So, I have posted many things about my past marriage on here, especially my TBM ex-wife and her narcissistic tendencies. Long story short, we divorced in December. I started dating a woman pretty seriously shortly thereafter. I was 3 weeks into the dating when I noticed some red flags with the woman. She reminded me of my ex wife. I persisted because I thought I was being oversensitive. Things finally came to a head and became too much for me and I broke it off on the advice of several loved ones. I was essentially dating my ex wife and I realized it.

That relationship ended in June. A month later, I met a woman, whom I am currently dating, and we hit things off right away. We would stay up every night texting late into the night having deep conversations about everything from religion to our past marriages. Let's just say we have a ton in common and we would have to force ourselves to go to sleep or we'd text each other all night. Our first official date was a huge hit-held her hand and kissed after a few hours. Felt like I'd known her forever and never thought a woman like her even existed. We are now 2 and 1/2 months in. She's met my kids, they love her, we spend a ton of time together with her son. I love her very much and have told her and she has told me the same. We do a ton of stuff together and spend as much time together as we can.

Here's the tough part for me: I was in a marriage where my wife blamed me for everything. She would also yell at me telling me I was crazy and how bad a person I was, then tell me she loved me the next day. Made me wonder how you could tell a person you loved them, right after telling them what a screwed up shit they were.

This woman tells me she loves me and shows me all the time. Genuinely, and I believe her. But, when we aren't together, I am very melancholy. Sad, yes, that I miss her, but it's a bit different. I am afraid. Afraid I will lose her and afraid she will get bored of me and want to leave and not love me anymore. Now, I haven't made any changes in my behavior around her, and it's not affecting us...yet. I love her like I've never loved anybody in my entire life (38 years old), and I am so afraid I will do something to mess it up (courtesy of the ex-wife's thinking) or that she will get bored of me and want to end it. No signs have pointed to any of those outcomes, but I am still afraid of it happening. When I am with her, I don't feel that way. When I am not with her, I feel it all the time and find myself thinking about it way too much. I am not a clingy person and very confident about who I am and my prospects in life, but am petrified of losing her because she is everything I have ever wanted in a woman; in every way. Why do I feel like this???

But somehow I've held onto this one for almost 13 years, the guy I wished I had married back when I was 20. He came back into my life when I was 47 and he was 51. He was my dream for years. He was just divorcing and we were at a distance--Colorado and Utah. I was so afraid of losing him that it almost drove me nuts. I did crazy things. My therapist said I had my finger on the eject button out of fear of losing him. He kept telling me there were other fish in the sea and that I needed to not be so afraid. I told him if it didn't work with this guy, I didn't plan on ever dating again (and I mean it).

Then my parents died. Both of them in 2 months. And then I realized I had a good life. I had 2 great kids, had had wonderful parents, and I had wonderful dogs, and if he wanted to come along for the ride, he could, but I wasn't going to be afraid anymore. Guess what? Everything changed. The relationship has been better since.

When I realized I could survive if I lost him and that I had a good life, I have done much better.

You say you're not that great at relationships, cl2, but I think you're advice is very insightful.

Jdoubledub, give yourself some time and you will probably calm down. I remember all those feelings when I was in a new relationship after a divorce. My ex was the jealous type and didn't have great self esteem and so he kind of took it out on me. So my confidence wasn't where it should have been. Slowly, with my new partners steady love, I began to lose the little insecurities and the "he'll lose interest" thoughts. Mature love isn't so fickle. Things calm down in an atmosphere of kindness and comfort.

That's exactly what I feel- if I lose her, I'll never date again. But like you, I do realize I have a pretty good life and I should just be happy she's along for the ride right now. I just hate feeling like this- I have never felt this type of feeling either and it is driving me crazy. But, I will try and focus. Thanks!

Insecurity.

Sometimes insecurity is irrational.
Yours might be a little bit (after all, she's NOT any of the women from your past), but also likely experience-based.

Women in your past have treated you like crap. You (quite naturally) have this deep-down expectation that she will, too.

So ponder that. Realize she's NOT the women from your past. Realize that, despite your experiences, you haven't got a clue how she's going to act in the future -- there's no more chance she'll act like the women from your past than there is she won't.

Then enjoy the ride, be pleasantly (or, hopefully not, unpleasantly) surprised by how she DOES act, and add more experiences to your life.

:)

I agree with the responses here, and would like to add...

If this lady is going to be your bestie, maybe she's having the same sort of feelings, too, and you could ask her about it, air it out a bit.

"Hon, do you ever feel like this is too good to be true, and become afraid of something going wrong?"


If the relationship is as in sync as you say, dimes to dollars she gets afraid, too. I probably would be scared when parted - 2.5 months, that's pretty new, 75 days or so, and you're already old and gray with her, counting grandchildren from your rockers on the porch.

Talk to her. really talk to her about the real you. Enjoy growing your friendship, and have a blast! :)

Yes, insecurity.

(Women find it attractive)

Just run....best cheapest advice your gonna get...jk sort of...don't try to figure it out...you can't

Hey, if she does dump you, who's the real loser? She is!!!

Look at yourself hard in the mirror say that to yourself, once in the morning and once at night. And if she's staying over and hears you, even better!

Doesn't mean you won't lose her, but she'll wonder why you were smiling when she went into the dump-drama. Takes all the fun out of it for'em.

I agree about talking it over with her. And keep it in mind: where is she going to find another you?


"Women are tricky! You need to plan on staying about 100 gold pieces ahead of them."
- - Judic West, Personal Counselor to King Henry VIII

You've been used to dysfunctional relationships, so a good relationship probably feels a bit odd to you.

I'm going to put this out there -- give yourself permission to just enjoy each other for a while. There is no rush. This isn't Mormon dating! Don't be so worried about your feelings for each other. You've only known each other for what, three or four months? I realize that you are excited about this woman, but take a breath and relax. Ask yourself, what are three qualities, traits, or habits about her that are not quite so wonderful? You want to try for a balanced perspective.

You might think about dialing back the relationship for a while. After 2 1/2 months everybody loves everybody. Ah, I wish it was that easy.