I got a text from my dad yesterday. He rarely texts me, and I don't really care to text him (he is emotionally stupid and has damaged our relationship pretty badly. I'm defending myself by refusing to initiate). He means well, but I can't help feel a deep sadness....

He texted me to tell me all about the wonderful weekend he had. All church related. I could give a rat's ass about it all.

But the clincher was that at the end of this useless provision of information, was that he was "thinking of" me and that he "loves" me.

I honestly feel like he was only thinking of me because church made him a) feel guilty or b) pity me. And I put "loves" in quotes because honestly I just can't fucking tell anymore.

If I have a hard time separating what is actually part of my personality and what was indoctrination, how am I ever going to discern if my father even actually cares about me or if this damn cult told him to - according to ITS way of showing it.


I don't know. I'm profoundly lonely. My family is still in the cult, except for my mom, who has her own shit to deal with and still can't find the time to ask me about my life either.

I'm an ocean away but it feels even farther. I feel like the family I thought I had never existed.

Help me to feel less depressed....

When we are separated by great time and distance from our loved ones, they often cannot live up to our expectations of them (and vice-versa). This is due to our memory of them and expectations we may have of them that may be unrealistic. It leads to huge disappointment because people are not perfect and have their lives to live. This is especially true when people are separated for a very long time and then idealize a reunion and renewal of family relationships. They end up disappointed and then may disown their family members due to being let down. Be careful and forgiving. You only have one family on this earth. Even if they are living in the Mormon cult. I had to draw the line with my own family spreading lies about me. As long as they aren't doing that, take the extended hand at face value.

I have been separated from family overseas for years and can understand the pain you must be feeling. The above post cannot do justice. My thoughts are not clear due to some medication I am taking following a medical procedure on my back. However, I can recommend some reading material. All clinical psychology. Pick a topic and get ready to have your mind blown.

http://www.apnamba.com/Ebooks-pdf/The%20Road%20Less%20Traveled.pdf

http://webspace.ship.edu/tosato/etsonline.pdf

I think love is as love does.

By brother is 17 years older than me. I grew up without him in my life because he was grown off having his own life almost before I was aware I even had a brother. I'll see him every few years at family gatherings and he'll gush about how he loves me and thinks about me. Yet he never even calls or writes. That's not love. That's not thinking about me. It's just bullshit he tells himself.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/06/2017 03:09AM by Stray Mutt.

And then one day your dad is gone and you can never have all those conversations you wanted. Does it really matter why he is trying to reach out to you? Does it matter he is brain washed by the Cult?

Communicating is the first step. He will make mistakes and you will make mistakes but trying is better.

I wish you well.

To me, it does matter because it isn't genuine. He's still alive and well and I already can't have the conversations I want to have because the church is in the way. It is all he knows. He's never been a strong father to me....just a sheep bleating the party line.

Looking back on 70 years of existence in the church, out and in a family difficult profession it has become clearer to me that these relationships are unique and shouldn't be wasted. Parents and grandparents have lives full of mistakes that they are constantly reminded of, regrets, career disappointments and some just have communication and interpersonal skills that frankly are poor. A sign of maturity on your part would be to see your parents as adults with all the above and perhaps then some...Text your dad back. Tell him how well you are doing, your successes, your disappointments and your future desires and even your needs. Maybe with some courage your love for him..These are things a parent would want to know and may open up a valuable source of support if given the chance. Of course the church may come up from time to time but it is part of who he is at the moment...eventually the texts will be looked forward to, then a call will come in the middle of the night and they will end forever.

Gatorman
9-4
24-7
10-2



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/06/2017 06:49AM by gatorman.

My abusive father passed away in the '90s, and though I bent over backwards trying to make it work with my (also abused, compliant) mother, I could not.

I don't think she even knew me, much less love me. She wasn't capable of loving herself, so how could she love anyone else? After dad passed, her manipulative and controlling ways were brought into a much sharper relief.

It doesn't stop me from wondering how she's doing, if she ever thinks about me, etc. All of her children were abused by her husband, our father, and only half of them survived adulthood (self-destruction).

I don't miss her abuses. I miss ever having been a part of a functional family. I miss the siblings I could have had. I miss what never was, and detest the wasted lives of my family.

Love and affection from such people isn't worth a nickel. It's like the blood you'd get from a turnip.

I decided to write off my parents and had minimal contact and expect nothing from them. I was nice to them, called and sent gifts but never expected even the smallest consideration from them to me, so I wouldn't be disappointed and I never was.

In the meantime, I did have my own DH, kids, and friends. They didn't make up for having no childhood love and kindness, but they were always a comfort and proved I was a lovable person.

Sometimes we have to give up expecting what is impossible for many TBMs to give which is sincere love and caring.

I will just add, Hawk, that your father must love you very much.

The distance between you and leaving the LDS church has made you question everything up to now.

But a parents love for their children is something that time, distance, or a religious upbringing will not lessen between the love of a father for his daughter.

If he was there for you in your formative years, trust he is there for you now.

The cult may damage our faith and trust in what should be inviolate relationships. The bond between a father and daughter is one of those that is sacred.

I have an adult child living in Japan, far from home, like you. I hope he isn't filled with doubts and uncertainty of my love for him because of distance between us. That's too sacred a bond to divide even an ocean apart.

When your dad reaches out to you, even as disappointing as it may feel right now, embrace that moment while you can.

Our parents are only with us for a little while, and then they're gone. I lost both of mine when I was 41. Which made me a mid-life orphan. I miss them every day. I had a crappy childhood, a dysfunctional family. And I still miss them, because I love them, and I know despite their shortcomings that they loved me.

As an adult I was able to see past their dysfunction and shortcomings. Instead of trying to fix them, judge them, or change them. Although I did try to get both parents to quit smoking after they picked up the bad habit following their divorce. Dad did quit, along with my stepmom. Sadly, my mom couldn't. The tobacco habit contributed to her early demise.