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: RfM
Recovery from Mormonism (RfM) discussion forum.
This is a brilliant idea that I've been kicking around in my mind for many years. But the prospects of implementing it always depended on the issue of whether the temple ordinances, as revealed to and introduced to the church by Joseph Smith were immutable ordinances that could only stand or fall as a whole, with each element thereof being an essential and integral part of the whole.
Well, now we know that the "oath of vengeance" was never essential (having been deleted sometime in the early 20th century).
Subsequently, we found out that the bloody penalty oaths were also entirely optional and dispensable.
Around the same time (1990s), we learned that the centerpiece of the walk-through-the veil climax of the ordinance, namely the "five points of fellowship" involving the hugging of a mystery man hiding behind a curtain was never really important.
Now we learn that wives pledging to submit to their husbands and playing around with face veils to symbolize submission was also just a decorative touch that was as inconsequential to the substance of the ordinance as fuzzy dice balls hanging on a rear-view mirror are to the road performance of a Porsche 911.
So it looks to me as though it's highly likely that the notion that proxy ordinances absolutely have to be performed by living, flesh-and-blood humans is also not correct. This too is entirely unnecessary. But at the very heart of things, it still may be somewhat important in Mormondumb to do ordinances by proxy for dead people.
Voodoo has an elegant solution for existing concerns in a way that's a win-win for the leaders and the followers alike. Everybody knows that Voodoo hocus-pocus and supernatural powers do not rely on using live people as stand-ins for the targets of the Voodoo rituals. It's dolls! Dolls get it done and get it done better. Voodoo dolls.
I think the Mormon doodoo can benefit from a little Voodoo.
Here's how:
(1) The leaders want to use the temple recommend "worthiness" system to maximize tithing revenue. But still, a certain percentage of the members, who are weak as to temptations of the flesh, cannot qualify for temple worthiness. If they can't get the recommend due to smoking, drinking or illicit boinking, they may also lose their inclination to pay tithing. Can't get the recommend anyway, so why bother?
Solution: The Consecrated Temple Proxy Doll ("CTPD"). Just as olive oil is just olive oil until it is consecrated by an appropriate priesthood authority, Ken and Barbie dolls are just dolls...UNTIL they are consecrated by an appropriate authority. Only the Apostles have the authority (or so they will claim, if they follow my plan) to consecrate a CTPD. So, if an otherwise unworthy Mormon wants to grasp some tangible hope of getting to the Celestial Kingdom, they can buy a consecrated temple proxy doll from the Church or rent one. Pricing will be determined to reflect budgetary needs of the Church. Temple clothing for the Temple Ken and Temple Barbie will be sold separately. The proud new owner of the doll may have some worthiness problems, but those problems are not the doll's problems. As long as the owner does not spill coffee or alcohol on the doll, it's always temple-ready.
Once the CTPD has been purchased, the proud owner of the CTPD can then bring their doll into church every week and hand it over to the CTPD transportation specialist, who will schlep the dolls to the temple where specially called temple workers will perform the ordinances using the dolls as proxies for dead people. One of this new breed of temple worker will be an expert at voice acting and will speak for the doll to answer questions put to the doll. Little slips with "new names" will be inserted into the doll through a slot in the back of the doll. (The doll is never to be opened, so that the new names will remain special for the dead people.) After the session is over, the dolls will be bundled up and returned to the CTPD transportation specialist who will get them back to the owners.
All of these things will be fee-based services, which will be labeled as enhanced tithing under an official heading such as "Celestial Offerings") In exchange for participating in the CTPD, the doll owner will be promised that CK points are being awarded to the owner in heaven everytime the owner sends his/her doll to the temple and pays the related fees. An annual statement will be issued each year to tell the doll owner how many CK points have been accumulated and how many more are needed in order to have a "reasonably good prospect" of being admitted to the CK when the time comes.
(2) Temple weddings. One of the problems with the temple operation is that temple weddings exclude unworthy friends and relatives. This is engendering some amount of unhappiness and ill-will toward the Church. I think you can imagine how the consecrated temple proxy dolls can solve this problem too (for reasonable fees). The real people get married in public. The dolls get married in the temple for and on behalf of the couple just before the public wedding. Nobody needs to even be inside the temple other than the dolls and the officiator.
This is just the beginning. If you're a general authority and you're reading this, get in touch. I will be happy to fill you in on additional details.
This is going to revolutionize everything. Everyone is going to want their own CTPD (temple doll). They're not just dolls. They may be your ticket to eternal bliss in the hereafter and peace of mind in the here and now.
Well, now we know that the "oath of vengeance" was never essential (having been deleted sometime in the early 20th century).
Subsequently, we found out that the bloody penalty oaths were also entirely optional and dispensable.
Around the same time (1990s), we learned that the centerpiece of the walk-through-the veil climax of the ordinance, namely the "five points of fellowship" involving the hugging of a mystery man hiding behind a curtain was never really important.
Now we learn that wives pledging to submit to their husbands and playing around with face veils to symbolize submission was also just a decorative touch that was as inconsequential to the substance of the ordinance as fuzzy dice balls hanging on a rear-view mirror are to the road performance of a Porsche 911.
So it looks to me as though it's highly likely that the notion that proxy ordinances absolutely have to be performed by living, flesh-and-blood humans is also not correct. This too is entirely unnecessary. But at the very heart of things, it still may be somewhat important in Mormondumb to do ordinances by proxy for dead people.
Voodoo has an elegant solution for existing concerns in a way that's a win-win for the leaders and the followers alike. Everybody knows that Voodoo hocus-pocus and supernatural powers do not rely on using live people as stand-ins for the targets of the Voodoo rituals. It's dolls! Dolls get it done and get it done better. Voodoo dolls.
I think the Mormon doodoo can benefit from a little Voodoo.
Here's how:
(1) The leaders want to use the temple recommend "worthiness" system to maximize tithing revenue. But still, a certain percentage of the members, who are weak as to temptations of the flesh, cannot qualify for temple worthiness. If they can't get the recommend due to smoking, drinking or illicit boinking, they may also lose their inclination to pay tithing. Can't get the recommend anyway, so why bother?
Solution: The Consecrated Temple Proxy Doll ("CTPD"). Just as olive oil is just olive oil until it is consecrated by an appropriate priesthood authority, Ken and Barbie dolls are just dolls...UNTIL they are consecrated by an appropriate authority. Only the Apostles have the authority (or so they will claim, if they follow my plan) to consecrate a CTPD. So, if an otherwise unworthy Mormon wants to grasp some tangible hope of getting to the Celestial Kingdom, they can buy a consecrated temple proxy doll from the Church or rent one. Pricing will be determined to reflect budgetary needs of the Church. Temple clothing for the Temple Ken and Temple Barbie will be sold separately. The proud new owner of the doll may have some worthiness problems, but those problems are not the doll's problems. As long as the owner does not spill coffee or alcohol on the doll, it's always temple-ready.
Once the CTPD has been purchased, the proud owner of the CTPD can then bring their doll into church every week and hand it over to the CTPD transportation specialist, who will schlep the dolls to the temple where specially called temple workers will perform the ordinances using the dolls as proxies for dead people. One of this new breed of temple worker will be an expert at voice acting and will speak for the doll to answer questions put to the doll. Little slips with "new names" will be inserted into the doll through a slot in the back of the doll. (The doll is never to be opened, so that the new names will remain special for the dead people.) After the session is over, the dolls will be bundled up and returned to the CTPD transportation specialist who will get them back to the owners.
All of these things will be fee-based services, which will be labeled as enhanced tithing under an official heading such as "Celestial Offerings") In exchange for participating in the CTPD, the doll owner will be promised that CK points are being awarded to the owner in heaven everytime the owner sends his/her doll to the temple and pays the related fees. An annual statement will be issued each year to tell the doll owner how many CK points have been accumulated and how many more are needed in order to have a "reasonably good prospect" of being admitted to the CK when the time comes.
(2) Temple weddings. One of the problems with the temple operation is that temple weddings exclude unworthy friends and relatives. This is engendering some amount of unhappiness and ill-will toward the Church. I think you can imagine how the consecrated temple proxy dolls can solve this problem too (for reasonable fees). The real people get married in public. The dolls get married in the temple for and on behalf of the couple just before the public wedding. Nobody needs to even be inside the temple other than the dolls and the officiator.
This is just the beginning. If you're a general authority and you're reading this, get in touch. I will be happy to fill you in on additional details.
This is going to revolutionize everything. Everyone is going to want their own CTPD (temple doll). They're not just dolls. They may be your ticket to eternal bliss in the hereafter and peace of mind in the here and now.
If the cult is looking for more temple callings and higher temple attendance, members can be called as special CTPD companions, to provide the doll with upgraded private transportation to and from the temple, and the assurance that the doll's temple costume is put on properly, especially for the doll's first time in the temple. This extra care and perfect timing would be especially important for weddings. For example, if the public wedding takes place BEFORE the CTPD temple wedding, the doll will have to wait one year.
to ensure that CTPD owners take the CTPD program seriously.
Another innovation that would be necessary would be to have an "ordinance-completion" app that officiators can use to send a signal to people waiting for the public wedding ceremony to start (in those situations where scheduling is unavoidably tight).
Once the "ordinance done" message appears on both the prospective bride's and prospective groom's smart phones, together with appropriately cheerful ding-dong music, then they can proceed with the public wedding, secure in the knowledge that everything is proceeding in its proper order.
Another innovation that would be necessary would be to have an "ordinance-completion" app that officiators can use to send a signal to people waiting for the public wedding ceremony to start (in those situations where scheduling is unavoidably tight).
Once the "ordinance done" message appears on both the prospective bride's and prospective groom's smart phones, together with appropriately cheerful ding-dong music, then they can proceed with the public wedding, secure in the knowledge that everything is proceeding in its proper order.
If the church were truly led by God, there would be temples clad with many thousands of rubber duckies.
This free advertizing would reverberate for centuries, world without end.
https://www.ted.com/talks/jennifer_verduin_how_do_ocean_currents_work/up-next#t-2700
.
This free advertizing would reverberate for centuries, world without end.
https://www.ted.com/talks/jennifer_verduin_how_do_ocean_currents_work/up-next#t-2700
.
Wally Prince Wrote:
> Solution: The Consecrated Temple Proxy Doll ("CTPD").
Oh Wally, you kill me. You really, really do! Great stuff here!
I will never look at Barbie Dolls the same way.
:) :) :)
> Solution: The Consecrated Temple Proxy Doll ("CTPD").
Oh Wally, you kill me. You really, really do! Great stuff here!
I will never look at Barbie Dolls the same way.
:) :) :)
I think members need to purchase a lifesize doll of Rusty. Imagine a talking doll that tells members what to do 24-7.
If the temple dolls are made in our image that would be even more funny.
Until a real voodoo pracitioner comes along, and next thing you know you/we're getting pins and needles stuck into our clothes and jackets, limbs and bellies, eyes and god knows what else.
When the lines become fuzzy between voodoo and doodoo, watch out Mormons. The Twilight Zone just kicked into high drive.
Or they could just be simple dolls along the order of the Amish style. Those are made faceless, in plain clothing.. easier to be anonymous that way.
Until a real voodoo pracitioner comes along, and next thing you know you/we're getting pins and needles stuck into our clothes and jackets, limbs and bellies, eyes and god knows what else.
When the lines become fuzzy between voodoo and doodoo, watch out Mormons. The Twilight Zone just kicked into high drive.
Or they could just be simple dolls along the order of the Amish style. Those are made faceless, in plain clothing.. easier to be anonymous that way.
To be most thoroughly Mormon each CTPD doll should be white and delightsome and all the men dolls should look exactly alike and all the women dolls should look exactly alike.
I tried that, but on the cheap. I stuck pins into my CTPD blow-up doll. What a deflating experience! My personal "Deflategate." Speaking of which, I just FedEx'd radioactive voodoo pins to Steven Benson to stick into his Tom Brady action doll. :(
caffiend Wrote:
>....Doll Deflategate...
Hahahahahhahah!
>....Doll Deflategate...
Hahahahahhahah!