Posted by:
Wally Prince
(
)
Date: January 31, 2019 02:48AM
This is a brilliant idea that I've been kicking around in my mind for many years. But the prospects of implementing it always depended on the issue of whether the temple ordinances, as revealed to and introduced to the church by Joseph Smith were immutable ordinances that could only stand or fall as a whole, with each element thereof being an essential and integral part of the whole.
Well, now we know that the "oath of vengeance" was never essential (having been deleted sometime in the early 20th century).
Subsequently, we found out that the bloody penalty oaths were also entirely optional and dispensable.
Around the same time (1990s), we learned that the centerpiece of the walk-through-the veil climax of the ordinance, namely the "five points of fellowship" involving the hugging of a mystery man hiding behind a curtain was never really important.
Now we learn that wives pledging to submit to their husbands and playing around with face veils to symbolize submission was also just a decorative touch that was as inconsequential to the substance of the ordinance as fuzzy dice balls hanging on a rear-view mirror are to the road performance of a Porsche 911.
So it looks to me as though it's highly likely that the notion that proxy ordinances absolutely have to be performed by living, flesh-and-blood humans is also not correct. This too is entirely unnecessary. But at the very heart of things, it still may be somewhat important in Mormondumb to do ordinances by proxy for dead people.
Voodoo has an elegant solution for existing concerns in a way that's a win-win for the leaders and the followers alike. Everybody knows that Voodoo hocus-pocus and supernatural powers do not rely on using live people as stand-ins for the targets of the Voodoo rituals. It's dolls! Dolls get it done and get it done better. Voodoo dolls.
I think the Mormon doodoo can benefit from a little Voodoo.
Here's how:
(1) The leaders want to use the temple recommend "worthiness" system to maximize tithing revenue. But still, a certain percentage of the members, who are weak as to temptations of the flesh, cannot qualify for temple worthiness. If they can't get the recommend due to smoking, drinking or illicit boinking, they may also lose their inclination to pay tithing. Can't get the recommend anyway, so why bother?
Solution: The Consecrated Temple Proxy Doll ("CTPD"). Just as olive oil is just olive oil until it is consecrated by an appropriate priesthood authority, Ken and Barbie dolls are just dolls...UNTIL they are consecrated by an appropriate authority. Only the Apostles have the authority (or so they will claim, if they follow my plan) to consecrate a CTPD. So, if an otherwise unworthy Mormon wants to grasp some tangible hope of getting to the Celestial Kingdom, they can buy a consecrated temple proxy doll from the Church or rent one. Pricing will be determined to reflect budgetary needs of the Church. Temple clothing for the Temple Ken and Temple Barbie will be sold separately. The proud new owner of the doll may have some worthiness problems, but those problems are not the doll's problems. As long as the owner does not spill coffee or alcohol on the doll, it's always temple-ready.
Once the CTPD has been purchased, the proud owner of the CTPD can then bring their doll into church every week and hand it over to the CTPD transportation specialist, who will schlep the dolls to the temple where specially called temple workers will perform the ordinances using the dolls as proxies for dead people. One of this new breed of temple worker will be an expert at voice acting and will speak for the doll to answer questions put to the doll. Little slips with "new names" will be inserted into the doll through a slot in the back of the doll. (The doll is never to be opened, so that the new names will remain special for the dead people.) After the session is over, the dolls will be bundled up and returned to the CTPD transportation specialist who will get them back to the owners.
All of these things will be fee-based services, which will be labeled as enhanced tithing under an official heading such as "Celestial Offerings") In exchange for participating in the CTPD, the doll owner will be promised that CK points are being awarded to the owner in heaven everytime the owner sends his/her doll to the temple and pays the related fees. An annual statement will be issued each year to tell the doll owner how many CK points have been accumulated and how many more are needed in order to have a "reasonably good prospect" of being admitted to the CK when the time comes.
(2) Temple weddings. One of the problems with the temple operation is that temple weddings exclude unworthy friends and relatives. This is engendering some amount of unhappiness and ill-will toward the Church. I think you can imagine how the consecrated temple proxy dolls can solve this problem too (for reasonable fees). The real people get married in public. The dolls get married in the temple for and on behalf of the couple just before the public wedding. Nobody needs to even be inside the temple other than the dolls and the officiator.
This is just the beginning. If you're a general authority and you're reading this, get in touch. I will be happy to fill you in on additional details.
This is going to revolutionize everything. Everyone is going to want their own CTPD (temple doll). They're not just dolls. They may be your ticket to eternal bliss in the hereafter and peace of mind in the here and now.