Please forgive the length if this post, but I needed to explain everything. I am a happily married woman who came from an area of the country where I've never really known a single Mormon. Over the last year, I was in a situation where I had a professional acquaintanceship with a Mormon lawyer.


Each and every time I had a question he would call me and beyond the question we would talk for 45 minutes to an hour, no charge. At the time we had only seem each other's picture, but never had met in person. He had said to me once that it felt like we were becoming friends and in my heart I felt the same, but was too worried to say anything. I really developed a deep respect and admiration for this person. I think many women would as he came off as thoughtful, caring, considerate, funny, sweet, and nice looking, but also confident and powerful without an ounce of arrogance.


Some time later we met in person when I had to drop off paperwork. I can't speak for him, but the second our eyes met it felt like the earth stopped turning. It's difficult for me to type this, but I've only had this particular feeling about a man twice before ( and not this intensity) one of those times was with the first man I ever loved , and we were together for years, and the second time was with my husband. I spent the entire drive home talking myself out of how I felt inside and promising myself that I'd never go back to his office. After all, I love my own husband pretty deeply, he is kind, sensitive, handsome ( even more so than this lawyer), and takes such care of me, and I just adored my husband from the first moment we met.

Well, as it ended up I needed to accompany my husband to this man's office the entire time I was a ball of nerves, but still happy to see him. After the fact, my mother began pressuring me to make a will because of some heirloom jewelry given to me by my grandmother. So, I went in for my free consultation. I was there for over 2.5 hours. In this time he told me I was beautiful, and he said it so emphatically. I'm an open book and I told him I felt the same about him. Immediately we started talking about our significant others, He opened up to me about various things in his life and so did I...Seriously, We talked about everything under the sun: religion ( I am not a Christian), relationships, pets. At one point I made mention of the fact that my will preparation wasn't done to which he responded by telling me "Sorry, you're distracting." I didn't even know how to take that. I do freelance art and get contracts sometimes, I asked him the charge for looking at a contract for me and he responded,"For you, free."

The entire time we were basically glued to each other's eyes, and the energy for me, was almost overwhelming. I'm attracted ( obviously, lol) but It didn't feel like a crush or like lust...When it was time to leave I noticed he was like...in my personal space, which I'm comfortable with this person. Well,instead of the handshake he hugged me. I can't say it felt sexual, but it did feel "right." He kept saying that I would see him again and gave me a card to "make sure I had the right email."The only way I can describe the emotions I felt after leaving is "heavy, intense."


Well, the time came to finish this will, and when I tell you this man will not speak to me. Once he emailed me back saying to send the rest if the info, but that was mid November. I wrote back saying I had a few questions, no answer. I called and spoke to one of his ...I don't know what they are...female helpers ( who was looking at me like I was the devil last time I was there, btw.). She said shed "give him the message"...no return call.

No one has ever done this to me before, and I feel so bad inside. I don't deserve this. My girlfriend, who is Mormon told me that he "cannot control himself in my presence and is trying to avoid me because last time he acted in ways that "went against the gospel." I could see if he'd said overtly sexual things to me or if I had to him...but none of that happened!
I say rude is rude and I feel as though I've been stabbed in the back....no worse than that. I don't understand. I'm admitting everything here. I think that the connection we had was something beautiful, not something to run from. I am not, nor have I ever been a bad person...never a liar, never a cheat. I would never have had sex with the guy, and I wasn't ill intentioned. Why am I being ignored and treated so poorly by a person I felt I'd bonded with? Is there ANYTHING I can do? I feel like I want to get in his face, but I have to get myself in check because I'm so irritated by the mistreatment that I'm ready to ask him if he has an excuse for being such a D*** to me, for being so disrespectful. I expected so much better from this person.

Is this a Mormon thing? This completely strange,rude, and hurtful behavior? Is this the norm among LDS folks? Please advise....please.

All mormon men are not exact copies of each other...

so no he's not behaving like a "normal Morman male".

Yes, it's normal.
He let himself have fantasies about you, and then felt sinful and dirty and evil. He probably 'confessed' to his bishop or another leader, and either by himself or at the suggestion of his leader, concluded that to avoid temptation, he had to not ever see you again or contact you. Rather than face up to his 'temptation,' he runs from it. That's typical.

"I would never have had sex with the guy..."

He doesn't know that. And he probably decided that he WOULD have had sex with you if possible, which makes him feel even more dirty and sinful and guilty.

Mormonism is very nearly entirely about making you feel sinful and guilty for what most people consider the most minor of things, even if you just think about them and don't act on them. This is par for the course. I had bishops make me feel guilty and sinful and dirty for more than 10 years for even considering thinking about doing anything with a girl or (gasp!) masturbating.

Yes, it's rude. He probably will never see you again. He also won't explain anything to you. Doing so would jeopardize the "path to repentance" he's on (or been put on). That's mormonism.

You dodged a bullet. Thank your lucky stars....

Wow, I really want to talk this out. If I go to him you think he'll refuse me?

Also, you're telling me that this man doesn't masturbate? Hahaha. Well, I needed a laugh.

What do you mean by that?

How did he violate? By liking me or finding me atteactive? That's sinful?

Also, he spoke fondly of his wife who is equally attractive to me though older.

Fibally, I agree with the last thing you said.

Well, I think he is acting like a terrible person. THAT is what he should be ashamed of, I feel.

You could have thrown out your marriage, destroyed his with stars in your eyes and dreams of a better life---and then found out that he was married to the church and just got a hard on when he talked to you....you would have lost far more than you would have ever gained....

That's called dodging a bullet.

I hadn't thought about that. I thought professional friendship would happen. I think what feels worse is my feelings are usually right, and now I'm questioning my instincts...so I feel foolish and like someone smashed my heart against a brick wall :(

If you weren't, he was well on his way to scheming how and when to get a room. He got stopped in his tracks because he got ratted out by his "female help" who saw what was developing and did what they knew was right. He is chastised, embarrassed, and being punished for his actions and thoughts.

You, on the other hand need to find out what's missing in your own life and fix it-pronto.

Completely an opinion piece, but it's based on being a guy:

Lemme tell you, ma'am... I've been around the block many a time, and what you described is just your basic "men are pigs" behavior.

The 'we met and sparks were flying' is not uncommon. It's not a run of the mill experience, but it happens. Happened to you twice before, that you've been able to recall, right?

If you're decent looking and dress up nicely, it's not at all unusual that he would be attracted to you. Heterosexual males tend to like lots of of women. Being in love is not the same as "I've eaten and I'll never be hungry again." Being in love and yet feeling a 'tug' towards another female is a natural occurrence. Sensible men do not indulge in letting the 'tug' lead them into behavior that would hurt their relationship with a woman to whom a pledge has been made. He violated that pledge...

Yeah, your attorney let it get out of hand. This doesn't happen when all is well in a guy's love life. I'm talking about guys who aren't players. The "player" is something else entirely. If he were a player, his assistant wouldn't have looked at you like you were the devil, she'd have looked at you with pity.

The odds are that he was going through some emotional upheaval and he let himself feed on the goodness that was 'getting to know you.' If he were faltering in his self-esteem, you sure took care of re-enforcing it!

And then something happened so that he no longer needed you. And here's where the real 'men are pigs' factor comes in: he tossed you aside like a used tissue. It was easy for him to do, because he didn't know what a bombshell he'd been in your life, and how you'd welcomed the dream that you'd begun brewing. He probably only thought of you as a temptation, and for whatever reason, where he'd first been eager to engage with the temptation, he later came to regret it. So much so that he threw away the chance for more business with you and your family, by refusing to be an adult with you.

Rather than deal with you honestly and explain why what happened had happened, and to let you down gently, he took the easy way out and just ignored you. He did what was easiest for him and basically just pooped on you.

Had the two of you been available for each other, the sparks generated would have lit your hemisphere. (Okay, this last is more for my girlfriend than for you. Cuz we really light it up! Love is wonderful.)

Yo... olddog.... are you taken?

What ***did*** you want? I mean REALLY? What DID you REALLY want?

Did you want him to take you over your desk, whilst your husband held his jacket?

Or, no. You only wanted to cheat on your husband, not rub his nose in the affair, so it would have to be secret meetings in motel rooms, behind your husbands' back?

Someone dodged a bullet. You husband, from a gun you would have fired.

Sheesh!

Do not EVER let yourself get caught in a situation like this again.

Or you'll wind up in bed with someone, cheating on your spouse and you'll think: "Oh, f**k! What am I doing?"

And yes, for point of reference, I did something similar. And still regret what I did.

Hmm. I wonder if your husband told him to get the hell away from his wife?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/19/2015 05:59PM by matt.

I understand everything you're saying, but I wouldn't have hurt myself or my husband. However, I definitely see how this stuff happens now...as in affairs. I just can't believe a highly educated person would run from a younger non-intimidating woman like a 12 year old with no emotional intelligence whatsoever.

Oh , and my husband would never say anything like that to a person. He's really mild.

Petals.

Let me give you some pointers.

He did not run away from you because you are a younger non-intimidating woman" he put sensible distance between you because he wanted to have sex with you, a married woman. A real career and life destroyer.

And your husband is too mild to defend his marriage?

I doubt that very much.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/19/2015 06:24PM by matt.

I suspect he was feeling the same kind of feelings and connection, but he realized there was nowhere else it could go without potentially disrupting your lives in a major way. I wouldn't be surprised if he had a strong sexual attraction to you to the point that he wanted to have sex with you more than anything. And continuing to maintain that kind of intense relationship without including physical intimacy can become frustrating and emotionally draining.

Petals,

On August 28th, 1982, I was young, naive, and operating a table saw with full confidence that I was safe. By the time I knew there was a problem, a portion of my left index finger was just so much sawdust in the catchment below.

If you value your life as you know it, DO NOT EVER play around with this kind of situation again. Stay FAR AWAY, plus a little extra for added safety.

All the advice you are hearing up to this point in this thread is spot on. I would only add that that hug was meant, among other things, to measure and to increase your receptiveness to the next step.

And yes, I do know what I am talking about from experience. Thank God that part of my life is long gone.

JAR

Just my opinion, and I could be way off base...but I think you should get a new attorney and get over it. Whether you want to admit it or not, you were probably on the verge of an affair and are feeling slighted right now...oh the woman scorned.

Move your legal business elsewhere and if you EVER feel these 'sparks" with anyone other than your husband, whom you claim to love dearly, don't just walk away...RUN FAST.

Maybe instead of spending your time trying to figure out what went wrong in this supposed "professional relationship" that was on the verge of being something else, how about working on rekindling that spark with your husband instead, before he breaks your heart and walks away from you instead.

I know but I guess I'm sensitive and getting past hurt takes time. There is nothing missing in our marriage..plenty of sparks!

Stop making excuses to try to talk to him or see him again.

Get over it, or risk your marriage. Sensitive? You sound kinda cold with no reguard for your husband's feelings.

How important is your husband to you? Is you marriage more important than you fantasies about your lawyer?

Things mean slightly different things to mormons than to the general population.
Where you describe a lovely connection with another person that could have gone somewhere if you were both single, what a mormon thinks is this:

Feelings are gawd telling me when something is right, or they are temptations to sin from the devil.
So just HAVING those feelings was a very sinful experience to this man, more than likely.

Also don't worry about exmos bashing you because you "could have or would have" slept with this man... I sense the reasonably good boundaries of a normal human, what happens in your head stays in your head, right?
Not so if you've been fucked in the brain pan by perverted mormon teachings. Hence all the projection about your "morals" because THEY could have or would have.

Actually, the dude drew away from turning Petals' old man into a cuckold.

I think we should be praising Mr Lawyer, rather than condemning him.

Because I know that if Petals had come to RFM down the line about how a big shot TBM lawyer had started an affair with her, we would have excoriated him big time.

Go ahead and keep reading things she didn't say. You already said why this bothers you so bad.

I didn't.

What is your problem?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/19/2015 06:48PM by matt.

You said this, "You implied that if you did start having sex with the lawyer that your husband would be too "mild" to say anything about it."
When all she said was this, "Oh , and my husband would never say anything like that to a person. He's really mild."

What she did not say is whether he would have the opportunity to do so after she fucked the guy because she has denied any intention to do so a few times over.
Most people are well aware that fantasies remain on the inside of your own skull.

You're the one who already convicted her even though she has done nothing but describe several awkward encounters with a clueless mormon doof. But since you know how it CAN go, surely then it MUST go that way in all cases, is how your posts read.

I agree. Mr Lawyer seems to have walked away from it all...good for him..no matter what the reason. He could've just saved her marriage.

Petals, I am raising a serious point.

Why do you not respect your husband?

And if you think you do respect him, consider this: You implied that if you did start having sex with the lawyer that your husband would be too "mild" to say anything about it.

Projection....

And that below is scary. Actually the fact that everyone here agrees that she was seconds away from dropping her panties is the scariest thing I've read on RfM in a long while. I know we're all reported to be bitter and angry, but promiscuous whores who will blindly fuck if the idea comes to mind, too?
Impressive RfM, impressive.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/19/2015 07:04PM by WinksWinks.

WinksWinks Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Projection....


Not at all. I am bringing to bear a qualification in counselling.

Petals needs to ask herself some questions. (Getting people to ask questions of themselves is a basic technique of counselling.)

For example, why was she susceptible to desiring a relationship with someone other than her husband?

Petals:
I got confused.... by these two statements:...

"Well, as it ended up I needed to accompany my husband to this man's office....."

"My girlfriend, who is Mormon told me......"



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/19/2015 07:00PM by SusieQ#1.

My opinion: if the marriage/or Mormon girlfriend, which ever it is, is important to you, don't flirt with a married man.
I have trouble with the whole story.

I agree with Matt. This guy could see that further contact might lead to ruining his marriage, so he decided to nip it in the bud and cut off contact.

I happen to think this is a sensible thing to do in this case, instead of risking an otherwise happy marriage.

As for throwing you away like a tissue? I disagree with that. You chatted on the phone with him a few times and met him once. He doesn't owe you anything. You didn't have a personal relationship and history with him.

What do you want from him? You say you're happily married too, yet you want to persue a relationship with this guy too. Sorry, you can't have your cake and eat it too.

She just wants her will finalised.
Unfortunately since she paid nothing, looks like she won't get that accomplished, and the advice to go elsewhere is best.

After all, no man should ever be alone with a woman. Of course they will start fucking like bunnies given the opportunity. Jeesus keerist! Did no one else find actual morals on the way out of the cult?

...to remove the fuel from the fire pit. That was the lawyer. He might have been abrupt and rude, but he did the right thing. His Mormon beliefs and morals may, or may not, have been a factor. Suppose this evolved into an intimate affair, and only then did he disengage? Insensitive as he was, he did the right thing.

And the multiple advice to avoid such situations is spot-on. Billy Graham had a policy to never be in a room, alone, with a woman and a closed door. Never. Say what you will about his beliefs, there was never the whiff of scandal. Incidentally, when he became a celebrity, he always had an aide enter a hotel room before him to check for anything, or anybody, who might be compromising to him or his ministry.

Should we do that? Maybe not THAT, but it serves as an demonstration of what a person can do to maintain one's priorities.