(I am starting a new thread, I apologize if this is not the correct way of doing this but I figure this was the best way of taking the dissuasion from a few threads I have and pulling them into one to continue the discussion. I apologize that parts of this posting may seem, well, for a lack of better words, mad. I was very angry when typing a good bit of this. I actually had to calm down before I was able to think clearly or communicate in any way that didn't end with me looking like the lunatic. I thank each and every one of you for being as supportive as you all have been. I honestly do not know how I would be able to continue to deal with this drama if I did not have access to a forum such as this where I was able to vent my frustrations, get support, hear from others that they had similar things happen and how they handled it, and also, at times, even though it might not be what I want to hear, it does help to hear from people that they maybe would not have handled a situation in a way that I handled it and they can see the reaction that I got when taking it from someone else's perspective. So again, thank you all. And sorry in advance for the very long post. And angry words. And misspellings I will link my previous applicable threads at the end)
------

My MIL. My dear sweet MIL. At least that is the little act she portrays herself to the world as being. She is a manipulative, selfish, overbearing, boundary stomper. She thinks the world revolves around her and that anything any of her children do or don't do is a direct reflection on her and is a star on her crown or a demerit in her book.

She is the mom that wants weekly updates on her kids and grandkids not because she wants to be as actively involved in their lives as she can be when she lives several states apart but because she wants to have the latest brag to be able to report about while gossiping with the ladies.

I am very very thankful for a husband that is not only able to clearly see his mother for what she is but also willing to stand up to her crap and say enough.

I think a big thing is that now that we both are coming out from underneath the LDS fog that teaches you to suppress your personal feelings for the sake of family harmony and to avoid contention, we are better able, as a couple, to come together with a united front and make it clear that it stops here.

And then, of course, this ... okay, this is where I want to type in a non pg13 word ... this witch had to go tonight and show even more so that she is exactly the type of woman she is.

My husband received an email from his mother, the subject line was "6 Truths" that pretty much said:

(1) She understood that this decision to pull his family away from the "Only True Church" wasn't his, but his wife's and that he was only going along with it because he was trying to keep the peace during what could be her last days.

----- The decision to leave the Church wasn't MY decision. It wasn't HIS decision. It really isn't any of her gosh darn f'ing business who's decision it was. I had some issues/questions/doubts. I eventually found the CES letter. For me, everything changed. I didn't know at the time my husband was having just as many, if not more issues/questions/doubts. He read the CES letter. The decision was made. And she needs to stop with this last days crap. I'm getting really tired of it. Oh my freaking gosh! YES! I am doing chemo & radiation. YES! I have a tumor! It's MINE! His name is Phil! He and I have become very close over the last 3 years. chemo sucks. I'm not on my death bed! Stop making it sound like I am! -----

(2) People with mental health issues like bipolar and that stuff, well the Lord only expects them to do the best that they can with the bodies and circumstances they were given. We were all given bodies according to our faithfulness and worthiness in the preexistence and our Savior's grace will have to cover the shortcomings that came with his wife's body.

----- What the hell is she going on about? No, like, really? I do not have bipolar disorder. (please forgive me, again, I am not bipolar so I do not actually know the correct medical terminology for it, is it bipolar disorder?) I have no idea why she is trying to throw a specific mental health issue that I do not have into the conversation. Full disclosure, I do have a mental health issue. I have PTSD following a sexual assault. I am not ashamed of this. I am receiving help for this. I will not let this define me. I will not let this limit me. I will not let this restrict me. My PTSD has nothing whatsoever to do with OUR family decision to transition out of the LDS church. Why did she even pull this up? I don't get it? And is she trying to say that someone that does have bipolar disorder was somehow less worthy or something in the preexistence and they got a substandard defective model for it? -----

(3) It is important for him to understand that he can't cut off communication with the grandchildren and her husband and herself because, if/when his wife does pass away from this illness, it will be up to them, the grandparents to step in and raise his children while he completes his military career.

----- Um, no. Not even close. Again, I'm not on my freaking deathbed. I think this lady is secretly hoping I die or something. Maybe it isn't even secretly hoping! I guess it is a good thing we live on the other side of the country! But, um, no. In the event that something were to happen to me, no dear MIL, you would not, under ANY circumstance have ANY control whatsoever over our children. This was decided and put into LEGAL PAPERWORK long long long ago. Pretty much the week we brought the oldest child, now 12, home from the hospital, and it has been updated to reflect changes to our life (assets, new child, dog, trust, college funds, funeral and burial request, ect) pretty much every two years. If something happened to me, and my husband was not here (military family) we have local non LDS friends with special power of attorney's to take care of the kids until my big sister can arrive. My big sister has the necessary legal paperwork to be able to take care of the kids until their father is returned home. In the event that something happened to the both of us, they go to my big sister. And she has some very clear instructions after our phone conversations this past month that under no circumstances whatsoever are my children EVER to be allowed to go with grandma and grandpa to be indoctrinated at the good ol' LDS church. So sorry MIL. It seems like you want me to hurry up and die already so you can swoop in and have a second chance at being a mommy but I'm not planning on going anywhere. But if I do, you aren't the backup plan. You aren't even the backup to the backup. Heck, you aren't even on the phone tree at this point after the shenanigans you are pulling. -----

(4) Because grandparents have legal rights in America when it comes to their grandchildren, he had better take a step back and reevaluate his position on dictating what she and her husband would ALLOW as acceptable conversations, gifts and reading material sent to the children. Do not force them to pull that trigger.

----- First, because I don't want us crossing any lines that might get this deleted, please no one give us any specific legal advice. But we already know, in our specific state, with the circumstances that we have (not having lived with the grandparents or the grandchildren not ever having been raised by the grandparents), they have no rights that we, the parents of the children, do not grant them. Her posting this, well, this and #6, this made me see blood. "Do as I say or I will threaten to take you to court and have a judge make you give me access to your kids or take your kids away." That is the threat she just threw down at our feet. Oh heck no. We don't play that game. And I will just leave it at that. -----

(5) He really needed to look at the studies that clearly show that people that play online video games are more likely to become addicted to pornography,become sexual deviants, become violent in their relationships with their spouses, have affairs outside of their marriages, spend less time with their children, have higher obesity rates, suffer from higher levels of depression and have higher rates of suicide than those that do not play online video games. Those that play online interactive video games are more likely to be exposed to the lies of Satan and pulled away from the truth and that the internet can be used for good, like when it is used for indexing, researching for a talking in sacrament meeting using LDS.org or using Skype to stay connected with his grandparents in ND but the internet is full of evil and if you don't guard against that, you are giving Satan a key to your house and a open check to your bank account.

----- I'm not even sure if this deserves any sort of response. I bet studies will show that people that have a tendency to become violent with their spouses also were exposed to water, milk, grapes and, possibly even raisins as a child. We really need to study more the effects of those raisins before we start kicking everyone out of their internet spaceships. And Skype can be a scary place. Trust me! -----

(6) He needed to go back and read more about the story of Jonah and then look back at the last 15 years of his life and maybe see what HF has been trying to tell him. Has he spent the last 15 yeas sitting in the belly of a whale while HF was waiting for him to realize his mistake/sin, to repent and to run back to HIM? Look at all that has gone wrong in the last 15 years! Clearly HF is trying to get his attention! The lights went out in the middle of our wedding ceremony!Your wife's first child died 3 days after he was born! Them she kept loosing all those babies! When you finally did get one, he came out broken! And then you lost more! They tried to blow you up in Iraq! Your wife gets some unheard of tumor in her brain. Your new baby is born with a cyst in his brain and is so behind the school has to send one of the special buses to pick him up every day. Your wife is going through chemo and radiation, they are pumping actual poison into her body. -And then this is an exact quote-Son, you are Jonah! You are in the belly of the whale and Heavenly Father is just waiting for you to realize it! Repent! Cast off your sins! Run back to him! We are waiting for you with open arms!

----- So this one had me wanting to yell, throw things and run her over with a school bus. Something bigger than a school bus. Everything that has gone wrong in our lives is because HF was trying to get my husband's attention from day one that he was going the wrong way, to turn around, and to run back to him. Um. Okay. So if this all traces back to day on, to the lights going out in the middle of our wedding ceremony, that means that HF wants my husband to turn back and repent for everything that happened from that point on? Marrying me? Our Children? Our life? Our everything? Who the hell does she think she is? -----

She then goes on to say that she loves her son and her grandsons with all her heart. (No mention of me) And that his father will be home Monday and will call sometime after they get done with dinner so that we can straighten out all this nonsense, even if it means she needs to come out here and help him get things lined up because his wife seems to be overwhelmed at the moment and his wife's way of dealing with overwhelmed seems to be to turn away from the very things that are there for us to lean on. She ended it with a super sappy testimony and blah blah blah.


It actually pissed me off so much it brought words out of my mouth that I don't actually use often if ever. How dare she! I do not feel I owe anyone a justification for any of my actions. If I wish to explain something so there is no confusion, that is my choice. I should not have to justify the decision to stop attending a particular denomination to anyone! Like who the heck does she think she is! And to write a letter like this! She is trying to put a wedge between my husband and me! She is trying to say, look, I know it's her, not you and these are all the reasons it's her and not you.

My husband was angry. He handles angry differently than I do, which is good, because the two of us both ready to run her over with a bus would probably not have ended well for anyone, even if we do live on the other side of the country. He was mad enough that he said he needed to go take the dog for a run, and it's freaking freezing outside, so he could think. When he got home he showed me the email and then asked if I needed to take the dog for a run to calm down too. I don't do cold.


So, my FIL returns home from his trip tomorrow and was planning to call us tomorrow night but my husband sent his mother and father a mail requesting very restricted contact until we reopened the lines of communication.

His mail said something along the lines of

"Mom's letter was out of line. Until mom is able to understand that this type of behavior won't be tolerated, I have decided to restrict the communication coming in my home, to limit the negativity and toxicity that has been received in large quantities over the last several months"

He told them that, for now:
1) They were both blocked on Facebook.

2) We would send them one e-mail each month that gives a brief summery of what everyone is doing along with a few snapshots taken throughout the month (we already put together this email every month to send to my elderly grandfather living in an assisted living center back home so we can "stay in touch" but keep it simple for him because he has dementia and get confused easily if we go into too many details, so sending a copy of it to them as well is no big deal)

3) All phone calls would be sent directly to voicemail. Phone calls will not be returned unless the voicemail is of an urgent matter. It is more preferred and you are more likely to receive a response if you send a text or iMessage. There will be NO Skype chats. There will be NO phone calls whatsoever with the children. Period.

4) He understood that his father very much enjoyed sending all the grandkids postcards from all the different places he visited on his work trips and our kids really enjoyed getting them. We hope that this would continue. We understand that now that FIL is only working part time, they are spending more time off going and seeing LDS historical sites and are sending their grandchildren postcards from these locations as well with their testimonies shared on the back. Again, while we respect that this is something they deeply believe in, we do not. We do not want these mailed to our children. Continuing to send these after this point would show us that they are not willing to respect our boundaries and will force us to cut off the remaining communications. -Our oldest child is the one responsible for checking the mail so we are not able to intercept the postcards before he sees them-

He went on to explain that he wasn't setting a deadline for how long this was going to last for. When I asked him how long he thought this was going to be for he said that honestly, it could be a few weeks until he cools off and talks to his mom and feels she is sincere in a apology or it may never happen. And he is okay with both options or something in between. He told them that every time they made an unauthorized contact or stepped over a line that we clearly had drawn, they were going to just make this last for that much longer. He made it clear that they could not use other family members to pass along their messages and that would be seen as they themselves doing it.

It hurts me that it comes to this. It really does. I can't help but think that I'm a mom and it would rip my heart apart if my children as adults had to cut me out of their lives. But then again I can't help but think that if I was ever this awful towards my children as adults, I wouldn't have much of a heart to rip apart, would I?

So I guess that is where we are now. I'm pretty certain his dad is going to hit the roof when he gets home tomorrow. I'm pretty sure we are going to be painted as the bad guys in the situation. Well, actually, I'm going to be painted as the bad guy. And I'm sure one or two of his siblings is probably going to just happen to call this week out of the blue to see how we are doing and just happen to mention that they had spoken to their mom and wanted to see if they could help smooth things over.

http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1507426,1508165#msg-1508165

http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1513897,1513916#msg-1513916

But it's so gratifying that you and your husband are facing this together. Stay strong.

I can't offer an easy way out and I can see you're very well aware of every detail and are ready to follow through.

I was talking to my husband today about how TBMs assume they're in charge of non-believers. What gall to assume they know what everyone is thinking and feeling and why. They are the worst most childish and incompetent part-time psychologists ever to spew out a diagnosis.

I'd be tempted to tell them to find other interests and to take a break for six months because you're not willing to sort through any more drama for now. I think what you're doing is more than generous.

Dear Tired;

You are a rational, caring, intelligent, loving woman. Which is why to your TBM mother-in-law you appear to be Satan's Own Handmaid.

You're also a gifted writer.

All Best to you and your husband. I'm glad you have this wonderful site on which to vent.

Wow...

I am really sorry. I did read one of your previous threads earlier, & I think you & your husband are handling this very well, & being much too kind to his parents. You both have incredible patience & tolerance.

First and foremost, I’m glad you and your husband are staying strong in the face of a huge crap storm from this woman. It’s good to see your husband standing up for you, your children and what you believe in as a family. Good on you both for raising your children they way that you feel is right and not letting someone else (or their church) dictate how you do things.

I hope your husband reinforces with the FIL the boundaries that have been set in the e-mail. More over, you as parents should be prepared to follow through with consequences should the grandparents cross the line.

I’m going to be honest; your MIL stating what she did in item #3 is kind of disturbed me. If, like you mention later in your post, MIL asks / demands to come out, I’d tell them hell no. She went over the line into some uncomfortable territory. I’m glad you and your husband have it spelled out what happens with the kids should something happen to either of you. I’d reinforce those plans have been made and they should have no concerns about who gets the kids.

One last thing…and this is just my $.02: Your MIL is demanding and wants to control everyone. She still sees her son as a child and you as a threat to her imaginary control over him and your children. I had an aunt that was this way and she ran off her children. They have nothing to do with her (and neither do the grandchildren).

She then tried to be controlling with my mother (her older sister) dad and my siblings, for some reason. We cut her off as well.

This person is still throwing a “pity party” years later. “My family turned their backs of me…poor old me! Boo-hoo!!!” is basically her battle cry. Don’t be surprised if your MIL (and FIL) do the same thing. Stay strong and don’t let them get their way, no matter what.

If the MIL tries to draw anyone else in to this fight, let her. Hopefully they are smart enough to see your MIL for what she is. If someone want to step in and ‘smooth things over’; just tell them you and the husband are fully capable adults and that everything under control. Rules have set and it is up to the grandparents to deal with it.

Stay strong and if you need anything, we’re here. We’re pulling for you!!!

Edited to add: just took care of some typos...time to go to sleep.



Edited 4 time(s). Last edit at 02/16/2015 06:27AM by Talon Avex.

Wow. She'd rather see you die, leaving a grieving husband and children but returned to TSCC than have you all healthy and happy outside TSCC!

Hope your treatments go well. Good for your husband standing firm.

Make sure that you save her crazy rants on the odd chance that it does get legal. She sounds just crazy enough to try it.

You have a very, very good husband.

Your family will pull through this crazy sh!t from your MIL.

With regards to to number 6 on your mil's list, heavenly father must have a tremendous amount of confidence in you to bless you with so many challenges to help you grow and learn. Like Job, you must be a spiritual giant.

That's the drivel tbms hear when they have extraordinary challenges. Of course, when you're not a tbm, those challenges are God's loving attempt to get your attention and help you repent.

Excellent title for your posting.

The good news in all this mess is that MIL appears to have fired all her ammunition and DH is still standing. What else could she possibly say other than to repeat herself?

As for the legal threat, I would suggest you start keeping a paper trail of all communications including emails, texts, etc. plus your notes of any conversations, just in case.

My wife and I spent most of 2014 and many tens of thousands of dollars helping our DIL successfully defend a custody suit brought by her son's Mormon grandparents.

Peace to you,

JAR

Unbelievably poisonous excuse for a human being. Excellent rules set out by your husband. Good for you both for protecting your kids from this she-devil.

Now hang tough and don't let them breech the castle wall. You know she will have others advocate on her behalf. Be prepared to shut them down without any negotiation.

I hope you are keeping a file of every obnoxious thing she says, writes to you. After any conversation you have with her, FIL or any other toady she sends, make a note of the details of the conversation, facts only, and put it in the file. This file may come in handy down the road in ways you may not be able to imagine now. If kids much later on as young adults question why you cut off contact with their grandparents, you have this file at hand to explain. No one can read the letter you received from her and not realize what a disturbed and dangerous individual she is. Plus re-reading it may stiffen your spin in the future if you ever start feeling sorry for her.

Also in the event that something happened and your sister had the kids temporarily, you MIL's hateful letter would be ample evidence that her (MIL) bid for access or custody was an awful idea. Any judge would shudder at this letter I believe.
Best of luck. So glad you and your husband are a team in this.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/16/2015 09:17AM by annieg.

Thanks for sharing this. Your MIL wins! Mine is bad, but damn.

Mine also wants me dead because she's sure I'm the author of all the evils and troubles in our lives, but she's a lot more subtle about saying so.

She meddled and spread so much of her TBM toxicity that I cut her off completely for seven years. She's still very restricted. She never stops trying.

I'm thrilled that you and your hubby are a team. I think you're being generous and kind to your in-laws.

Say hi to Phil, hope you can say goodbye to him real soon.

I'm so sorry. What a crazy situation!

Mormon or not, that family situation seems crazy to me. By stepping back from that kind of controlling situation, you are doing a good thing for your family.

My family is back east and DH's family is in Utah. My MIL calls the kids once a week on Skype. They talk about what they did over the past week. The kids don't love it, they get bored, but they do it anyway. There is no mention of any type of religion. If there was, that would be the end of Skype. MIL and her creepy husband visit every 9 months or so. They can't help but talk about Mormonism because it's their whole life, but there is no attempt at converting us. If there was, they would not be welcome.

My parents share our beliefs. My mom visits every couple months, my dad maybe twice a year. They call the kids or Skype occasionally. I talk to my parents frequently, but they're not grilling me about the kids, they actually want to chat with me.

They can see pictures or details of what we're doing if I happen to post it on Facebook. Otherwise, there is no updating. No one expects that. These are our kids. This is our life. They are interested as far as normal grandparents should be, but they have their own lives.

I tell you all this so that you will see that you are not being at all unreasonable. Your MIL is crazy. I'm so sorry that you're ill and have to deal with this. I suggest sending her emails straight to the trash. You don't need the stress. You should not have any guilt for taking a big step back from that situation.

My family are not Mormon. We were raised without religion. But even when my Mom doesn't agree with my sister's parenting decisions, she just says, "Oh well. Not my place." She'll tell me she doesn't agree, but she won't tell my sister and she doesn't make a big deal out of it. She just shrugs her shoulders and lets it be. She's a terrific grandma. She just loves the kids and spoils them like any grandma should.

My Mom babysits the kids a lot. When they come here, she doesn't say, "My house, my rules." She honours my sister's rules, even when they're at our house. She knows that she wouldn't like it if her own mother had interferred with her parenting. She gave into her domineering mother's demands to have me baptized in the Catholic Church. After that, I think she made a decision not to let her manipulate her ever again.

Of course if my sister did want parenting advice, she'd ask my Mom and take what she said into consideration. But in the end, anything to do with her kids is her decision, along with her husband's.

My Mom doesn't always agree, but she doesn't interfere. That's how it should be. And my sister has amazing kids, so they're definitely doing something right.

I only say this to show by contrast that, as txnevermo just said, "Your MIL is crazy."



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/16/2015 10:54AM by Greyfort.

Given your health issues and your MIL's behavior, I would cut off *all* communication with her and let your husband deal with her entirely. I'm sorry that you have to deal with that level of crazy, but the nice thing is that you and your husband are on the same page about her.

Focus on your health and your family's welfare. Tune her out to the extent that you are able.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/16/2015 11:07AM by summer.

I agree very much with summer. This is so important. Please do whatever you need to do to focus on getting well: positive people, music, healthy food, husband and son time, dog time...

It would be best if you don't hear, or are exposed to any additional comments from her. She seriously could adversely affect your health. She is clearly mentally ill on the Mormon scale, as we're my parents. They spew(ed) the most hateful statements, in the name of Mormonism. You are no longer their target. Consider yourself free!

Best wishes for health and happiness. (((Healing hugs)))

What about a restraining order? I'd show the police her email and say you feel threatened that she will show up on your doorstep and do something crazy. At least document the threat with law enforcement so it is on record. I personally have never dealt with someone so evil and venomous, so her email really freaks me out. What would seem more important and urgent at this point is to cut off all contact, period. She sounds unstable and could do some damage if given half a chance.

None of this is conducive to your health and well-being. High stress like this could hamper your healing. Don't feel any compunction about doing what you need to do to get better. You need to forget that the in-laws even exist. They need to be dead to you.

Cut her off. Completely. Save yourself a lot of grief and trouble before it has a chance to invade your life.

I have way too much experience living with this kind of psycho, trying to placate, trying to be "nice" for the sake of getting along, only to have my efforts spit on and come back to bite me in the butt.

Listen, she is harrassing you. If she was an ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend instead of his mother, no way would anyone put up with her shenanigans. Her thinly-veiled threats should NOT be tolerated under any circumstances.

Just because she thinks she's somehow entitled to run your life simply because she's a blood relative doesn't make this situation better--it makes it worse, because she'll never give up and she'll justify everything she does because she is your husband's mother.

If she even hints that she might be "coming over" to visit, get a restraining order. Mail her a copy. If she comes to the house, call the police.

Seriously. You're going through a lot right now. Why allow extra craziness into your life just because it thinks it has the legal right to be there?

Who cares who she blames. She is using the threat of blame as a way to manipulate you into doing what she wants. No. Just no. People like this don't need to be a part of your life. She's going to take every little opportunity to undermine and disrespect you to your husband and children.

Honestly, cut her off. She needs to know that she's not the one calling the shots here, you and your husband are. And she's delusional and dangerous until she can understand, admit, and respect that YOU are the only ones who will be making the choices for you and your children's lives.

Let me turn it around and ask YOU: what do you think I should do if my mother-in-law threatened to take legal action to take my kids, and insinuated that I wouldn't be living much longer, simply because I stopped going to church?

Reason #4 would have made me go nuclear. That would have been a *permanent* deal breaker, no second chance for life.

I cut my mother off because of not respecting boundaries. What I did was simply to file her email address in my spam filter. Now if she sends her stupid emails to me, the filter catches them and they never reach my inbox; I never see them, and my blood pressure stays down.

I'm really sorry.

I know what it feels like to be treated this way when what you deserve is love and compassion. Your mother-in-law is sick and she is going to inject nothing but poison into your life. She's crackers. Really really dangerous crackers.

Remember that she is not a mirror of who you are. She's a funhouse mirror except no fun. She is an hallucination of what a mother is, what a grandmother is and you have every right to never look in that mirror again. Sometimes it takes a long time to realize that you have no obligation to be abused. Boundaries are AWESOME and people who can set them are AWESOME because they have learned that they deserve the right to take care of themselves. It's horrible that so many of us don't understand we have that right.

I am happy your husband supports you because if he did not, this would be ten times as painful and maddening.

You can get an anti-harrassment order against this woman if you want to and it would truly drive her nuts but so will just forgetting she ever existed. Total no contact. The cut direct.

I'm really sorry. I know this hurts your heart to its depths when what you'd love so much is her love and appreciation for who you are to her son, which is clearly a lot.

Oh. My. Gord. I can't even. The blaming you for the losses of your children, that people are born "broken" due to their pre-existence...that alone made me almost hit the roof. I have a severely disabled daughter and we lost our third daughter at 5months of age. If anyone had suggested that either of their situations was due to their valiancy I'd probably be in prison right now. My grandmother did blame me for my oldest's condition, saying I didn't drink enough milk or take vitamins, but for her it's like par for the course and yes it has impacted our relationship.

I don't even know what to say. I think cutting them off completely would definitely be in your best interests but I'm also very aware of how difficult that is when it's family. Good grief, I feel for you.

Save that email for when they go to court for their 'grandparental rights'.
It will go a long way to defining for the judge their instability.
Sick, sick, sick. I'm sorry they are putting you through this.

Yes. Grandparents rights are an empty threat as you, OP, found. Doesn't mean she won't give it a go though.
Painful but necessary to secure copies of all her communication with you guys.

I agree, it's time to completely cut her off, and even getting a restraining order if she makes more threats. She should be blocked on social media, and her e-mail address added to your spam filter so all e-mails don't go to your inbox. I know it's hard when the toxic person is family, but it's really better in the long run to cut them completely out of your lives and treat your MIL as if she's dead to you.

Textbook narcissism. If you want to know how widespread and typical-for-this-type-of-person this bizarre behavior is, check out the subreddot raisedbynarcissists. They have great suggestions for how to deal with these people. You have already decided on what they call "structured contact". In super toxic cases like yours, often no contact must be resorted to because cutting them off but not all the way leads to them wiggling and twisting that toehold you left them in a desperate attempt to get further back in. It feels like a challenge to them, and I would not be surprised to hear of a volcanic event on her part in the near future.

Sending in minions to gather info for her is very typical too, these people are called "flying monkeys", sent in to do the witch's bidding.

I hope these boundaries you set are respected, but please do return and report if they are not. My mother is a covert narcissist, great at hiding it, but still very willing to do massive damage. She had me thoroughly convinced I was going insane, until I stumbled upon the raisedbynarcissists place. It sheds so much light and a degree of peace to know what is going on!

Best of luck to you guys! Your husband is a great man for sticking by you, the ones well trained and hoodwinked totally throw their wives under the bus. I wish him a strong spine, and you all the peace and healing you deserve, far from the wicked witch.

HA! What a perfectly fitting term for them! Flying monkeys! Now I must go watch the Wizard of Oz!

Yet another cheerleader here! VERY proud of you and your husband. Chemotherapy can also have an effect on your ability to think clearly and make good decisions. You are SHARP AS A TACK! Stay the course!

If you can't be respected, then be feared. I don't have kids but I can only imagine how scary I'd be if I did and someone tried to mess with that.

I have a brother that finally told my parents, "if you bring up the church one more time, that will be the last time you see us".
Apparently its been working like a charm. It's all his never-mo wife's fault of course. :)

This also bugs me for this reason: When a person is going through chemo / cancer / radiation, maintaining your body & mind in a healthy and stress-free state seems like it would be paramount to successfully navigate through the healing process. Your immune system works better, your decision making process is better, you're better able to deal with the difficult side effects of chemo and radiation, you sleep better, and on and on.

I would really consider having your DH cut off ALL contact with MIL and FIL, if they are not able to take your husband's latest e-mail to heart, and mend their ways.

My opinion is that you should be devoting as much of your energy and time and physical strength towards your own personal health and well being. If your MIL is narcissistically drawing from your critical and precious personal strength well, through guilt and manipulation, I would zap her from your life, at least temporarily. Just because a person demands that they be your priority does not make it so.

Your MIL is the type of mormon that gives mormons a bad name.

I've a stepmonster just like her - and she curdles my blood every time I have to interact with her.

And e-hugs from the inner-tube world. You sound like an incredible human being.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/16/2015 07:03PM by schlock.

Take care of yourself.

Do not answer any of those BS points she made. They are not worthy of discussion, and I think she's just trying to stir the pot and create drama.

The only communication she should get is "You have crossed a line and we will not respond." Tell her you that you will not take phone calls, but you will save every written message or phone message from here on out.

Be careful. This woman sounds like a narcissist. The less you say, the better.

I find it impossible to believe that a woman this evil will ever change. I hope your husband stands firm in the limits he has set because it is impossible that she will respect those limits.

You have too much going on in your life to have to expend any energy dealing with her.

Be glad she has gone so overboard or else you might have been dealing with on going skirmishes in an ongoing basis.

Please keep us posted.

I'm shaking my head in disbelief and shock that a 'Loved One' can spew such venom. Your situation makes me ever so grateful for the inlaws that I have-they were worth the wait.

As much as I enjoy your writing style(and you DO have a gift) I hate that you have to deal with this. While I can't offer any advice,I do recommend another site that may make you laugh and or cry.

Ihatemyinlaws.com

I hope everyone enjoys it as much as I do.

Best of Luck and Healing Hugs

I'm absolutely flabbergasted over the things your MIL wrote to you. So glad you and your husband are on the same page, though; it would be so much worse if you weren't.

I have no advice or words of wisdom - but I think you are handling it much better than I would! I wish you the best with everything you are going through.

Regarding #3. I spent 20 years in the military, many years as a Personnel Administration Specialist, so I have a little expertise I'd like to share.

When a military person is single and has children (or a dual military household), the military parent must have an active Family Care Plan. This is when you designate a person to care for minor children in the case of military deployment. If you do not have an active Military Care Plan, you can be immediately punished and/or discharged.

The military parent designates who will care for his/her dependent minor children. It is a legally binding document and is drafted by a Judge Advocate General and is notarized and updated annually.

The military parent can designate ANYONE THEY CHOOSE to be the temporary legal guardian of the dependent minor children. It is normally a close family member - parents, brother, sister, etc, BUT does have to to be. Your husband does not have to designate his parents in the case of your death. If you die, he also needs to make sure to set a trust for your children with someone else as the trustee so that his parents never get their hands on his life insurance if he were to die.

His parents are not entitled to take care of your children if he is deployed, so please discuss with him and let your mind be at ease in that regard.

Thank you very much for this!

This side of things, his military career and their crap, that side of things is the side that I worry most about. Honestly, I can deal with whatever crap she wants to throw my way because I know we can always just shut the door and change a phone number but I am always worried that a phone call or a letter could start wheels turning that would cause issues for my husbands career.

We were asked, before we started this latest treatment, for him to go in and work out some sort of family care plan so I guess this is what you are talking about. We needed to have an immediate option, as in who takes care of the kids right away, who comes in to care for kids after that and what happens even after that point. It was not very fun to have to put my brain in that process. No one wants to think that way but honestly, I guess it is something every parent needs to do, even if they are 100% healthy.

Love and light to you and yours! I hope "Phil" choses to leave you soon!

YES!!!!!!!! I AM SO PROUD OF YOUR HUSBAND AND YOU! You both are handling this situation so well considering the circumstances. First of all, please do something for yourself. Get a massage, pedi/mani, or anything that you love to take a break from thinking of your MIL and the pain that she would have you feel. I'm so happy for you that your husband is on the same page as you. I had to separate from my ex before he'd stand up to his psychotic mother. (Turns out he was a pathological liar, but that's a post for another day.)

I would be so tempted to tell her that her email was the exact opposite of what the Christ that she pretends to emulate would have written. It was nothing short of the same hypocrisy and self-righteousness of the Pharisees. It was devoid of any genuine love or empathy, the supposed trademark of a Latter-Day Saint. Having experienced her two-sided nature is what allowed your husband to recognize the same duplicity in Joseph Smith and his fraud. If she wants to blame anyone, tell her to take a look in the mirror. If she's unhappy, it's not because her son has left the OTC. It's because she treats the people who should mean the most to her, the worst. (I probably would feel too guilty to send it, but man, it would be tempting!)