Posted by:
hawk
(
)
Date: March 06, 2017 02:00AM
I got a text from my dad yesterday. He rarely texts me, and I don't really care to text him (he is emotionally stupid and has damaged our relationship pretty badly. I'm defending myself by refusing to initiate). He means well, but I can't help feel a deep sadness....
He texted me to tell me all about the wonderful weekend he had. All church related. I could give a rat's ass about it all.
But the clincher was that at the end of this useless provision of information, was that he was "thinking of" me and that he "loves" me.
I honestly feel like he was only thinking of me because church made him a) feel guilty or b) pity me. And I put "loves" in quotes because honestly I just can't fucking tell anymore.
If I have a hard time separating what is actually part of my personality and what was indoctrination, how am I ever going to discern if my father even actually cares about me or if this damn cult told him to - according to ITS way of showing it.
I don't know. I'm profoundly lonely. My family is still in the cult, except for my mom, who has her own shit to deal with and still can't find the time to ask me about my life either.
I'm an ocean away but it feels even farther. I feel like the family I thought I had never existed.
Help me to feel less depressed....