To continu the tread: http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1576991



My first time was right before I got married.

It was a mix of WEIRD, SERIOUSLY???, and awe

I had such low self esteem that I was desperate to be loved, liked, accepted. I wanted to do 'do right' so badly it didn't leave too much space in my mind for any 'what the hell?' thoughts..


Although I clearly remember making the slitting my throat motion and looking next to me at my mother... and she smiled and nodded at me as if to say: "yes..go on..most normal thing in the world..nothing to worry about.."

It was weird.

Once through the veil.. I felt nothing... people looked at me in expectation.. hoping for a big emotional reaction or something I think.. but I felt nothing.. just numb..

And all I could think was:

IS THAT IT!???


After all that hype...

Then I was rushed off to another changing room.. and rushed up some stairs with the old bags shusshing at me: Hurry! they are all waiting!!!..

I was sealed to my husband in a rush... and we were out of there before I knew it...

That does sound so creepy.

Hearing these accounts of temple endowments and knowing they're not made up, make them sound stranger than fiction, but for they're real.

I'm so thankful I did not attempt to get my temple recommend as a TBM churchgoer. There was ample opportunity for me to do that during my young adult years, and I just was reticent and circumspect about it all, even before learning about the fraud part that would lead to my resigning.

Why anyone today would stay in the mormon fraud with all the harbingers involved, defies all logic.

Glad you were able to find your way out, from the darkness to light.

People who stay in the church and go to the temple all the time deserve to lose 10% of their income and have no free time.

I just remember feeling deflated. "That was it?" was my question in the Celestial room.

I was so naive that I just didn't get it.

There was nothing to GET.

(But I felt that way too - it just HAD to be my fault that I didn't feel all spiritually re-wired, yada, yada.)

My sister who is 17 months older than I am got married at least 6 years before I did. I stayed home in Brigham City to help set up the reception (and I couldn't go to the wedding anyway) and she went to get married in the SL temple. They left at like 5 a.m. and got home at about 5 p.m. I took one look at her face and I decided then and there I would take out the endowment BEFORE the wedding day.

I just realized at this moment that I didn't just miss out on her wedding, but the wedding breakfast, etc. There is a lot of stuff we un-endowed miss out on.

But my sister was a CHANGED person after she went through the temple that day.

My dad later told me (also got married in the SLC temple) that they were there ALL DAY and that it was BIZARRE. He didn't go back to the temple until the day this sister got married. He told me this after he realized I was never going back.

How do people really accept this? I'd love to have a serious talk with my mother about it, but even if she were still alive, she probably wouldn't talk to me about it.

go figure, was just to strange for me, no one told me i was going to be so naked and touched so i excused myself and went to the mens room and got dressed in a shirt and pants and shoes and socks and left. a member of our ward came out to talk to me, i just shook my head and said no church does this, and gave him a note for my wife to be who was inside. we decided not to get married that day or any other day one year later she married a older rm.

Here be a man with intense personal integrity and courage. I'd love to shake your hand.

While shaking his hand - What is that?


I'm impressed with the story too. I was just in shock and didn't know what to do, other than go through with it.

+1

I remember the brief horror I felt, that my church would bring threats of grusome deadly "penalties" in to the ceremony and have us all graphically act them out. I had quit my job and given my going-away mission talk at church. So I buckled and went along with it as each new defilement of the human body was acted out. For the most part, either a person had to be in my position or had a marriage planned for that same day as a pre-requisite to even be there. Shame on the church for pulling this on their loyal members.

I make them pay now, every chance I get. All you have to do is tell anyone who is interested, that the church did this to you. When you add the number of converts I taught on my mission to the number of people I 've driven away from the church since I got home, the number of net converts is negative and growing.

Oh to have your courage and integrity at such a young age! I too would like to meet you! I have to ask myself why I didn't react like this...it takes some soul searching and for me maturity!

+1

Am I the only one who fell asleep every single time in the endowment? So much so that the movie felt like a self hypnosis video on you tube!

Every time I read these 'first time temple' threads I feel a renewed rush of gratitude that I was able to find a way out before realizing my TBM dreams - getting married to an RM in the temple.

If I'd managed to get that far and experienced the endowment by the time I'd reached my early 20s (which would've been before the changes removing the gruesome blood oath pantomimes) I think I would've felt like a deer in the headlights, paralyzed by shock at how terrible it was...or worse, suppress any negative feelings and become an expert on lying to myself that the temple experience was a spiritual pinnacle. Those feelings of belonging, of believing the right things, of reinforcing praise from others who've long since learned to stop questioning and convince themselves that black is white - I wouldn't have had a chance. Add in a new RM husband and I'm sure it would've been far less painful to suppress the negative and pretend it was all so wonderful and try to move on.

Either way, just thinking of myself as a very naive TBM young woman who eagerly waited her whole life to get married in the temple and the likely results, feeling devastated/trapped or working extra hard to convince myself it was all worth it. Disaster, either way.

I have a sibling who left fairly recently. When they and their spouse first married they were quite young, but it was during a time when my sibling was not TBM. To placate the TBM in-laws to be, the couple compromised by having a bishop marry them in a secular wedding venue (I remember being impressed at the time that my sibling had managed to keep the ceremony out of a ward house).

That sibling reactivated and after a couple of kids, they decided to get sealed and have their children sealed to them. Being mature adults and parents when they first encountered the temple ended up being the first major crack in their shelves. Neither of them wanted to go back and at first they were cautious in covering that reluctance with excuses, but eventually they discovered they both felt the same way, started to discuss other doubts they'd been having reg. TSCC, and left as a family.

i hung out in the parking lot for about an hour, finially my fiance came out we talked for a few minutes she could not believei was out to leave and she said we were through, i got in my car and cried for about a half hour and drove 6 hours home, was soo embarased i quit my job, and left the area moved about 700 miles away

Did you grow up Mormon? Your parents were Mormon?

What exactly sent you out the door? (Which part?)

I only did dead dunking once, thank goodness!

My first time through was with my seminary teacher. This man I thought knew everything. He told me, if I had any questions he could answer them once we got into the Celestial Room.

Finally after the 5 points of fellowship and everything (pre-1990 changes).

I asked, "Why is the hat tied to the priesthood robe"? He answered, "I'm not sure."

I asked, "What are the three bows on the robe shoulder and the three bows on the hat supposed to represent?" He answered, "I don't know."

"Is the guy with the mallet really going to be there in the afterlife? Is he going to be an angel or spirit? Is he a named angel?" He answered, "I don't know who he represents."

"Does Lucifer really have priesthood robes and aprons to represent his priesthood? Does the priest/minister in the movie represent Lucifer's priesthood?" He answered, "I don't know, it's all symbology."

I knew something had to be up when he couldn't answer one question directly about what was being represented or what symbology was being used for. This guy was not an idiot and knew Adam/God doctrine, polygamy, intelligences being born to spirit bodies, etc... Yet he couldn't give me one direct answer as to what the endowment ceremony was for or what it represented.

I was freaked out. I went the week before my mission and I remember taking the temple prep class. The class was worthless. I had to put on a shield and was like WTF is going on. Then when I started the endowment I was wondering what was in the envelope. I had no idea that I'd have secret handshakes, robes, aprons, or initiatories. I went through in 2003 though so no penalties.

I remember in the mtc we had to go ever week. I made excuses not to go. It freaked me out. I later on was a temple worker and liked it a lot more.

I've since become a freemason and it didn't freak me out at all. I like that you could go through each degree separately so if you didn't like the first part you could peace out. I wish the temple did that...but then again I bet a ton of people would do the first degree and never go back. They gotta get you all at once.

Have you ever seen anyone decide to leave when they asked you if you didn't want to take on the responsibility?

BTW for the sisters when you did initiatories did they touch your nipples or anything creepy? I was thinking about that today.

I left before I was eligble for the endowment. I have some stories I would like to share.

In the Denver temple, I went by myself one saturday at the 3:00 session. Most people there went by themselves or in a small group so it was really awkward. The temple worker asked the man sitting behind me who he would like to baptize? He said he didn't care. Turned out the strange man, his son, and I went to the font together. I was praying and he told me to get up, we went through the bathroom to the font. I was praying when I was waiting and he told me to get up and get in the font. We both got in the water and he asked me if I have ever been here before. I replied Yes. He then moved my hands to his arm. I clenched his wrist and he baptized me. As I finished, his son walked into the font after I stepped outside. As I was tying my tie in the bathroom, I saw the strange man walk into the bathroom and we made eye contact.


The next story happened in the Columbia temple when I went with a temple group. As we were all around the benches by the font, a temple worker came out and gave his speech to the large group. He began to tell us that 90% of the baptisms performed are recieved on the other side. After he said this, I flipped out and caused a scene. I said crazy, cultish things like "Its a miracle, did God tell President Monson or the temple president? I guess the temple president can see on the other side of the veil." I said this why walking around the room and it freaked everyone out. The temple worker slowly finished his talk and left the room.

As I was standing outside with my group, I saw him lock the front door of the temple from the inside. I stared at him in the eye and he asked me if I needed anything or wanted to back inside, I told him no.

I forgot to mention about the Columia temple. After I finished my baptisms, I walked to the bathroom and grabbed a towel. After I finished wiping the water from my face, I looked up to see about 6-8 guys or so waiting in the bathroom. They all made contact with me and I was smiling because I was brainwashed. They asked me if I was ok and I said yes. After I said this, they all left.

i was a convert in my mid 20's , the inititiory touchy feeely thing creaped me way out, that is when i excused myself, the guy doing it to me looked stunned like well this has never happend before and i did not stop to listen to anything he had to say.

i just figured it was cultish and not sexually correct or something to that effect

I never did attend other than to do some baptisms for the dead. Had I gone to be endowed, the initiatory would have creeped me out. I'm pretty sure I'd have run away and tried my hardest not to cry in front of anyone. I would have sobbed once I got out of there. They never would have gotten to the point where I put on the poncho. I did not know things like that happened at the temple. Now that I have heard about it, I think it's disgusting.

I had some issues due to modesty being stressed so much and also due to nobody acknowledging my body image issues. I had surgeries and scars that nobody else did at a young age. Nobody ever seemed to understand and when I'd say something they would just say it was no big deal and not have an actual conversation with me about how I felt. All anyone ever really said was that I would have a perfect body in the celestial kingdom.

I've done Baptisms at a bunch of different temples, but My shelf broke when I was like 14... I was never made for the church. I ask way too many questions.

I found out what happens in a temple ceremony for the first time when I was like 15, reading off links from this site. So I knew it was fucked up just by reading about it. From then on whenever people talked about the temple I always thought "you pricks aren't telling anyone ANYTHING about what actually happens inside a temple, you're being vague and disingenuous because if you actually told people anything they would be freaked out".

I know this is off subject but why the hell was the first thread closed? Do the administrators just close threads after they get a certain amount of replies? It's not like their was anything wrong with topic, I've seen it many times on this forum. I see threads get closed all the time for no reason, there have to be half a dozen on the front page alone.

Threads generally get closed after 25 to 30 replies.

You can always continue a thread, just post the link to the first one, because it just makes it easier on the rest of us.