As a tbm, my purpose in life was pretty clear, and I did a good job of aligning my goals and objectives with the Church. At the time, I wasn't worried about wasting my life away because I knew I had an eternity to catch up on the things I missed out on. Needless to say, my perspective changed a bit when I realized the church wouldn't be able to fulfill its promise of eternal life for faithful members.

After realizing one non-Kolobian lifetime is all I get, I made some changes to try and find some personal fulfillment. Most significantly, I recently got out of the rat race and started a new job which I greatly enjoy and which affords plenty of time for me to pursue personal interests. Consequently, I am now making plans for the next 5 to 10 years of my life in hopes of finding some personal fulfillment.

As a starting point, I plan to spend more time outdoors hiking/backpacking and conducting research since I find both of those activities fulfilling. Also, I would like to improve my relationships with my wife and children since that would be key to my personal fulfillment. However, my apostasy has had a negative impact on those relationships, and I'm not sure how feasible it is to restore them - particularly my relationship with my wife since I can no longer meet her expectations for a righteous priesthood holding husband.

As I make my plans for the future, I was interested in learning what others have done to find fulfillment after leaving the church. So with that, I'll ask the fine folks at RfM, how have you found personal fulfillment without the church?

I found life. I was living a half life thinking I was pursuing a real life with a loving wife.

What I didn't know was there was so much more about human existence that I didn't know. I used the Mormon god to fill my gaps, followed their programs, and was miserable.

I thought it was just me. I had rebelled. I didn't get with the programs all the time. I constantly doubted.

But when I discovered the illusion and illusory life Mormonism promoted was a sham concocted by a religious huckster I was forced to look at what life is. What are the facts. What was all that philosophy I had skimmed about??? It was from men not God/gods. Could I trust it now that my old Mormon god was dead?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/30/2015 05:12PM by Elder Berry.

"I found life."

That says it all.

Maybe you will find out who you really are. Maybe you will find a cause that you feel passionate about, maybe you will develop a talent you long ago set aside because it interfered with homemaking.

Maybe you will love genealogy to find out where you came from not just to do temple work. Maybe you will spend time getting to know your family. It is up to you.

"I found life."

Yep, that's my goal. Still trying to figure out how to do that without the church, but I'm excited about the possibilities.

Maybe what you were looking for was a little guidance with these?

"However, my apostasy has had a negative impact on those relationships, and I'm not sure how feasible it is to restore them - particularly my relationship with my wife since I can no longer meet her expectations for a righteous priesthood holding husband."

I didn't try to maintain them. If they didn't like the "new" me it would be too much work and too much crazy managing on my part to restore them if I even could do it.

The relationship with your wife is complicated. You are forcing her to choose between church and family.

I hope she makes the right not righteous choice.

The relationship puzzle is my biggest challenge, and any guidance is appreciated. However, it's also an area where I feel I have little control since the church is a fundamental part of who she is and who I am not. Consequently, when it comes to finding personal fulfillment, I don't want to put all my eggs in the relationship basket. In my heart, I still hope our relationship will return to the way it was, but in my mind I know that isn't realistic. Still, I can say that I think my wife is awesome and there is no one I would rather be with. She has a lot of positive qualities and she overlooks my negative qualities (except for the righteous priesthood holder thing).

My "goals" vary from day to day, year to year (except some of the "big" ones, like taking care of and enjoying my family).

It doesn't matter to anyone else what they are. They're MY goals, that I came up with. They're not some nonsense imposed on me by a cult. That's what matters :)

That's the transition in my thought process. Before, my goals were:

1. Read Book of Mormon again (for the umpteenth time)
2. Make sure kids get married in temple
3. Find more conscripts who will contribute to the church's coffers

It's nice to finally experience the freedom of making goals based on what I want, not what is dictated by an organization making false promises and threats about my eternal well-being.

...by going to some low-end, low-budget establishment.

https://www.homewetbar.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/10714551_10152871511784631_6521427668046814891_o.jpg

I had always been really passionate about travel. Traveling as a Mormon sucked. I never really got to experience the people and places I visited because I was too busy following rules about what I could drink, what I could do on a Sunday, who I could date, etc. I also failed to really try to understand what I was seeing because the Mormon worldview is so distorting.

A couple of years after becoming free from religion, I spent several months traveling. It was incredible to be able to fully immerse myself in the experience with an open mind and the freedom to try anything.

How on earth does anyone find personal fulfillment *in* the church?

Unless your goal is to be a sycophantic, obedient, passive-aggressive, kiss ass, there is no fulfillment.

That church impedes everything that is good and natural. Curiosity and exploration are subject to controlling guidelines whose very purpose is to halt personal growth.

Life begins with the ultimate baptism: being cleansed of Moronism.

"in the church" fulfillment for me was anything but. I hated church. I hated the morgue leadership. I was so happy when the truth started coming out on the internet. Now I feel fulfilled doing my hobbies, bettering my career, spending so much more time with family, and relaxing. I could never relax in the church - always another boring meeting to put the monkey suit on for. Mormonism sucks the fulfillment out of life.

I think I had always felt Mormonism was a roadblock to my personal fulfillment. I knew what I wanted from life, and it was nothing like Mormonism. Once I stopped wasting my time in the church, the rest was fairly easy.

I agree with the posters who say that one can not find personal fulfillment within the Mormon church. It was actually impossible for me, as a female, as a single divorced working mother.

Elija, you, yourself, gave the best piece of advice: "...When it comes to finding personal fulfillment, I don't want to put all my eggs in the relationship basket.

I 100% agree with you!

If you're looking for "personal fulfillment", you must pull back from trying to please others all the time. This sounds trite, but you need alone time to figure out who you are. I was sick and tired of Mormons telling me what I should like (cleaning the church together was supposed to be a joy) and what I should not like (everyone who plays hooky from church obligations is sorry and guild-ridden). I should love JS and the BOM, and I just didn't. I could never relate to 12 old-geezer men who wouldn't give women the rights to the priesthood and who believed in polygamy in the hereafter.

What I'm saying is--what part of Mormonism was ever just for you, as an individual? Look back on your most pleasant memories--those times of laughter, the breakthrough moments of enlightenment, the times you felt the very closest to your children. Did any of those golden moments happen at church? If you had every Sunday free, what would you do?

When you take time to look inside yourself, you will realize that you have been the same person all along--only growing and learning. Now you have grown out of the cult.

Cult members want us to believe that pleasure = evil. Seeking happiness = self indulgent evil. They teach that you can't attain "true happiness", without suffering. (The cult will tell you exactly what "true happiness" is--and its one size fits all.) They want you to believe that your family can't be together, without sacrificing your time and resources, and spending too much time apart. These are the types of lies that derail you, until you don't know who you are or where you are going or even what you want. At least you are no longer a prisoner of these lies. Congratulations!

1. Don't think of leaving the cult as a gain, and not a loss. You have gained freedom, Love, Truth, the respect of your children (children sense it is all BS), peace of mind, integrity, a but more money, free Sundays, a more optimistic life view, and (if you are seeking it) a closer relationship to a more loving God.

2. Live in the moment. You are concerned about goal-setting, which is good for business and supporting your family, but for personal happiness and fulfillment, enjoy the now, more. You don't know what your wife will do, but enjoy her while she is still your loving companion. Enjoy the stages of development your children are going through--and don't anticipate missions or marriages or shunning just yet.

Follow your own heart, and if you like to set goals, set them short-term. Maybe those awful things won't happen to you, down the road. Much of it is Mormon threats and bullying. You will find great fulfillment in not letting the cult ruin your life.

DO, DO, DO think of leaving the cult as a gain, and not a loss!

(Sorry, I wrote it backwards--still recovering from Thanksgiving weekend.)

Whew - close call! I was just about to go back to the cult :)

Thanks for sharing your thoughts Breeze.

Ask yourself what activities you've most enjoyed. Ask yourself what are your interests, what problem in the world means the most to you, if you had a million dollars what would you spend it on. Then find a charity, or group of like minded individuals on the internet and try it out. I wanted to make quilts. Now I facilitate two groups making quilts for the Linus Project, and I'm loving it. I make it possible for Seniors to feel useful, and provide quilts for children in crisis. Find your passion, and life will be fulfilling.

ABUNDANTLY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whatever I want to do, it is always better without MORmONISM in the way.

In MORmONISM there is always a designate credit taker - the darling MORmON PRofit and his MORmON ASSpostHOLE cohorts who are always beloved no matter how much they mess up (LIE). And, there are the designate people to endlessly blame and goad for more, no matter how bad or how well that things are going. I was definitely in the latter classification. Life is better with out being the designate whipping boy for a group of endlessly demanding (MORmON) predators.

At least in my case I think the better question is

"how did I find personal fulfillment within the church"

Answer I didn't . HOw does anyone?

I have it now in abundance and I don't feel guilty about it.

You have to develop a certain amount of egocentricity, assess your personal needs, and then put them ahead of everything else.

You have to recognize that you actually do not need external endorsement to feel fulfillment.

Perhaps recognition of projects that enhance your persona would be of assistance.

They kept me going at a time when I didn't feel like it. They will always be the most important part of my life.

My boyfriend, the one I should have married. It just took an extra 28 years to get there.

My dogs. All my dogs. They have added something to my life that I will never understand.

My ex. Yes, hard to believe, but we were in this together.

My family. As difficult as they can be sometimes.

I get a lot of satisfaction out of my job. I've done the same thing for 29 years now and I still like what I do and I get to work at home on top of that. I always find great satisfaction in a job well done even if it is cleaning the house.

Oh, and a sports car.

I took my power back and owned it. I gave myself to allow my new world view to evolve. It was about discovery starting officially in 2002, but the ground work had been done in the three or so years before.

I was retired and did not work anymore after I closed down a small business in Elder Services.

Initially I took classes in Adult Education at a local college that took up a lot of my time for a couple of years and was very fulfilling.Took me out of my usual world completely.
Then I started a chapter of a woman's social group which was great fun! I planned luncheons, took dozens of photos, made hats and yard sale and thrift store shopped for outfits and accessories. That kept me busy meeting lots of great women for over a couple of years.
I also spent time traveling and spending time with my family and grand children.

Then I spent a couple of years or more working with my husband getting our retirement home ready to move into permanently.
Through all of this time, I found that I did not need the church for anything. In fact, it was a hindrance in way too many ways.
No other choice I ever made has given me such depth of freedom, and peace of mind. It's all about gratitude, appreciation, finding the joy and recognizing it. It got me to 50 years of marriage and celebrating at a wonderful event planned by our children Aug of 2012.

My husband passed away in Jan of 2013. As a widow, I've learned that I am very comfortable with myself, love talking to my family and spending time with them when we can. I've just become a great grandmother! I'm very grateful that I have lived that long for that very special event.

how does one find personal fulfillment without a giant lamprey sucking out your brain ?

yah, that is basically what I was getting at (LOL)

When you were in the church the church told you what would fulfill you. That is not personal fulfillment.

Personal fulfillment is what you find that fulfills you as a person. Nobody can tell you what will fulfill you.

I find it by rolling over, looking at the Sunday morning clock, and then closing my eyes and falling back asleep. I then get up, make some coffee, sit on the front porch and watch the handful of TBMs in my neighborhood scurry off to church, five minutes late as usual.

I definitely never found any kind of fulfillment IN the church! I was told that spirituality and faith should make me happy or whatever, but it never did. And I honestly don't know how anyone could have found "fulfillment" with nothing but boring, repetitive meetings and messages. How can blind faith and obedience bring anyone happiness? It's always been a mystery to me.

Thanks for this information. I concur with the comments made by all posters here. I joined the cult at 14 years old and was the only member of my family in that ridiculous place. As a high achiever I was starving for meaning and fulfillment. I was led to believe that the cult could provide all the answers and solutions about fulfillment not only for this life but also the next one. I was a TBM for 36 years. Now that I learned the truth that I was repeatedly lied to, sabotaged my family relationships, and wasted decades of my life, energy, money, and opportunities living in essentially what was really a scam, a desert of deprivation and misery, I have had to redesign my life extensively. It's definitely overwhelming because my world view was so enmeshed with the non-sense.

I come from a military family and as I have tried to reconcile what I experienced there, to use an analogy, I reflect on the thousands of soldiers who fought in the Vietnam War all the time knowing America had no business being in a losing war, but they pressed on anyway. My brother served there and he never talks about it.

I think talking is very important and that is what I appreciate about RfM so much. A safe forum to evaluate, cleanse and learn about own's soul and life free from the cult. Seeking out new, healthy people and places to evaluate and learn new ways of living is key for me. Not that I didn't do that before, which helped me when I saw the light of truth so I could throw out the cult from my life, but now my research and experiences are deeply purposeful with the desires, goals and needs to drink fully of the life I want to live and enjoy and celebrate. I owe that to myself. To me it is about learning to love ourselves in healthy ways AS we are to love others. The morg never taught us how to love ourselves. Doing that now is very fulfilling.

I think there are different stages of development in exiting the cult, similar to going through the stages of grief. 36 years of my life are gone and dead to me. So my experience now is about creativity. Much is new and mindfully filled with hope and truth. It's about writing not only a new chapter of my life but a new book about happiness, fulfillment and truth and why that matters to me.

I have always loved my Lord and now that I left the lies behind, my relationship with Him is much deeper, realistic and more fulfilling. He is opening new doors of possibilities and healing that I never knew were there. I think one of the worst offenses in the cult is the lie that they control your relationship with God, heaven, your family, and eternal life. The cult not only runs your life, but your marriage and family. If you are seeking fulfillment, their chains of control need to be removed in all these areas. Your whole family unit needs to be liberated, not just you. Professional help from non-lds sources may be one option to seek.

I also had to come to grips with the reality that on a spiritual level, instead of Christ being our Mediator and Advocate with the Father who went before us to prepare a place for us in His Father's mansions, the cult removed Christ out of His roles. I am convinced the cult is the anti-Christ. What satisfies me now is knowing that I let go of their false mental chains of narcissistic doctrine and understand my Savior in ways I didn't before. I love truth and being committed to living a truthful, authentic life is what fulfills me now and is the foundation for all my choices.

Like unbelievable, I've developed a closer faith walk than what I'd known as a LDS. It hasn't made my life "easier," and my leaving Moism has in a way become more of a challenge because life isn't so neatly laid out and compartmentalized as Mormons liked us to believe it was. It isn't all black or white, all or nothing thinking.

I'm happy with the mystery. I don't have to have all the answers, despite not knowing with absolution one way or another.

I've experienced the love of my Creator in my short years on this earth in more ways than I can count. It's both tangential and intangential; that understanding in itself brings me personal fulfillment the world cannot provide.

I identify it as an inner peace and sense of joy that belies any logic or reason. Learning to embrace my sense of childlike wonder also helps me to live more fully in the moment.

I find fulfillment in being with my family and close friends. If you've followed my birth family story this past 8 months, my heart is very full right now. To know that I am loved is all I require.

Ron Burr

I think while I was in the church it was something more akin to feeling "self righteousness". I belonged to the one true church and lived differently, better, than my neighbors. But that was a bad thing. You were never supposed to feel like you were doing okay. If you did, then you weren't humble enough and would be judged accordingly.

I think I still feel self righteous. Like, I was totally right to leave the LDS church and I'm proud of my liberal beliefs. I'm not the exact person I'd like to be, but I'm okay and I'm trying to be a better and smarter person. I'm no longer afraid, though, of being judged with eternal consequences.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/01/2015 11:14AM by seekyr.