Alright this one is a fuckin' doozy. Honestly it is kinda personal to me and I and the rest of my family, except my younger brother, feel betrayed.

Tonight I found out my TBM father, the most TBM self righteous one in my family, cheated on my mother. I am infuriated beyond belief. My father has always been the one to scream at me about my beliefs, my mother dislikes it, but she is ok with it so long as I keep to myself. He is the one who always tells me that I am rationalizing myself to hell, and doing bad things. Then this motherfucker turns around and gets friendly with another woman behind my mother's back, MULTIPLE times. Hypocritical son of a bitch!

My Mom and I have always been close, yes we have had our disagreements, but She has always been aware of my emotional needs, my father is pretty emotionally neglectful of his kids. So I have had a deeper relationship with her.

I've always looked up to my Dad, striving so hard to make him proud, and show him that I'm good and worthy of being his son. But now that I found out that he cheated on his wife like 3-4 times, I don't give a shred of a fuck anymore. I never saw it coming. He was always the voice crying repentance and holiness to the Lord, and calling me pout for my "evils".

I'm fucking hurt, I don't know why I should be, he's hurt me before. I'm just pissed beyond fucking belief.

There's more stuff that I must eliminate from my blood line other than the mormon church. My great-great grandfather was a mean alcoholic. His son was the same. His son was never around for his kids. And his son was a lecherous snakes. I am breaking the fucking chain. No more. This shit is done in my family name. No more.

The more holy they act, the more they have to hide, from my experience.

Sorry kid.

This quote always comes to mind and makes me smile:

"The louder he talked of his honor, the faster we counted our spoons."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson, The Conduct of Life

WOW!...Just Wow.
He's got nothing on you now.
I will tell you that I am totally impressed with the way you take a stand in your last four statements; make it true from this point forward.
Best wishes to you in moving on with your own life.

Well that's a kick to the head isn't it?

Wow! It just shows that sometimes those who act holier than thou all the time are hiding some pretty nasty stuff.

We are naught but hairless apes. It's easy for the evolved brain of man to admire fidelity, but the balls are a'gin it.

I would take your cue from your mother. If she wants to be shut of him, you can obviously support that, but what are you going to do if she 'forgives' him and allows him to repent of his sin?

Other than that, I got nothing...

in b 4 ~ "this one is a fuckin' doozy"

Be kind to your mom. She's most likely feeling pretty bad about a lot of things right now. Make sure that she knows you love and care about her.

Don't make any extra work for her. Do your laundry, help her with cooking, dishes, etc. Ask her if there's anything you can do for her. She may get extra churchy right now. Just be prepared for that.

He really shouldn't have followed the prophet.

I am so proud of you for determining that it all ends with you.

But how did you even find out? Did he tell you?

I understand your feelings. And in your shoes, I would feel the same way.

I'm going to give you some advice. Your dad's indiscretions are between him and your mom. It is a marital issue. Some couples get past it; some don't. Let them figure it out.

As for your dad's holier-than-thou attitude, he's going to have a very tough time playing that card from now on. If he does, just act mildly amused. I wouldn't bring up his cheating directly. I would just say something like, "Well, being human, all of us have our faults."

You are at an interesting fork in the road. In a way, becoming an adult is like discovering that the adults in your life are to at least some extent like the Wizard of Oz. There is a man behind the curtain, madly flipping the switches and spinning the wheels. You have discovered that your dad (who sounds like something of a blowhard) is fallible like the rest of us. And you are at a point in life where you can make your own determinations and forge your own way ahead.

Perhaps in time, when you are away from home and are starting to establish your own life, you can come to forgive him. Sometimes it takes a degree of independence and detachment to do that. Life is long, and no one gets through it without being battered to some degree.

I think Summer gives you some good advice.

The best thing to do now is care for yourself and your mother's feelings. Try not to say anything you'll later regret—which is hard to know now, so just err to the side of restraint.

There will come a time when you view your parents as people and not as the role they play in your life. Perhaps then, some room for understanding will show itself.

You'll get through this. You're a bright person.

Great advice from a very wise woman.

Yes! Just be there for your mom and support her. She will have to decide how to go forward, and whatever she decides, just support her.

As for your relationship with your father, it is your decision on how you want to go forward. You sound like the grown-up between the two of you.


If you can find a sensible adult in whom to confide, it might be helpful.

That is ridiculous. I am sorry he not only betrayed your mother, he betrayed the family. It must hurt like hell.

The way I see it this could go two ways. You could be smug and rub it in his face every chance you get. Or you could take the high road and show him how living a life away from the church has made you a better person. Each will have is own pros and cons.

I wish your family the best.

It reminds me of the scripture where Christ said: "let he who is without sin cast the first stone" (although the verse was a later addition).

I'm sorry. I know it feels like such a betrayal and it is.

I understand your anger.

Hypocrisy is the norm rather than the exception in mormonism. I am so sorry that you have been so hurt. From following your story, I can only imagine what you must feel.

I do like that you said no more of that shit will be done in your family name. You are breaking that chain and it's up to you to start a new strong chain. Don't ever let your family have the satisfaction of saying, "see what happens when you leave the church, your life falls apart." Instead it's much more fun to burst their bubble. Be successful. Raise a good family. Work hard. Leave your posterity a legacy to be proud of.

In the meantime, try to be there for your mom. Don't let her ever feel like she's at fault because TSCC will certainly try to make her feel that way. Trust me, I know that all too well. Give it time for the pain to lessen and in the meantime don't do or say anything in the heat of the pain that you will regret later. You are VERY strong, but it's ok to not have to keep up a tough demeanor if you just can't.

Great advice from Summer and NormaRae.

I'm always amazed at the stuff the self-righteous and judgmental people are guilty of.

you now own him. Whenever he pretends to preach at you from this point forward you can always, "What, like you dad?" said in a sarcastic tone. Guaranteed to shut him down.

Ugghhh... Now it is starting to make sense.

He's seeing a direct link between his sin and his son being an apostate. So he's being nasty ultra TBM to you to try compensate for it.

It's all about his failure and how it will appear to other people.

Sad to hear that you found out about the naughty human thing your father did. It's more common in Mormonism than you might imagine.

Here's hoping he is ex'd so you can both be out of the church at the same time. :-)

The Mormon Church (like many churches) gets a lot of millage out of creating monsters like your father.

They cry repentance and give it for a fee. The fee is creating over-the-top monstrosities of righteousness like your father.

I've seen it in my own which not only cheated on my mother contrary to his church but molested his own adopted daughters. And he did it while a branch president at the MTC.

LDS Inc. is never going to address this problem. They are in the business of making monsters for their lord.

You can only "pay back" what you've stolen from someone and feel superior in doing it when you involve an all powerful third party.

It is the price of self-righteousness that is required when to attempt to make restitution you pay a spiritual third party instead of the victims.

And according to many LDS leaders, victims have to forgive them for it.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/02/2016 01:43PM by Elder Berry.

You just learned this news last night. How long ago did this happen? Did your mother find out last night or has she know for some time?

If she's known about it, and they're still together, just be supportive. But I think the days of your dad being some kind of a paragon of virtue are over. Sounds like he's pretty fallible.

She found out a couple days before she told me

Oh geez. Well then everyone must be reeling. Just be supportive of your mom as much as you can.

Sorry your dad betrayed y'all.

WOW I'm sure you're shocked & angry & sad.

It's not something you should know.
Did you hear your parents arguing? discussing it?

Or did your Mother tell you?

I guess the Bishop will be involved....and the ward will probably hear about it If he's excommunicated.

I'd try to stay under the radar..........it's a relationship problem. Yes, it does cause you and the family problems but you can't fix it.

Your parents may stay together.....or they may decide to separate and/or divorce.

I'm sorry you're hurting. I'd be mad too.

K