(***This is a satire)

AP - Boca Raton, Florida

In a stunning press conference announcement today, convicted pedophile billionaire Jeffrey Epstein ( http://www.news.com.au/world/north-america/jeffrey-epstein-allegedly-targeted-well-known-actress-when-she-was-13/story-fnh81jut-1227199126718 ) announced his intention to become a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

"For years, society has tried to make me feel 'dirty', just because I am a sociopathic, serial pedophile sex predator", remarked Epstein. "But once I began to investigate Mormonism, and the life of the Prophet Joseph Smith - especially his remorseless deflowering of fourteen year old Helen Mar Kimball, fourteen year old Nancy Winchester, two sets of his own teenaged foster daughters, and so many others - I realized that my obsessive sexual assaults on underage girls were probably divinely inspired.

"I am therefore pleased today to announce that I intend to join the only religion whose apologists still blatantly rationalize this type of behaviour: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I welcome all those with pedophilic, sexually abusive tendences to join me in singing 'Praise to the Man', and also, to help stop adult members of the LGBT community from marrying - because those people are sick and defective".



Edited 4 time(s). Last edit at 01/30/2015 06:42PM by Susan I/S.

Now, replace "Jeffrey Epstein" with "Roman Polanski."

I should have included Polanski in the satire

If it were true, the "patriarch" giving him (a Jew) his patriarchal blessing would probably have a fit getting his "tribe" right...:)

But I'm sure he'd be welcomed. After all, he's not gay...

and, the Lostprophets Ian Watkins, while serving his 29 year sentence in prison. Has found solace in the book of Mormon and the life and crimes of joe smith



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/30/2015 08:14PM by lunarquaker.

In related news, perhaps Jerry Sandusky is now taking the missionary discussions, although he prefers the missionaries to act them out through interpretive dance and wrestling.

Good, now they can really grease some palms and get that damn Rome Temple back on track! :-)

Perhaps he might like to expand his sexual repertoire on his Caribbean island.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/crime/11371480/Man-accused-of-having-sex-with-a-Shetland-pony-was-found-smelling-strongly-of-horses.html

Considering that the MORmONS really did temple baptize Adolf Hitler into MORmONISM (multiple times to make sure it had a chance to take)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b4HRYrxqtGk

AND that MORmONS really did perform the vicarious temple endowment for Jesus Christ....... (as IF god might have forgotten, but then again we are talking about MORmON Jesus in this instance, some one stupid enough to implement the use secret handshakes for his earthly religion, after He created the universe) and that they had Gordon BS Hinckley as the spiritual leader......

Its really hard to compete with MORmONS when it comes to portraying MORmONS as stupid, but it is fun to try.

Roman Polanski gets away with it because he's a "brilliant artist" with the right critical accolades (e.g. Upper West Side Playwrite/Critic David Ives).
Jeffrey Epstein gets away with it because he's a rich "financier" with the right political connections (e.g. Bill Clinton).
Pedophiles got away with abusing altar boys for generations.
Only now are the British seriously investigating politically connected pedophiles from the 1970s, 80s, and 90s.

Warren Jeffs is a back-country hick with aberrant religious beliefs, but he doesn't get away with it.

The rich and the powerful have always screwed the vulnerable: financially, politically, socially, sexually. Call it sin or call it natural selection, it's just the way things are.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/31/2015 12:19PM by caffiend.

hi i want to be billionaire assist me i refuse povert

Great Satire...... well said and unfortunately could be true.

It does say a lot about the FLDS Satanic CULT in Short Creek right now. The Feds are going after the financial crap they have on this slimy CULT. Don't get me wrong. That thrills me completely. But, there is a part of me that would like every pedophile in Short Creek [which means 100% of the men in the SLIMY CULT] to be charged with child rape, multiple counts!

The financial situation is a great start but the pedophilia should be dealt with very harshly too. I would guess [conservative estimate] that at least 2500 children have been molested since 1953 [1st raid]. SATANIC CULTS just never quit until they are forced to quit very forcifully. My proof is Warren Jeffs. From prison issuing orders to the followers and they are still worshipping his EVIL ASS! Warren makes Charles Manson look like a choirboy!

It is going to take a lot to bring this down and I hope they go after every single piece of evidence there is. I hope the people who are sick to death of this EVIL CULT will testify against these slime balls. For once have a testimony that actually does some good for the entire society! My fingers are crossed.

Is the Duke of York joining too? What would the queen think?

Been watching this story since 'the Dersch' was involved/implicated.

The bastards! The whole lot of them. LOVE to see 'the list' published.

Human