Hi, all you beautiful bitches. Former regular here, posting under a different pseudonym, confused and looking for input.

I am a man, quite happily married for more than a dozen years who has always been romantically and sexually attracted to women. Still am. However, I recently admitted to myself that I am also attracted to gay men and have been for a very long time. I told my wife, who couldn't have been more supportive and nonchalant about my admission, but I don't know what to think about myself or my own preferences.

I am somewhat of a crusader for social equity; once I left the church several years back, LGBTQ rights became a very important issue for me. I assumed I was championing a cause that directly affected my family - I have a sibling who is gay - but now I wonder if I was really fighting for my own sexual identity.

Within the last year I have found myself flirting with a number of gay men that I met; I recognized that I felt an attraction, but I tried to dismiss my feelings without much thought. That didn't altogether work, and while listening to a recent Savage Lovecast I had the epiphany, clear as a pillar of light brighter than noonday, that I couldn't ignore this any longer.

I also recognized that I've been unknowingly expressing some attraction since at least my mission. I had a really good friend, another elder, whom I would hang out with whenever possible, who was teased for being gay, even though he swore he wasn't. He got sent home for having sex with one of his flatmates - a zone leader - who, incidentally, got to go home with honor while my friend was sent home to face ecclesiastical punishment.

Previous to my mission I had very little contact with anyone I knew to be gay, and I was so indoctrinated by the church and my Mom's rabid homophobia that I wouldn't have willingly associated with a gay person in my youth. I was an asshole, I know. I was, however, bullied quite a bit by guys and girls who accused me of being gay; I was shy and sensitive and artistic, and this bothered my peers who didn't like the notion of traditional gender roles being subverted. I have spent a good deal of time in my life trying to convince people I know - people I'm close to, even - that I'm truly 100% hetero.

Returning to the present, my wife and I are very open with one another. Our marriage is solid, and I am every bit as in love with her and attracted to her as I've ever been. I believe that she feels the same. We also have a somewhat open sexual relationship, though, because we know that we both have needs that the other cannot meet. We remain emotionally monogamous while recognizing our varied sexual appetites. My wife has said that she would be fine with me exploring a same-sex encounter. I'm more nervous about it.

I've had both heterosexual and homosexual fantasies since I was a kid. When I discovered porn I was drawn more to the photos and videos featuring women, but I have occasionally had fleeting preferences for gay erotica.

(Jesus, this is getting long... That is not a euphemism.)

Anyway, what are your thoughts? Do you have any suggestions? I will be discussing this with my therapist when I see her next, but I wanted to solicit some opinions from you all in the meantime. Thanks in advance.

I think you have already answered your own question.

It's G-R-E-A-T that you and your wife are on the same page!!!

It looks like you have some life adventures ahead of you...

...so you and your wife need to come to some agreements that will protect the relationship you and she share---and these agreements will C-H-A-N-G-E with circumstances and time, so make sure you have a workable change mechanism included that you both are comfortable with...

...and, to both of you, have a wonderful, and newly expanded, life.

:)

Tevai

I have sort of a similar back story. I've always been more attracted to women and considered myself straight. But there was a time when I had quite a few gay friends and eventually found myself feeling attracted to one of them. I told him about my feelings and one night we drank some wine together and fooled around. It was okay but after experiencing it I decided that it really wasn't for me.

I was always so scared that I was gay, but really who cares? At this point I sort of suspect it's possible for all of us to be attracted to anyone, no matter their anatomy. Maybe we have greater or lesser degrees of same sex attraction (or, for those who identify as homosexual, maybe they have a little bit of opposite sex attraction), but I think we're all at least a little bi.

Anyway, I guess I'm glad I tried it. Now I feel like I have a little bit deeper understanding of my sexual attractions than I did before. Whether you should explore this side of yourself, that's up to you.

I've had the same kind of experience but from a gay point of view. Bicuriosity goes both ways. For practical purposes we use three easy categories: gay, bi, straight. In reality though it's a wee bit more complicated. These labels are only some kind of general patterns of sexual attraction and romantic interest, it doesn't mean every urge, thought, passion e.t.c. falls in line with the general pattern. Your sexual orientation label is like describing the climate, not what the weather is going to be on any specific day.

I've been turned on by women on occassion, once or twice I've even had a real crush in some girl. Yet then I've had gay affairs that confirmed the gay category pretty definitely for me. Turned out french-kissing a dude turned me on ten times that of french-kissing a girl.

I don't know about you but I am.

I think sexuality is varied and layered... more so than we give ourselves credit for.

I identify as "heterosexual" because my romantic interests are almost exclusively female, but I am also physically attracted to men. If I were to label myself accurately I would be "heteroromantic bisexual"...



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/20/2015 07:29PM by AKA Alma.

"heteroromantic bisexual"

I fall into this category as well. I've had sexual encounters with women, but have never had a desire to have a long term committed relationship with a woman.

As to the OP, if you and your wife are comfortable with you exploring and it is something that you want to try, then I say enjoy the experience ;) Also, would she be open to being with you...ie, a threesome with a bisexual male? But whatever you and she decide, all parties involved need to practice safe sex.

eunice Wrote:
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> As to the OP, if you and your wife are comfortable
> with you exploring and it is something that you
> want to try, then I say enjoy the experience ;)
> Also, would she be open to being with you...ie, a
> threesome with a bisexual male? But whatever you
> and she decide, all parties involved need to
> practice safe sex.

I have always (since I was growing up...I had eclectic reading tastes ;) ) wanted to receive such an invitation...

...but Alas! ... it has not (yet!) happened...

Good addition, eunice!

Awwww...thank you tevai :) I hope the right invitation finds you soon ;)

ETA: And if you are anything like the Urban Dictionary definition of Tevai, I'm sure you will have no problem receiving such an invite: "Tevai's are always incredibly good looking, smart, kind, charming and are some of the most fun people you'll ever meet."



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/20/2015 09:03PM by eunice.

eunice Wrote:
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> Awwww...thank you tevai :) I hope the right
> invitation finds you soon ;)

That would be really nice...

:)

eunice Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Awwww...thank you tevai :) I hope the right
> invitation finds you soon ;)
>
> ETA: And if you are anything like the Urban
> Dictionary definition of Tevai, I'm sure you will
> have no problem receiving such an invite: "Tevai's
> are always incredibly good looking, smart, kind,
> charming and are some of the most fun people
> you'll ever meet."

When I chose my screen name, I wanted something Polynesian (because none of my prior screen names had ever been Polynesian)...so I went through several lists of female Polynesian names and found "tevai," which meant something like "a pleasing confluence of waters." This resonated with me (I was born next to a warm ocean), so this is how I chose my name.

I had no idea that "tevai" was in the Urban Dictionary.

You have just gifted me with a wonderful list of aspirations and goals to try to achieve, in order to live up to the potential of my chosen name!!

Thank you, eunice!!

You are appreciated!! :D

We always use protection, so that's not an issue.

As far as my wife is concerned, multiple men in the bedroom is often preferrable, and she actually suggested we try to get together with a bisexual man. To be honest, I'm struggling with this more than she is. She shed her Mormon sexual hangups much more effectively than I did.

I know I'm overreacting to this; I guess a little freakout is part of the process of self-discovery.

Yes, being "freaked out" by all of this new discovery and freedom is expected...especially after all the years of suppression as a mormon. Take things at your own pace and only do what you feel comfortable doing. Are their "lifestyle" socials or clubs in your area? If there are, these may be a less pushy option to see how comfortable you are. At any of the ones I have been to no one is allowed to force themselves on anyone else...everything is only by mutual consent.

There are lifestyle clubs in my area, but we're not really lifestyle people; there are certain cultural trends within that we disagree with, and we're not party folks. But it wouldn't be difficult to come into contact with a sympathetic ear or a helpful...other appendage.

I imagine we will seek out a couple in a similar situation online and talk it out first. Then we'll proceed from there.

If a more intimate encounter with just one other person or a couple is more comfortable for you and/or your wife, then that would be a better route to go in exploring your bisexuality/bicuriousness. Also, as you chat with another couple do not feel pressured to meet immediately. I've found that people who are pushy about meeting immediately tend to be more concerned with their desires and not about making the other person/couple comfortable or in making it a mutually enjoyable encounter. Also, do not feel pressured to do anything on a first meet and greet...always first meet in a public place.

Do you find yourself thinking about a specific man (men) or just the erotic part of sex with a man? Sex is sex but to me being gay, straight or bi is emotional. Anyone can have sex with another person. A sex act does not make you anything.

Are you ok with your wife banging other guys? You need to decide if your chase erotic sex or your desires.

http://vistriai.com/kinseyscaletest/

http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/research/ak-hhscale.html#how

I think you know the answer to your question. A bisexual ex-boyfriend used to say. "You're only gay if you kiss a guy on the lips."



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/20/2015 07:54PM by Itzpapalotl.

Itzpapalotl Wrote:
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> I think you know the answer to your question. A
> bisexual ex-boyfriend used to say. "You're only
> gay if you kiss a guy on the lips."

This is the most romantic thing I can think of doing. What does that say about me?

I think it varies for people. Just embracing too much can probably be uncomfortable for people who can have sex together without feeling they did anything romantic.

Intimacy and sex are often two very different things, in my opinion.

You have a somewhat open marriage?

Well, so long as neither of you fall in love with a sexual partner, nor bring back and unpleasant payload, all should be well.

You sound bi to me, but how you identify is exclusively up to you, dude.

Whatever you discover about yourself, it's fine. Sexuality is something I have learned a great deal about in the last few years. Not many 64 year olds can say this, but I'm open to new stuff. The important Thing is that you are true to yourself.

"My wife has said that she would be fine with me exploring a same-sex encounter."

Be aware that this could dramatically affect your views on your sexuality. Before I had sex with a man, I had sex with a woman and pretty much thought I was straight. Then I had sex with a man and my whole world in regards to sexuality changed.

I suppose that this is possible but probably not likely in my case. That being said, my wife and I have already spoken about this possibility, and we're good enough friends to sort our lives out if proves to be true.

Thanks for your input!

I didn't think there was any chance for me.

Just saying. It can be far more powerful than you imagine.

I am also not saying do not explore, just stating my experiences for your consideration



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/20/2015 11:28PM by MJ.

I long for the day when the answer to questions like, "Am I gay?" and "Am I bi?" is, "So what if your are?"

I like to look at chix-with-dix. What does that mean?

rationalist01 Wrote:
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> I like to look at chix-with-dix. What does that
> mean?

You used to be Thai in a very recent lifetime???

;) ;) ;)

The reason Kinsey came up with his scale was to organize his data from multiple data points. For you as an individual you really have no pressing need for a label or "identity". As demonstrated in your excellent post, you already know much more about the subtleties of your sexuality than any label can convey.

Was Beethoven a classical or romantic composer? We may have fun debating it, but Beethoven himself didn't care--he just composed music that sounded good to him.

Sometimes, you feel like a nut.

Sometimes, you don't.

I think a side benefit of the increasing acceptance of people who identify as gay is that people that identify as straight are less likely to be alarmed by or ashamed of homosexual feelings of their own. I think lots of straight people have them. And I think that virulent gay haters and bashers are people who are frightened and alarmed by their own homosexual feelings and impulses. Or at least that is an element of their motivation.

bentleye Wrote:
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> I think a side benefit of the increasing
> acceptance of people who identify as gay is that
> people that identify as straight are less likely
> to be alarmed by or ashamed of homosexual feelings
> of their own. I think lots of straight people
> have them.

I agree, bentleye...the benefits of this new level of acceptance extend well into society at large.

Who cares? Be who you are! The Boner.

I think that I probably qualify as bi. I think sex with guys is fun and actually prefer it to women BUT I never fell in love with another guy. I fell in love with a woman.

So, I made my choice and practice straight sex monogamy. I don't regret anything.