Right before we were graduating, a girl in my ward got up and said something along the lines of...I don't know where I'd be without the church, I'd probably be a hooker or something.
No lie. AWKWARD!

lexaprosavedme Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Right before we were graduating, a girl in my ward
> got up and said something along the lines of...I
> don't know where I'd be without the church, I'd
> probably be a hooker or something.
> No lie. AWKWARD!


At least she had a fall back position ready...

:)

Something I saw - not heard.

My Las Vegas friends invited me to attend F&T meeting with them. She nudged me and whispered that the next speaker was a homeless man she had befriended.

He got up to the podium and announced that no one in the ward really cared about him. So ge gave the audience his middle finger as he walked out of the meeting.

Next?

An older man had lost his long time wife. Next week he stood up and announced that god had told him not to get rid of her clothes, because he would re-marry soon and his new wife could wear her clothes.

-- we should avoid all words that start with "D" because Devil starts with D and Satan is using those "D" words to depress us and drag us down.

-- Crop circles are a sign that the Second Coming is going to happen any day now (this was in the 90s).

-- It was a blessing that [local toddler] died in an accident because now his parents will join the church.

Everyone that got up repeated the same words, "I now the church is true." It was like living in Stepford. Creepy.

That should read: I *know*

Silly autocorrect.

Old dude who recently lost his wife said, "You have to breathe in through your nose and breathe out through your mouth to avoid brain tumors."

...ummmm, ok

Super weird guy who looked like Moe from the three stooges said, "My roommate's dog got hit by a car so I blessed it seven times and saved it."

...really now?

Seventeen year old girl said, "I am so happy my brother is getting the priesthood. I wish I was a boy so I could have it too."

...poor girl

Someone on this board told the story of how a new convert bride had stood up to tell how thankful she was for her new husband, and how thankful she was that her husband had such a large penis.

A sweaty, balding man stood at the microphone, his narrow eyes scanning over the pews. "When I lost Margaret," he said, "I was lonely. You can't possibly know the depth of my loneliness. The bishop told me to place my burden before the Lord, and I prayed for a sign. One day, as I was driving to Ace hardware, I heard a voice in the back of the station wagon. Clear as a bell, the voice said to go to the third ward. Go to the third ward. So that Sunday, I attended third ward Sunday school and met Rosie. We've been married for two months now, for time. I testify that the Lord will answer all of your prayers, if you ask with selflessness and humble sincerity." The man said nameajesuschristamen and stepped down to sit with his new bride, who was now a member of the first ward in good standing.

We have had several converts give thanks for the "Mormon Bible".

More telling then funny. Perhaps consequence of 'dunk fast and before discussions finished.