"I wasn't there that morning when my Father passed away"...still rings true to me on this very day.

Some years back from diagnosis to death my Dad had 5 days.

It was not enough time to catch up and thank him for a lifetime of memories.

He had been somewhat stabilized...yet experienced bouts of in-and-out of consciousness throughout those last 5 days.

I had only left him for a short period of time early in the morning on Day 5.

I missed his passing...it is one of my biggest regrets ever that I wasn't there holding his hand as he left us and whispering in his ear how much I loved Him and will miss Him.

I can only suggest that if you love Him...tell Him...even MORE...while you are still in your "Living Years" together.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1eG6tGXRxQ

Even now I miss my Dad every single day.

Or so it seems to me...

Aw, ((HUG). I know how you feel. My dad passed away the day before I was headed out to see him for Memorial Weekend last year.

The grief and guilt never really go away, you just learn to live with them.

I had gone home to CA when my mother passed away. Nobody was with her when she died. My husband passed while I was sleeping. I woke up almost immediately, however.

It seems to be quite common that people seem to prefer to pass away quietly when they are alone. It's a kind of private thing, I think. I often hear of someone walking out of the room for a few minutes only to return only to find their loved one passed while they were in the hall.

We do the best we can. We can't be everywhere at once. I discounted any need on my part for regret or guilt.

And yes, I miss my husband, every day as do our adult children, I'm sure. I like to think his spirit (or whatever it is) is around from time to time. After over 50 years of marriage he is always part of me.

My Dad had 12 days from diagnosis to passing away from pancreatic cancer, two weeks ago yesterday. We cared for him at home.

But you know what? I'm beginning to envy those people who say, "I left the room, just for 10 minutes, and that's when he passed."

I think the imagine of watching my Dad take his last breath will haunt me for the rest of my life. He mouth moved like a fish out-of-water, trying to suck in some air, but nothing was getting in and then he just stopped. He just stopped.

Horrible.

It is all of the experiences and memories BEFORE they finally succumb that really count, not that very last moment of their life. Just as you so aptly pointed out (!!!!!).

Consider yourself LUCKY ! and CELEBRATE ! what you DID! have!

I never had a father. I had sperm donor, a MORmON male parent, a resident (FUCKING ASSHOLE) MORmON enforcement agent to always ride my back and enforce MORmON expectations at any cost to the total exclusion of any other concerns, especially frivolous stuff like actually nurturing his offspring which were viewed only as living appendages to his own grand fanciful personal legacy of good membership in MORmONISM, who I finally learned to loathe and despise and ended up wanting to kill, just as he despised me and wanted to kill me because I could not live up to his utterly impossible MORmON standards despite an EXCEPTIONAL and Herculean effort on my part that he NEVER acknowledged to ANY meaningful degree because he was so demanding and such a spite ass hole on behalf of his stupid blood sucking ever demanding MORmON religion.

Dying was the kindest thing that god damn MORmON ass hole EVER did for me. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) I miss that foul Piece of shit like I would miss being burnt with a red hot piece of steel. I revel at bashing his stupid MORmON religion every chance that I get as my memorium of him.

I know how you feel and I'm sending you a hug, too. My dad passed away 17 years ago last week. I was there holding his hand. Pneumonia took him as he had foretold it would. I see his picture every night on my way up to bed. I will always miss him.

I agree with Greyfort. Being with a dying loved one is a privilege and a horror at the same time. I was with my mom as she passed. I saw her collapse to the ground, and then gaze off into the distance. I held her hand and told her I loved her. The death rattle was, to say the least, difficult to listen to.

The thing is, if everything had gone according to "plan," she would have passed peacefully in her sleep. She was so terribly tired, and had wanted to go directly to bed. But no, I, the ever diligent caregiver, had to take her through her nightly washing up routine. Arrgh. That still haunts me. Could I not have been a little more flexible? We do the very best we can, but we still have regrets. My consolation is that I feel that they really do forgive us, if indeed forgiveness is even remotely needed. They know we tried our best.

SusieQ is correct, it is not unusual for people to want to die alone. Something inside of them waits for you to go out of the room. So please try not to feel badly about it. Your dad likely made that choice. This is well documented in the literature about the dying.

I think that's what I was expecting - that he'd sort of be unconscious by that point and would just pass away in his sleep.

But I heard that horrible death rattle stop and so I rushed into the room, just in time to see him struggling for his last breath. It was downright traumatizing.

Greyfort Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I think that's what I was expecting - that he'd
> sort of be unconscious by that point and would
> just pass away in his sleep.
>
> But I heard that horrible death rattle stop and so
> I rushed into the room, just in time to see him
> struggling for his last breath. It was downright
> traumatizing.


I found my husband still warm but no longer breathing probably just under a minute after he died. He had a lot of breaks in his breathing for days. I didn't hear anything from him. No "death rattle."

Aww, Susie, that must have been so difficult. (((hugs)))

Okay, here's another story. There was six months between my mom's first stroke and the final stroke that killed her. During that time I took care of her each day after getting home from a long day of work. I would cook for her, bathe her, help her get dressed and undressed, etc. About two days before she died, I decided it was time to wash her hair, so I did. But I was too exhausted to get out the curling iron and curl it. I thought, I will do that another day. Well that other day never came. I'll never forget seeing her lying on a table in the emergency room after her death (I didn't know what else to do, so I called 911,) thinking, "I really wish I had curled her hair." I felt that she had deserved that final dignity. *sigh*

My dad will have been gone for 17 years this August. I wasn't there when he passed either, app 2,000 miles away. He died suddenly from a botched biopsy, so it wasn't even something any of us could have prepared for.

Two of my brothers were with him over that weekend however, which was unusual. One flew in from Colorado. The other from California because both of them felt "prompted" to. They were with him all weekend and both were due to fly home on Sunday. Instead they stayed one more day because dad was scheduled for a biopsy on Monday morning, 60 miles away. They drove him so he wouldn't have to drive himself.

He went in at 7:30 in the morning. By 7 that evening my brothers were making the decision to pull the plug because he was brain dead from loss of blood. If they hadn't gone to see dad on a prompting and then delayed their return trip by an extra day he would have died alone.

If I had gone I'd have been bouncing off the walls at the doctors for causing his demise. That may be why I wasn't "prompted" for going. That and my obligations I had where I was with home and family. My dad knew that I loved him, and we'd made our peace before he passed away from an earlier visit I'd made that spring. I doubt there's ever a good time or an ideal way to lose a parent.

Mourning is healthy IMO. Remembering your loved one is too, and so is honoring them including the anniversaries. Where I worship now at synagogue the members recognize anniversaries of the deaths and birthdays of loved ones already passed on. It's what they do as a loving tribute. It connects us with our past in a good way.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/24/2017 06:31PM by Amyjo.

My dad died suddenly 24 years ago. I was 17. I'm now older than he ever was, which is impossibly weird.

Oh, how I miss him.

>>I'm now older than he ever was, which is impossibly weird.

Yes, it is an odd milestone. My dad died at age 63. It felt odd when my brother matched and then exceeded his age. My brother is now enjoying the retirement that I had always wished for my dad after a lifetime of hard work.

I am 60 years old. When I was a kid, 63 seemed old to me. Now, not so much.

My Dad died at 53, I am now 62 and my brother 65. It is weird. He has been gone more of my life than he was here. Does not change the fact that 39 years later I still miss him.

My Mom died 9 years ago. We were both with her. The death rattle had been going on for hours. We were debating if we should leave and get some sleep. I was refusing to budge so she settled the debate and died.

Neither of us was with Dad, I was picking people up at the airport, my brother was at the attorney delivering paperwork to get my Dad off my Grandmother's assets. My Mom said it was peaceful and I choose to believe it.

My mother was in a nursing home for a short stay after a hospital admission. The night before she passed away, I went to visit her and my one older disabled brother was there. They had forgotten to bring my mother dinner. My disabled brother said he'd go back the next night to make sure she got dinner on time. He got there about 7 p.m. and when he walked in, my mother was dead, holding a fork in her hand while eating dinner. She was alone. She had been completely lucid all day long.

Two months later, my dad died in the middle of the night. He looked as though he was trying to get up out of bed. He was also alone. My other disabled brother found him.

I believe my parents left the way they did for some of the reasons people have posted AND to spare my disabled brothers (especially the lifetime disabled one) the experience.

I want to die like my parents did. They had chronic illnesses, but were still functional when they died, still driving, etc. All my aunts and uncles have lingered in nursing homes.

I will FOREVER miss them every day of my life.

My mom was in a hospital 3 1/2 hours away from her home. I wasn't able to be with her at the time of her death but she did have family with her. Sometimes I wish I could of been there during last moments but most of the time I am glad that I wasn't there because I didn't ever want to remember that way.