She lost her only child to a drunk/high driver just before Christmas.
He was 26 and left behind a wife and small child who live a three hour drive away. He was helping someone on the highway when the impaired driver ran him over traveling on the wrong side of the road.

My friend cannot stop crying hard every day. Her husband can get her to eat, and she has started a craft project to get her to have something to do.

But does anyone have ideas for a good book or two?
She hasn't found a grief group or grief minister yet.
She lives in the Spokane area.


Thank you all so much for your suggestions!

I don't know of a good book. If you find one that helps, please share. But until she finds some professional or ministerial help or a group, just be sure and rally her friends to be there until time can do it's work. Time most often (not always) is the healer. And sometimes that healer has to pour a lot more medicine on some people than on others. I can imagine this one will take a long time. The wound scars over but never completely disappears.

I know it's simplistic, but I have found that often acknowledging people's severe grief and helping them own the right to have it helps. It helps keep them from the mindset that they can never get past it so they might as well give up. And as funny as it sounds, reminding them that it's ok to just go through the motion of living--taking care of their basic needs, until they can add one thing at a time into their routine.

I hope for all the best for your friend. She is lucky to have someone like you to seek help for her.

Have her contact the Compassionate Friends organization a.s.a.p.

http://www.compassionatefriends.org/Find_Support/Chapters/Local_Chapters.aspx

Here's the Facebook page for the Spokane Chapter:

https://www.facebook.com/TCF.of.Spokane

This is a support group made up of only those who have experienced the loss of a child (of whatever age) and who are going through the same process. The meetings are NOT conducted by professional counselors (and that's a good thing).

I've been helped by this process and this group over the years. My 2 year old son was killed by a drunk driver, and my 15 year old daughter drowned.

Your friend will NEVER 'get over' this tragedy, but talking with others who are travelling the same path is immensely helpful.

Go with her to a few meetings to give her support. You will then have a better understanding of her grieving process.

I'm sorry, Ragnar. That is a very tragic loss.

As a parent myself I can only cry along. Awful.

In her position I'd offer anything to swap places with the child, anything at all. The only crumb out of this is to hold onto the fact that the son was obviously a good person who was helping someone in need. As parents they must have brought him up right.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/24/2015 12:18PM by pettigrew.

One more thought, be there for her. Talk about him. My best friend lost her 22 year old son to cancer and the hardest thing was no one would mention him. Except the family (I'm family). The memories are there, and need to be shared.

It will be 5 years next week and she still struggles.

As for books I remember reading on Death and Dying after my Dad died. That was 37 years ago, so not sure if it is still in print.

I don't think a parent can ever "get over" the death of a child. Everyone grieves in their own way and their own time frame. My good friend lost a child 25 years ago to SIDS and despite having two other children still grieves for that baby.

Let her talk, let her grieve, let her be silent, let her know you remember him too.

I wonder if she's okay crying? If it's healthy? Maybe the tears and the heartache are what she really needs and should just be respected? Her feelings and emotions are all that she has left for a connection and she needs to hang onto them or all is gone.

Sometimes people need another funeral. Not a real funeral, but just a chance to get together with everyone who loved the person who died. Talk about them formally, have some flowers, make a special meal, and say how much you miss them, but not goodbye. Funerals often don't help that much. It's too soon, especially in a case like this. A little ceremony later can help someone move on. That is a reason many spread ashes a year later.

I know one person who lost a son eerily similar circumstances. She never ever got over it, never got it out of her mind, but she still had quite a nice life with a lot of people who loved her and showed it.

I lost my oldest son a year ago. It hurt; it still hurts, but it does get better -- slowly though. Bit by bit.

Keep being a good friend and tell her to hang in there.

I lost my son 11 years ago due to a car accident. He was 22 years old. It took me nearly two years to start to feel "normal". The first few months I cried every day. I walked the floors at night, unable to sleep. My mind would not shut down and I thought about him every second of every day.

What your friend is experiencing is very normal. She is going through the grief process and she must go through each and every step along the way to finding her new normal. It is gut wrenching and absolutely the worst experience a parent could ever go through.

Do not be afraid of your friend's pain and tears. sit with her, listen to her talk about her son and believe me, she needs to talk about him. She may be fearful of burdening others with her grief. Let her know it's okay, you can handle it. Let her cry, hug her, and just listen. This is the best gift you could possibly give her.

Eventually, your friend with be okay. It's just going to take a whole lot of time.

There are usually grief support groups as a part of Hospice agencies. I would encourage her to attend one.

I lost my son two years ago. About two months after losing him someone gave me the book "Lament for a son" by Nicholas Wolsterstorff. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever read and thinking about how it affected me still brings me to tears. The author was a professor of divinity, so its pretty religious but even as an atheist I found what he wrote to be incomparably beautiful and spoke very well to how I felt about my own son. Its not a cure-all (nothing is) but it really helped me to understand that everyone who loses a child feels the same unbelievably powerful loss.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/080280294X/?tag=googhydr-20&hvadid=32574240918&hvpos=1t1&hvexid=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=18141996130791147906&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=b&hvdev=c&ref=pd_sl_99j44jifkj_b

I highly recommend this book: the grief recovery handbook. Excellent reviews and very helpful in dealing with this kind of grief.

http://www.amazon.com/Recovery-Handbook-Anniversary-Expanded-Edition/dp/0061686077/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1424829662&sr=1-1

http://www.amazon.com/Broken-Heart-Still-Beats-After/dp/1568385560

This is a beautiful book. It is a compilation of writings about child loss from all sorts of thinkers, poets, writers, actors, politicians and more. Each one has lovely words of healing.

Please remind your friend that the feeling that one is going crazy is so normal. Very few people have the patience to hang in there with someone who needs to grieve for a while. When my daughter died, I predicted that people would be really nice to me for about three weeks and then I would be on my own. I was eerily accurate.

"They" used to say it takes a year to grieve a death. Really, two for most deaths--an elderly parent, a friend. Four years of intense grief can follow complicated situations--child loss, suicide loss, murder.

At some point, a new normal ensues. The title of the book is so profound--this broken heart still beats. Breaths still come. The sun comes up. Food starts to have taste again. One day you smile. Then you cry because how dare you smile?!

Not a journey I would wish on anyone.

Thank you so much! She really appreciates your thoughtful comments! She does have a support group and I think your input helped her make up her mind to attend this week. Thank you!

I live several states away and she is a classmate from 40 years ago. I just felt so bad how she was grieving so hard on Facebook, I felt you all would be kind and give her some love too.

It lifted her spirits! Thank you!


The best part she needed to know was her reaction of grief was normal. Even the outcome of the trial did not give her relief. The person who ran over and killed her son while high and under the influence still walks and it is hard to swallow as you all know what I mean by that.

Thank you all so much.

"The best part she needed to know was her reaction of grief was normal."

Her feelings are absolutely 'normal' - that's a very common feeling among those of us who have lost children to death. The sharing of our feelings with others like us is VITAL to the healing process. In my case, only those who shared my experience was any comfort at all.

"Even the outcome of the trial did not give her relief. The person who ran over and killed her son while high and under the influence still walks and it is hard to swallow as you all know what I mean by that."

I also understand her feelings and frustrations in this respect as well. My 2 year old son was killed in 1977, and the drunk driving laws (and so-called 'punishment' for automobile homicide) in Utah in those times were extremely lax. For awhile, it looked like the only punishment the perpetrator would receive was to lose his driving privileges for ONE YEAR! But I did do what I could - legally - to pull his license for many years after that. In the end, karma got him...

I've written about my experiences and what we went through (and how I came out from the other end of this nightmare). If your friend would like, ask her to send me an e-mail, and I can forward to her a couple of relevant chapters. They may be of some help.

gunnar@norwayliving.com

This book really helped me after the death of my dad. Not geared to religion, just factual research and interviews. I would highly recommend it for anyone grieving for a loved one. (It's a relatively new book and the title is easily confused with others with similar titles which aren't that great... so make sure it's this particular book.):

http://www.amazon.com/Glimpsing-Heaven-Stories-Science-After-ebook/dp/B00J1HDBOA/ref=sr_1_50?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1423840349&sr=1-50&keywords=near+death+experience+kindle+books