There are probably more suitable places for this topic on the web but I expect this site better understands the value of venting.

I am NOT seeking advice. I have sought counseling for this.

I love my wife more than I can say. She is the smartest, most mature, stable person I've ever known. My therapist helped me to see that the reason I'm so angry is because I love her. Spare me any "for better or worse" comments. That position is well represented already. This is about not dying from obesity illnesses at age 60 like her dad. It's also about being a mentally present human being instead of just being "there."

She does not have a junk food addiction, no alcohol. She is just extremely sedentary. It baffles me that she can sit motionless, staring at a tablet, for hours and hours without significant physical pain. She is 270-280 lbs at 5'6". No, I did not marry her at that weight, she put it on over the years.

I have voiced my concerns. She knows I sought counseling to cope. I've asked her to join me in counseling. She won't. She will exercise 2-3 times a week for two weeks when I have the audacity to bring it up, then go back to her routine of staring at computer screens at work all day, then staring at tablets all night. It makes me angry, scared, depressed, and physically ill. Therapist told me to approach the issue with love, so I did. Whoops, turns out there's no way to approach it other than as a prick.

I'm still attracted to her, we have sex at least once a week. But if I'm perfectly honest, I have to ignore certain parts of her body in order to find her sexy. The problem I have with her appearance is how exhausted she looks.

She has ZERO sense of urgency about it. She feels as if losing the weight is yet another thing she has to do for the family. She struggles to see that it's for HER. I want to see the energy back in her face. I want her to defy her Mormon parents' sick habits and not live her life as if she were a house cat, then die young.

But it's also about me. Fat apologists preach unconditional acceptance (read: enabling), or they wonder what the concerned spouse is doing to spur the ill health, or vanity. All BS excuses. What about my feelings? Should I overlook a drinking problem? Is that unconditional acceptance that I agreed to during vows? It's not hyperbole: tobacco kills, alcohol kills, hard drugs kill, f***in obesity KILLS. I take care of my health because I'm a husband and father and I'm needed. Why doesnt she feel the same about herself?

I want to stay with her more than anything, yet I read and read online about this problem and it seems the only solution spouses have found is divorce. Say nothing: spouse stays fat. Say anything: spouse stays fat.

I'm stubbornly optimistic. Those anecdotes are about badly depressed women who medicate with food, who barely acknowledge there's even an issue. My wife is not like that. She knows she needs to lose the weight. She's just terribly convinced that she's too tired and busy. Sometimes after I bring it up, she'll overcompensate by being unusually attentive to the kids, or me. She's a great person. I want her to have a great life. But I don't see that happening if she insists on hauling around an extra 130 pounds.

If you're NOT seeking advice I'll say this: you both seem really cool. That's it, you both seem cool.

I'm with you. They seem like a lovely couple.

Flip it and hubby fits. He's super sedentary and convinced he'll do something about his weight "tomorrow". He's constantly in pain and pretty grouchy. I'm looking for a job and then...not sure. I want to make this work, but he's dying in place and I'm only 51. We have 30 years of history, but he won't do ANYTHING to address my concerns.

surgery is a possible at > 100# 'right' body weight, which everyone surely has for their height, bone density, etc.

Can U afford lap-band or something similar? (might be ins. covered in extreme cases.

I would suggest ... if she's possible for serious work on this (hopeful?) that she get to the root of this situation, I'm betting she has issue(s) that are being expressed in this situation.

btw, I agree with what U wrote; there's a reason she's avoiding this, 'all efforts' should be directed to finding out what it/they are.

and, as You write, final analysis/determination is up to U.

best regards, part-time 'jr. psychologist', part time Security Guard, Guy Noir.

I'm sure you must be aware of how tired insulin resistance and type 2 diabetes makes one feel. There's no sugar getting into the cells to power up the body, leaving the person tired and sedentary. My obese DW is often in this boat due to type 2. But she does try to eat better, and will move around when there's work to do. However, she relies way too much on insulin to keep up her energy levels, and eats too much sugar, and refuses to have a regular exercise program.

Your DW could also be suffering from NASH (fatty liver disease). New drugs are in the pipeline to treat this condition. Tests may be in order.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/27/2015 04:34AM by hello.

I think it is really great how you are treating your wife, and since you have ruled out mental illness on her part and have sought professional advice for yourself, I just wish you the best with everything. I would take the advice of 'hello' if you haven't sought a medical opinion on this (assuming she would agree to go for a workup).

I know the situation you are in, and I am empathetic. That's pretty much all I can say without outing myself to lurkers. Your feelings DO matter. I know "body acceptance" is currently in fashion, but I am not sure if that is meant to foster a good sense of self in people or to give people good excuses to give up and be immune from criticism. Only you know what is what in your situation, don't let others in different situations tell you how you should be feeling.

I hope you can get in a place where you are both happy.

start 'courting' again - take her for romantic strolls and hold her hand and plan your future the way you did when you were unmarried/childless. It sounds like a self esteem/mild depression issue: she has withdrawn from you and feels comfortable hiding online rather than communicate and interact more at home.

Send her messages via messenger or email so you have a presence in her online world. A female will always love and appreciate a short love note or compliment.

Her withdrawal from reality was gradual and her coming back from her apparent online addiction may be long or short, but involve yourself with her on her terms and slowly she will begin sharing with you her thoughts and feelings again.

I do not have an overweight spouse, just my siblings & parents are all obese, one morbidly so, however I understand depression and your description of your wife's behaviour sounds like some level of depression and withdrawal, as I stated earlier.

Since she is over the stage of being the centre of her kids' world she may feel a little lost or scared about the next stage of her life - perhaps she never planned for the stage of her life between being the mother of small children and becoming a grandmother. You both sound like you need to rekindle your desire to 'pamper' each other (like you did Before Children) so take control of that - open up new lines of communication, share websites and links that you find interesting and want to discuss with her. Behave like a teenager on social media and flirt with her - she will respond.

Tell her she looks tired and take her out somewhere for 'a treat' or 'a break', even just to watch the sunset or something simple like that. If you take her out by car, park a bit further away from the venue as you normally would then compliment her walk, or her poise or just tell her you love spending alone time with her like you used to and she won't notice the extra distance. The more one does, physically, the more one is able to do as the experts keep saying.

Sometimes we become so concerned with our own issues that we forget to let people know we love them (I know I have been guilty of this), and we forget ourselves exactly WHY we love someone. Remind her through your actions why she fell in love with you - be the young man trying to impress her that you once were. She will reciprocate (eventually). My husband does this for me as I have a tendency to withdraw as part of my illness and I rarely notice when I am doing so.

The biggest plus you have going for you both is your regular physical intimacy. This is usually one of the first things to go within a marriage when one spouse is depressed. Most couples do not even realise any problem within the relationship until the sex has been non-existent for quite some time. Do something different - surprise her like you used to back when kids were not around and she felt desirable and infatuated with you. Hold her more and whisper sweet nothings in her ear. You will both feel better for it.

I'm no expert and do not claim to be, but I hope you can steer your marriage through this and make it stronger, and have a healthier happier wife.

Keep in mind that even if your wife were to become more active, it might not cause a significant drop in her weight. So you are talking about two separate (but related) issues. With regard to her weight, it sounds like she has a medical issue (either her metabolism is out of whack, or diabetes could be a factor, or it could be something else.) In your shoes I would encourage her to have a thorough medical evaluation.

I hear you about having to watch loved ones make bad health choices. Both of my parents smoked like chimneys in the days before the hazards of smoking were well known. By the time those warnings did come out, they were both addicted to the nicotine. My dad died at age 63 of smoking-related emphysema. His death had long-lasting negative consequences for our family of both an economic and emotional/psychological nature. My mom was finally able to quit at about age 70, and even at that advanced age I feel that quitting did extend her lifespan to almost 80.

Just wanted to mention.... There are some studies out that show that poor sleep can trigger weight gain... (And then the weight gain causes poorer sleep). If she would consider looking into a check to see if she has sleep apnea, it might be a way to proceed.

If she does, anything done to treat it will inherently give her more energy.

This is much less invasive than surgery and it is easier to accept psychologically than many other things.

I have had daily intermittent low grade fever for over a year now- tests don't show the cause. When it hits, my muscles have no energy. It isn't "sleepy", it is fatigue.

I have been much like your wife and it is a very frustrating position to be in. I'm starting to get better (and am getting a cpap next week) but this has been a very big struggle that is hurting my family.

Two more things... I found that the info available on chronic fatigue syndrome really helped me - including the news to me that mental exertion can trigger fatigue as much as physical exertion can and that " rest" is rest from mental exertion too and it is not the same as sleep.

I started getting better when I started taking my dog to the dog park. I think the sunshine helped my body get stronger. In my case I added it because my dog really needed it and I am "mom". Driving to the park and watching her for 30 minutes totally wipes me out but it is helping me get better. Sitting outside in sun might help.

Don't try to" trick " her into activity... It is very upsetting.

If you would like to communicate off line, I can send an email address to admin.

Edit to add:

In my non-expert opinion, at this point, she is dealing with a medical issue. If she is willing to get a checkup, she might find out that there are specific things wrong that can be fixed.

For example, Hypothyroid (low thyroid hormone) is very common. Easy to diagnose via standard blood test. It is fixed by taking a daily pill. If you have this, your body runs slow and there is no amount of wishing or trying that will change that - you need to replace the missing hormone.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/27/2015 01:36PM by Never Mo but raised Fundie.

So...what are we supposed to say if you don't want advice?

By the way, counselors in my case proved completely useless. Sounds like they are in yours, too.

They can be thin or fat or even in between.

My ex-husband was very thin, but wanted to do nothing but play video/computer games, watch TV, and sleep. It took a lot of coaxing to get him to go on morning walks with me when I noticed I started gaining weight. He was, however, I think deeply depressed despite his sunny nature. Depression isn't just moping around, sometimes it's tuning the rest the world out and sinking into your own. Does she clean or help with the upkeep of the house? Keep up with her own hygiene? If not, that's a red flag that you're likely dealing with some form of depression.

My ex didn't start cleaning or maintaining healthier habits until I left him, but by then too little, too late. I was done.

Counseling only works for people who want to do the work, BTW. It doesn't work when someone wants to stay in their stasis.

Life is short

I'm not sure how much choice we really have about weight. If a drug was 95% ineffective would a doctor prescribe that drug? Diets are 95% ineffective in the long term. No one wakes up 130 pounds overweight and says, this is great fun, this is what I want.

Sorry, supposed to be at bottom of thread.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/27/2015 12:28PM by Dorothy.

You cannot motivate another person. I'm sure that's extremely frustrating to you, but this is completely on her. She needs to find the desire to live within herself. I'm so sorry for your tough situation.

No advice requested. Just a vent? We all need that once in awhile.

BUT-you are seeing a counselor and feel you are not being heard.

BUT-you spoke to your spouse and you stillfeel you are not being heard.

BUT-you tell her its all "for her" but you feel you are not being heard. (And yes, you are making it about you too)

Ok, you have stood on this podium and were heard.

Now what?

RMM

Perhaps you could have dates. Go bowling, hiking, bike riding, row boating, dancing. Offer special time away from the grind that involves exercise. Do what she enjoys even if you don't like it. But offer it as a date. Don't just say lets go bowling. Romantically lure her. You both have been married a long time and usually dates aren't offered. Just a suggestion.

Try T-tapp. It is just 15 minutes a day and gives real results. It is hard to lose weight! T-tapp exercises are all about stregthening the core. She will see results fast and perhaps be motivated to do more changes. When you start t-tapp you just do the exercises. No dieting. One change at a time. CHeck out t-tapp.com. You can even do the exercises with her.

No I do not have any business affiliation with them.

She needs to want to change: for her, not you. Maybe she just needs to feel better about herself. She's stuck in a cycle. She doesn't like herself because she's fat and she's fat because she doesn't like herself.

Work on breaking the cycle by getting her to like herself. You have to work on liking yourself too, because fakeness won't cut it. How? Do the research.

Edit: Consider this. You probably have a group people in your life that you love unconditionally. If you have an LDS background, you probably don't include yourself in that group. Why not? Anybody who's capable of unconditional love is worthy of it. There's no reason to hold back.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 03/27/2015 01:13PM by bradley.

I'm sorry Very Anonymous. You love her, she's probably going to die young.

I know you didn't ask for advice. Neither did she. Apparently.

So, I would let her know that you need to find a way to love her less, so that you are not a completely broken man when she dies. That, much as you'll miss her, you're going to start to try to build parts of your life without her, so that you won't be completely devastated when the inevitable occurs.

We can only hope she understands your need for some autonomy, as much as she demands her own.

I have a very frank doctor. She told me I had to make changes because I had been very lucky up to this point with my BP and other things that led to a stroke. She did not mince words and I have been changing things in my life since then.

Does she have a doctor who could evaluate her physical condition and then give her a frank talking to that might motivate her?

Has she had a really good health workup--blood work, Thyroid test, cardio tests, diabetes check, etc?

There are many things that can make you so tired, you can barely get up and down. When you work full time, you come home, sit in the chair with the tablet or laptop or DVD player and stay there the rest of the day. You hate that you feel lazy, but then you might find out that your system is really out of whack. Sometimes people perceive fatigue as laziness and years of that can put a lot of weight on you.

Not saying that's the case. Selective inactivity can do it too. But I found out the hard way, after putting on 20+ lbs, that I might not be as lazy as I thought, and getting treatment has made a huge difference in my energy levels.

I wish I had something to tell you.

My sister has lost about 150 pounds. She was morbidly obese for most of her adult life -- really put on the weight in her early 20s. Both her first and second husband were anywhere from less-than-supportive to downright-emotionally-abusive. She had plenty of emotional issues to begin with but chose poorly in terms of partners, so it took a long time until she got to the point where she felt enough self-love to do something.

She also knew that her (second) marriage would most likely end because she knew very well that diets are ineffective. What a person has to do in order to lose a lot of weight is change everything about her lifestyle and those changes cannot and do not happen overnight. It began with eating habits, what and how much. Then that turned into a daily analysis of why. Exercise was slow and gentle at first, but eventually, she worked her way up to hitting the gym 5-6 days a week and being a ZUMBA marathoner. There was no way her husband was going along with better food, less food, more activity, and healthier reasons for eating.

I shared your concerns about your wife with regard to my sister. She has two children and I was worried for them as well. Who doesn't need their mom, right? There was nothing I or anyone else in her circle of loved ones could say or do that could change my sister's life for her. No amount of love in the world would sufficiently motivate her until she found it within herself to love herself enough to try and keep trying and not give up.

How she got to that place was she just took a look in the mirror one day and really saw herself for how she looked at the time. And she realized the image in the mirror was not the same as the image in her head and the weight would kill her if she didn't do something. So she began that slow, painful journey. And she lost her marriage over it. Her husband was not willing to make any changes to support her new lifestyle and he did not like the loss of control over her self esteem.

She could not be happier right now. And she looks and feels amazing.

All I'm saying is, it has to come from within and if your wife is not willing to go there, there's nothing you can do but love her for who she is anyway.

One of my biggest pet peeves with the church is that they preach your body is a temple don't you dare defile it with Satan's drink or coffee. Yet, look at all the obese people in the LDS church. Oh that's okay! No its not. Your wife probably has type 2 diabetes which is a killer if not managed

I have met someone who divorced his wife who gained an insane amount of weight. He couldn't look at her naked it made him sick. She didn't care and would not exercise and would lay in bed eating junk food. He ended up with a women who takes care of her body and he is a million times happier. Losing weight is not your wife's priority. In a sense YOU are not her priority. Playing on her tablet anf being sedentary is the priority. Obesity is slow suicide . Lots of lds are committing this.

The no excuse moms group shows women cant hold on to that excuse for being fat. Some of the fittest women i have seen at the gym have kids.

Some people just do not like moving around. There's one in my family circle, a man (not overweight, not ill). It is very hard to understand this. My head would explode if I could not exercise most days of the week and be generally active as well. I don't know if it will be fixable with your wife but a couple of things come to mind:

1) with all the fitness on display in the media and from people she sees all around her maybe she feels just too far behind to even get started, it's overwhelming, she feels defeated from the start. Good examples and exhortations only make her feel more ashamed which makes her avoid the whole subject.

2) she feels _pushed_ to exercise and she is not resisting the exercise as much as rebelling at the pushing. It's an area of her life where she has control. It's a kind of twisted self-defense. Pressure from you naturally backfires. I would leave it alone.

Then, if she is by nature sedentary and then she has at least 100+ lbs extra to carry around, she may feel pretty miserable moving around. More miserable than a normal weight person.

Something that would help her is to realize how fast she would make progress (feeling good, feeling energized) if she even just started walking. Exercise for a period during the day gives you more energy around the clock.

Counseling should be for her by herself and with a different therapist), not along with you. (No wonder she declined that.) If she will take it. If she has no interest in therapy that could be because she does not feel up to it, she is afraid to change, she thinks the therapist will just be one more person pushing her. (Not supposed to!)

There is a lot at stake for your wife as she ages. I believe that anyone who isn't moving around plenty after age 40 is turning themselves into a handicapped person. Lots of people in their 60s, overweight or not, have trouble getting out of a chair or picking something up off the floor. That is very sad and unnecessary. Yet thinking about this would probably depress her and stop her even more and by the way, might she have depression?

Bottom line, pushing her is counterproductive. It has to come from her. There are such things as "interventions", I don't know anything about them. Maybe someone else on the board has some experience with them.

I understand that this has to be very hard for you, especially not being able or "allowed" to express your frustrations IRL. I am sorry about that. I hope you don't catch any flak on the board over your frankness here.

I haven't read all the responses, so I may be repeating what someone else has said.

My opinion is that you do sound like you have a pretty good marriage otherwise.

My advice is that you both could get some physical activity together. Exercise, going for walks, working out at the gym can be a wonderful activity for couples and frankly, more fun with the one you love than by oneself. You might give it a try. Start small, with walks, build up to a more vigorous work-out.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/27/2015 03:20PM by wine country girl.

This is my opinion after dealing with an obese spouse.

You're right about something: it wasn't the fact that my spouse outweighed me by 75-100 lbs (depending on her fluctuations). Her lifestyle was totally sedentary.

It wasn't her physical body that was the problem - it was her stationary mind. When my wife was in her teens my mother-in-law weighed in excess of 400 lbs (not exaggerating). When a person becomes that obese their lifestyle must be contributed to by an extremely compliant household. Her mother expected her family to serve her. My wife continued in that tradition: we were supposed to "serve" her so that she could live her daily routine seated in a chair.

My wife's entire family lived this way. When we would visit her relatives all the women would gather in the kitchen, sit on chairs and drink tea (non-Mormons) or soda (Mormons) while snacking throughout the day. The strange thing was the LDS portion of the herd assumed they were "healthy" because they kept the Word of Wisdom.

Getting my wife to do *anything* except sit in a chair for the day (the whole day) was nearly impossible. We refused to indulge her, however. Her weight never exceeded 300 lbs. But in her mind she behaved as if she weighed ~400+ lbs. Let me tell you about the 400 lbs gorilla in the room bellowing that if "we loved her would be bring her xxxxx."

(To bring this onto topic...)

The Church was useless in dealing with such a problem. Nothing in the Church standards gives a bishop anything to say about an "unhealthy lifestyle" - especially if the member keeps the minimal aspects of the Word of Wisdom. Becoming a demanding tyrant at home is an example reinforced by the Church's treatment of members.

It sounds like you've thought this through and are taking the appropriate steps towards a resolution--whether that is to stay together or not.

Just some thoughts:
I am CERTAIN that you're wife is aware of her obese body. If I had to make a bet, she finds it more wretched than you do and could pinpoint everyone of her flaws. While our society engages more in body acceptance, it is heavily entrenched in fat shaming. There was a study a few years back that surveyed young women. A majority of them would rather be hit by a truck than be fat. Trust me, your wife is more aware of her weight than you are. Why doesn't she do anything about it? For whatever reason, she probably feels overwhelmed and hopeless so she keeps quietly living life through her tablet. It probably offers more stimulation and acceptance than the world around her.

As others have suggested, I would talk her into getting screened for depression, thyroid, and sleep disorders. If she is on any type of hormonal birth control--I don't care how low of a dose it claims to be--get her off it immediately!!! This is a must.

Personally, I don't think you're ready for a divorce if you still love her. She's probably not ready to make any changes until she feels like you truly love her either. Best of luck to you guys. Hope you find some peace and happiness.

Mitochondria? Cellular energy? Check mitochondria disorders
Solutions?

Soda / why promotes fluid retention; why appears addictive; withdrawal symptoms (Google it), soda & mood
Solutions?


Excersize averse/ aversion : Google it. Pain, lung dysfunctions, etc contribute to a learned response
Solutions? Attempts are myriad. Results, varied.

A tiny change in rx can mean everything, from physical futility to success

A complete change of environment for weeks invites exploring personally wanted change in routine

I could never ever ever keep up with my spouse, he's always been such an athlete, physically fit, sports college scholarship etc, works out on rings holding body at angles in air
Just impossible to keep up with, so I quit.

Then I added music. Mine. Dancing in the kitchen , not keeping up with him athletically because that was already highly improbable, if not impossible.

Good luck on that, great on the intimacy. For myself unpolluted air for one month being served sourdough bread and pancakes exclusive instead of tortilla carb source, 2 weeks later felt strong desire stop soda, began sans soda & the urge to jog overcame me /sans spousal commentary. presently down 40 lbs since June 2014, only change medically was to a blood pressure RX a potassium sparing diuretic (half strength) got rid of fatigue muscle ache (from a non potassium sparing diuretic bp RX) guess I needed potassium
Back in moderate to poor air quality no urge to jog

Farm box / at adult kids urging I started farm box delivery. Total shock. You tube how to eat vegetables. 5months in to weight loss, freezing cold now. Frightened fit husband serving beat carrot pancake cinnamon (we both liked it) - found myself afraid to taste beat juice or carrot juice I'd made trying to use this stuff. Woke him in up to taste it to (in the shadows of the night) to see if he would drink it before I could make myself taste it.

Is she still a TBM? That would be enough to erode self esteem/enhance depression.

Important: Find an Arthritis Foundation pool (warm water for adults) They have easy exercises/therapy equip. There are other overweight people/not a beauty contest. Water exercise is much easier and relaxing.

Tell her you are terrified she will die young like her dad. Your children might follow her example. Do anything to switch the routine after work. Walking group...

If she let her hair go, set up a salon appt for hair and nails. That might give her a boost.

Check her thyroid, and vitamins D, B... Sometimes B shots will help with energy.

Good luck.. Try everything!

Your wife sounds uncannily like me about 4 years ago, physically and behaviorally.

What happened? A lot of things. Basically, I started to do something about me, for me. I got help: mental health counseling, a new doctor, medication, a CPAP machine, trying to eat better, exercise. I still struggle and have a quite way to go, but things are so much better for me, it's amazing.

I've talked to several people who have experienced or seen this and seems like there's an interconnected cycle of issues, emotional (depression, anger, anxiety, low self-esteem, ADD, etc.); physical (diabetes, sleep apnea, low metabolism, SAD, lack of exercise, lack of sleep, nutritional deficiencies, and so on); and behavioral (inertia, obsessivness (computers can really suck you in!), overeating, substance abuse, smoking...)

Since these are interconnected, addressing just one issue tends to improve others, and it gradually snowballs. For instance, exercise helps with weight loss, but it also promotes better sleep, which helps improve mood, and an improved mood makes a big difference in just about everything. The trick is to stand back and let her do it her way. Show her that you still love her. There's no hurry, no pressure. Change won't come overnight, so enjoy the process and one another.

Good luck to both of you!