As a logical step for the LDS Church to morph into a more popular form of a Christian sect, wine will now be served during the sacrament.

Deacons are instructed to ask each individual worthy member whether white or red wine is preferred. One half of the sacrament tray is loaded with red wine cups and the other half filled with the white.

For members who have recently committed minor spiritual offenses the Brethren suggest the red wine signifying the Mortal Messiah's loss of blood in the garden and upon the cross on their behalf.

For members who have proceeded beyond the "milk" phase and are into the "meat" of the Gospel and paying a full tithe it is suggested that two tiny plastic cups may be consumed.

For members who have had their Second Anointing performed by any of the sitting apostles, the white wine is suggested, representing the exalted Savior's pure and holy fluid flowing through His veins providing eternal sustenance.

As a "word of wisdom" and disclaimer from future lawsuits the Brethren advise not mixing sacrament shooters of the white wine with holy consecrated oil as this may cause a sudden "rush of wind throughout the sacred service" or one's "bowels to be full" of a substance other than mercy.

Coinciding with this new policy the LDS Church is converting it's expansive cattle and citrus ranch holdings to sheep herding and vineyard expansions.

The vineyards will be located adjacent to all holy temples so that investigators stopping by for the free wine tasting events on weekends can bask in the spirit radiating from the Lord's Mansions.

Click here to see the image that sparked this silly parody.

http://www.salamandersociety.com/slamtoons/celestial/2014/



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/24/2014 04:48PM by cricket.

would a deacon need a liquor permit?

They need to replace the sacrament water with Absynth

....wha? Why not King Cobra and Little Debbies?.....

They say that Jesus drank grape juice. I mean "they," the Mormons, say that. What a stupid thing to tell people.

I have often heard it argued by religious folk that wine could actually mean grape juice, until fairly recently. While it is true, that the English speaking people did not have separate words for grape juice and wine until the nineteenth century, when Welch's started marketing the term grape juice, the same is not true for the ancient Greeks, Hebrew, and Latin people. England was not grape country, so what grape beverages they consumed, were fermented by age, by the time they arrived in country. In countries where grapes were more commonly produced, the people tended to have separate words for the two. In the original language of the New Testament, it meant wine.

Wine was actually used for the sacrament until 1906, at least that's what FAIR says.

I also am given to understand that the reason they quit was supply and demand. They just couldn't get their hands on the wine needed for sacrament around the state. This was one of the missions created by Brigham Young, to grow grapes in southern Utah for wine production to supply sacrament. They did not want to bring in outside wine. The vineyards were sold off a good number of years ago and are used today for grape juice production. I think Welch's owns some of them.

I'm sorry, but in Utah this would require a rewrite of the liquor laws. That will not be a major problem, since the liquor laws in Utah are written by TSCC. The new law will have to be approved by the Utah State Legislature so that it will look like the will of the people. Perhaps that is what is happening now. There has been some news coverage recently about Utah's liquor laws. Since the Utah State Legislature under the direction of TSCC revisits Utah's liquor laws on a yearly basis in an effort to make them stranger than they already were, this idea should add some fun to the proceedings.

Tap water and Wonderbread are in insult to the memory of Jesus. It should be wine and unleavened (yeast free) bread.

A good port and a chunk of herbal seasoned flat bread would improve the sacrament greatly.

WTHF????

LDS meetings have already turned most of the members into Zombies.

just sayin'

If Jesus were the one whom Mormon worship, this would be a problem.

I've heard that a major religion started using low-calorie wafers. They're called "I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus."

You know, Steve, that was the least offensive sacrament song I ever heard. I liked the pathos of that piece. Weird, huh?

I had to read that twice to catch the pun. And I love puns.

Just one more thing the members who can least afford it will get stuck paying for, guaranteed.

MY sacrament is a cup of coffee at an A.A. meeting.

Are you joking?..... Is it real. And when did they announced?

Will the teachers quorum have to put a curtain up when they prepare the sacrament?

of course it would be head cheese in deference to God, you know, the Head Cheese.


:o)