We have a good relationship..he can see the boys whenever he wants to. We divorced because I could absolutely not go through with conversion to Mormonism. He choose the Church not me. I won't say that was a confidence builder because it wasn't...it hurt and hurt deeply. I remarried and divorced. He never remarried.

So tonight he calls and asks can he come over to talk. Sure, thinking it was something about taking the boys somewhere.

When he came over, he said. "I have something to show you." OK and pulls out his "I'm out of the Church now paper." He's had it for 5 months.

He then explained how he worked his way out...reading this board and reading everything he could.

I was speechless...and that doesn't happen often. All I could say was why? Why now? It took him a long time to investigate and leave the church. His parents are ultra TBM as are the rest of his family, pioneer stock and they hated me since I was a nevermo.

This is the only man I ever truly loved...and I've never stopped loving him.

So here we are...he's not Mormon any more. Do I trust this or not? He said...he never married because I was the only one he ever wanted to marry. He still feels the same and that his leaving the church is his proof of his love for me.

You have no idea how much I want to believe him...but I've been hurt by him so deeply before, I'm uncertain.

Has this happened to anyone else...what did you do?

I really want to believe he's left the Mormon church behind.

stormy

but I've heard of people re-marrying. You both have changed. How much do you need to protect yourself? Can you go in with both eyes wide open? How would it effect your kids?

I may be wrong, and of course I wouldn't suggest you do s'thing one way or another. His fam. always being of the lds faith, i do feel as if were a \Huge step. And myself, I've always felt everyone deserves a 2nd chance. He must love you still, anyways.What I would do, If you did decide to give him another chance, take your time, have him prove himself. It ALWAYS takes two. gl2u

Spend time with each other, no strings attached, and you'll know if he's the right guy.

Good idea. Just take your time getting to know him again and see how things go.

wine country girl Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Spend time with each other, no strings attached,
> and you'll know if he's the right guy.

Sounds great and all, but that strategy doesn't work for half of the people who marry.

But that is a huge step for him to take. If you are both still in love then maybe you should entertain the possibility of seeing if you are still compatible.

I am not the most rational person to take advice from on this subject though. My ex-husband and I have been divorced for 5 years and we are still in love. We've never even dated other people in all of this time. Your ex-husband chose the church over you and mine chose drugs over me. I wish more than anything that he could hand me a paper that showed me he was off of drugs forever, but that is an impossibility.

Wait 'til he holds a ghetto blaster, high above his head. With music waking up the night--a song dear to your heart to win your love back. You peer out the window and see the steam from his breath as the lyrics fill your ears and the soothing beat opens your heart.

If he does this...then maybe he is truly serious. Thank you John Cusak for the inspiration!

From my understanding of what you wrote, he worked his way out of the church by studying this board and reading everything he could get his hands on., This tells me he did not leave the church for you, yet he claims his leaving the church is proof he loves you.

I'm sorry, I don't know a lot about your situation, but I don't see how his studying his way out of TSCC is proof that he loves you.

Agreed. This could lead to a lifetime of "I gave up the faith of my fathers for you!" to gain an edge in arguments. You should take things slow. ONLY re-engage with him if his leaving the church was truly his own, rational decision and not simply a ploy to get you back.

His leaving the church is absolutely, positively NOT proof of love and saying it's so is underhanded and manipulative. A person leaves the church for him/herself. There's no other way to do it. It has to be a personal conviction for which the individual takes full responsibility. He's, in some strange way, trying to make YOU responsible for HIS actions. There's no correlation.

I'd go very slowly with this guy, and if your gut nags at you about anything that feels not quite right, LISTEN to it!

Leaving the church may not prove that he loves you but it shows that he wanted to understand you by studying the info that lead you out of the church. He has not remarried and moved on. He had his exit papers for 5 months he has thought about this.

See how it goes. There are many people on this board who want nothing more than for their morg spouse to find their way out. To care enough to understand why they left. It never hurts to get professional couples counseling in situations like yours. It would be wonderful if you two could make it work.

Take things one day at a time. There's no time limit on this.

IF you'd like to be with him again, then date and just have fun, and see where it goes. But whatever you don't, don't rush into anything.

There is one of those I'm an Ex-Mormon videos where this exact thing happened to one of the gals in the video. I think her name was Eva.

Put your children first and don't give them false hope. Your ex-husband has to make great efforts to win you back. if he can't be bothered, he does not value you enough.

You both need to be completely honest with each other. If he could give you up before, maybe he could do it again. He sacrificed you and your boys' happiness for church last time. Now he is no longer bound by religious constraints, maybe he could give you up for another woman.

My advice is to take things slowly, because he may just be wanting some of his old sense of security back because he no longer has church in his life.

I'm a really romantic person but I'm trying to see the world realistically. Do you want to be with him more than anyone else, even though he has hurt you in the past?

I think it's really sweet and a sign that he never didn't love you. He knows your single and showed you the letter five months after he got it, probably to try to build your trust and confidence that he MEANS it when he resigned from the church. All obstacles to the two of you being together are gone, so he wants you to know that.

The ball is in your court!

I would have fun and take it very. very. slowly. Talk. A lot. Ask a lot of questions. Keep foremost in your mind the three things it takes to make a relationship work: mutual trust, mutual respect, and two-way communication. Work on those things. Express your concerns to him and see how he addresses them.

I say, if you still love him and are still attracted to him, then enjoy yourselves. See what happens. Regret not what you have done, but that which you did not have the courage to try.

Good luck!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/18/2011 10:05AM by dogzilla.

For the relationship to work you have to have trust. Perhaps even more important than love. Do you trust him?

I agree with others that you should take things slow.

5 months out is not really that long. I tried to get back with my ex-gf shortly after I had resigned and was still trying to find my place in life. She became single and I thought it was "fate" that was trying to right things. It wasn't. We became friends, but the trust necessary for a healthy relationship was long broken and just not there anymore.

We have both moved on, married others but remain friends. Now, I can look back and see that if we had gotten back together it would have been a huge mistake.

Live together. You can't really get to know a person unless you live with them. Marriage is great and all but why get married if you are going to divorce later, whether that's a month later or ten years later? I say just live together for a while. That way you don't have to get married and then divorced again, you can know if he has truly left the church because if he hasn't he won't do it, and you can also see if you two are truly compatible this time around.

I think everyone should live together before getting married, it would cut down on the number of divorces. Many people don't show their true selves until they are very comfortable with you and that doesn't happen until you have slept together, gone to the bathroom together, shared flatulence, tooth brushes, and basically been together night and day for a while.

Just tell yourself that you want to see how it goes before you give all your heart to him again and move in together. If you both truly love each other moving in together will let you open your heart slowly and he can earn your trust while you earn his again. Good luck, I think it's great and I wish you the best of luck!

I think he should really demonstrate his commitment and love for OP before he is allowed to live with her. Otherwise he may just take her for granted and then bog off again when something or someone else comes along that takes his fancy.

OP should not act as though she is desperate, and her ex-husband must be made to realise just how much he has hurt her so that he will think twice before doing it again.

Was that mainly because he chose the church over you? Or is his behavior frequently (or even occassionally) abusive/hurtful?

Be careful. If he's abusive, that RARELY changes.

But if the church was the main issue, maybe things could work out. (And that would be amazingly cool).

I agree with all the advice of take it slow and obviously be careful, but why not see where it goes?

My wife and I have done the same thing just minus the divorce. It was pretty rocky for a while when I left the church but I've managed to woo her and she has responded with her own efforts. Working together on the relationship is the way to go if you ask me.

Good luck and I hope you both find all the happiness you can stand - wherever it can be found.

Stunted

Give him a chance, what have you got to lose?

You have children together and a history which Mormonism ruined. Here's your chance to re-write history.

Go out on romantic dates, progress to living together and have another nice wedding.

You can't change the past but you CAN make the future better, provided he stays clear of the cult.

Maybe he didn't choose the church over you after all - the tentacles can be deep.

Why don't you find out? Put a bit of romantic spice in it and go on a few dates!

Sorry - this should be a case study in proof-reading.

I meant, of course, to say - Maybe he chose you over the church after all.

different terms.
Trust but verify, as they say.

Give yourselves time to develop a new kind of relationship.
You both still love each other, now can you both be united enough to sustain a new relationship.
No hurry. Let things develop.
This may or may not be workable, but it's probably worth a try.

I don't get that impression at all. He never remarried. She married and divorced, so he had plenty of time to find a molly. In fact, being a penisholder he was probably beating them off with a stick.

Quite often in a relationship, there are circumstances that can't be overcome, despite how much you are attracted to a person. TSCC makes itself into that circumstance.

For a pioneer stock TBM to leave the church and by doing so, disappointing his family, that is a BIG move.

There is nothing to lose by going slow and seeing what happens. Regret is worst thing, because you can't go back in time. Why regret trying, when trying will give the answer? It will work or not.

She divorced her first husband after 16 years when she found out he had had multiple affairs during their marriage and still sat on the front row every Sunday at church! Devastated, she married someone else 10 months later (an active church man) which lasted only two years. Once single again, her first husband came back and pleaded with her to put the family back together much like your husband has. They dated for a while and took it slow and then remarried. They have been happily married now for 20 additional years. It can happen. Though I am usually wary about such situations, I know that we change once we see just how devastating some of our actions and decisions can be. I am a different person than I was at 25 and would love to have the opportunity to correct some of my unenlightened decisions. Your ex might very well understand what he gave up for a stupid cult. But remember, there is NO HURRY. Just enjoy dating and establishing a NEW relationship with him SLOWLY. Time is your friend.

Let's be fair.

The church totally messess with your mind.

And your husband came from a messed up TBM family upbringing.

The fact that he left the church AND his family speaks volumes.

All of which means that you two are starting over with where you are today.

You have a past with him and have feelings for him. He seems to have them for you and MOST IMPORTANTLY, has them MINUS the church's influence. That's a good start.

So take things slow. Express your concerns. How to deal with his family, etc.

See where it goes.

You have to build up trust again, and that's not going to happen overnight. You can live together for years without getting married again. Why not give it time?

There was a time in his life when your ex put his relationship with the church ahead of his relationship with you. I would want a lot of assurances that his essential understanding of his role as your mate has permanently changed.

In your shoes I would also want an acknowledgement that your ex understands just how much he hurt you by walking away.

He still has to deal with his TBM family. How will he support you and sustain you in light of their feelings toward you? What steps is he willing to take to demonstrate to them that you come first?

There are lots of questions and concerns that you need to have addressed. Proceed with caution.

There is nothing worse than taking care of another (big) baby you can't afford.

Be cautious, they'll say whatever they think you want to hear.

No his hasn't lost his job or house...he's an ER doctor...he has always paid child support on time...has never missed and pays more actually then the agreement stipulates.

I always kept an eye on that. It just made sense for me to know what was going on.

He has an excellent reputation and works at an excellent hospital...

stormy