Last weekend, the cable guy was digging in the backyard and uncovered a stone box. I went out to take a look and among many strange things discovered a book of ancient workmanship inside.

Breaking the seal revealed a set of golden plates covered in squiggly characters. And though I do not recognize them, I am certain they are in the ancient language of Reformed Gypsum.

And then I happened to set an empty Corona on the pages, and the characters miraculously resolved into words. So I quickly drank another and taped the bottles together.

And through these makeshift goggles, the following story was revealed ... the final chapter in the history of an ancient civilization.

_______________________________

And it came to pass that I, Boloni, High Priest of the Neophites, was aggrieved. For of the many plates of gold which I obtained from my brother, the General Moron, and through the labors of my people, only some few now remain.

For being desirous of adornment, my dearest wife took of the gold plates and made for herself a plain and precious necklace, and also a tiara, and matching bracelets and earrings, and a waist chain, and many delightsome and inventive ornaments that were beautiful to behold.

And though I am sorely desirous of her beauty in her many adornments, and wish greatly to provide her with more of the gold plates, I must needs seal the remaining portion and lay my stylus aside.

For my people, the Neophites, have brought war and rebellion to my very gate. For it was needful to raise their tithes and offerings once again, and to lower the age of compulsory service, in order to bring new members into the fold and replenish my store of these precious leaves of gold.

And behold, war lies heavy upon the land and the city burns. Even mine own armies do rebel against me in this cause. And only the Sons of Hellaman, my personal guard, do remain at my side.

For the people demand an open accounting of their many tithes and offerings, and the return of their gold and precious things, and wages for their unpaid service, and restitution for their sufferings.

But not one senine shall they receive at the point of the sword. Yea, for the good of my people, I must save them from this selfishness and pride. For the greater sin lies with the angry and the rebellious who have departed from humble and submissive ways, however much they were wronged in word or deed by the Lord's anointed.

And their anger with me is as of the Lemonites of old. I therefore rename my people Lemonites in remembrance of their ancient wrongs against the anointed. Yea, even though the true Lemonites of my generation reside apart, in peace among themselves, refusing to enjoin conflict against my people.

And behold, with battle now at the palace door, I lay down my stylus and depart to preserve my life and secure my treasures in the earth, even the remaining plates of gold and my wife's shapely breastplate and jeweled eyepiece. And there they shall remain, until this war is won, and I may once again place these lovely adornments upon my sweet princess Leahona.

But I write a little more, to earnestly pray that this may soon come to pass. For it is not good that man should be alone in the wilderness, with only delightsome and pleasing ornaments to accompany him. Or to be persecuted as I have been, a servant of God, who labored only to spare his people the sin of enjoying the fruits of their own labor.

And thus I seal this true and faithful record, in a place separate from the record of my brother, Moron, until the last day at the world's end. Amen.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/30/2015 06:45PM by otterpop.

Impressive command of early 19th century Gypsum. Most pleasing unto mine heart which hath now been made glad.

I gotta wonder where HJ came up with that particular manner of speech. That's not how the countrymen of his day talked.

Ya think maybe he copped that from reading Spalding or Ethan Smith?

I always wondered about that. I always thought the language of the BOM and D&C sounded forced and unnatural, as if JS was trying too hard.

I imagine JS was trying to evoke an official and established tone, so he combined the 17th century language of the oldtimers with some of the KJV language he studied from childhood. There was a lot of colloquial and archaic usage in New York in the early 19th, heavily influenced by Germans and other immigrants.

Otterpop, are you suggesting that the end of the great nation Deseret is nigh at hand?

Well, make of it what you want, but I know what I saw in my beer goggles. All I can tell you is that I reported a bunch of Boloni.

Did Boloni have a son named Bolonihah? What about him?

Now that you reminded me otter, no doubt the comingling of the influx of immigrants that flocked to the Erie Canal project gave rise to the linguistic alchemy of an emerging nation.

We cannot overlook the effect that the erie had on joe's world, the Panama Canal or Alaska Pipeline of it's day.

So true, everyone underestimates lake effect.

Ooo, I see a grudge-match coming between you, otterpop, and donbagley. This is gonna be fun for the spectators.

Did you see whether there were any other records hidden in the hill Cumonah?

Yes, there were many other the plates. This was only the first, which was actually the last ... because it was written right to left. Or maybe the plates were upside down. Either way, it fulfills the prophecy that the last shall be first ... thus proving that my account is true and correct, perhaps the most true and correct book on the earth! And it is a living work, for it will surely change as I update it. Isn't that exciting!

On the other plates are tales of Kneehigh, Hellaman, a king of the Benjamins and the mother of Jared, among others.

I plan to translate as many as I can, but my wife Gemma will no longer be my scribe. Apparently, there is too much cooking and washing and cleaning to do. And as it turns out, I cannot hold my beer goggles and write and fold laundry at the same time.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 01/30/2015 06:04PM by otterpop.

... when she's not busy doing other jobs around the barn.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/30/2015 05:25PM by beyondashadow.

An outstanding OP, OP.

Does Corona indicate a southern Mexico/Mezo-American locale?

tenaciousd Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> An outstanding OP, OP.
>
> Does Corona indicate a southern
> Mexico/Mezo-American locale?


More like a twin Cumorah locale, to be precise.

Which gives credence to the Dos Equis theory.

The name Cumorah was inspired by the Comoros Island, where Father Lehigh stopped off at the city of Moroni and learned to brew cerveza during his historic voyage to buy up timeshares in Tulum.

Stay thirsty mis amigos.

I regret that I cannot reveal the precise location where I found the plates (though the Dos Equis theory is on the right track). But it matters not, since I have moved them to a hill which I call the Hill Corona, where I often go for silent reflection and rest from the labors of housework.

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Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/30/2015 05:49PM by otterpop.

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Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/30/2015 05:51PM by otterpop.

"The Lost Future"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tOI0wVp1j-o

pleased to see/ hear the Yorkshire accents is still going strong amongst future Murkins.

I am a trusting man and will take you at your word, just keep your hands of my fecking 14 year old daughter.

I assure you, sir, that your daughter is safe.

Does she perhaps have a cousin her age?

Bolonri Moriham-cured.

Better than Joe himself wrote, I say.

Is this for real or sarcasm? I cannot tell because of the chiasm.

Either way, I feel compelled to send 10% of my gross and clean some toilets. Please provide an address.

For those still following this story, I can now reveal the name of the one who uncovered the stone box in my yard.

His name was Angel Coronai. He spoke very little English (and I speak very little Spanish), but as we shook hands in the pure sunlight of morning, his face shone with light, and I testify to you that he truly was Angel, for I checked his ID.

An hour later, I knew something special was about to happen when he walked up limping to the front door, pointing with his bleeding hand at the stone box, his broken trenching tool and three of the biggest Mexicans I've ever seen.

The signs of the momentous occasion were as clear as daylight. So I signed the work order, gave them a 6-pack, emptied my wallet and they departed in a flash, as smoke from burning rubber, in a truly miraculous fashion.