My TBM wife has been pretty cold to me since Sunday: when I got home from work today she informed me that she called my mother to let her know my status of non-belief in the church. Completely wrong and not her place to do so- her explanation was that this is her life and my lack of non-belief effects her and she is now reaching out to others to inform them of my problem. She did this with our Bishop a few months ago. I have repeatedly told her it is not her place to share my personal feelings with others. She also told me she received a priesthood blessing from the relief society president's husband on Sunday. We have been on this road together with learning about all of the issues of the church and she recently flip flopped back full on TBM. She has told me that I am deceived by STAN. My mother and father have been devastated by my older brother and his family leaving the church last month. I am just beside myself.

"my lack of non-belief"

I think you meant to lack the lack there.

That is rough. But boundaries in a couple is more of a gray area methinks.

"she received a priesthood blessing from the relief society president's husband on Sunday." ?? Really?

Tell her you will be receiving a divorce lawyer's blessing on Monday and mean it. You are married to a BITCH. Dump her. She has no respect for you whatsoever.

"you should be working on listening to her when the two of you talk." - why should the OP have to listen to her? She has obviously not heard a word he has said or even pretended to have any respect for him...

It sounds like she isn't into talking to him anyway. She us too busy announcing to the world his non-belief in the crappy fairy tale that is the CULT.

That business about "getting a blessing from the RS lady's hubby" is an obvious stab at the OP not having the magic penishood anymore.
She has no respect for her husband as her husband. All he ever was to her was a penishood holder. I think he should dump her as fast as possible and find a women who loves him for being him, F*CK the penishood.

That's to bad that it happened the way it did; however, in my experience you will be better off in the long run,

Part of the way my family found out was my brother and sister in law walked into a restaurant and found my wife and I with a bottle of wine on the table.

My SIL played it off like everything was fine, but then ran straight to my parents and told them about what she saw. It led to a huge explosion and I was mad at her because I didn't feel it was her place to do that.

However, in the end, there was no easy way for them to find out and that was as good a way as any. In the end we were able to use that to put everything on the table and let our family know that we no longer believe and get everything out there on the table.

It sucks for sure, but life is better when people understand how you feel.

Just don't let them guilt you into feeling bad about your decision. They are the ones with the problem, not you.

Please spend more time in consideration of your plight; your mom and dad will be able to get through this without your help... Especially when the only thing that might help them is you 'getting back' your testimony.

Your problem is that your wife has divorced her interests from yours. That's where your problem solving talents need to be focused: what are you going to do about it?

I'd be curious as to what might have changed in her life. You indicated that she was not full on TBM, and was working with you on processing the truth claims of the church. But now she has reverted.

Could her visit with the Bishop been the impetus for the change? Who initiated that meeting? That's an important factor.

And were are her parents on the mormon spectrum? Could she even more scared of hurting her parents than you are of hurting yours?

There are all sorts of ways of getting out from under the control of the church, but not everyone is able to just rip off the bandage, and you're obviously in that boat.

And rather than 'instructing' her to whom she may discuss any or all of these issues, you should be working on listening to her when the two of you talk. One of the things you may find out is that she never has had any intention of learning her way out of the church.

All of which boils down to 'I ain't got no answers,' but you should be ASKING her questions and responding like a loving husband. It's very difficult to have too much information about a problem.

And don't get upset with me; anything I know that's worth knowing is because of my girlfriend. Before her, everything is a blur...



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/12/2015 06:42PM by elderolddog.

I'm sorry man. Exact same thing happened to me last year.

First she tells me, "Don't tell the kids, I'm not ready for them to know yet."

Then I get a message at work, I told the kids.

Then I get a text I told your family, well everyone except (my exmo gay brother). And I also told my family and friends.

I was really upset, I had wanted to tell my Mom. We are really close and it pissed me off that she told her. But then I went and told my little bro. (The exmo one) And she got pissed at me for it. Why? Because he would support me in my choice. She was trying hard to get everyone who would be on her side.

The final low blow was how she posted on FB about me.

"I feel so bad for anyone who has ever had to go through their spouse changing their beliefs. WG is now agnostic and doesn't believe."

Of course when I say "Hey the church does this to families all the time. They convert one spouse and it causes issues." She didn't like that. it's ok if the become Mormon, just not the other way around.

I really feel for you man. Hang in there. Sounds like you may be on a path like me. We are still together but it's a struggle. I wish I could say the past year has been easy, but it hasn't.

I would be livid if my wife aired our dirty laundry on fucking facebook.

Tattling is what she has done her whole life. Unfortunately, as an LDS female, she is developmentally stunted. She ran to the nearest worthy (believing) priesthood holder to literally pat her on the head to make her feel like a good girl, in the right.

Your only hope of helping her begin to understand what a betrayal her actions have been is to find a non-LDS therapist. She would need to actually want the marriage to work out, knowing you will not be returning to your nameless, faceless, fake placeholder role.

Sorry you are experiencing such monstrous stress. I hope you can work something out, if not, you will know you gave it your best effort. Good luck!

I agree. This is the adult version of tattling. To the OP, I would ask your wife how long she has been a tattle-tale. Since Kindergarten? Tell her maybe it's time to grow up.

extratelestial Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> she is now reaching
> out to others to inform them of my problem.

This is what I really, really hate. Your "problem." There's nothing the freak wrong with us. Grrrr.

This is much bigger than whether your mother knows or not.

Your wife has shown a complete lack of respect for you as a person. She is using what she manipulatively calls "your problem" to get a pity party started in her honor. I consider what she has done to be betrayal all the while pointing at you as the Benedict Arnold.

When someone starts rallying the troops to back them up, the partnership is over. She is clearly " dividing and intent on conquering."

I feel for you.

+1000

That's exactly what I was thinking too, blueorchid. That's dead on.

She's building up her rally squad. She's doing her level best to get everyone on her team before you talk to them. She's even going after your own family.

What's she's doing is vicious and to me looks like she's building up for a divorce. I could be wrong, but I don't think so.

I've seen this exact same thing a jillion times. My advice for you is to stop telling the enemy your next move. Your wife is NOT your confidant and friend. Her actions are screaming at you that she wants to make you out to be the villain in this story.

madalice Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
>
> I've seen this exact same thing a jillion times.
> My advice for you is to stop telling the enemy
> your next move. Your wife is NOT your confidant
> and friend. Her actions are screaming at you that
> she wants to make you out to be the villain in
> this story.

Yes, yes yes!

Been there done that, bought the divorce t-shirt.

blueorchid nailed it too.

She's isolating you socially. This is a war to her, and you are the enemy.

hello Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> She's isolating you socially. This is a war to
> her, and you are the enemy.

Very true, and please be aware that a full frontal beach assault will lose you the war.

Some skill in managing this is required, and a neutral counselor can't be a bad idea.

Ditch the bitch.

Yikes... you must be so angry with your wife.

Obviously she's trying to control and manipulate you

into staying in the church.

You must feel so alone. I agree with Blue Orchid...your wife

has no respect for you or concern about your feelings.

It sounds like controlling you is more important to her

than your relationship is .


I'm so sorry. That kind of behavior does not bode well for

a long lasting marriage.

To me it looks like maybe she's trying to get allies to help bring you back because she doesn't believe she has the strength to do it herself. I don't think she's thinking divorce - yet.

That being said, if you don't come around, those same allies will be her support if she decides to divorce. And now I'm feeling very uncomfortable as imagine her continuing these conversations and repeating to them anything you say to her. They will certainly ASK her, I imagine.

If you love her and want to stay together, I'd try to convince her not to drive a wedge between you by discussing things you've shared with her in confidence, with other people.

I'm not an expert, so don't mind me if it doesn't sound right.

Same thing happened when I told my wife a few years ago. I understand what you're going through.

But take some solace knowing you are not alone in this. 20 years ago there wasn't a single 'defection' from the church in my very large, very tbm family. In the last two years there have been almost a dozen immediate and extended family members who have stopped attending due to problems with church history.

Good luck to you.

Once again, just be thankful you have the mighty priesthood and have complete control over your wife!

Some will make excuses for her, but this is abusive, manipulative and evil. She is cheating on you. If you were to put your dick in another woman, you would become lowdown worthless scum. But she can cheat in every other way, siding with the whole world against you, and very few call it what it is.

Cheating! She should suffer the same consequences that you would if you had sex with another woman. She should be shamed and receive disciplinary action from church, and lose the advantage in divorce court.

Nothing good about it. All this crap about listening to her is BS. When are we going to treat women as equals and call it like it is? If you were pulling this crap, nobody would coddle you. You would be told to 'man up' and honor your commitments.

Just need to emphasize that you need to tell your wife her actions are at the same level as you having sex with another woman. She is having an emotional affair with church leaders and family members and leaving you out.

Ask her if she is okay with you screwing other women, because what she is doing is at the same level - emotionally screwing with people other than her husband.

A few more thoughts. To those who think its okay, because he will be better off with them knowing, would it be okay if he restricts his wife's diet, so that she is healthier? You don't see a problem there? It is called being a control freak, and is evil.

Since your wife finds it okay to discuss your personal life with everyone, maybe you should share details about her with others. Maybe go to the bishop and tell him that she isn't putting out with the sex. Tell everyone you know in the ward. Maybe get a priesthood blessing so you can better deal with her "problem" with lack of sex.

That's it. Go to the bishop and start bitching over all sorts of stuff your wife is doing or not doing. Not cleaning the house, not doing this or that. Use him like she uses him. Also share dirt with her parents and your parents.

Guys aren't usually very good at this, but you've got to get in the game, man!

And the award for best new screen name goes to....(drum roll)....

extratelestial !!!!!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/12/2015 10:35PM by wine country girl.

Her lack of respect is troublesome.

Time to be an adult and ask yourself: do I want to fix this relationship or is it unrepairable?

Ignoring the whole Mormon issue, she broke the bond of trust with you and a huge one at that.

You could do counseling, sit her down and talk about that she hurt you seriously by breaking your trust in her and you don't how to trust her again by her actions. Yet, this usually lead to excuses in my opinion ("they only had your best interest in mind").

However, I'm leaning towards that you might really start to plan to split because I'm assuming this is a huge trust issue and well there's a slim chance of getting those.

So you have to ask some questions about this relationship and see where your feelings lie.

Your wife is the one who is being "deceived by satan". There is a lot more evidence that Joe was doing the devil's work when he was setting up his church and doing the things he did to others (having sex with young teenagers and other men's wives, establishing the danites, ...). Have your wife try to prove that Joe WASN'T being deceived by satan. By extension, Joe's deceit now falls on her...

My DW did the same, telling the kids and other TBM relatives, but wasn't mean-spirited about it. I had not told her not to do it, and that was my oversight. In the end, it caused no problem, but I really wished she would not have done it.

I agree with blueorchid. She is shitt8ng all over your boundaries and its not ok. A little call to Jesus event is in order.

Tell her you want her to move out. No she can't take the kids or keep the house. She is way over the line cult or no cult its unacceptable.

Perhaps if the consequences of bad behavior become real she will reconsider her behavior.

Rodolfo NLI Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
>
> Tell her you want her to move out. No she can't
> take the kids or keep the house. She is way over
> the line cult or no cult its unacceptable.
>
Oh come on. Don't be a hypocrite on this site.

When a TBM wife finds out her husband has lost the faith, read scary internet sites, maybe even tried a beer, it is common for her to ask him to move out while she thinks about it.

The advice on this forum is universally that he should not move out, it is BOTH their house, that he needs to stay put. If she is offended by his behaviors then she moves out.

This marriage can be saved. It just requires some skill form the OP, some sensible boundaries, and possibly some external non-LDS counseling.

It's just my opinion he should find a way to highlight how egregious the behavior is. There's a good chance she won't go or if she does talk to anyone professionally will get the message. Abusers can't change without some pushback.

Hypocrite???

Rodolfo NLI Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> It's just my opinion he should find a way to
> highlight how egregious the behavior is.

> Abusers can't change without some pushback.
>

Yes, I totally agree with this. 100%

However, throwing a person out of the family home is the hypocrite part. Many people here are threatened with that, and the advice here is the spouse is being unreasonable, stay ion the home.

I'd give the same advice to the OP's spouse. It is her home too, she should stay.

The ONLY time my 'ex' listened is when I got tough, when I called his bluff. Sure we aren't 'together' as he is gay, but I sure put up with a lot of bullshit because I thought if I was careful and did it the right way, I wouldn't end up financially ruined as a single mother. He shit all over me and UNTIL I stood up to him, things NEVER got better.

I think she needs a WAKEUP call. Just like the poster from yesterday who was confused. This woman and the one from yesterday are calling the shots. Stand up to them.

My ex and I are now even living in the same house together. We get along great. He treats me with RESPECT, where he didn't for a long, long time. Now he fears if he steps out of line, he will be OUT OF HERE. (I paid for the house for 15 years by myself.)

Hey everyone. We did have it out this morning. Basically no remorse from her on making the call. She says I'm keeping it a secret from mom and conspiring with my older brother and that it has a negative impact on her and the kids. We live 2000 miles away from my parents. Third grade conversation- speechless. On the bright side, she stated that she will be with me for the long haul while here on earth and will be through with me and our relationship in the next life. I guess moving on to more celestial pastures on the other side. She comes from a home where parents divorced, no traditions or home to come to etc... She wants us to stay together to provide some stability for our kids. She has also informed me that I am decieved and that she has no trust or respect in me at all. Soooo, how long will this 21 year (with 9 children) relationship last? I am just tired of being made the bad guy and tired of holy tirades coming from the other side of the aisle. Some days I just can't find any peace and ask myself everyday when I get home from work before I walk through that door, "will she be a friend or foe"?

So glad you got to have the conversation. Having the cards on the table is good. Even if it's all Wild Cards.

Agreeing to disagree can be good in business and other relationships. I don't see it as viable for the long haul for a marriage. Marriage should not be an endurance contest. I would hope you can get her to see that.

When the dust settles, time does bring clarity to some. I hope that works in your favor. I don't mean her finally seeing the church as false after a bit. I mean her seeing you as "not the enemy" who needs to be tolerated in order to not break up the family. She needs to see the real you again, or for the first time ever if she married an image rather than a man.

<<<Basically no remorse from her on making the call.>>
It was not her place. You do not have a terminal disease or a problem. Shame on her.

<<<She says I'm keeping it a secret from mom and conspiring with my older brother and that it has a negative impact on her and the kids.>>
Tell her it is not a secret but "sacred". It was personal information you were not ready to share. There is a big difference and her decision hurt YOU too. She just compounded her negativity in the marriage by her own doing.

<<<On the bright side, she stated that she will be with me for the long haul while here on earth and will be through with me and our relationship in the next life.>>>
Um, is she doing you a favor by remaining married? It is not a bright thing to remain married to someone who manipulates and selfishly directs your actions like a role in a stageplay about her life.

<<She has also informed me that I am decieved and that she has no trust or respect in me at all.>>
You will have to "agree to disagree" with religion. If you have firmly made your choice and she has made hers, then you are at an impasse. If neither one of you can gain trust and respect, there is no hope for this marriage. Choosing to stay is just imprisonment, not a commitment.

<< Some days I just can't find any peace and ask myself everyday when I get home from work before I walk through that door, "will she be a friend or foe"?>>
For your own sake, go to a counselor just for yourself to talk about relationship conversation strategies. She wants to build her arsenal against you, you need to work on building your armor.

RMM

Despite all of this, I still love her. It has been a hard 4-5 months, but I am going to have to take the long view on it and find a good neutral counselor that will help us find some middle ground and call out unproductive behavior that we both exhibit. I do appreciate all of the supportive comments.

Dear extratelestial,

Please attend counseling on your own. You need to maintain sanity while your wife behaves irrationally. Try to do some positive things for yourself, a new interest or hobby (rather than feeling like an ATM machine).

I hope you find some sort of peace in your world. Best wishes.

She just announced your marriage is over. The only question is how long its takes her or you to pull the plug. Maybe counseling could save it, but if she said what meant, no way.

She doesn't respect you. The only thing worse than a never mo is someone who turned their back on the "truth". She can never respect you when this is her baseline. Never. And she will show it in many ways. Meanwhile, since she's still speshul, you need to bow to her every whim, respecting the bejeezus out of her!

How in the Flying Spagetti Monsters name is that a workable relationship? Unless you have zero, and I mean zero respect for yourself, this won't end like a fairy tale.

Counseling is in order now. NOW! Both individual and marriage. Because while your marriage is probably toast, YOU are still here. Who are you? Do you like you? If not, change. Counseling will help with that.

*She needs to understand that your belief or non belief is a personal decision. It is not HER decision. This is not about HER life. You are a separate individual.

*She crossed boundaries in the relationship. Sharing your personal stuff before you were ready is NOT ok. Telling your Mother to make HERSELF feel better is childish. You are an ADULT and running to tell your Mamma like you are a child to be scolded is unacceptable. Her shame tactics are underhanded.

You need to tell her that her actions create conflict now in your marriage. It will break down trust and your ability to be emotionally intimate and share things with her. How would she like it if you shared something really personal with her family and friends that was NOT meant to be public knowledge? She would probably feel betrayed and unloved. Tell her how YOU feel by her actions.

*Make an effort to inform your parents on your terms and let them know you never wanted to hurt them. You are sorry this news hurt them and because of the past you were not ready to inform them in your own way and time. Decide in advance how much more you want to talk about it. If you are not ready to discuss it more than that: let them know.

*So your wife got a priesthood blessing. What was the purpose in sharing this info? That she had to go to someone ELSE to get it?

YOUR needs, wants, beliefs or lack of them matter as MUCH as hers do. You are not asking HER to change and neither should she. Yes, your actions do effect you and make clear that her actions effect you too.

If you really want to get bold and ask a dangerous question.
Ask "What would you rather have. A happy, peaceful marriage with a Non Mormon husband or a sad, conflicted marriage with a non-believing Mormon husband that plays the part"?

Warning: I asked this question of my ex TBM spouse and was shocked by the answer.

RMM