having just found this site a couple of days ago. I left TSCC (finally) last July/Aug. My hubby is still a TBM, and has asked me to not talk to him about anything uncomfortable or that might be construed as critical of the Mormon church. So I've had no one to really talk to about everything. It's left me feeling very alone.

I've looked into other ExMo forums, and find so much anger there. I understand why they are angry, but I'm looking for people who are more interested in moving forward with healthy, normal lives than they are with stickin' it to the church. I'm hoping to find all the pieces of myself along with some new friends, and this forum seems to fit.

Hi PiecesOfMe,

I am SO sorry about what you are facing. It is real and painful and very lonely. So many of us have been where you are and so many are currently where you are at right now.

I also understand wanting to connect with people who are moving forward and passed the 'angry stage'. I highly recommend finding one of the many 'transitioning Mormon' meet up groups out there.

There is a list, by city, on the Mormon Stories Podcast Page. If you are on Facebook, you can search for the many 'closed groups' and see if there is one local to you. The closed Facebook Group I belong to has been a healthy and helpful resource, in so many ways. And we all live within a couple of hours of each other and meet together often. It's nice to have that support group that understands and then wants to move forward in a productive way.

Hope you find what you need!

I hope you feel comfortable here, but I must admit that there is anger here too. It's okay to be angry. It's also part of the mourning process for many exmo's. Keep in mind that you don't have to read all of the posts.

You also might like the InfantsOnThrones.com podcast. There is a pretty active community in the comments section.

I wish you the best of luck. Everyone needs to be heard.

This is the angriest of all exmo forums. LOL
We are the reason TBMs think exmos are bitter and angry.
The morg does not block this site, but does block some of the kinder gentler forums. Wouldn't want anyone getting the idea you can still be a good person after leaving, now would we?

Shields up!

Oh, I know I'll find anger here. It's to be expected when we've all been lied to, abused, and otherwise mistreated. Having been studying psychology before quitting school to have a baby, I understand the grieving process. And I certainly don't judge those who are angry. (I hope I didn't come across that way. After years of being told to not saying anything, I find expressing myself clearly to be hard.) It's just some forus seem to be all about the bashing. I haven't seen that here.

Thanks for the tip on meet-ups. I'll have to look into that.

also... if you are interested.... there is a new Face book group called Post Mormon Relief Society. Just for women, and it is GREAT! Look it up... it's a closed group, so it's somewhat private... won't show up on your feed. It's been really great to connect with other women who have gone through, and are going through the same things.

Awesome! Thanks!

I guess a little background would be helpful here.

I have known for years that there were historicity issues with the BoM. DNA disproved Jewish ancestry on the American continent a long time ago. And when I try to bring up the latest scientific info out there, the responses I get --espcially from my TBM in-laws -- are laughable at best. I was pursuing a college degree at one point -- kind of hard to miss the dissonance between Mormonism and science.

Even though I still considered myself Mormon up until last summer, I was never a "good" one. I have piercings, a tatoo, and drink things on the no-no list. My hubby and I were married in a RS room of the ward we were currently living in but had never attended. And we never talked of getting sealed (except maybe during our first year of marriage). And we have never been active in our ~7 years of marriage.

So, I guess TBM may not be the most accurate discription of my husband. What would you call someone BIC, but went inactive after high school. He also doesn't follow the WoW, and has a much more accepting view of religions in general (much more than the Morg norm). Yet, he isn't open to hearing anything about the Morg that challenges everything he's been taught. Is there a term for that?

Possibly a Jack Mormon, someone who doesn't attend, nor lives the lifestyle, but still believes. Sometimes they can be the most defensive of Mormonism.

Just having people respond at this point really helps! Leaving behind something that put itself in the center of your whole world for so long is so very isolating.

I haven't experienced a lot of anger, except when hearing stories from other women and the horrors they went through while still in or just after leaving. But then, I haven't been very public about my faith transition. So far, there is only a small handful of people who know. And while I'm not hiding anything, per se, neither am I broadcasting it. Though I know a time is coming when I'm going to have to let my extended family know, at least.

My hubby and I have a little ritual when he comes home from work. I ask him about his day, and then he asks about mine. As I was going through my research learning about all the things tscc doesn't want people to know, I started relating these things to him that I had learned that day. It only took me telling him stuff twice before he asked me to not say anything negative about his church. I told him I was simply relating the facts to him, and if they were negative that wasn't my fault. There have been a couple of times when I became so overwhelmed that I broke the "rule"--for lack of a better term--and shared a little of what I had learned or how I felt and why.

I've been very lucky in that my husband respects me as a person, and we're able to talk out issues before they become conflicts. But it still leaves me feeling isolated.

I'm sure I've come across to him as angry at times, though I'm not angry most of the time. And as I read a lot of the posts here, there are really only a few that strike me as angry. Most people here are hurting, just like me, and it's comforting to know I'm not alone in that.

I'm still kind of waiting for the anger to come. I know trying to avoid it will only hurt my healing process. But if anything, instead of being angry with the church, it makes me depressed. Typically, the depression is like a wave of deep sadness that just kind of hits me before moving on. I'm usually back to my normal self by morning. But the last little while (maybe a week), things have been a little harder to bounce back from. And the worst part is . . . when my husband asks what's wrong, or if I'm ok, I can't talk to him about it because he really doesn't want to know.

Maybe the anger won't come. My husband never felt angry. I, on the other hand, was angry for well over a year.

Jackmormon--believes but doesn't practice. They are frustrating in some ways and less so in others compared to tbms.

Welcome. So glad you are here. I have seen very little anger here that wasn't justified or directed at the wrong target. You might even feel a little anger sometime and want to rant here and vent a little bit yourself on one of those "off" days.

What I have found here in-between the few angry posts, and the comical posts, and the fluffy posts, is amazing support, understanding, and insights. You will see every facet to an issue. And I have learned so much more about the underbelly of the church that I never knew existed. That helps the healing.

For me personally this place did not exist when I left decades ago and I buried everything down deep,and it simmered. The discussions here, the camaraderie, and the support allowed me to finally unearth it all and let it go.

So happy for you that you found the truth. THis is a great place to unwind if you have a spouse still in the TSCC.

I'm one that promotes an Attitude of Gratitude. I'm a positive, upbeat person as that is my natural personality. Yes, even in the middle of the storm I manage to get back my equilibrium, quickly. And it can get stormy when one spouse makes a major change in what was a mutual agreement that is often the core element of the marriage. People do not adjust well to a major change in our thinking, relationship, religious views.

I've written extensively about how we made our long (over 50 plus years) marriage withstand all of the changes when I stopped believing in the LDS Church and eventually resigned my membership along with his support.

Some early trial and error that was disastrous showed me that the way to hold my marriage together was to respect and honor his right to his beliefs just as I wanted my rights respected. It's just Universal Truths: The Golden Rule. Treat others the way you want to be treated. He asked what I needed from him and I said: "Live the 11th Article of Faith" We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may. And he did.

He passed away two years ago. The second anniversary of his funeral services was Wednesday.
We did it because I didn't challenge his faith. The first time I tried it was so disastrous, I knew I couldn't do that again and respect him as my spouse.
So, we "Agreed to disagree" and if I got a little testy, he'd remind me! It worked because we kept our agreement.

We were over 35 years into our marriage and retired when I changed my mind about my belief system and World View. He knew I was a convert and knew many of my family members. He also knew I was from a long line of Christian ministers. He knew that joining the LDS Church and becoming immersed as a young bride just married in the temple was a huge adjustment and full of questions and surprises.

I found this site and others to discuss my situation. That helped. Some of our children had all ready left the LDS Church before I did. My husband was understanding and did not criticize them or try to dissuade them as he knew, as I did, that nobody can be forced to believe anything and they all have the same rights to their beliefs as we do. And can change their mind.

I had to set some priorities and I put my family first, my relationship/partnership/marriage/children/grand children was so important I was not going to allow a difference of opinion about religious views to destroy anything. I had invested most of my life in my family. I was going to preserve it. And I did. The ups and downs settled out. Every one, eventually care around to accept that we could make different decisions. Some were more difficult about it than others, temporarily.

I don't have a reason or need to be angry about much of anything. It's counter productive-self sabotage when not dealt with in a short period of time. Plus, my frustration and annoyance is always with human behavior that is unfair, and unreasonable, outrageous, etc. (Ran into that in the LDS Church and at some of my employment!) I have concluded that people are pretty much the same, exercising human nature, just the faces change.

One of my posts here on how I made my long marriage work
http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1026362,1026362



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/23/2015 02:01PM by SusieQ#1.

It involves mutual respect and ability to view a person as more than a set of beliefs about the afterlife.

This is not easy for a couple to pull off after years of indoctrination "Remember who you are" and that horrible predatory "Every Member A Missionary Approach" which is more accurately titled "Every person a potential convert--otherwise worthless."


Kathleen

anagrammy
>

The funny thing about the word "peace" is that under certain circumstances, I'm have a fiery, feisty personality! I'm very outgoing and extroverted and firm about a lot of things. I've "mellowed" with age, as some might say!
I had to dump any "Right Fighter" notion very quickly! That lasted about two days, initially! :-)



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 01/23/2015 04:57PM by SusieQ#1.

PiecesOfMe Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I've looked into other ExMo forums, and find so
> much anger there. I understand why they are angry,
> but I'm looking for people who are more interested
> in moving forward with healthy, normal lives than
> they are with stickin' it to the church.

I'm angry here. The loneliness of not sharing my ExMormonism with my wife is crushing.

Stick around and you will see why people are angry.

When I first left the church, I was disillusioned, but not bitter...as long as I didn't think too much about the wasted time and money I frittered away.

I admit that in the beginning I couldn't understand the degree of anger some held towards the church. But the more time I've spent reading in this forum about the significant ways the church has damaged the lives and homes of so many, I totally get it now.

I'm fortunate in that my wife and I came to the same conclusion and left together. The fallout that results when spouses don't see their way out together is huge.

Spouses, parents, and children who learn the truth and have the integrity to leave the church are cast off by family members and friends and are unfairly painted with a scarlet letter...all due to the enormous con played by a despicable man with no morals but plenty of gall.

Yes, you have every reason to be angry.

Welcome to the real world ....


There is anger here because people are very angry about

the deceit and betrayal from the mormon church.

Feel free to feel free to say or feel anyway you feel... that

is what healing is all about..... This is not like the church

where everyone pastes on a happy face and pretends every thing

is hunky dory. Hang in here... you won't be sorry.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/23/2015 02:51PM by saucie.

Welcome PiecesOfMe

I know exactly how you feel. My Uber TBM wife is the same way. The only time we ever talk about the church is when she tries to prove to me that it's true. And then after I show her that her article is about a human who is 14,000 yrs old. She doesn't talk to me for a few days. Oh the life.

Hope you can find some online friends. I know I have found a few. It's nice to find someone you can talk to who relates to what you are going through. Best of luck.

I didn't realize I could be angry until I came here. I was shocked by the anger I saw when I came here. I was especially shocked by the attitude towards the GAs. I thought that I still had to respect them.

When I FINALLY allowed myself to be angry, I started to heal. I've come a LONG way because of this board (and therapy). Most of the time I'm fine, but there are still times I get angry. I have a TBM daughter and she can drive me nuts sometimes. She will be getting married next fall and I'm sure that will bring out some ISSUES for me given that I raised her mostly as a single mother. I sacrificed A LOT for her and yet I won't be able to attend her wedding. So be it. When I found out where she finally decided to have her wedding, my parents' grave is a mile away. That is where I will be. AND the members of the family she is close to (brother, dad, cousins, etc.) will be on the outside with ME.

I think anger at mormonism will keep showing up in my life as long as I live, but A LOT of my healing has come from this web site.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/23/2015 02:27PM by cl2.

There is a lot of anger here as well.


For many of us, myself included, the anger comes later.

I wasn't angry until my ex-wife and my "friends" left me... then I became angry.

Posting can be very difficult until you're experienced at it.

I've noticed that new comers are uncomfortable with what they see as anger toward the church. I'm sorry if you have trouble avoiding negativity. This place doesn't seem "angry" to me, but I'm not a newly evolving exmo. Maybe I'm used to the kind of interaction you are seeing.

In any case, I wish you well.

Welcome, PiecesOfMe. I like your name!

Congratulations on discovering the Truth, and following your heart. It takes a lot of courage to live a life of integrity, so give yourself a hug for that!

Congratulations on keeping your good attitude towards your husband. The Mormon church is notorious for breaking up marriages.

You asked about your husband. He might fit into the Name Only Mormon (NOM) category. I think NOM's have their own blogsite, too. Probably your husband is concerned about keeping the peace with his parents. Many NOM's are still active for that very reason: parents, family, spouse, children still in the LDS, inc. For them, there is the constant fear of being divorced, or dis-owned. You seem to have the necessary patience to deal with the Mormons in your life.

My husband left the Mormon church before I did. He was open with the Truth, but I wasn't ready to accept it. He showed me and our little children (oldest was 12) that Sundays could be fun, and that the Mormons didn't own the concept of "family." He didn't criticize me for taking our children to church. Instead, he would have the barbecue fired up and ready to cook us a nice dinner after church. We had a tradition of going to a donut shop, and having breakfast on the beach, early Sunday morning, after helping our son with his paper route. Within a year, I realized that there was a great deal MORE to life than church. God is LOVE. I still believe that.

You seem to know what my wise grandmother used to say, "A wife should not force her husband to choose between his mother and her--because he'll always choose his mother."

This is the best forum I've ever visited! The love and understanding here can be overwhelming! I like the mix of emotions and attitudes, because it is more like the real world. Over the few years I've visited here, I've seen individuals grow, and conquer their anger, and rescue their children from the church, as well.

Most of us still have Mormonism in our lives. We certainly don't "hate" our own Mormon family members, spouses, friends, and neighbors.

A lot of the "anger" is fear that our children will never be set free of the church that tries to take over the role of parent, tries to go behind our back to get our children baptized, tries to teach our children that what JS's crimes are OK. I have girls, and it does make me angry to remember how the Mormon church treated them.

I get angry at anyone who lies to me or my children. This kind of righteous indignation is what keeps our schools (hopefully) predator-free and abuse-free. Schools nation wide are campaigning to stop bullying. We used to have a McGruff program, which fights against pedophiles and other predators.

Instead of bashing the Mormon church, or bashing our school systems, our ultimate goal is to make our lives better.

Some of the "anger" is frustration, that we can't make our loved ones see the Truth, and we have to always walk on eggshells around them. You feel that same frustration, I'm sure, from time to time.

A lot of posts address the subject of forgiveness, recovering from physical and emotional abuse, improving our marital relationships, dealing with TBM in-laws and other TBM family members, how to deal with aggressive Mormon recruiters and missionaries. I want to learn how to rid myself of old Mormon personality traits, superstitions, prejudices and bad habits (like self-loathing and self-blame) that keep creeping back into my life. We are all at different stages of recovery, and some posters are completely recovered, and are here to help.

I have all girls. One was baptized last summer right as I hit the point I could no longer believe in tscc. That was incredibly stressful as I battled with whether or not to allow the baptism knowing she had no idea what it even was or what it was for, etc. In the end, I figured I should let her because she asked to be, and she could always choose out later. Ironically, we started attending a Christian church the following week, and we hasn't been back to a Mormon church since. (With the exception of my brother's homecoming.)

Speaking of his homecoming--wow! I mean, I was certainly expecting him to still be in full preaching mode, and he was. But I had managed to forget my parents had been called as service missionaries. So our normal family dynamics were thrown off; everything was a bit more religious in tone. The stress of it all triggered really nasty migraines. And then during FHE that week, my RM brother tells everyone that cats and dogs and other animals are our spiritual brothers and sisters who chose to not progress and have a human body. I was floored. I would have said something if not for the fact I was in so much pain I couldn't see and the room was spinning. I had to wait until after the trip to begin a week long debrief with my kids. It was definitely frustrating.

Then according to his theory, anyone who eats meat is a spiritual canibal?

Welcome to our group. A place to learn and vent. Once you realize there is another lifestyle other than Mormonism,, It is liberating and freedom. Good luck and keep us posted. Life is good,,

Welcome aboard the cynical train...

Mormonism demolished my family. When only one side of the family is free to discuss whatever they want, and dictate all behavior, speech, activities, clothing, food and beverages... human rights are being violated in every direction.

Your right to think and speak your mind is being controlled and you are justifiably frustrated. I recommend a non or former LDS therapist to figure it out.

Good luck on your path!

I once likened our common experience to being gobbled up by Mormonism and crapped out the back end. You're like, "What just happened, and who am I?"

I pried TSCC out of the death grip I held on it by pulling off one finger at a time. Surely it had to have some socially redeeming value. Alas, it was not to be. Not only is TSCC 100% bullshit, it's counterproductive, reactionary bullshit. Not only does the emperor have no clothes, he's also not anyone you'd want to be friends with.

At least you've discovered that thought control cults aren't for you. Welcome to the board.

Welcome to our little corner of the universe! I commend you for stepping up and posting. You'll find we're a mixed bag, but most of us share a common starting point of our struggle with personal and generational betrayal at the hands of the church.

Please feel free to vent and whine, but remember that the board forbids posting any Jello recipes.

We have a number of married couples who have made it out successfully together, so please keep your hopes up. We'll be eager to hear your updates as you work through your journey.

We're glad to have you with us!

Funny you mentioned the jello recipes. I think CA girl posted one that a relative makes for the holidays. Lemon jello w/shrimp? Maybe celery, but I don't remember the rest. Has to be the winner of the worst jello recipes known.

Emmabiteback Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Funny you mentioned the jello recipes. I think CA
> girl posted one that a relative makes for the
> holidays. Lemon jello w/shrimp? Maybe celery, but
> I don't remember the rest. Has to be the winner of
> the worst jello recipes known.


Ah yes, I seem to recall that. Our beloved moderator's wrath was swift and merciless. CA Girl was forced to eat it.

Funny you remember that one too. It was a bit too much for my taste..but each to their own..

Hey all. I am married to a NOM. I teach American Religions & have studied Mormonism in depth. I am currently teaching a comparative class - Protestant Christianity vs. Mormonism. Often I have thought that I knew everything a person could know about Mormonism - then I am blind-sided by yet another disturbing fact. Today I received another shipment of Mormon literature. I have mountains of books, I know more about Mormonism than just about anything else, I can recite, regurgitate, explain, and debate yet my husband has not left the church. It seems logical to me - not so to him. It is complicated. All the data agrees that half of all Mormons who leave the church walk directly into agnosticism or atheism. Not surprising given that the LDS church focuses on itself, Joseph, exhalation, etc., Jesus the Christ is not the center of the church. I have never been a Mormon & I am angry.