I've had a very shitty week. I could use a chuckle. I feel like a failure when I see one of my 6 very tbm kids act like a ultra tbm scribe and pharisee.

Make me chuckle.

Here's one. My tbm daughter is expecting a second, a son, and has picked out a name. I told her she should pick out a Chinese name just in case because I heard a statistic that 1 out of 3 babies born are chinese.

Any others?

Check your magic 8 ball, it knows what to do...

csuprovograd Wrote:
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> Check your magic 8 ball, it knows what to do...

All mine ever says is 'Cannot answer at this time'
Seems like God has taken over my magic 8 ball.

torturednevermo Wrote:
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> csuprovograd Wrote:
> --------------------------------------------------
> -----
> > Check your magic 8 ball, it knows what to do...
>
> All mine ever says is 'Cannot answer at this
> time'
> Seems like God has taken over my magic 8 ball.


"Concentrate and ask again"

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:
Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old."
Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"
Man: "I never have, I am Jewish."
Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"
Man: "I’m telling everybody!"

It's with your car keys, and god only knows where those are.

My apologies to Dr. Packham, but here's my favorite lawyer joke:

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying,'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says,'First,did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... No, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer,'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?'

This is great after a stressfull day!


A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks 'why the long face?'

it was always black so don't worry about it.

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I ran over and stopped where I could talk to him. He was crying, his hair was tousled and unkempt. I called out to him. He turned to look at me, and I saw a wild look in his eyes. I locked eyes with him and said, as calmly as I could, "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he sobbed.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well," I said, "are you religious or atheist?"

He said, "Religious."

I said, "Me too! What religion?"

"Mormon."

"Me too! Were you raised in the church, or a convert?"

He responded, "I was raised in the church."

"Me too! Where are you from?"

"Provo..."

I said, "Wow! That's where I'm from!!! Where did you go to college? Utah or BYU?"

"Utah," he said.

So I pushed him...

The oldies are the goodies!

elderolddog Wrote:
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Very funny, and in that vein . . .

Some people think I hate USC so much that I refuse to even speak with their alumni.

Nonsense! I speak with them often, and I always ask for large fries when I do.

A penguin was having car trouble. He took it to a mechanic in town, who told him he'd check it out and would find the problem in 20 minutes.

The penguin went across the street to Dairy Queen and ordered an ice cream cone. He's a sloppy eater but truly enjoys his treat.

As he re-entered the garage the mechanic looks up and tells him "It's looks like you blew a seal."

"No" replied the penguin. "It's just a little ice cream."

A funeral service is being held in a chuch for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carrying the casket accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the women is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end the pallbearers are again carrying the casket out.

As they are walking, the husband calls out, "Watch out for the wall!"

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

Oh, I like that one!

A husband and wife tee off on a long par 4. The husband's drive slices hard to the right, behind the maintenance yard. He's still in bounds, but the cart barn is in the way. As they're sizing up his options, his wife says, "Hey, there's a big door on both sides of the cart barn. If I both doors, you can hit a low iron through the barn and be okay!"

She excitedly runs and opens the near door, then goes through the barn and opens the opposite door, and lo and behold, the husband can see the green and the flag! So he starts lining up his shot...

His wife ducks behind the outer door to wait for the ball to come through. She waits and waits and then peeks around the door to see what the hold up is. ...and catches the pure 2 iron he'd hit right in the middle of her forehead and she was dead before she hit the ground.

14 months later the now widower and a friend are at the same course, on the same tee, and he hits a duplicate of that earlier shot. As they're heading for his his ball, it's all coming back to him and his mood turns sour. His buddy, knowing nothing about how his wife had died, doesn't know to be quiet, and instead says, "Hey, there's big doors on both sides of the cart barn! I can go open them and you might have a shot at the green!"

The widower blurts out, "Uh-uh, no sir, no FUCKING WAY!!! The last time I tried that, I took a double bogey!!"



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/22/2015 11:02PM by elderolddog.

More apologies to Brother Packham. Here's my fav lawyer joke:

Why do lawyers wear their shirt collars so tight?

So their foreskins won't slip up over their heads.

(works just as well for apostles -or- for JS)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/22/2015 11:15PM by beyondashadow.

that was always my favorite too. But I heard it as why lawyers wear neckties...

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two pathetic-looking men by the side of the road, eating grass. He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked the men, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have no money for food," the first man replied.

"Then you must come with me to my house," insisted the lawyer.

"But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here," said the man.

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.

The second man exclaimed, "I got a wife and six kids!"

"Bring them as well!", the lawyer proclaimed as he headed back to his limo.

They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the men expresses, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "I'm most happy to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall."

6 iron Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
>
> Here's one. My tbm daughter is expecting a second,
> a son, and has picked out a name. I told her she
> should pick out a Chinese name just in case
> because I heard a statistic that 1 out of 3 babies
> born are chinese.
>
> Any others?

This reminds me of a quote by Gracie Allen:
"My sister is having a baby. I can't wait to find out if I'm going to be an aunt or an uncle!"

Last year my job revolved (it seemed) travel and I found myself in Clearwater, FL. I found a Chinese restaurant I liked and would order every time I stayed there.

The fortune cookies there, I noticed, were kinda.....well....harsh.

I got one that said "balding man goes to barber and asks "why full price?"

I'm bald.

Another one said "to truly find oneself, you must play 'hide and seek' alone".

My fortune cookie told me to go fuck myself.

Unfortunate.

My last two fortune cookies had nothing in them. Should I be worried?

...when he came upon a Catholic nun stopped beside the road trying to change a flat tire. Being a gentleman, he stopped to help her. The trucker had never seen a nun, so he didn't know who she was or what her outfit was about. When he finished changing the tire, she told him "Young man, let me pay you for your help." The trucker replied "Aw naw, ma'am, I wouldn't take yore money. Any friend of Batman's is a friend of mine."

1Forest1

A foursome had played 18 holes of golf together at their country club every weekend for 30 years, until one day, one of them bent over to tee up on the 10th hole, and dropped to the ground, stone dead. At dinner at the club that night, a friend asked how their golf round had gone that day. One of the foursome said, "It was the worst golf round of our entire lives! On the back nine, we had to hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry, all the way in.

A nun who works for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a station just down the street. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.

The attendant regretfully told her that the only can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men walked by. One of them turned to the other and said: "Now that is what I call faith!"

So, I raised my boys right, especially when it comes to understanding and relating to women. I taught them the three rules, over and over:

Rule #1: The Woman is always right.

Rule #2: The Woman is allowed to change her mind.

Rule #3: The Woman was right before she changed her mind, and she's right after she changes her mind.

Knowing and practicing these three rules will make your Woman relationship so much smoother.

But as I have begun to understand Mormonism (the religion, the theology, the cosmology, the culture, etc.) I think I see another set of three rules to live by:

Rule #1: The Mormon God is always right. (by definition)

Rule #2: The Mormon God is allowed to change his mind. (as per polygamy or blacks, etc.)

Rule #3: The Mormon God was right before he changed his mind, and he's right after he changes his mind.

Knowing and practicing these three rules will make your Mormon God relationship so much smoother.

Of course, in each case, rule #3 is actually just a corollary of rules 1 & 2.

Then as I further contemplated the perfection and beauty of the three rules as applied to Women, and as applied to the Mormon God, suddenly I was struck with an epiphany of another corollary:

If the first set of three rules is true, and the second set of three rules is true, then the inevitable conclusion is that the Mormon God is actually a Woman.

Somebody check my logic here, keeping in mind that in a cult nothing has to actually make sense, you just have to proclaim it loudly enough to achieve truth-hood.

I *KNOW* THAT THE MORMON GOD IS ACTUALLY A WOMAN.

JAR

Dang it! If you hadn't lost your mood ring, you would know how you were feeling.

Jokes are good to lift the mood, but I'll try poetry.

The cats went out to serenade,
and on a banjo sweetly played,
on summer nights they climb a tree,
and sing "my love, oh come to me".

My favorite cocktail napkin:

"Part of me thinks I should quit drinking. The other part of me says, "Don't listen to her. She's drunk."