"There is no evidence for God. The LDS version of God was made up in order to control people and defraud people of their money. Please use this life experience to judge further claims about god and the nature of God".
"We want to thank our wonderful members, who give so generously of their money and time, and who sustain and support our leaders, without question. It is because of YOU that we paint a pretty smile for investigators. Thanks to you, our coffers have never been so full, our children have never been so brainwashed, the temple work for the Dead moves ever forward, and our buildings have never been so clean. THANK YOU!"
Women will take their well earned place in leadership roles. Half of the brethren will vacate their seats on the stand. Ladies, including single ladies, welcome aboard and here are your bank cards for housing and other living and traveling expenses.
This conferences focus will be on the true life of Joseph Smith and his wives.
This year the lesson manual will be rewritten to tell the true foundational events of how the church came into existence. There will be lessons that will tell you the real events and all about the people who were involved, and all of their shenanigans.
There will be counseling available by the counselor of your choice. We know we've devastated many lives and families, and wish to set things right.
We will be running the church on money made through our business ventures. Anyone who has paid tithing in the past will have it returned to them with interest. If a family member is deceased, the money will be divided between family members. All money that used to pay for missions will also be returned to its rightful owner.
We apologize if your local welder or potato farmer gave you bad advice that we insisted you follow.
"Today I will speak about the second anointing. Contrary to what you may have been led to believe, it is a real ordinance that irrevocably seals the promises of the endowment upon you. Most of you listening to me will never be eligible. Only a very few of you will even have a chance to receive it, and here's how we select them…"
"We would like to announce an official, church-approved Book of Mormon geography. The true location of Zarahemla was…"
"Beginning next Sunday, all church meetings will be clothing-optional."
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/28/2015 05:09PM by Book of Mordor.
I'm the one who gave Tom Phillips his second anointing in the Preston, England Temple in May 2002. Yes brothers and sisters, the ordinance is being performed by the Q15 for those who we pick. Tom Phillips is an honest man and tells the truth. He did not lie when he put his experience in written form on MormonThink.com.
----- From Elder Holland (Q12)
I was ambushed by the BBC interview on that infamous YouTube video. And, I repeat, I'm not a dodo. But please don't ever forget, we did use to have penalties in the temple where we stood around the alter in the true order of prayer and pantomimed slitting our throats, cutting out our hearts, and slicing open our abdomens. Oh I miss that temple ceremony. The temple experience used to be so beautiful."
"For the next two days, the speaker will consist of the members of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. Each apostle will speak on one of our recent essays, and three will speak at each session. Talks will be given in reverse order of seniority, ending with Elder Boyd K. Packer who will read our new essay on how we are wrong about the gays. The Priesthood session will have talks from the First Presidency, and the focus of each talk we be an apology to a group of people. I will speaking about our treatment of gay members, Elder Henry B. Eyring will speak about our treatment of women, and Thomas S. Monson will speak about our treatment of black members. Between each talk we will sing 'Do What is Right' to remind us to make correct choices in our live from now on." --Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf's opening remarks during the first session on Saturday that we will sadly never hear.
" We are really serious about distancing ourselves from the blight of polygamy, so we are nullifying all of the plural marriages that existed in the early church, and we are posthumously excommunicating those involved in such marriages including Joseph Smith and Brigham Young. "