Would appreciate outside perspective(s).

My husband recently changed jobs and unexpectedly got based in Chicago (he's a pilot). I get to see him about 48 hours a week.

We're planning on moving to Wisconsin from the west coast.

We help financially support my mother, who is disabled and lives with my grandmother, who is 80. Technically, my mother is my grandmother's caregiver. In reality, my mother's health and energy is worse than my grandmother's, so I end up helping around the house, often go out for groceries, etc. I also stay with them when my husband is away.

We all have a good relationship with each other.

When we move, my mother's car insurance will have to come off of ours as we'll be in different states. She can't afford to pay it and neither can my grandma. My grandma's finances aren't great, although she does own her own house.

My mom would like to move with us. Is it "unfair" to ask/expect my grandma to move? She thinks she is fully independent although she falls 4-5 times a month, can't drive, can't take out the trash, etc.

My grandma has other children, but they are not interested in caring for her. We are happy to, but we're getting some blowback for wanting her to move with us.

Thought? How should we broach the subject with my grandma? Does my mom have a moral obligation to stay behind?

Thanks!

If I am understanding you correctly, you are postulating that, at or near the time when you and your husband move to Wisconsin, that both your mother and your grandmother move to Wisconsin with you and live with you and your husband in the same residence. Is this correct?

The unavoidable thing that you and your husband have to deal with is that, like a first child, the addition of your mother and your grandmother to your residence is going to change you and your husband's relationship, as you and he each make the necessary living adjustments in order to accommodate your two new housemates.

Financially, and on a practical basis, this (all of you living together) would likely make sense.

Emotionally, this might well include some unwanted but necessary modifications to you and your husband's relationship, because, one way or another, your marriage in Wisconsin would now consist of four people, not two.

So far as your grandmother is concerned: what you have outlined about her life now means that she really does not have a practical alternative (unless she wants to go into a residential facility). The fact is: she is not independent anymore, and she has to go where her caretakers go. This is the unfortunate "other side" to living a long life: most of the time, people who do live long lives have to acknowledge, at some point, that they are no longer able to care for themselves. This is going to require some frank, but thoughtful and caring, dialogue---and the realization (by her) that she no longer has an alternative.

On a totally different, but very important, level (this does not concern, nor does it affect, either your mother or your grandmother):

Legally, Wisconsin is a community property state, so (if you are now a resident of either California or Washington state) there would likely be little change in your spousal legal finances and rights...

...and, if you are a resident of Oregon now, you (as one spouse in your marriage) will have increased legal protections in Wisconsin over what you now have in Oregon (because Oregon is not a community property state, though most people mistakenly assume that it is because it is on the West Coast).

When parents or grandparents get older to the point where they can no longer properly care for themselves (either in daily life, or in emergencies), then adult children (most usually) have to step in and renegotiate the parent/child "contract," in accordance with the real life reality that the roles have now switched.

This is a basic fact of modern human life...and, if people live long enough, this process generally has to be gone through on a regular, generation by generation, basis.

It is often awkward: I am remembering when I had to initiate legal measures to get my father to stop driving, because he was a hazard to himself, to anyone else on the road, or to anyone (including children) who happened to be walking within range of his Jeep. He was more than a little pissed at me at the time...but he told me a few months later that I had done the right thing and he was proud of me.

Now you are in that position, and I wish you and all of your family the very best in your new lives in Wisconsin.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 10/25/2017 01:55AM by Tevai.

The only advice I can give is that when you are young, your parents look after you, when they are old it's OK to look after them.

As they get more frail, it gets more difficult and sometimes infuriating, but they had to do the same when you were little.

I went through that with my dad, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Language, please. ;) - "ask" and "expect" are very different things,

You are not responsible for the decisions that others make, when you ask something of them. Your mother has not only the right to choose what to do, but the need to do so, and the only statement I would make is something along the lines of supporting her decision(s). She is way too old to be manipulated by her mother, forced to stay away from her daughter due to her mother's stubborness.

Your logistics are fact - you will move. If they choose not to come, short of declaring g'ma incompetent, there is no decision for you to make, except to allow others their choices and consequences.

"Of course I want you and g'ma to come, mom, but you must decide what you are going to do."

No matter what she does, unless she manipulates her mother into acceptance of the move, your mom is going to he hurt. That is not your fault. Your primary responsibility is to your life, and then next is to your husband. Your mother must make the same sort of choices.

G'ma may feel the discomfort of her decision to live alone, if your mother chooses to go. Her joining you later is a door that can remain wide open. Likewise, your mother may choose to leave her mother later, if she decides to stay for now. You three are not joined at the hip, nor are any of these decisions carved in stone .

I would ask that you guard against becoming a part of the drama, or bringing the drama into your marriage, as it sounds that his in-laws are enough of a concern already.

It is not wrong to ask; it is wrong to expect. Free yourself in knowing the difference.

It might be impossible to get grandma out of her house, and putting her in a new house can cause all kinds of confusion and heartache. Here in Philadelphia, we have the Philadelphia Corporation for the Aging (PCA) which can evaluate the needs of seniors, and provide them with housekeeping and nursing care at home, charging commensurate with income. Also in Pennsylvania, Adult children are legally responsible for the care of their parents. Might want to check and see if siblings can be forced to kick in for support instead of it all falling on you. Check for a nearby Elder-care lawyer and get a consultation.

Bring your mom with you. You can't force your grandmother to move, but you can express your concerns to her, and help her to make plans for when your mom comes with you. Your community should have an agency that centralizes information and resources for seniors. Leave the door open so that your grandmother knows she is welcome if she ever wants to make the move as well.

My personal experience is that it is better to have a parent move close to you sooner rather than later. This gives your parent time to get to know her new community and to build friendships.

I also feel that parents are better off owning a home as long as possible. Rents become onerous with dwindling incomes. Perhaps you and your husband could look for a home with an attached cottage or separate apartment for your mom. That way she could have her own place for as long as possible. Barring that, I would put her as close to you as you are able.

Sounds to me that there needs to be sit down meeting with all interested parties, you, your husband, your Mother, your grandmother, grandma's other children and possibly an independent moderator and lay out all the facts of the situation.

Have an open discussion of the options and impacts of all the possibilities.

If grandma insists on staying in her house and you move, the family has to figure who is going to pickup the work and support you have provided. It's getting to the time everyone needs to share the situation.

Good luck, but open communication is absolutely needed.

Let grandma sell her house and put the money toward a bigger house for all of you.
That way, you can stay together.

Some people can make this work,provided they all get along well.

A friend of mine is an only child and her parents moved in after contributing to them buying a large house.They had their own en-suite in the other wing of the house.
Moreover, after my friend had a child she had built-in babysitters and was able to get back to a job she liked.

It has worked out very well.