I need some advice. How do you all cope with the anger that comes from feeling like your significant other has chosen the church over you?

Recently my active spouse tried to "leave" the church. But the pain of letting down his family and friends was so overwhelming for him, he decided to go back, like back 100% - calling, tithing, the whole deal.

I get that this is HIS spiritual journey. But it doesn't feel like he stayed for any spiritual reason. It feels (to me) that he stayed because he wanted the bishop and his mother to approve of him more than he wanted to be with me and follow the truth.

DISCLAIMER: I am sure I'm being unfair. I know hat this choice is not about me. I don't know the inter workings of his soul, maybe he stayed for very good spiritual reasons. I should be grateful we aren't getting a divorce. But I *feel* so angry.

My anger is consuming me. How do I let it go?

Here's a recent thread covering some of the same issues and might be of benefit to you: http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1460003

Thank you for the link.

You just did to some degree. Venting on RfM is good because anything you say is accepted. If you need to say it out loud, like really loud, then go out to the middle of nowhere and yell until you're hoarse.

BTW, my wife chooses church over me. You are not alone.

Thank you. I feel alone a lot - thanks for reminding me that others are fighting the good fight.

You sound very kind and so willing to admit that you can't know the inner workings of his mind. I think anyone would be spitting mad in your situation. I'm mad that my hubby pretends to be "just inactive" to his family. That's pretty minor compared to being TBM. A good counselor is hard to find, but could be super helpful. My non-professional opinion is that your anger is normal and healthy. It's just what to do with it. Will it dissipate over time? Will it harm you or your relationship? That's where I can see that posting here might not be enough.

Some anger is justified and a healthy response to certain situations. But Mormonism taught us anger is always bad (especially if you're female), that it needs to be stuffed down. That's self-serving baloney from leaders who don't want the sheep being angry with them.

I was angry at the end of my marriage. Not so much at my wife as at the way my life was going, and at feeling misunderstood and powerless. My therapist said I should find a way to let it all out or I would suffer a long time. So I went to the batting cages and driving range and smacked balls around. I went to the pistol range and burned through a lot of ammunition. I felt better and didn't hurt anyone.

So maybe you need to find some safe physical way to release the anger.

1. I refused to give myself permission to be angry about other people's choices and decisions. 2. Everyone has the same right to their beliefs as I do. That's the premise.

The fact was, I left the LDS Church and hubby did not.
He had a RIGHT to believe in the LDS Church's teachings.
Just because I changed my mind doesn't mean he would. And he didn't.

The underlying premise has to do with not taking anything personally. Other people's lives and choices and behavior toward us is about them. It is not about us.

If anger crops up and it's hard to get rid of, go to a physical, explosive outlet. Do explosive physical exercise of some sort. Get rid of it. Letting anger fester is unhealthy.

Relationships can make you crazy, but think of it this way.
His behavior is about him.
Your reaction to it is about you.
So, your anger is telling you something about yourself.
It's trying to teach you something.

We've all had numerous reasons (valid or not) to be filled with anger but for me, I realized that anger only hurts me, not the person/s I'm angry at. I've known angry and bitter people and unfortunately all it does is eat you up inside. Its difficult to do, but if you can try and let it go, you are doing yourself a favor for your future.

I am not saying that you don't have reason to be angry, though.

Good luck to you.