What if, millennia ago, a Bronze Age Canaanite war god really did talk an old man into picking up a knife and mutilating his genitals (and those of his servants) in exchange for land and kids?

And what if, 2000 years ago, that war god's dad had him tortured and killed specifically because, while the war god never did anything wrong, everyone else was bad?

And what if, two centuries ago, the undead war god and his dad actually appeared to a magic-wielding treasure hunter, forced him at swordpoint to have sex with lots of women, and complimented his buddy on his consummate manipulation of his dangling rod?

Should I play it safe and cut a check to that ear-wiggling billionaire in his 8000sf penthouse condo in downtown SLC, that old saint over whom elderly widows still gush as they remember how, years ago, he sweetly and deftly ministered to them as they whispered to him the details of how they pleasured themselves?

I might miss out on godhood and eternal mingling with these holy men; what's 10% compared to that?!

You've convinced me.

I'm going back just to cover all the bases.