(I am starting a new thread, I apologize if this is not the correct way of doing this but I figure this was the best way of taking the dissuasion from a few threads I have and pulling them into one to continue the discussion. I apologize that parts of this posting may seem, well, for a lack of better words, mad. I was very angry when typing a good bit of this. I actually had to calm down before I was able to think clearly or communicate in any way that didn't end with me looking like the lunatic. I thank each and every one of you for being as supportive as you all have been. I honestly do not know how I would be able to continue to deal with this drama if I did not have access to a forum such as this where I was able to vent my frustrations, get support, hear from others that they had similar things happen and how they handled it, and also, at times, even though it might not be what I want to hear, it does help to hear from people that they maybe would not have handled a situation in a way that I handled it and they can see the reaction that I got when taking it from someone else's perspective. So again, thank you all. And sorry in advance for the very long post. And angry words. And misspellings I will link my previous applicable threads at the end)
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My MIL. My dear sweet MIL. At least that is the little act she portrays herself to the world as being. She is a manipulative, selfish, overbearing, boundary stomper. She thinks the world revolves around her and that anything any of her children do or don't do is a direct reflection on her and is a star on her crown or a demerit in her book.
She is the mom that wants weekly updates on her kids and grandkids not because she wants to be as actively involved in their lives as she can be when she lives several states apart but because she wants to have the latest brag to be able to report about while gossiping with the ladies.
I am very very thankful for a husband that is not only able to clearly see his mother for what she is but also willing to stand up to her crap and say enough.
I think a big thing is that now that we both are coming out from underneath the LDS fog that teaches you to suppress your personal feelings for the sake of family harmony and to avoid contention, we are better able, as a couple, to come together with a united front and make it clear that it stops here.
And then, of course, this ... okay, this is where I want to type in a non pg13 word ... this witch had to go tonight and show even more so that she is exactly the type of woman she is.
My husband received an email from his mother, the subject line was "6 Truths" that pretty much said:
(1) She understood that this decision to pull his family away from the "Only True Church" wasn't his, but his wife's and that he was only going along with it because he was trying to keep the peace during what could be her last days.
----- The decision to leave the Church wasn't MY decision. It wasn't HIS decision. It really isn't any of her gosh darn f'ing business who's decision it was. I had some issues/questions/doubts. I eventually found the CES letter. For me, everything changed. I didn't know at the time my husband was having just as many, if not more issues/questions/doubts. He read the CES letter. The decision was made. And she needs to stop with this last days crap. I'm getting really tired of it. Oh my freaking gosh! YES! I am doing chemo & radiation. YES! I have a tumor! It's MINE! His name is Phil! He and I have become very close over the last 3 years. chemo sucks. I'm not on my death bed! Stop making it sound like I am! -----
(2) People with mental health issues like bipolar and that stuff, well the Lord only expects them to do the best that they can with the bodies and circumstances they were given. We were all given bodies according to our faithfulness and worthiness in the preexistence and our Savior's grace will have to cover the shortcomings that came with his wife's body.
----- What the hell is she going on about? No, like, really? I do not have bipolar disorder. (please forgive me, again, I am not bipolar so I do not actually know the correct medical terminology for it, is it bipolar disorder?) I have no idea why she is trying to throw a specific mental health issue that I do not have into the conversation. Full disclosure, I do have a mental health issue. I have PTSD following a sexual assault. I am not ashamed of this. I am receiving help for this. I will not let this define me. I will not let this limit me. I will not let this restrict me. My PTSD has nothing whatsoever to do with OUR family decision to transition out of the LDS church. Why did she even pull this up? I don't get it? And is she trying to say that someone that does have bipolar disorder was somehow less worthy or something in the preexistence and they got a substandard defective model for it? -----
(3) It is important for him to understand that he can't cut off communication with the grandchildren and her husband and herself because, if/when his wife does pass away from this illness, it will be up to them, the grandparents to step in and raise his children while he completes his military career.
----- Um, no. Not even close. Again, I'm not on my freaking deathbed. I think this lady is secretly hoping I die or something. Maybe it isn't even secretly hoping! I guess it is a good thing we live on the other side of the country! But, um, no. In the event that something were to happen to me, no dear MIL, you would not, under ANY circumstance have ANY control whatsoever over our children. This was decided and put into LEGAL PAPERWORK long long long ago. Pretty much the week we brought the oldest child, now 12, home from the hospital, and it has been updated to reflect changes to our life (assets, new child, dog, trust, college funds, funeral and burial request, ect) pretty much every two years. If something happened to me, and my husband was not here (military family) we have local non LDS friends with special power of attorney's to take care of the kids until my big sister can arrive. My big sister has the necessary legal paperwork to be able to take care of the kids until their father is returned home. In the event that something happened to the both of us, they go to my big sister. And she has some very clear instructions after our phone conversations this past month that under no circumstances whatsoever are my children EVER to be allowed to go with grandma and grandpa to be indoctrinated at the good ol' LDS church. So sorry MIL. It seems like you want me to hurry up and die already so you can swoop in and have a second chance at being a mommy but I'm not planning on going anywhere. But if I do, you aren't the backup plan. You aren't even the backup to the backup. Heck, you aren't even on the phone tree at this point after the shenanigans you are pulling. -----
(4) Because grandparents have legal rights in America when it comes to their grandchildren, he had better take a step back and reevaluate his position on dictating what she and her husband would ALLOW as acceptable conversations, gifts and reading material sent to the children. Do not force them to pull that trigger.
----- First, because I don't want us crossing any lines that might get this deleted, please no one give us any specific legal advice. But we already know, in our specific state, with the circumstances that we have (not having lived with the grandparents or the grandchildren not ever having been raised by the grandparents), they have no rights that we, the parents of the children, do not grant them. Her posting this, well, this and #6, this made me see blood. "Do as I say or I will threaten to take you to court and have a judge make you give me access to your kids or take your kids away." That is the threat she just threw down at our feet. Oh heck no. We don't play that game. And I will just leave it at that. -----
(5) He really needed to look at the studies that clearly show that people that play online video games are more likely to become addicted to pornography,become sexual deviants, become violent in their relationships with their spouses, have affairs outside of their marriages, spend less time with their children, have higher obesity rates, suffer from higher levels of depression and have higher rates of suicide than those that do not play online video games. Those that play online interactive video games are more likely to be exposed to the lies of Satan and pulled away from the truth and that the internet can be used for good, like when it is used for indexing, researching for a talking in sacrament meeting using LDS.org or using Skype to stay connected with his grandparents in ND but the internet is full of evil and if you don't guard against that, you are giving Satan a key to your house and a open check to your bank account.
----- I'm not even sure if this deserves any sort of response. I bet studies will show that people that have a tendency to become violent with their spouses also were exposed to water, milk, grapes and, possibly even raisins as a child. We really need to study more the effects of those raisins before we start kicking everyone out of their internet spaceships. And Skype can be a scary place. Trust me! -----
(6) He needed to go back and read more about the story of Jonah and then look back at the last 15 years of his life and maybe see what HF has been trying to tell him. Has he spent the last 15 yeas sitting in the belly of a whale while HF was waiting for him to realize his mistake/sin, to repent and to run back to HIM? Look at all that has gone wrong in the last 15 years! Clearly HF is trying to get his attention! The lights went out in the middle of our wedding ceremony!Your wife's first child died 3 days after he was born! Them she kept loosing all those babies! When you finally did get one, he came out broken! And then you lost more! They tried to blow you up in Iraq! Your wife gets some unheard of tumor in her brain. Your new baby is born with a cyst in his brain and is so behind the school has to send one of the special buses to pick him up every day. Your wife is going through chemo and radiation, they are pumping actual poison into her body. -And then this is an exact quote-Son, you are Jonah! You are in the belly of the whale and Heavenly Father is just waiting for you to realize it! Repent! Cast off your sins! Run back to him! We are waiting for you with open arms!
----- So this one had me wanting to yell, throw things and run her over with a school bus. Something bigger than a school bus. Everything that has gone wrong in our lives is because HF was trying to get my husband's attention from day one that he was going the wrong way, to turn around, and to run back to him. Um. Okay. So if this all traces back to day on, to the lights going out in the middle of our wedding ceremony, that means that HF wants my husband to turn back and repent for everything that happened from that point on? Marrying me? Our Children? Our life? Our everything? Who the hell does she think she is? -----
She then goes on to say that she loves her son and her grandsons with all her heart. (No mention of me) And that his father will be home Monday and will call sometime after they get done with dinner so that we can straighten out all this nonsense, even if it means she needs to come out here and help him get things lined up because his wife seems to be overwhelmed at the moment and his wife's way of dealing with overwhelmed seems to be to turn away from the very things that are there for us to lean on. She ended it with a super sappy testimony and blah blah blah.
It actually pissed me off so much it brought words out of my mouth that I don't actually use often if ever. How dare she! I do not feel I owe anyone a justification for any of my actions. If I wish to explain something so there is no confusion, that is my choice. I should not have to justify the decision to stop attending a particular denomination to anyone! Like who the heck does she think she is! And to write a letter like this! She is trying to put a wedge between my husband and me! She is trying to say, look, I know it's her, not you and these are all the reasons it's her and not you.
My husband was angry. He handles angry differently than I do, which is good, because the two of us both ready to run her over with a bus would probably not have ended well for anyone, even if we do live on the other side of the country. He was mad enough that he said he needed to go take the dog for a run, and it's freaking freezing outside, so he could think. When he got home he showed me the email and then asked if I needed to take the dog for a run to calm down too. I don't do cold.
So, my FIL returns home from his trip tomorrow and was planning to call us tomorrow night but my husband sent his mother and father a mail requesting very restricted contact until we reopened the lines of communication.
His mail said something along the lines of
"Mom's letter was out of line. Until mom is able to understand that this type of behavior won't be tolerated, I have decided to restrict the communication coming in my home, to limit the negativity and toxicity that has been received in large quantities over the last several months"
He told them that, for now:
1) They were both blocked on Facebook.
2) We would send them one e-mail each month that gives a brief summery of what everyone is doing along with a few snapshots taken throughout the month (we already put together this email every month to send to my elderly grandfather living in an assisted living center back home so we can "stay in touch" but keep it simple for him because he has dementia and get confused easily if we go into too many details, so sending a copy of it to them as well is no big deal)
3) All phone calls would be sent directly to voicemail. Phone calls will not be returned unless the voicemail is of an urgent matter. It is more preferred and you are more likely to receive a response if you send a text or iMessage. There will be NO Skype chats. There will be NO phone calls whatsoever with the children. Period.
4) He understood that his father very much enjoyed sending all the grandkids postcards from all the different places he visited on his work trips and our kids really enjoyed getting them. We hope that this would continue. We understand that now that FIL is only working part time, they are spending more time off going and seeing LDS historical sites and are sending their grandchildren postcards from these locations as well with their testimonies shared on the back. Again, while we respect that this is something they deeply believe in, we do not. We do not want these mailed to our children. Continuing to send these after this point would show us that they are not willing to respect our boundaries and will force us to cut off the remaining communications. -Our oldest child is the one responsible for checking the mail so we are not able to intercept the postcards before he sees them-
He went on to explain that he wasn't setting a deadline for how long this was going to last for. When I asked him how long he thought this was going to be for he said that honestly, it could be a few weeks until he cools off and talks to his mom and feels she is sincere in a apology or it may never happen. And he is okay with both options or something in between. He told them that every time they made an unauthorized contact or stepped over a line that we clearly had drawn, they were going to just make this last for that much longer. He made it clear that they could not use other family members to pass along their messages and that would be seen as they themselves doing it.
It hurts me that it comes to this. It really does. I can't help but think that I'm a mom and it would rip my heart apart if my children as adults had to cut me out of their lives. But then again I can't help but think that if I was ever this awful towards my children as adults, I wouldn't have much of a heart to rip apart, would I?
So I guess that is where we are now. I'm pretty certain his dad is going to hit the roof when he gets home tomorrow. I'm pretty sure we are going to be painted as the bad guys in the situation. Well, actually, I'm going to be painted as the bad guy. And I'm sure one or two of his siblings is probably going to just happen to call this week out of the blue to see how we are doing and just happen to mention that they had spoken to their mom and wanted to see if they could help smooth things over.
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