Posted by:
going anon this time
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Date: November 24, 2014 03:43AM
I'm going through something similar, and I understand the mixed emotions.
My covert narcissistic mother's health is failing fast. First, there is the guilt of not having been there much for her in the last few years. But whenever I gave a little, she made more and more requests. Unnecessary requests. She COULD get a ride to the Doctors' office for the 5th times this month, but she'd rather have me take her. She actually explained to me how much money ($20) and time (30 minutes) it saved her. She didn't ever offer to pay my gas, or give a second thought about asking me to give up 3-4 hours of my day to save her those 30 minutes. And she had a LOT of appointments. Mostly unnecessary ones. Until I stopped taking her.
Both me and a local sibling had to pull back because it felt like she would take over our lives. My sibling practically had anxiety attacks every time my mom called. Mom ONLY calls when she wants something. There is no real emotional connection, no concern for us or our kids. While she dumps all of her pain and suffering all over anyone who will listen, she is incapable of offering support or empathy or advice for any problems WE might experience.
One of my other siblings had my parents live with them for over a year. After which they abruptly moved them into assisted living and moved out of state. I get it. I really do. I recently found out that my BIL had to go to counseling to deal with living with my mother.
Although I wouldn't call her abusive, my mother definitely plays mind games. And she triangulates people to get what she wants using social pressure and guilt. I've had a few of the guilty thoughts you have. In the last week, I've experienced shock, grief, sadness, guilt and anger. I DO think it will be a relief when she goes.
Her life is misery for her, and for many who are trying to care for her. Her life is defined by pain, suffering, complaining about everything possible, rudeness to those she considers to be below her (staff and kitchen people), and the supposed neglect by others, her own helplessness, and being overwhelmed by any and every thing she has to do for herself. I understand that old age is hard, and that it's miserable. But normal, kind people don't milk that for all it's worth.
Do you know what an emotional vampire is? I do. Most people, even in the family, have NO IDEA what she's really like. They think she's a darling, a saint. And she is when she wants to be. And, like you, I know that if I told them, they would think I was a horrible person.
She has sowed the seeds of discord between siblings and extended family by playing the neglected mother. I don't actually know if she is TRYING to cause tension. I think she's just trying to generate sympathy and attention. And to get what she wants. But I'm sure most of the family thinks I'm not a very good daughter. And there's nothing I'll ever be able to do about it.
Just this week, she complained to my brother, who lives hundreds of miles away that she couldn't get to the store, or get an item she needed, and that they weren't feeding her well in her facility, etc, ad nauseum. He got all concerned, emailed the family, implied that we local family needed to be doing more for her. Thanks, Mr. Armchair quarterback.
Either she losing it, or she intentionally stirred him up. I had asked her just the DAY BEFORE if she needed something from the store and she couldn't think of anything. I felt like I'd been thrown under the bus. But that's her way: don't ask for what you need from the people who can get it for you. Instead, play the victim and COMPLAIN that nobody will get it for you. Do this to someone who can judge and pressure someone else into it. It also has the nice side effect of pissing off people at each other.
Here's what my sister told me about my mother, and I'm telling it to you: Whatever you do at this point, her suffering is going to end soon. But YOU will live on. Do what will make YOU feel better in the long run.
Now in my case, I know my mother's physical needs are being met. I don't know what your situation is. But if you can get someone else to take over the day to day care, then do it.
Don't do anything that will create more suffering for YOU. That includes stirring the pot with relatives, who just won't get it, and that includes allowing your mother to mistreat you. She's put you through enough already. I guarantee, you don't OWE her anything. If you stand up to her now, it might start to heal you. If she's treating you badly, tell her to stop and/or walk away.
Do you have her in Hospice care yet? They can help out with her care, and offer counseling to her and to family (you). If she has medicare, this is covered. I know someone who died in a hospice facility that provided 24/7 care, but most people stay at home.