance skills. Check out the Laura Corn Romance book.

I take the position that there are no: wouldas, shouldas, couldas, what if's.

Life is not a contest.Everything happens in our life when the timing works.

Live in the present. The past is gone, we don't live there anymore.
If we must go
to the past, do so with gratitude that it got us where we are today, one way or the other.

Without the past we wouldn't be who we are today - so that makes the present even more sweet.

Each day is another day to be thankful for everything I have.

With the attitudes I listed above, live is wonderful! (Even with the problems!) :-)

I sympathize with your situation. Mormonism can really screw with your head (pun intended) when it comes to sex. They tell you it's the sin next to murder before marriage, and then after the temple ceremony is over, expect you to jump into bed and fornicate like bunnies. I know I developed a terrible sense of guilt about sex, although I was certainly interested in it. Having to be morally clean and getting grilled on it regularly can damage a person's perception of sex, and when they finally get to have it, it can be such a letdown. Fantasy is normal, and I'm sure you won't be walking down the street accosting females and tearing off their clothes. You're frustrated from years of hearing "sex is bad, sex is fithly, don't even THINK about it". Don't be too hard on yourself. Like others here have suggested, try talking to your wife about what you'd like, and ask her what she would like in bed. If you can't do that, a good, non-LDS therapist can really help.

Best of luck to you,

Hapeheretic