Hello,

Here is the back story - I am a former Catholic, never Mormon, never interested in LDS (except for Big Love reruns) who used to live in Salt Lake. My four brothers and I grew up there, and a few years ago one of my brothers converted. Although I don't agree with his decision, I feel it is his decision to make and it is not my place as one who claims to try to be tolerant of all to be anything other than supportive. Of my brother, not his choices.

Anyways, there was a huge falling out between my parents, mostly my mother, and him. Mostly on my parents' side. My brother has one of the most gentle personalities I've every experienced and he has never, ever pushed his choices on any of us. But my mother, a devoted Catholic (converted when she was an adult btw), has taken his decision as a personal attack on her. To talk to her you would think he was doing drugs or something.

Fast forward to now, he proposed to his mormon girlfriend and are getting married soon. I've been asked to be a bridesmaid. They are having both a non-denominational ceremony and a temple wedding, plus rehersal dinners, etc. My parents are threatening not to go to any part of the wedding because they feel slighted by not being allowed into the temple. As a side note, many of his fiance's family members and friends will also not be allowed to go to the temple stuff either. I know my brother tried to work hard to provide places where everyone could be included and I know will hurt my brother and do long lasting if not permanent damage to our family bonds if my parents do like they are threatening and head to Vegas that weekend. Although I would rejoice if my brother renounced the whole LDS part of his life, it doesn't look like thats going to happen before the wedding and I just want everyone to get along. Also, my brother is the first of us to get married, so I feel like it is extra special.

Thanks for reading, its good to get off my chest in a place where folks might understand (not to many mormons in the uber liberal town I live in now :)). Any thoughts are appreciated.

Your parents should go to the part of the wedding that they were invited to...

Refusing to attend because of religious differences is not okay. The temple ceremony is silly anyway, they shouldn't feel too bad about not getting to go.

However, you should try to talk your brother out of it. It's hard to be a happy mormon. Utah has the highest rates of anti-depressant use in the U.S. And does he really want his twelve year daughter/son to be stuck in a situation where they are alone with a strange old man who is asking them if they masturbate or think about inappropriate things?

(then again -- maybe catholics have that too -- I don't know anything about catholicism)

Kinderhook plates, early racist teachings, and DNA evidence indicating Native Americans are descended from Asians not Caucasians are all things you could bring up.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/19/2010 02:44AM by jalden.

And there really is nothing you can do about it. You can just handle your own part in the wedding in your own way.

The truth is that it is very hard for a mother to be invited to everything BUT the real marriage ceremony of their child. I'm not sure that going to Las Vegas is going help her feel better or help the relationship. But she obviously doesn't want to be there (but NOT be allowed in). Maybe she can find somewhere a little closer to escape to during the wedding (a nearby restaurant or coffee shop), and have a glass of wine before the reception to take the edge off.

Yes, your brother has tried to make it as comfortable as possible for his family. But his religious beliefs come first now. The LDS church puts a lot of pressure on couples to marry in the temple FIRST. Couple have to wait a YEAR at least if they get married civilly first, all the while thinking they have a second-rate marriage, and if one of them dies before they go to the temple that they won't be together in the next life (even though Mormons can seal people for the dead).

And Mormons assume that those who don't marry in the temple must have sinned. And if they have a child before they are "sealed" in the temple, then the child isn't born in the "covenant" and isn't "sealed" to the parents for all eternity.

I think this is one of the worst things the LDS church does, where they don't let family members take part in such an important and happy life event, and put so much pressure on the bride and groom to marry in the temple at such a high relationship cost with the family who can't attend (especially non-mormon parents who cannot understand why their child would have a wedding they cannot attend).

I do want to add one thing. . . . the non-denominational ceremony you mentioned? That's NOT what the church recommends, and I think what he may be doing is a "ring ceremony". If this is run by an LDS leader (which is usually is), they are NOT allowed to exchange vows, and the leader usually explains that the REAL marriage was in the temple, and how important the temple is, and why only "worthy" LDS are allowed. I attended one of those and found it very offensive because they basically said that no one is excluded from the temple, because ANYONE who accepts the gospel and follows the commandments can enter the temple.

REALLY? So if I just join the LDS church (and wait at least a year, because that's how long you have to wait to get a temple pass) and follow all the f'n rules I can be ALLOWED to see someone I love get married. WOW. They really don't think that's outrageous? They really think that kind of a ceremony for those not allowed into the wedding is going to make anyone feel better, or make them want to know more about "eternal marriage" and the LDS church?

To me, it just showed me how clueless they are. I wasn't personally offended by the ceremony, because I understand that they really believe all that crap. They weren't TRYING to be offensive. It was just a byproduct of their beliefs.

But I'd check with your brother, and if THAT is the non-denominational ceremony he's planning on, then I'm make d**n sure your mother doesn't go.

It really seems your brother is doing all he can to both honor his and his finance's quite strict beliefs, while still trying to allow as much family participation as possible. Many people in similar situations don't go that far, so he must love you guys a lot. Life is too short to squabble over such things. Take in every moment like it is the last one you'll get. Honor your loved ones. Do all you can to make them happy. Some day your brother may find his way out of Mormonism, but it isn't helpful to make love contingent on it.

I hope your parents reconsider their feelings about it. Going to Vegas instead of trying to participate seems a little silly. Even threating such a thing. It more than likely is a coping mechanism, a way they can handle the emotional hurt of what is going on. They feel hurt, and so they want to hurt back. It is human nature really, so there is little point in finding fault. We all do it.

I love my children very much. While I deeply hope they never find their way in to Mormonism, if they do I will do everything I can to participate in their lives in every way they want me to. I love my children so completely and unconditionally, no other choice is acceptable. Do your parents feel that degree of love toward your brother? Perhaps they need to be reminded by a helpful daughter... :)

Three of my grandkids have gotten married in LDS temples in the last fourteen months. I chose not to attend. I wait outside, get in the photos and work hard to make the day all about their love.

Keep things centered on them. It is their day. One day they may want to talk about temple ordinances. I will be ready. Till then, blood is blood and not much else matters.

Perhaps your brother is having a "ring ceremony," which is simply an exchange of rings, where everyone just wings it, without any talk of God or any prayers. Sometimes passages from the Bible can be read. Would Bible passages please your Catholic mother?

I do take the side of your non-Mormon family members. It is rude and arrogant of Mormons to expect perfectly lovely family members to wait outside the temple, because they are deemed "UNWORTHY" to enter therein! It is the only religion that does not allow family to witness the wedding ceremony. But families comply, because they want to support the bride and groom, no matter how brainwashed and judgmental they have become, as members of their exclusive little cult.

Bear in mind that every person who attends your brother's temple ceremony has paid dearly for the privilege--10% of their income for life, to be exact! The Mormon temple wedding ceremony itself lasts only a few minutes, and "seals" the couple to each other and the Mormon church in the same single sentence. The
words "love", "honor", "cherish" do not appear in the dialog. You can find a copy of this ceremony online. Trust me, you won't be missing much.

You seem to have established a mature stand in all of this. You seem to be putting the bride and groom first, which is wise.

Don't let the Mormon cult ruin this special event, by allowing it to hijack the wedding, control everything, and make the day all about the cult. My entire family is LD$, and I have been to too many weddings like this. Depending on the circumstances, and my closeness to the bride and groom, I have sometimes waited outside the temple, and sometimes skipped the temple altogether, but always have attended the reception and other parties.

Whenever anyone asks me why I wasn't in the temple, or mentions the Mormon cult, I reply as follows: "We are celebrating the bride and groom's special day. Let's not talk about religion." This sums up my attitude.

Religion should not be that IMPORTANT. It certainly should not come before family--although Mormons are taught to put the cult FIRST, even before family. It is NOT the family-oriented religion it claims to be; it is money-oriented.

If your parents retreat to Vegas and exclude themselves from their own child's wedding, then the cult wins. Someday, your brother will realize that it is all a hoax. Be patient. In the meantime, please, try not to let Mormonism ruin your happiness.

You are a good person, and I wish you and your family well.

Mormonism is notorious for breaking up families. Be prepared for this rift to be fresh in your family for as long as your brother remains a Mormon. Learn to live with it, by establishing your own boundaries of what degree of rudeness you will and will not tolerate. You can't control other people. Each person has their individual limits. Your parents have a right to theirs. Just love them.

everything has been done to appease everyone involved. Now it's up to the family members that are not happy to be gracious and let go of the notion they have some entitlement to control other people's wedding etc. with threats.

If someone chooses not to attend, that's their choice. They lose out strictly because of their actions.