It's Sunday and going to church always brings out the angst for some reason, but today I was ruminating about my childhood and how HORRIBLE I was. I was ridiculously cruel to my pets and little brother. I was constantly stealing stuff from people's houses and at school. I intentionally broke my best friend's toys. I was always lying, bullying other kids, and just doing messed up stuff in general and I never felt sorry about it. In fact, I enjoyed destroying property, stealing, and causing trouble. And this went on from ages 3-12. I finally grew out of it in my teenage years and now I wouldn't even dream of acting like that.

My behavior couldn't have been normal, right? What caused me to be like that for so long?

I feel nothing but shame. I hate myself for what I was and wish I could go back and change it.

Why feel guilty for anything that made you who you are? Mormon programmed self loathing? No thanks.

There's no accounting for the various forms of self denial we find ourselves imprisoned in. So don't.

There's this catch phrase, "acting out." Your youthful activity might find its genesis via a guided exploration of this possibility.

Scroll down on this page; there was a study:

https://us.ditchthelabel.org/why-do-people-bully/

"Those who bully are more likely to feel like their friendships and family relationships aren’t very secure. They are more likely to feel like those who are closest to them make them do things that they don’t feel comfortable doing and aren’t very supportive or loving."

I almost feel like Dallin and I are buds.

Sundays bring out the worst in me and so does religion they made me feel like the devil and so i believed it. Unprogramming is a bitch.

I was thinking about forgiveness a lot today. Can you apologize to your brother, family and friends? What steps can you take to repair those relationships? Get them gift certificates or take them to lunch and talk about what happened to clear the air. You may be pleasantly surprised how willing folks will forgive you. We all made stupid mistakes growing up and have regrets. Report back after you found a way to make peace with your past and those folks.

You would have to consult a professional psychologist or counselor (which may not be a bad idea even if the maladaptive behaviors are no longer problematic.) But from working with kids for a long time, here are some thoughts. It's possible that you didn't get enough attention from your parents. Kids will do *anything* to get sufficient attention, even if it's strongly negative behaviors. You could have been very angry, as cl2 suggests. Anxiety could also have been an issue.

I had a childhood friend who was much like you as a youth. Finally I broke it off with her when I decided that her behavior was not something I wanted to be around. Like you, (I heard that) she eventually grew out of it.

I know why I engaged in vandalism as a boy. You need look no further than my home and church for the answer.

I think it was the cause of my destructive ways as well.

Be glad you outgrew it. Some people never do and go through life like that, with no regrets for horrible behavior.

You are one of the lucky ones.

You grew up.

I was a rebellious child at church and home. Not enough to get me in major trouble, but enough to be disciplined every so often.

Kids who act out and are rebellious are often emotionally healthier than their siblings and peers - if they are distancing themselves through their rebellion to the dysfunction in their environment. Mormonism with its accompanying dysfunction can do that to the best of kids.