Born and raised mormon in utah, family still very TBM. My husband and I have been married for a year. I am 28 and he is 29- both of us have left the church. Lately I have felt extreme pressure to become a mother. I am currently working towards becoming a Marriage and Family therapist, and would like to be settled in my career first. TBM family and friends keep asking when we are going to get started, saying that we are running out of time. This is very frustrating and it scares me a little. I guess because I have lived and was raised in this "Mormon Utah Bubble" since I was born, it starts seeming abnormal to be 28 with no kids. Especially when TBM friends are married and already have two or three.

What is it like in other states or countries? Am I "doomed" if I wait 3 or 4 years? We only want a couple of kids.

Wait.

Nobody else will be there 24 hours a day to change diapers, midnight feedings, spitups, etc. This is YOUR life. Live it.

Do NOT have kids because of pressure from outside.

I love my boys....but man, is it serious WORK.

No rush. You can have children later, when you're ready.

And for some couples, they realize they don't need to have any of their own.

I don't think it is uncommon for people to start the push the kids question after marriage.

Mormons probably do it more than most, but it still goes on a lot outside the church, and outside of Utah.

I see it in my wife's family, and they are not even vaguely Mormon.

You're only running out of time if you're on the four-six kid schedule.

Other people aren't going to pay for your children... It is none of their business. Simply say You're focused on school right now. Abruptly, obviously change the subject. Ask them an equally intrusive question so they grasp the level of prying they are doing.

Misery loves company. They wish they didn't have screaming babies, or were able to continue school, or even read a book uninterrupted. You will be able to afford vacations... and if something happened to your husband, you could support yourself and your family. Live your own life. Best wishes with school.

artemis Wrote:
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> What is it like in other states or countries? Am I
> "doomed" if I wait 3 or 4 years? We only want a
> couple of kids.

We got the "don't you want more" here from people who didn't even know what Mormonism was.

I think there a lot of Christian mindsets that have similar fertility cult mindsets.

the response is to tell the people doing the presure that if they want you to have a baby, it's their responsibility to raise them financially, emotionally, etc. This is actually a topic in the short topics list, and you might want to read the responses people gave there.

You're fine. But do the research on fertility rates vs. age so that you are well-informed and can make decisions accordingly. Sometimes couples have trouble conceiving and it can take a few years from when you first start trying. Also keep in mind that menopause can set in early -- it did for me, in my early 40s.

In order to make it easier on yourself, come up with a standard response that you don't have to think about so much, i.e. "We'll be sure to let you know when we have happy news to impart." And don't feel that you need to explain it any further than that!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/07/2015 12:44PM by summer.

Don't get talked into having kids before you're ready.

People with an education and a degree are in a lot better position to roll with life's inevitable ups and downs.

In New York it's fairly typical for professional couples to wait to start families.

Mostly people with lower educational backgrounds start their families sooner than waiting to finish school and start careers here.

Where you're at at this stage in your life would be considered very normal if you were in New York.

Living in Utah must feel just the opposite.

The other thing you're dealing with are your own hormones. You're in your prime child bearing years, so you're dealing with the primordial call to become a mother, in addition to pressure by friends and family.

Hopefully you'll be able to balance both with yours and your husband's needs and desires.

Most professional young people I work around don't have kids until around their 30s at least. Of course, they're only looking to have one or two. I realize how extremely young I was when I got married at 21 and had a baby at 22. I was a baby myself. Ya gotta find a happy medium though. Because you know who are breeding the fastest. And it ain't lookin good for the future:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=icmRCixQrx8

I left the church right after my mission -- at 21.
Immediately removing myself from the intense, "get married and start having kids now!" pressure which was already being heavily applied.

I went to college. Got two BS and an MS degree. Got started in my career. Dated, usually not all that seriously, and enjoyed life. Finally met a woman I wanted to spend my life with at 32, and got married at 33. Nobody in California considered that at all strange or "late."
Had 2 kids, one at 36 and one at 41. Thought I was done, and have enjoyed growing with them (they're 18 and 14 now).
Found out not that long ago that my wife, now 46, is pregnant (when they tell you birth control is 99% effective, they mean it -- and it's the 1% that'll get ya!). Baby girl due in June. I'll be 55 when she's born -- it's all great, and I'm looking forward to it.

Live your life on your own timescale, not that of others. Anybody (especially family) who tries to get you to "conform" -- tell 'em to live their own lives, and not worry about yours. You'll do fine :)

Aww, what lovely news! My dad was 50 when I was born. There are certain advantages to having older parents -- the parents generally have greater wisdom, stability, and resources. Enjoy your new baby girl when she comes!

summer Wrote:
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Thank you! We will!
I've been telling people that a baby at 55 will either keep me young or kill me, I don't yet know which :)
But I'm excited!

First, congratulations!

I wish I had been as smart as you. I didn't have my kids as young as most TBMs would like. My first was at 25, but I did experience the pressure up until then. I graduated from high school in California. Many of my classmates are living a timeline similar to yours.

To bad in lots of circumstances the pressure to become a mother is huge, while education that covers the details of what it involves is very tiny.

$245,340 (or $304,480, adjusted for projected inflation) So three kiddos will run close to a million dollars over a 18 year span. And they may end up hating you and never talking to you again. - Still want kids?


The average cost of raising a child born in 2013 up until age 18 for a middle-income family in the U.S. is approximately $245,340 (or $304,480, adjusted for projected inflation), according to the latest annual "Cost of Raising A Child" report from the U.S. Department of Agriculture.Aug 18, 2014

That is only the AVERAGE cost. You want to send them to private school? Soccer? Dance? Nice vacations? College? Then you are looking at above average lifestyle and the cost only goes up and up.

Get your education first. Your going to need it.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/07/2015 08:18PM by upsidedown.

upsidedown Wrote:
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>
> Get your education first. Your going to need it.


Isn't that ironic, don't you think?

;-)

I never felt any pressure to be a mother here in California.

Of course that may have been because I'm a guy. ;-)

I married in my early 30s and she was late 20s, we waited about 3 years before we started trying. After a few months of no success we were about to see a doctor to check for fertility issues and poof, we were pregnant. The second time was different, we didn't "try" she just went off birth control thinking we eventually wanted another and since the first one took a while we decided to start having unprotected sex again. Once. Literally, we were both working 50+ hours a week and we had a toddler, it really was just one time that month. So you never know.

My wife and I (married 8 years, she's 27) have no kids. We've found that there are two kinds of questions we get asked.

The first, along the lines of "When are you going to start having kids?" is usually not intended as pressure. It's a long-term question, like asking where our careers are going. Some people may take this as pressure, but we usually don't.

The second, along the lines of "Why don't you start having kids?" is usually not intended to be rhetorical (because they're pricey, messy, and smelly is generally not considered a polite answer). That's the pressure. These I tend to be less polite about outside of my friends with 5+ kids (several of whom I work with) ribbing me about bringing down the average.

Some people are generally curious what it's like not having kids. They may be slightly envious. They may have limited exposure to life outside child raising and little idea how to explore happiness outside that venue. Give every question a fair shake, but don't feel obligated to respond to things that are obviously pressure.

I hated that pressure in my twenties. I waited a few years too.

I remember visiting some old friends I had not seen since I was married, and I was ambushed from behind, whipped around and the assaulter was a woman I knew who did not even greet MY FACE and say HI. Her eyes went right for my stomach and said, "Oh I thought you were pregnant by now!". Other so called friends kept trying to give me the "Don't you want to be a Mother?" speech. I was 22.

My husband was often taken aside for private chats by nosy men who asked if "things were going ok in the bedroom" and if they needed guidance.

Frankly, I was appalled that so many people butted into our sex life and family planning decisions. I kept quiet and changed the subject. I continued to watch the gears turn in little minds trying to decide who's fault and sin it was that I was not knocked up. I know my husband felt the pressure and then started to TRY to pressure me to "let nature take its course". He was older and tried to change our original agreement on when to start our family.

I stuck to my guns, and when we started to try...it turned out there were fertility issues.

When the questions started up AGAIN, I remember being so ticked off one day at the nosy person I barely knew...and asked..

"Why do you ask?" I got the sugar coated smile and they were dumbfounded I would ask THEM that.

So, I asked..."Why do you need to know about what goes on in my uterus? Would you consider it rude if I asked you what color bra you are wearing today?"

She stammered an apology out and I let her know in tears that she needed to be more considerate and less nosy over personal stuff. She never spoke to me again. (I know...big loss right?)

So I developed my favorite phrase to ANY nosy question.

WHY did you need to know? It draws attention to the person's inappropriate questioning. Usually at this point the smartest ones will drop it.

If they persist, I now respond with "I thought you would pick up on the fact that was personal and rather rude of you."

The rudest ones will often get back an equally rude question.

I recommend asking nosy women how much they weigh.

When they stutter, just say..."Well since you were asking about my physical state, I thought I would ask something personal about you. Care to share?"

RMM

My mother wasn't nosey or bossy, but she got scared that DH and I would become "worldly" if we were DINKs--remember that term?--Double income, no kids. She started to push before DH graduated. I got scared too and started to push DH to move the timeline up and voila--kid. I was 25. Kid #2 snuck in 22 months later. I've read that kids do lower your happiness levels for quite a while. Later, parents have a somewhat higher happiness level. My baby is 25 now. She's fabulous--now. My hubby still resents my now deceased mother and me for pushing. Such a personal decision. Two people get a vote--no one else.

Lots of good thoughts to consider above. I especially like Recovered Molly Mo's snappy come-backs, just above. Worth arming yourself with.

Early and later parenthood each have advantages and disadvantages. If you're young, you have more energy and vitality. Looking decades ahead, you will see more grandchildren, and more of them. You can be a more active part of their lives. I started at 40, and my children only have childhood memories of their grandparents.

Waiting also means that you will have more wisdom, experience, and patience, but also less energy--dealing with adolescents in your 40s and 50s will be quite a challenge. You'll really need that extra wisdom!

As many have said, it IS your decision, and each approach has its own risks, costs, and rewards. My last thought: be cautious with the overly cautious approach, a problem common to us intellectual types:

"When I finish grad school..."
"When I finish the internship..."
"When I'm more established in my career..."
"When we're better set up, financially..."
"Oh, I just have too many job obligations right now..."

There never is a "just right" time to have children. But I assure you, with apologies to upsidedown, above--they are really worth it.

East Coast reporting. It's perfectly normal to wait until late 20s-early 30s to have kids. Having kids in your early 20s is not normal, it's considered pretty young.

to which I referred earlier:

http://www.exmormon.org/mormon/mormon621.htm

I was married for 5 years before we wanted kids. I was 29 when my daughter was born. Most of my Utah friends had kids much earlier. Some of them have grandkids now (I'm 40!) and I have a Kindergartener. I currently live in Texas and most of my friends started having kids around 30. I know that it varies a lot, but it's definitely not like the crazy rush in Utah.

My husband and I had been married a couple years when his TBM mom sent me a Mother's day card. It was the weirdest thing ever and he told her so. She didn't do it again. Maybe she realized that's just not normal.

I would definitely wait. I'm so glad we did. Take care of yourself first and finish the things you want to do. As long as you're healthy there's no reason you can't wait a few years.

Whoda thunk?

you're only 29, you have plenty of time to have 1-3 kids, if you decide whether you want any at all.

you two are the ones who will have to raise them and pay for college, braces, etc etc


my sibling and his spouse (both TBM) waited 6 years in the heart of Mormonland before having a child and if they can do that, so can you! ;)

There is NOTHING wrong with waiting to become a parent. Become a parent when you want to.

My husband and I waited - I was 26 when I met him, 33 when I married, and 38 when our son was born (I'm 40 now). I don't regret waiting at all. It was a bit of a jolt with how much life changed... but after some initial struggle, I'm settling into motherhood well.

You are not running out of time. That kind of pressure shouldn't start until you're in your late 30s. You have plenty of time - get your career going, get your life going.

You are definitely not doomed. if you change your mind next year and decide to try to conceive, fantastic... if it's 10 years from now, also fantastic. If you decide later on that parenthood isn't for you, and you and your husband are happy on your own/having furbabies instead, also fantastic.

:)

I am married and in my 30's, and my husband's mom and step-mom are both badgering us relentlessly about having kids. But curiously, my own mom has not. She had her first baby in her late teens and sent the last one off to college in her mid fifties, and these days she loves to talk about how wonderful it is to be free and have time for herself. I think she envies me for not having children at my age. I know my mom loves her kids, but I think she also regrets us a little bit. She would have been a spitfire career woman, and I think she would have been happier that way.