Posted by:
ThinkingOutLoud
(
)
Date: November 24, 2014 12:37PM
The hardest part of living overseas, for me, was not only being far from all that is familiar and worrying about a constantly traveling husband and a kid who was not sick a lot but had some issues while we were away; it was the trips home during the holidays.
The stress, the travel itself, weather delays, not getting along but sometimes being forced into close quarters with, others who are related to you that for family or other reasons, you have to reign in your mouth or thoughts around, etc.
I've talked about this before here. My sister who died last tear was a drug addict and alcoholic, mostly in the throes of her addiction all of her teen and adult life. My mother was her enabler. Her kids were all in severe straits of different kinds due to the way she "raised" them. But at holidays or any trip we made home, my mother emotionally, manipulatively and very urgently/insistently, wanted us all to play happy families. It never ever worked.
Every trip was a disaster, a fight, an emotional upheaval. We just finally had to say we weren't doing it her way anymore, or putting up with it and gave several concrete, explicit examples as to why not. Our relationship suffered. I was blamed for not being accepting of my sisters issues and for stirring up trouble where none existed, according to her. My sister and I had very ugly words (nothing at all new from her as she was under the influence and has always been pretty vulgar); my husband after 20 years of negotiating, cracking jokes, talking soothingly to all to try and bring things down a notch finally just said, that's it were done. You don't respect us or treat us well and our son, we, don't deserve this. No one does and I don't know why you just refuse to see that what you are doing is hateful and wrong. We're over it. Argue amongst yourselves from now on. We left and went back to the hotel, and did not see any of them again during that trip home.
It caused problems for my child. I tried to get my mom alone prior years to come visit our overseas home; we asked her again to do this now or the following month, our treat. No go. She wouldn't or couldn't, first because it would be unfair to my sister not to get an international trip(!), and also as she had to watch her house, her car, her things and my sister's youngest like a hawk, to keep drugs away, her criminal friends out of the house, a theft or abuse from occuring.
At that point we said if you want to see us you will, if you don't, you won't. It's that simple. But we are not putting up with this maudlin farce (plus her over the top religious goofy wailing talk made her voice so shrill and crazy that we told her we just could not discuss anything rationally with her at this point, which was the cherry on top; she began ranting and raving hysterically about Jesus, blah blah blah).
I told her I am an adult with a child of my own; you did not allow your parents and their abnormal behaviors to get in your way and direct your upbringing of us as children, and I am not letting you and yours get in mine. These are the rules for our visit; if you are ok with them, fine, if not, our visit will be brief or not take place at all.
We didn't talk for months; sad, depressing and upsetting for me. I'd get nasty voicemails that when my husband heard them, he'd say that woman gets no contact with our son. Then suddenly and slowly, over time, I started getting a text here and some nicer emails and calls. My son talked to her on the phone and Skyped her, with me in the room only, etc.
We've talked some about the problems and while things are not ok, and may never be as the damage is just too deep and continued in for so long, my being insistent on my concerns being acknowledged and me insisting on my terms for talks and visits, has helped.
I would not suggest you pick at any wound or bring up any incident or issue you are not ok with erupting all over the place during your visit. Holidays are stressful for everyone and sometimes too much togetherness is explosive. Limit your exposure to the insanity/the people who are toxic to you. Get plenty of test, take your vitamins and drink plenty of water and don't overdo it in traveling too far for too long, or stretching yourself too thinly, doing too much for too many people. Make a safe base somewhere and a plan for escaping to it, you can easily execute on your own, and listen to your instincts; if you think it's getting ugly or going into territory you are not comfortable entering, then don't.
Just make some excuses, leave politely and quietly, and let them discuss you after you're gone.