Many of my posts run to the satirical, as the half dozen or so people who have read them can attest. Usually, they've been all types of what my twisted mind sees as humor – scripture, press releases, 19th century tweets and adventure stories, and God's reading list. Not really any poetry though. (OK, maybe a little, but nothing major.) I'm correcting that oversight with a review of Joseph Smith's career written entirely in verse, beginning here and continuing over several future posts.

Basic ground rules:
1. The story is arranged in quatrains (4-line stanzas) with an ABAB pattern.
2. Lines are composed in iambic heptameter (think "Casey at the Bat"). It's a good meter despite its relative rarity, since its flexibility is useful in longer narratives.

Special rules for this exercise, to increase the challenge:
3. Each end-of-line rhyme should be unique. For example, if "Kill" and "Bill" are used to rhyme two lines, then "chill" and "pill" cannot be so used later on. (Of course, you'll have to read the whole thing to see if I can do it. Try to catch me, I dare you.)
4. The grammar within the stanzas has to be correct, as if the work were written in prose. No screwing around with the syntax to force a rhyme. ("We three Kings of Orient are…" – bah humbug.)
5. No poetry-specific contractions like o'er, 'twas, 'round, ev'ry, etc. Contractions used in modern general prose, such as it's, I've, he'd, they'll, etc. are OK.
6. No adding artificial syllables, i.e. wing-èd feet, hush-èd tones, etc. ("They look-èd up and saw a star…") Even "Casey" does it, but it's cheating here.

I hope to post a new set every two weeks or so. I wish it could be cranked out at will, but it just doesn't work that way. For some reason, the Muse is fickle (but smoking hot) and doesn't show up until around 3 AM, which seems to be near the end of her graveyard shift. (Of course, she won't tell me where she's been all night…)

It will be safe for teenagers and great-grandmothers alike. I'll keep it PG-13, no cuss words or adult language. Even when the topic moves to Smith's joyriding, the rhetoric will be limited to mild euphemisms, double entendres and sly innuendo.

Also note that I've taken the occasional poetic license. This is entertainment, and not intended to be historically precise, but I think I have the sequence of events about right. Even so, I believe it's more factual than the church's correlated whitewash. On with the opening salvo…


THE STICK OF JOSEPH:
The Wild Adventures of "Evening Joe" Smith

1.
Perhaps you know of Joseph Smith, my keen receptive reader;
These verses shall attempt to narrate somewhat of his rise
From small-town boy through many stages to deceptive leader,
And finally, his fall from grace and well-deserved demise.

2.
Through generations in New England, Joe was a descendant
Of rustic Yankee forebears, toiling hard to earn a dime.
Because of this, while growing up he came to be dependent
On common daily labor, but preferred to waste his time.

3.
One sunny day young Joseph walked into a grove of trees;
His pa had said to him, "Go chop some wood" – a thankless chore.
He tripped upon a root and tumbled to his hands and knees
And hit his head, dropped as if dead, and soon began to snore.

4.
Awaking from his slumber as the sun dipped out of sight,
His head was aching, plus he felt some dizziness and languor.
To make it worse, he knew that to return back home at night
With empty arms would, without doubt, arouse his father's anger.

5.
So Joseph told his parents he'd been seeking buried treasure
Around the homestead. Then as all the Smiths began to mock,
He pledged to show the way to win them riches without measure –
And proudly he displayed his money-finding magic rock.

6.
To Joe's surprise, that shut them up. His ma said, "It would grieve me
To think that you were lying, so I take you at your word."
The rest agreed; Joe whispered in amazement, "They believe me!"
And snickered, knowing that his ruse was totally absurd.

7.
So just like that – in no time flat – he had a new career:
The art of gazing into stones to search for hidden bounty!
His services were advertised as "Joseph Smith, the Seer"
In Manchester, Palmyra, and then all throughout the county.


[**To be continued in Part 2**]

This is awesome! I appreciate it so much. LOL... my whole life has been spent in Utah as a Catholic. I wish I could go ONE day without hearing about Mormon's. But, it is difficult when they control everything here. So I am trying to learn to use my humor. This "Stick Of Joseph" will help !

"Many of my posts run to the satirical, as the half dozen or so people who have read them can attest."

Well, I read this one, so I guess you can count me in your Holy Half-Dozen.

Maybe you can work some of this into your next installment:

“One day he [Joseph] came, and greeted me with a joyful countenance. Upon asking the cause of his unusual happiness, he replied in the following language: ‘As I was passing, yesterday, across the woods, after a heavy shower of rain, I found, in a hollow, some beautiful white sand, that had washed up by the water. I took off my frock, and tied up several quarts of it, and then went home. On my entering the house, I found the family at the table eating dinner. They were all anxious to know the contents of my frock. At that moment, I happened to think of what I had heard about a history found in Canada, called the golden Bible; so I very gravely told them it was the golden Bible. To my surprise, they were credulous enough to believe what I said. Accordingly I told them that I had received a commandment to let no one see it, for, says I, no man can see it with the naked eye and live....’
“ ‘Now,’ said Jo, ‘I have got the damned fools fixed, and will carry out the fun.’"

http://mormonthink.com/QUOTES/bomquotes.htm

And there you have it. The very beginning of the history of mormonism. The BoM is nothing more than a frock full of unusual sand.

Very good. Keep it coming.

Thank you all for reading these opening verses and for your comments. Metered verse, well and consistently done, is wicked hard to pull off. I like to think I've made a decent start, and I'm optimistic that I can maintain or improve on it. I will be able to finish it; my hope is that when the whole thing is finished and posted, that people will take the time to read it from beginning to end.

IAMB THAT IAMB hath written this.