Posted by:
jefecito
(
)
Date: November 25, 2014 04:49PM
I'm going through this right now and have several thoughts.
- You probably both need to go through a grieving process before being able to figure out what's next for your relationship with clear heads. (I'm starting some therapy for that very thing this week, if you ever want to exchange ideas about it we could chat offline.)
- I am worried my marriage can't be saved because my wife cannot fully trust me. Her view, if not consciously, is that I am being influenced by Satan. And if I don't follow prophets or comply with the idea of commandments, then I am capable of ANYTHING, so she feels very at risk. She doesn't get that a person can have ethics and values without those being dictated. In turn, I cannot fully trust her, because she just doesn't get me. We are so far apart in our outlook that I can't connect with her and would prefer to connect with someone else. We started couples therapy to see what can be worked out. Maybe it's possible, but I don't know yet. It sounds like you have similar challenges.
- It might get to the point that you need to play hardball. It is probably illegal for her to leave the country with your kids without your permission. You may need to let her know if she leaves then she leaves the kids behind. I realize this could become counterproductive in many ways, especially thinking of the interest of your children, but it's a move to consider at some point.
- While searching for an appropriate therapist for us recently, I came across people who were willing to do therapy by phone or skype. I can dig up a couple of those, if you are interested. (I have been dragging my heels big time to get started with this because for me, working with a therapist is worse than getting my teeth drilled.) Here is a link for a service that pairs secular therapists with clients who don't want to work with someone who has a religious bias. I corresponded with a few people from here that seemed great (ultimately went with someone my wife found though).
https://www.seculartherapy.org/- Here are two articles on how therapists can screw up your marriage and how to vet one before making a selection. We followed the advice and it was well worth the effort.
http://www.hamft.net/images/uploads/BAD_AND_GOOD_COUPLES_THERAPY_handouts.one_day.2012.pdfhttp://www.drbilldoherty.org/pdf/howtherapists.pdf- This is tough and should never have happened to you, your wife or your children. If not for the lies, deceipt and betrayal of TSCC, you wouldn't be dealing with this. Sad.
- I keep reminding my wife that blaming each other can't help us get to the best solution, whether that is staying together or splitting up. It sucks, but it just happened, not because either of us is bad. Sort of like cancer suddenly striking one or both of us.
- In case it's of interest, I gave my wife the following analogy when she kept arguing that *I* am the one breaking our marriage contract and therefore I am responsible for any collapse of our family.
Assume DW owns a toy store and I am a supplier of toys that I source from (you guessed it) China. We sign a contract whereby I promise to supply a quantity of toys at an agreed price in perpetuity. All is well until I happen upon a study by a scientist with evidence that the toys are toxic to children who use them, but toxic in a way that people can't at first perceive.
I'm alarmed because this is my business and I also have a contract to honor. However, I decide that, due to my integrity, I cannot continue supplying the toys to DW's toy store. I notify her of my findings and am surprised when she says she doesn't want to know what was in the report. I say I am not pushing my conclusions on her and can provide the report so that she can evaluate it herself and make her own conclusions. Sadly, she responds, "my customers are happy. I see the joy on their faces when they play with the toys and they keep returning to buy more. This is a terrific product and I want you to keep your promise of providing it to me. I'm not interested in looking at your report because I *know* the toys are good."
It would be clear to any third party that I should re-evaluate my commitment to the contract despite my original promise due to new information I have that was not available when I signed the contract. The fact that DW will not evaluate the new information does not change the ethics of whether I can honor the contract.
This analogy got through to my wife and she says she's thinking about it.
Good luck. Please let us know if you find anything that helps your marriage.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/25/2014 05:29PM by jefecito.