So my Hubby's family knows that we are out and a few members of my nevermo family know as well. I am a total people person and the damage of radio silence is having a big impact on me. One day my sil are bffs and now she only talks to me when she needs to talk. But iif I start talking even for a minute about myself I get the dial tone, well practically. Relations are strained with the in-laws ever since I mentioned that I think JS was not inspired to sleep around on his wife. They told me that they were sorry that those things were "trying my faith". Um...no. My parents don't know that I am out and I can't really tell them. They are not supportive of my family. We are now attending a local Christian church and have told them we are ex-mormons. I think it was the right call but now I feel like we are being judged for thst , like we need to earn our "Christian" badge before people will take us seriously. We have no friends in our state and only a small number of family that support us (though they are not mentioning our "secret" to the rest of the family). This totally stinks. How are we supposed to move on. I am a people pleaser by nature. I really do love people genuinely and live to serve. I could easily blow my Hubby's paycheck doing random acts of kindness. Really. It's my gift. But with that said, people use me and treat me like crap. I attract manipulators because I "am nice" and want to serve, however I am fully aware that a lot of our "friends" are manipulators who enjoy doing things with me as long as I am funding it. We don't have any real Mormon friends in our area, though we have lived in our area for several years. They disappeared as soon as we left. I guess this is more of a rant. I desperately want real friends. The kind I used to have before getting sucked in by the cult. I have said the whole time I was a Mormon, "I have never seen such fakeness in any other church as I have seen with the LDS church". I want real people.

I sympathize with you.

Shunning is awful--but not even close to how awful it was being a Mormon slave. Rejection by all your Mormon friends at once can be crazy-making. You think something might be wrong with you. Also, you feel intensely lonely--even though you have plenty of non-Mormon friends and family who love you.

You have gained valuable insights about your own victimization. Now that you can identify manipulators, you will be less likely to be manipulated. Try not to be afraid of making new friends. Not all groups are as nasty as the Mormons.

Instead of giving money to charities, do hands-on in person charity work. You will meet the nicest people on the planet, while you are helping others. I especially have enjoyed volunteering in the schools. You probably have your own favorite charities, already.

As for friends--stop judging them! Mormonism has taught you to judge others, and this is just one of many Mormon traits you will have to get rid of. If you enjoy their company, it is OK to pay. If your friends cross the boundary, and ask for money, or order the most expensive items on the menu, or want you to take them on trips, then you can start to question their motives. Personally, if I don't like someone, no amount of money will buy my friendship.

Get rid of the Mormon idea that a person's worth is measured by their popularity. This is the old "every-member-a-missionary" mindset. The more friends a Mormon can convert, the more valuable that person is as a human being and as a cult member.

Mormons also give you a false idea that friendships can be "instant." In the real world, bonding takes time, so be patient. I'm very skeptical of people who become too close too quickly. I always suspect they're trying to sell me something.

Having money can be problematic. Maybe you need to forget about money, and just enjoy what you friends give back to you in time, attention, conversation, listening, playing, laughing, making the world brighter. Mormon "friends" were never able to do that for me.

Oh, and talk about EXPENSIVE! 10% of your income for life is a very high price for friends, and FAKE friends, at that! I retract what I said--go ahead and take your new friends on a cruise!

I hear you... One thing that I keep in mind when people engage in shunning its that it's really not a punishment to be ignored by assholes. And at its base, shunning is a very assholish thing to do. It's also incredibly arrogant behavior. Basically, they are telling you that you have to think like they do and submit to their ideas of what's right and wrong in order to be "worthy" of their company. I submit that THEY aren't good enough for YOU, even if they do happen to be family.

You say you are a very giving person. Well, there are plenty of people in the world who will appreciate you for your generous nature. There are a lot of folks out there who are high quality, genuine people. You deserve to be hanging out with them. Breeze has some great suggestions on where to find these fine people.

I know shunning hurts. It's happened to me and my husband. His TBM daughters haven't seen or spoken to him in ten years. I only met them once, so it was not as hard on me as it was on him. As time has passed, though, he's realized that he shouldn't have to tolerate their judgmental, haughty behavior. He's a good, decent guy who is loved by many people. If his daughters are too stubborn and narrow minded to see that, it's their loss. The fake people in your life who are too narrow minded to see the great value in you aren't worthy of your attention, either.

Hang in there. It will get better.

Dear Movingonwellkindof,
I get it. And I'd love to be your friend.

A lot of the time we get church investigators here who tell us that they are really not interested in converting, but that they don't want to disappoint the missionaries who have been so nice to them. I think that people-pleasers get sucked into the church and subsequently get used by the church. We've also had tons of people here who tell us that they've had three or four church callings, or they've otherwise been run ragged by the Mormon church. They apparently can't say no. So people take advantage of them. Some people will do that if you let them.

I would say as a young woman that I, too, was a people-pleaser. I think that a lot of young women are or were raised that way. Then life happened. I had to get a job and develop a career. And I discovered that if you are a people-pleaser, the working world will eat you alive. I had to learn how to say, "no" for the sake of self-preservation.

I know that the shunning hurts, but people who shun are not true friends. Shunners have a very rigid criteria for who is and who is not a friend. But you really don't want rigid, unforgiving people as friends. You want people who are loving, forgiving, and tolerant. You deserve that.

I can tell you that when I go out with a friend, more often than not we go to a place we can both afford and split the check. Most people can afford to go out to an ordinary restaurant, or to a movie or a museum. I wouldn't always pick up the check if I were you.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/28/2014 09:26AM by summer.

I think it's extra hard for people pleasers to leave the church.

It's hard to disappoint others, but I also think it a necessary life lesson. In the long run, I think you'll end up having better friends, who respect you more, now that you know how to hold your own opinion/beliefs, independent of social reinforcement.

Try to get involved socially at your new church and see if you can make some better friends. If you don't connect to them, maybe try another church or get involved in the community. Maybe even take some community classes, or get take a regular exercise class at the gym.

You guys are sweet.

I realize I am a total doormat. I know I am a good person and I know I need to do more self preservation. One of my "resolutions" is to take a stand and not let the manipulators of my life manipulate me any more. Not my fav SIL, nor my "friends". And its not that we have money, but that every freaking time I hang out with my friends I am the one to pay. The last time I took my sil to the soa she walked out without even making eye contact with the person you check out with. She just walked out the door, obviously assuming that I already picked up the tab. That made me sad. It was so obvious she doesn't respect me or her bro and it breaks my heart. If we don't pay, then our "friends" are busy. But yet I am always the one that they know has their back and who they somehow can call their BFF? Yeah, right! Any relationship we have in our state are one-way. Stupid cult! That us so due to their being in the church (well, plus other factors.). Okay rant over. I am so glad we ate out! I just crossed the one year mark. :).

I am poor right now. When I am with my bestie she is always running one of her 13 kids around or her grandbabies, and she is addicted to soda. I usually can pull off a soda, but she always insists on paying. I feel guilty, but I try to do other things for her. Dog sitting, baby sitting, I give her stuff that she will use and I will not.

She is tbm and I am a former. She has not left me. She is the only one really though, and I am grateful. I am in Utah and don't have any other real friends anymore. The ones I did that were non-mo moved, and I can't blame them.

So, I teach her how to say no, and she teaches me lots of other stuff, but not about the church. Her hubby works tscc so I give them credit. I don't know what I would do if they had left us.

If you ever take out sil again, make sure you just casually ask for separate checks. I would NEVER assume someone is paying for me unless they said "i want to take you out for a birthday dinner, my treat". Duh.

I am sorry they are like that. Even more so you can't tell your own family. That has got to be hard. Give it some time. It took me a few years to tell some people. Just barely came out on facebook a month ago. I "threw the baby our with the bathwater' on the polygamy thing, though I left 12 years ago. If people can't still love you for you then they were never really friends, or even close family.

Just say no!! I'm sorry I am a bit incoherent so this probably does not make very much sense, but you will be ok. I should have just said that!!!

Now you know why it's a cult, sadly.

Please don't take this badly, but...it sounds like your new "christian" church is doing nearly the same thing; that you're ex-mormons means you're suspected of not fitting in, of having different thoughts, of not toeing the line, so they're treating you badly. To me, that seems just like TMBs treating you badly for not believing exactly like they do.

"Real friends" won't care what you do or don't "believe." They'll care about how you act, towards them and others. It's been my personal experience, both while being in TSCC and after leaving 30 years ago, that you will have a hard time finding "true friends" in any cult, including "christian churches." I could be wrong, but to me it sounds like you sought out another church looking for the kind of "friends" you has as a mormon...you found them. It just wasn't what you were actually looking for.