I still have the card in my wallet which is like the cheat sheet for priesthood ordinances.

I still haven't resigned...

I still read the Ensign...

I still read from the parts of the Book of Mormon that I love...




It's like looking at a picture of my mother who has passed away already...it's like talking to my father who has Dementia...it's like being inside a memory.

There is happiness there...but sadness too...it's like living in the past...while somehow trying to piece it all together and making it cohesive with the future.

I am a sensitive man...that seemed almost masculine in the Mormon way...but what does it mean now?

I love to serve...I love people...I am a humanist at heart...

I see others and see my brothers and sisters...but when I look above I see the stars and not kolob...I see the heavens and the cosmos instead of heavenly father.

I sometime's listen to certain talks from conferences or firesides years ago. Often certain talks resonate with me and stir me to tears. The familiar feelings of the spirit come over...and its like the hug from an old friend.

Yet soon the feelings leave...and I remember that I know now...and I struggle with how to not forget anything...and yet somehow have it all.

A universal theory of everything...so that I could have my faith...my science...my reason...and my feelings and spirituality too.

Sure...some people of faith seem to do the mental gymnastics...but I sometimes wonder if it's just a game of semantics.

"Well that depends on what your definition of 'is' is."

When the apologist says Faith and Testimony does it mean the same thing as when the Prophet says Faith and Testimony?

I loved what John Dehlin posted on Facebook this morning...talking about how Prophets are not people who outlive others on a board of directors to eventually become the head honcho of a Corporation.

Prophets speak what needs to be said even if it is unpopular. John goes on to say that people like Fawn Brodie were prophets in a biblical sense more than some prophets of today.

He then asks, Would the apologists of today be treated as well if they had released their works/books/talks/blogs 30 years ago?




I think I am in Denial...I think I am an Atheist...but I don't want to be...but I just had to keep pursuing the truth...because my father told me that was the most important thing to seek after...and so I have...

sigh....

And so I have...

"I am a sensitive man...that seemed almost masculine in the Mormon way...but what does it mean now?" SENSITIVE MEN are very much in demand... in many women's opinion's, they are the most macho and the strongest men because they are not afraid to show their real feelings and reveal their thougths. That takes real COURAGE!! It is masculine!!! It is refreshing so hang onto it. It is one of you greatest strengths.

Hang in there. It seems that the grasp the church has/had on people is very different person-to-person. I am already willing to accept that I will probably never fully "recover" in some ways... but overall, I feel good about myself and I'm really happy with my life. I still hang out with TBMs and I learn to live with them and they learn to live with me. It's all good.

Pace yourself and do what is right for you. There is no one-size-fits-all approach on getting "out". Do not punish yourself or feel less of yourself if you want to read the Ensign.

Hope that helps...

It takes time to shake off the brainwashing but it will probably be fairly easy for you since you are a convert.

The Book of Mormon is a proven hoax and most of the Ensign stories are made up too.
So stop torturing yourself and move on with your life.